For starters, today’s post is a big secret surprise, okay? Shhhhh.

Today is Jim’s birthday and I have a plan, but I need your help. First of all, if you don’t know Jim — aka Depot Dad (pictured above) — let me start with this:

I first met Jim, the single dad of two kids, when he showed up at a local book reading for the poignant single mom author Mary Pols. He knew I’d be there because I’d blogged about it. (But if it hadn’t been Jim, I might have been creeped out.)

Our friendship began, and then, boom: a year and a half ago, Jim was diagnosed with melanoma. Jim blogged very openly at Depot Dad about cancer spreading to both of his lungs, kidneys, and liver. During the time he was taking interferon, I saw how shaky and sick he got.

Although Jim says that he doesn’t quite understand why people keep telling him that he’s a fighter and he’s so courageous — he really is. No matter what has happened along the way, he has laughed. He has let friends into his heart. And he has remained an incredible father.

He’s the kind of guy who makes bingo blogging boards like this just for fun. He has drawn series of comics for his kids lunches (they’re so lucky!) — this is one of my favorites.

Understandably, Jim “closed” his blog last October because he wanted to go into an “insular space.”

Now get this: One of his most recent CT scans showed that cancer on his kidneys had disappeared. And the cancer on his liver is now almost undetectable. The masses on his lungs had shrunk by about 50%, too.

This is where YOU come in. Jim might be really annoyed at me after this (after all, he shut down his blog months ago to gain some privacy).

But just for today — on February 6 — if you’re on Twitter, please do the following:

Send Jim a birthday wish today at Depot Dad. Say anything to give him a little positive lift to his day.

I don’t want to overwhelm him. But I do want the world to tell him on his birthday that he ROCKS.

~~~

P.S. You might know that Jim is self-employed in the SF Bay Area. Even when he was sick, he has been working his butt off to provide a wide variety of market solutions for Apple products — including training, tech support, and planning. (And I can vouch that he’s a Mac PRO!)

So, if you know anyone in the SF Bay Area who might need some Mac support, please send him/her to MacLighthouse.

Here’s Jim (and me!). Now then, I’m off to his birthday party…. thank you!

So, I was chatting with the folks at Natura about the correlation between having both a great mattress and a great sex life. Is there any?

Maybe what they really want to know is, “So, has your new mattress improved your lovemaking in the sack?”

First, I had this wild idea that I’d make a video to respond to their query, but you know how private the boyfriend is. I would really love to gush about all the details of our sex life, but he won’t have it. So, I can tell you that my new mattress:

Has great traction. (A joke!)

Doesn’t make any bouncing sounds.

And absorbs moisture very well.

In fact, I’m writing this while lying in bed… next to LG, who’s patiently waiting for me to finish this post so that he can really “get to work.” (Kidding!)

Do you know what’s really  key to a good sex life? Sleeping on a mattress that is so comfortable that you simply feel better when you wake up.

On that note, Natura has offered to give away a Ylang Ylang pillow to TWO of you (retailed at $93.60 each, pictured above).

This pillow not only helps you sleep better, it also works like an aphrodisiac. The pillow has a lightly scented Ylang Ylang — an essential oil derived from the flowers of a tropical tree native to Asia — cover that works like a scratch and sniff.

Yes, you read that right: If you scratch or move the pillow, the scent is released. (In full disclosure, I have not personally scratched a Ylang Ylang pillow, so I can’t vouch for this.)

But if you’d like to win of of these Ylang Ylang pillows, all you need to share something here about your own sleeping habits.

Do you sleep on curled up in a ball? Do you snore?

Do you dream about scratch and sniff pillows?

Let’s hear it!

I’ll choose one man and one woman through Random.org on Valentine’s Day.

~~~

P.S. If you read my blog, you know that I don’t usually do giveaways back to back. In fact, I made a promise last year to keep the content here authentic. Lately, however, with Valentine’s Day around the corner, I’ve received so many cool offers — have you checked out the Love Letter Contest? — that I’ve found myself saying “yes” to all of them.

Here’s the truth: back in the day, I used to be a letter writer. You, too? I wrote letters to my girlfriends in the summer, telling them how much I missed them if one of us was away. If I had a crush on a boy, I wrote a sweet mushy note — in my handwriting! — and sealed it an envelope.

Nowadays, when I send a sweet message, it’s by text. Do you relate?

So, last night, the Love Letter Squad (Janet Gallin and Tresa Eyres) invited me to their workshop in San Francisco: “Write a letter…. change a life.” (Note: The number of men who attended this workshop blew me away. Go guys!)

And I’m inspired. As much I love chocolate and lingerie, nothing compares to getting a love letter. You can’t duplicate it like a CD. It’s the most intimate, one-of-a-kind gift you can give someone. A love letter is not something that you might recycle.

Moreover, a love letter does NOT have to be romantic: you can appreciate a parent, child, friend, teacher, public figure — even someone in your life in need of an apology or forgiveness. And who says you can’t write a love letter to YOURSELF?

With Valentine’s Day approaching, I want to encourage YOU to write a love letter. Here’s your chance.

What: I’m hosting a Cardstore.com Valentine’s Twitter Party!

Why: Let’s talk LOVE. If you’re dating someone, will you write a love letter? I can’t wait to share my tips! (This goes for writing a letter to your kid, your friend, your parent..)

If you’re going solo on Valentine’s Day, let’s hear how you’re gonna treat yourself!

When: Thurs., Feb. 4^th 4 – 5 p.m. PST

Where: on Twitter. It’s easy: you just need a Twitter account. The night of the party, enter #CSParty at the end of each of your Tweets. 

How: Follow the #CSParty hashtag (You can use services like TweetChat or TweetGrid to follow the conversation)

Here’s a list of all the great prizes you can win:

I’ll be giving away FIVE more prizes during the Twitter party:

– Date night!: $5 Blockbuster gift card and $30 to Olive Garden

– A $50 gift certificate to Cardstore!

One “All-Occasion” Card Pack. Each gift pack contains 10 cards with an assortment of occasions, including Birthday, Get Well, Happy Anniversary and Thank You (Retail Value: $24)

– Two Sets of 12 Thank You Notes. You get to choose any design (and personalize it!) from Cardstore.com’s Thank You Card collection. (Retail Value: $21).

And for the Single Mom Seeking PRIZES, to be announced here on Valentine’s Day?…

One lucky winner will receive a $100 Cardstore.com gift certificate! The winner gets to spend it on any of Cardstore.com’s beautiful personalized products.

Three other winners will receive:

– One of you will receive a $50 Kohl’s Gift Card.

– One of you will get an “All-Occasion” Card Pack.

– Two of you will receive sets of 12 Thank You Notes.

To enter, all you need to do is leave a comment below. Tell me anything about Valentine’s Day…

• Are you planning a special date?
• Are you sick of this mushy-commercialism?
• Will you be making homemade cards with your kids?

~~~

For extra entries, you can do any or all of the following (please leave a separate comment on this post for each extra entry that you complete):

1) Become a fan of Cardstore on Facebook and leave a comment here with your Facebook account name.

2) Follow @Cardstyle on Twitter and leave a comment here with your Twitter id.

3) Follow @Singlemomseekin on Twitter and leave a comment here with your Twitter id.

4) Visit Cardstore.com, then come back here and leave a comment telling me your favorite card design.

5) Tweet out the details of this party, including the #CSParty hashtag in your tweet, anytime between now until 4:00PM PST on Feb. 4th. Then come back and leave a comment here with a link to your tweet. Here is a sample tweet you can copy and paste:

Example: You and Valentine’s Day? Chime in at http://bit.ly/c8oOe3 2 win some great prizes! #CSParty
~~~

This giveaway ends on Feb. 4. I will draw a winner via Random.org and announce the winner at the #CSParty Twitter event. Good luck, and see you at the Twitter party!

(Note: You do not need to leave a comment to join the party, but you must leave a comment in order to enter the giveaway above, and you must participate in the Twitter party on Feb. 4 in order to be eligible to win the prizes offered during the party)

When I first started to date again as a single mom, I first flirted with men who were “behind the counter.”

Yes, literally.  For starters, there was that guy who sold me chicken at the grocery store. He was on one side of the counter, and I was on the other. Go ahead and laugh, but his distance felt safe. Something about that counter created a wall, and there was room to step away.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

There comes a point when you wonder what it means: to meet someone when there’s NO counter between you two? Trust me, I know how scary this is. But only here do you have the space to step forward, only here can you hold each other and truly feel vulnerable.

When there’s room to dance together, you have potential. When you meet each other in the middle — with the possibility of reaching out — you might meet love.

Don’t get me wrong: most of you who come to this blog are single parents. When your kids are watching from the sidelines, it can be challenging to get close and have boundaries at the same time.

But let’s imagine that you’re on the dance floor — and your kids are with a reliable sitter! How are you going to take a risk? How will you step forward? How will you say “yes”?

Thank you for interrupting this blog with a brief commercial announcement. Seriously: some of you might be familiar with BlogHer, that conference that brings 100s of bloggers (actually more than 2,000 most recently) together for hands-on learning and lots of conversations.

So, I attended BlogHer two years ago, when it was practically in my backyard (no hotel reservations needed!). You might remember that I was thrilled to share everything I learned there with YOU, such as:

The workshop on “Is it safe to post your kids’ photos online?”

And some of the amazing single mom entrepreneurs who’ve shared their advice here.

I’d love to go back, and this time I have a mission: to rally all the bloggers out there who’d like to become more media-savvy.

A few of us — journalists-turned-bloggers — are hoping that BlogHer will approve a session about Bloggers and the Media.

Here’s why:

Bloggers are increasingly getting mainstream media attention. This can be positive, which can result in wonderful, wide-scale exposure and traffic boosts for bloggers. It is also frequently negative, casting bloggers in a harsh light (sometimes as swag whores or company shills). It takes media savvy to properly handle an interview and look good in the final piece.

methods for doing your own PR to get positive coverage
• what journalists seek in a potential story
tips for handling an interview when the media contacts you about a controversial topic
how to avoid misunderstandings and errors (and what to do when they happen)
how you can apply journalism standards and ethics to your own blog
how to position yourself as an expert source for the media
• a handout listing the journalists on Twitter who actually follow people back and interact

The panel would include three women who each bring knowledge from both the journalism and blogger perspectives:

Kelby Carr was a newspaper reporter for 15 years before becoming a publisher of social networks and social mom blogs like Type-A Mom, Foodie Mama and Investigative Mommy Blogger who has been interviewed by US News & World Report, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, AOL and NBC News Greenville.

Danielle Smith is an award winning Anchor and Reporter who has turned her attention to blogging and vlogging at  ExtraordinaryMommy.com, doing online TV and podcasting and has appeared on The CBS Early Show, Fox News and CNN.

And you know me….

Here’s how we can make this happen:

• Go to BlogHer and login or register.
• Click the list of Room Of Your Own idea proposals.
• Click on Bloggers and the Media.
• Click “I would attend this session.”

Thank you, thank you! Of course, I’ll share everything I learn here.

And if you’ll be at BlogHer in August — or you live in the New York area — let’s plan to connect!

I love hearing from readers who’ve never commented here before. Thank you! This week, so many of you chimed in with incredible honesty. Wow.

I’ve asked one new single mom if I could share her comment on my blog: that’s because she’s asking for some advice, and I know that you’ve got some. Here’s her story:

She’s a 39-year-old divorced mom of a toddler who’s doing her best to co-parent with her ex.

“It’s not exactly my dream of having a ‘family,’ ” she writes.

“I still long for a partner, but it’s kind of hard when you come home tired every night. And it can be hard to find evening sitters — oh, and the extra cash to go out.”

Fortunately, she does get some time off ever other weekend when her ex has their son. But she still wonders how she can possibly do it all.

She asks: “So, how DOES a single mother parent, date, meet financial needs… and everything else?”

Great question! I wish I had the magic answer. I also wish I’d asked another single mom this question when I was on my own with a toddler. Looking back, I started to date again when I was too fragile, when what I really needed was ME, not a man.

If I could go back and speak to a younger me, I’d tell her:

Maybe you’re not ready, it’s okay to put a hold on dating.

If you’re still hashing out custody issues, it might not be the best time to jump back into dating. Emotionally, you might need some time to grieve and heal.

Granted, time alone can feel, well, lonely. So, be proactive and plan ahead. But instead of planning a date, however, think about doing something for YOU. Have girlfriends over for dinner. Sign up for a writing class. Join a “pick up” volleyball league.

But really, I’m sure that all of YOU have a lot more advice to offer. Let’s hear it. Thanks.

I’ve started a few drafts this weekend — about divorce, dating, you name it — but I’m not feeling the urge to finish any of them. Not yet.

Single mom Amy Anderson — a comedian based in Los Angeles — says it well at LA Mom Blog when she writes that the Haiti quake “made me realize that it IS important.”

She has vowed to get prepared for any possible future emergency by, say, having a supply of clean water at hand. “I’m not an alarmist,” she writes, “but I am a realist. A procrastinating one, but a realist, nonetheless.”

Many of us, as single parents, have needed to lean on someone else at one time or another. Perhaps there’s a lesson here. If you know someone who needs help right now, and you’re in a place to give an extra hand, please do.

On that note, author Jeremy Rifkin points out in his post, “What The Haitian Crisis Tells Us About Human Nature,” that this crisis has created “a global empathic embrace to its neighbors in this small Caribbean nation.”

“Frantic tweets and videos have been seeping out of Haiti, pleading for help from the rest of the human race in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake that leveled one of the poorest countries on the planet, spreading destruction and death…For these brief moments of time, we leave behind the many differences that divide us to act as a species.”

Here’s to embracing your neighbor, whether he/she is across the ocean or across the street. Hence my brief lapse at my laptop this weekend, which surely you get.

So, LG recently called me and started out with this:

“I just wanted to call you because I’m feeling emotional.”

Me: “Is everything okay?”

Him: “Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just sitting here at my computer, looking at all the photos I’ve taken this year. I’m blown away by how much we’ve done together, how much fun we’ve had, and how happy we are–”

Sometimes, I can’t believe it, either.

I really believe in an us, perhaps for the first time in my life. February will mark one year since we met. Don’t get me wrong: it’s not all sweet cotton candy around here. I’m not a piece of cake, and we definitely have our share of challenges.

But if you’re new on the dating scene as a single parent, I want to tell you this: Love is possible. Really.

Take that from a woman who was never very good at this pairing-off thing. Pre-child, I’d ignored red flags and often confused lust with love. When I think back to those first years of dating as a single mom, I’ll never forget how hopeless I felt sometimes.

For starters, I didn’t know even know how to meet men. Sure, I saw single guys in the grocery aisles, but I was always more focused on picking up organic almond butter. But if single parenthood does anything for your dating life, it’s this: you get stronger and smarter every day.

Because all those little things I used to overlook? (Like the men who smoked, or the ones who said they were recently “separated”?). Enough.

If you’re a single parent who has never commented here, please come out of your lurking. I’d love to hear from you.

And if you’re a single parent who’s dating again — or thinking about it — I want to hear from you, too.

~~~

And the winner of The Fashionista contest, chosen by Random.org? Congrats to Avigail!

When I first wrote about David Goldman in 2008, his story was just beginning to gain more publicity in mainstream news.

David is the New Jersey former model who’d married a Brazilian fashion student — Bruna Bianchi — in 1999. They had a son together, Sean, and they seemed to have a solid marriage. But in 2004, Bruna boarded a plane to Brazil go on a two-week vacation with their then four-year-old son.

And she never came back.

Instead, she called David and told him their marriage was over. She said that she wouldn’t return to the U.S. — and that she was keeping Sean.

In the meantime, Bruna re-married a Brazilian lawyer from a prominent and politically well-connected family in that country. Then, in childbirth in 2008 with her second child, she died.

In the meantime, David fought to get his son back. Some of you applauded David on this blog. But others said that after so much time, it would be best if Sean remained in Brazil and got to visit his father.

Over and over, Brazilian courts ruled that Sean should stay in Brazil. For the past five+ years, David has tried to get his son back. Politicians stepped in to help, from President Obama to Congressman Smith of New Jersey.

If you’ve watched the news, some of the clips are heartbreaking: to see David almost get permission to see his son — and then hear the courts say “no.”

But everything changed on Dec. 24, 2009. The public — both Americans and Brazilians — had continued to put pressure on Brazil, and David got permission to take nine-year-old Sean home.

As Sean said good-bye to his maternal grandmother at the U.S. Embassy in Brazil, she asked David: “Will you allow me to see him?”

According to MSNBC.com, “Despite his resentment of the way Sean’s Brazilian family behaved during the five years of legal battling, Goldman said he will allow Sean’s maternal grandmother, Silvana Bianchi, to continue to see him.”

“And I looked at her and I said, ‘I will not do to you what you have done to me,’ ” Goldman said.

“And then I said, ‘But now you need to tell him that you remember how good of a father that I was, how good of a father that I am, and how you know I will continue to be a good father.’ And I also gave her a hug. He needed to see that.”

~~~

David’s intentions are incredibly empathetic. Don’t you agree? “I will not do to you what you have done to me.”

Still, I’m curious: What would you do if you were in David’s shoes?

Would you stay in touch with your ex’s family and fly your child back to visit at least once a year?

Or, would you simply shut the door to the past and move on?

I’m an impatient person by nature. Does it have to do with being the oldest sibling? No matter, it is not a quality I’m proud of.

If being in a relationship is teaching me anything, it’s patience — along with being more understanding, empathetic, open-minded…. Fortunately, that’s spilling into other parts of my life, too.

Like my relationship with my mother.

For the past two years, she and I have hardly spoken — ever since my book came out. I’ve apologized verbally for how I hurt her. It was not my intention. If I could go back and do it over again, I would not have written these hurtful things.

For months now, I’ve been working on a letter of apology — a real letter, sent in the mail. Along the way, women like T — who published an “Open Letter to my Ex-Husband” — have inspired me to get it right.

There have been other inspirations, too, like this posting at PostSecret.com. I’ve looked closely at this daughter’s anonymous words. I’ve re-read them over and over.

So, I sent my letter to my mother a few weeks ago — and now I’m waiting for a response.

I said that I truly feel sorry. I do. I want to have a better relationship with her. I want to move on and to heal old wounds. Perhaps most importantly, I want my daughter to experience love between her mother and grandmother — instead of what she has seen so far.

And now? I’m still waiting. And this vulnerability is making a huge hole in my insides. I’m doing my best to envision kindness, family, and love. And I’m waiting.