So, when are you guys moving in together?

Our friends and family have been asking us this question a lot more these days. It’s understandable: we’re getting married this fall… and we haven’t figured out how we’re going to live together. We know we want to, we’re just not sure how.

“It’s under negotiation,” that Lucky Guy likes to tell people, as he gives me a big smile.

And it’s true: every day for the past few months, we’ve been talking about all the various scenarios in which we might live together. They include buying a home together, moving into one of our homes, adding on…

In the meantime, we’re “living apart together.” Otherwise known as “LAT.” Supposedly, this is a popular trend among European couples. And the idea is sort of rubbing off on me — at least for now.

The biggest stress right now is our overhead — and the fact that we go back and forth a lot. Between one mortgage and one rent – not to mention our utilities – we’ve got a lot on our plates. Don’t get me wrong: we’ve been house-hunting weekend after weekend, as we consider buying a place together. But here’s where it gets complicated:

Currently, he owns his small home, and I rent mine. They’re both one-bedrooms, which are five miles from each other. When we stay at either place, it’s quite cozy. Yet, I’ve got with a growing tween, so living in a small home together is going to get cramped quickly.

Besides, my kid and I have moved a lot since she was born (five times and counting). Although I’m SO excited to get married, I’m not any rush to toss another transition on her. And although I do my best to stay positive about packing – and unpacking boxes – moving just makes me pull my hair out.

Add to this the fact that I love our little home and our neighborhood… and I’m just not in a hurry.

Does anyone else relate? Got any ideas? I’m all ears.

tIf you’ve been following me on Twitter, then you know that I’ve been on the road for more than a week. It all started with a cross-country trip to BlogHer in New York — with my daughter and that Lucky Guy along for the ride! (Yes, those two had a ball in the hotel lobby together, joking with each other as women walked by: “Do you think she’s a Blogher, too?”)

Women come to BlogHer for many different reasons — to learn, to network, to expand their community — and one of my goals was to meet at least a few single mom bloggers whom I’ve been following online. Believe me, it was not that easy to find these amazing women amongst 2,400+ attendees, but I did get the chance to meet:

EwokMama, who’s getting married in September and shared some great frugal wedding tips with me.

Single Mama NYC, who shared a drink with me in the hotel lobby, chatting as if we’ve known each other for years.

Miss Grace, who handed me the mic during a Q and A session she helped moderate, and then sweetly whispered to tell me who she was.

Calliope, who shared her journey — in the midst of a crowded room at the Hilton — with Dr. Leah and me about being a choice mom.

After having been in workshops for 48 hours straight, I wanted to end our visit with a relaxing family night. RJ from Single Dad had told me about this very sweet Kimpton’s The Muse New York, because he took his older daughter here for her 16th birthday.

Located in the heart of the theater district and just blocks from Times Square, it was such a relaxing escape from the noise and heat.

I even managed to do a bit of yoga…thanks to the free mats they provide to guests.

The staff here was SO helpful: as we were checking out of the hotel in order to catch a train to visit Aunt Marge, we got stuck in the wild Dominican Day Parade. The streets were blocked off, and cabs couldn’t get through. But this strong guy from The Muse not only carried our bags for a block, he also whistled the loudest whistle I’d ever heard and got a taxi to pull over. We offered to share a ride with another couple who was trying to get to Penn Station, and off we went.

Lastly, you must know that this little family vacation — unlike our trip last summer — was different. That’s because this time, I had a sleeping plan, which I stuck to. In other words, M. slept on the pull-out sofa… and LG and I had our own room. Yep, this mama is growing up.

Sondra from Happy Healthy Hip Parenting has been a single parent cheerleader for as long as I’ve been blogging. She is a Certified Parent Educator and Life Coach and San Diego’s Parenting Examiner. So, when when I heard that Sondra — who’s the mom of a six-year-old son — was getting remarried, I asked if she’d share her news here.

Because Sondra and the man she calls “Mr. Right” were dating long distance — he  lives in Minnesota, where Sondra’s family also lives — they took advantage of all their time together. (Yep, that’s the new family above, and you can read more about her long-distance story here.)

When Sondra’s relationship with her now-husband first started getting serious — they got married in July! — he flew out to spend time more quality time with her son. “Long-distance marriage is not easy,” she says,  “but it’s been great to see my son blossom when the three of us are together.”

“People assume that my husband is his father when they’re together. Their bond is quite strong already so it’s been interesting to hear my son explain it to people. Before we got married he would say, ‘He’s not my dad,’ with a confused look on his face but now that we’re a family, he’s embraced their newly defined relationship and is thrilled to have a Bonus Dad!”

Moreover, Sondra’s son has been asking for a sibling — and they recently found out that he’s going to be a big brother. “This will be my husband’s first child. Just seeing him with my son is amazing, knowing that already he’s a wonderful father.”

I asked Sondra why she was changing her name to her husband’s and she explained: “I changed my name when I married my son’s father and my maiden name officially became my middle name. When our son was born, we used the same two names for him as well. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly and I’m happy that my family name lives on through the two of us.”

“Although my son and I no longer share a last name, the fact that our middle names are the same is pretty significant. We have discussed using my maiden name once again for the baby’s middle name — so that both of my children will have that in common.”

“I’m a little concerned how it’ll affect things now that my son and I no longer share the last name, but this year’s paperwork for school includes room for Family #1 (Parent 1 and 2) and Family #2 (Parent 1 and 2) which was very refreshing to see.” (Yeah, that IS refreshing!)

It’s not Sondra’s new last name, however, that has her thinking a lot these days. It’s this question: “Am I no longer considered a single mom after I get married again?”

You might remember that when I announced my own wedding news, I said that I’ll always consider myself to be a single mom. That’s why I’d love to know:

If you’ve gotten remarried, do you still consider yourself a single mom?

If you think about getting married sometime in the future — or, maybe you’re already planning a wedding — do you think that being a single mom will always be a part of your identity?

I first “met” Kelli when she commented on my blog back in 2008. That’s when she honestly shared her story here: she was the 39-year-old mother of two children (who are biracial like my daughter). She was happily married for 13 years, when, she says, “my husband relapsed into alcoholism very abruptly and left us in early 2006.”

Well, that sounded a bit familiar. Yet Kelli got back on her feet, worked hard, and parented like a super star. Fast forward a couple of years and “an old friend I used to work with stopped by to help me fix my computer.  And… standing next to him in the kitchen, there were butterflies in my stomach.”

At first, Kelli was very cautious about introducing her friend, Mark, to her kids. But over time, she saw how incredibly patient and steady he was. “He was raised by a stepfather so he knows this relationship from different angles,” she says.

So, when Kelli and Mark got married in September – in Central Washington, in a meadow overlooking the North Cascade Mountain range – “we started off with a statement about this marriage being not just the joining of two people, but really the start of a family.”

Kelli’s children — who are five and nine — “walked me down the aisle and they were the only people to stand up with us.” Also, Mark spoke directly to her kids in his vows — “which I hadn’t known he was going to do, promising to love them, and care for them financially and emotionally, and raise them to the best of his ability into adulthood and for always.”

Today, Mark is the stay-at-home parent who brings the kids to school and picks them up. “Mark really chose them just like he chose me,” adds Kelli. “Step parenting is a thankless job, in some ways.”

That’s not to say that everything was sunshine from Day One. When Kelli first told her daughter about getting married, “she initially reacted with shock and upset. I just told her it’s OK to have very mixed feelings. She, like her Mom, struggles with transition.”

While their ceremony — which they prepared themselves, with amazing creativity — was very thoughtful, it wasn’t all serious.  We did ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ in the moment of the vows to determine who goes first, and I highly recommend this method.”

They also read their vows from handmade books — which Kelli found on Etsy.com — and “we can take them out and read them again, on special evenings or anniversaries. And we have!”

I love the idea of writing down your vows in a book, so you can look back and read them again (or, have them read to you!)… Don’t you?

Photos by Joshua Trupin

If there’s one thing that men in my past have complained about, it’s this:

“Rachel, you always make mountains out of molehills.”

And I hate to admit this, but they were right. I’m easily anxious. I often worry about germs, tomorrow, or disappointing someone with a work deadline. My mind gets stuck on that “What if?” track, and it’s really annoying.

But something has shifted inside me recently. I’m sure it has a lot to do with my friend, Jim, aka Depot Dad, who has been battling melanoma for more than a year now. Jim is the single dad of two super sweet and smart kids — and I actually met his through this very blog.

His participation in a trial program at UCLA appeared to be kicking cancer in the butt — until recently. The last scans showed that the tumors are back on his lungs, and he’s facing this latest news with the most incredible bravery. This week, the doctors are putting a permanent “stint”in his lungs to help him breathe, followed by more chemo.

In the midst of something so huge and scary, Jim is moving forward, thoughtfully, cracking jokes along the way, and always thanking his friends. When I’m with him, I feel like I’m in the company of a fire eater who takes on every challenge, and then takes on a bigger one.

I’m not the only one who can say that Jim is changing the way I live my life. Here’s an example of what happened the other day. My guy was out of coffee, so I ran out to Peet’s — his favorite Bay Area coffee shop. In my haste, I forgot that that LG likes his coffee beans whole, because he grounds them right before making espresso (yeah, what have I gotten myself into here?). Anyway, I forgot about all of this at the counter, and I ordered a pound of beans the way I usually do: ground.

When I got back to LG’s house and gave him the bag and he felt it. The beans weren’t whole, they’d been ground. Uh oh. But instead of getting irritated, he smiled. “It’s okay, love,” he said.

And me? Instead of fretting over my mistake and harping on it, I smiled back. In the big picture, this wasn’t the end of the world. Besides, LG knew that what my intentions were. What mattered was this: we could drink coffee together in the early morning, as we scheduled meetings and drop offs. We’d laugh and simply be together.

Do you sometimes make mountains out of molehills, too?

Is there one thing that you can let go of today? What is it?

Some of you might remember Luke from the TLC dating reality show for single parents, “Must Love Kids.” Months later, Luke when fought hard to save his sister, Shayna, as she battled breast cancer, I also wrote about his impressive perseverance.

Recently, I got in touch with Luke just before he was deployed again with the US Navy. Understandably, he was pumped: after completing his Master’s Degree in Information and becoming a Chief in the Navy, Luke got married! I asked him if he’d spill the details. Thanks Chief!

Luke said that he first met Mary “at my best friend’s wedding in 2004.  I was a groomsman, and Mary’s sister was a bridesmaid. Back then, an almost-11 year age difference was a big deal. However, we stayed in touch and as the years went by, it was no longer an obstacle.  When I went back to Michigan last summer, we had planned to go out on a date while I was there.”

“We just had hit it off so well, and knew each other so well, that we decided to throw caution into the wind and be together.  That meant that she had to move out here to San Diego, since I’m in the Navy here. So, barely a month after I left Michigan last year, she uprooted her whole life (and son) and moved out here to be with me.”

Her son was barely a year old when Luke met Mary’s son, and they bonded quickly. Her son’s birth father has not been in his life, and Luke and Mary talked openly about the possibility of Luke becoming his legal father. On July 15,  Luke emailed me — with so much excitement — to say that he’d officially adopted his two-year old step-son,

Luke has two daughters from his first marriage, and whenever he’s on shore, he loves seeing his girls every other week. He adds that the transition — his remarriage — has “been a challenge” because “my girls were so used to it just being them and dad.” (I get this, Luke!)

While Luke is at sea, he will write his daughters a couple times a week — in addition to emailing and calling them. ”We are giving the girls letter writing kits, any time I’m in port (typically we’ll hit at least a port a month), I have my laptop and if I can get a wireless connection. I’ll be able to either IM or Skype with Mary.”

~~

As this post goes live, Luke is literally going out to sea with the Navy. Just before being deployed, however, he sent an email with some BIG news!

“We’re expecting a baby! Just to answer some questions: no, we don’t know what sex the baby is, and no, I will not be home for the birth (unless we’re not gone as long as we’re supposed to be somehow). We decided that, although unfortunate, that was a better option than waiting a few years until I was on shore duty again to have a baby and ensure that I’d be here for the birth.”

Wow, Luke! Here’s to your growing family — and growing love.

I’m curious, and would love to hear from ALL of you about this one:

If you’re dating someone with a child, would you consider adopting him/her in the future?

If you’re a single mom or dad who’s dating, would you be open to your new husband/wife adopting your child(ren) in the future?

Yes, I know: I could have taken the easier — and less rocky– road by walking into a stationary store and choosing an already-made letterpress design for our wedding invitations. You wouldn’t be the first to tell me that I often make things more complicated than necessary.

Yet, thanks to you (and the Lucky Guy’s calligrapher sis!),  designing these wedding invites won’t be as challenging as I first thought.  In particular, those of you who suggested that we include an illustration or a symbol… really hit close to what I’ve been imagining. That’s because my daughter and her friend drew the illustrations for the Save the Date cards. (Feel free to go ahead and explain to me why she created own image SO BIG).

Here‘s a rough mock up of our Save the Dates, which we call “The STDs:”

So, I’ve got a team at the drawing board and we hope to have a design finalized by this weekend. Stay tuned! Thanks so much to CardStore.com for hosting this wedding design invite contest! I’m thrilled to announce that Ewokmama won the Grand Prize (a $50 gift certificate to CardStore.com) via Random.org.

In case you haven’t heard, Ewokmama is getting married on September 5! What synchronicity:  September is when we’re tying the knot, too! It’s often the warmest month out here in the Bay Area,  just right for a backyard wedding.

So, it’s about time that I  got those invites in the mailbox, isn’t it?

When I heard that two brothers made a movie about a dating single mom, I said, “Excuse me?”

Why in the world would Jay and Mark Duplass – a screenwriter/producer team who are both married fathers with toddlers – write and direct a film about a single mom?

I got curious. After all, Cyrus is NOT some thriller or action film that’s bringing them to the forefront… it’s a movie about a single mom who’s dating.  Don’t get me wrong: I was thrilled to hear that a genuine, real film about a dating single mom was going big. (Because we ARE mainstream, after all!).

No worries: you won’t read any spoilers in this post. I’ve been trying to see Cyrus  for two weeks now, and at last, I’m off to see it tonight!

Recently, during a telephone press conference, I got to ask them about what motivated these guys to make this film. Here’s the gist of it:

Still single seven years after the breakup of his marriage, John (John C. Reilly) had all but given up on romance. But at the urging of his ex-wife and best friend Jamie (Catherine Keener), John grudgingly agrees to join her and her fiancé Tim (Matt Walsh) at a party. To his and everyone else’s surprise, he actually manages to meet someone: the gorgeous and spirited Molly (Marisa Tomei).

Their chemistry is immediate. The relationship takes off quickly but Molly is oddly reluctant to take the relationship beyond John’s house. Perplexed, he follows her home and discovers the other man in Molly’s life: her son, Cyrus (Jonah Hill).

A 21-year-old new age musician, Cyrus is his mom’s best friend and shares an unconventional relationship with her. Cyrus will go to any lengths to protect Molly and is definitely not ready to share her with anyone, especially John. Before long, the two are locked in a battle of wits for the woman they both love–and it appears only one man can be left standing when it’s over.

“Here’s the weird thing we figured out recently,” explained Jay on the phone. “The relationship between Molly and Cyrus is subconsciously based on our relationship. Mark and I are are three years apart, but basically, we’re like twins.”

In other words, their relationship is VERY close, not unlike a single parent and his/her child.

“When we were in our 20s and dating,” adds Jay, “it was VERY hard for any girlfriend to break through and feel like she had any place. Every girlfriend seemed like half of the relationship we had with each other. So, we imagined what it would be like as a single mom.”

“Her life is tough. She has to keep things moving, stay positive, and hope for the best. When you’re a single mom, you’re momentum is such a big part of it.”

Wow, I love these guys already! So, have you seen Cyrus?

~~~

P.S. Between you and me, however, I’m not going to advocate the T-shirt that Fox is marketing for Cyrus for $24.95: “Seriously, Don’t F**k My Mom.”

Seriously, do you find that funny?… Or offensive?

If you’ve ever gone to a wedding before, then surely you know what a traditional wedding invitation sounds like:

Mr. and Mrs. Tomas Smith
and
Mr. and Mrs. Frederick Langston
invite you to share in the joy
of the marriage uniting their
children
Eva Marie Smith
and
Patrick Everett Langston
on Saturday, the twelfth of April…

Um, so, that writing style is not really us. Although, as soon as that came out of my mouth, I DO see why folks would go for the traditional text. After all, it has already been written and is really to go. You don’t really have to think about what you might say differently. But as you know by now, I think. A lot. Too much sometimes.

So, that’s why our wedding invitations will begin with: “It all started at a book launch party… come and see the exciting conclusion!” (Did I mention that we can be super-cheesy, too?)

The Lucky Guy has a professional calligrapher in the family, and I’m so grateful for that. But here’s what I really need some help with: our invitation design.

My mind tends to think in words and phrases. But images? Not so much. I’ve leaned on all of you — my readers — for years now. And that hasn’t changed. So, that’s why… I’d love to hear your design ideas for the wedding invitation! Thank you!!

I’m so thrilled that CardStore.com is hosting this contest. They print on high-quality matte recycled cardstock and ship within two business days. So far, I’ve ordered both photo cards and thank you cards from them.

I’ll pick one winner via Random.org, who will win a $50 gift certificate from CardsStore.com!

Don’t you love the colors in this wedding invite?

And the painting on this Paper Loop card makes me turn my head (although I’m going veil-less!):

So, to enter for the Grand Prize… You need to leave a comment on this blog post (Your comment must include a design idea!)

Also, I’m giving away a Special Bonus Prize: If you Tweet out this contest out — you’ll be entered to win a BONUS from Cardstyle.com!

Here’s the Twitter link to include: http://bit.ly/ciKuOO

Also, please include @singlemomseekin and @cardstyle in your Tweet!

So, bring ‘em those ideas… You all are so creative!

Deadline: Midnight (OST) • July 9, 2010

Because I remember how it feels to be tired. All the time.

Because there was a time when I didn’t know one other single mom. Or dad.

Because I lost my sanity on the street corner with a crying baby. More than once.

Because I used to stay up at night, wishing I could share certain moments with her father. And knowing I wouldn’t have the chance.

Because it seems like yesterday that I watched my daughter as she learned how to hula hoop. And I still don’t how.

Here’s a photo that bring early motherhood way back, on M.’s second birthday when her world was all about Elmo and Mommy:

Just after that birthday party, we moved back to the San Francisco Bay Area, where I’d grown up. At last, I made my first single mom friend at the playground. A few years later, I met Dr. Leah at a conference for single moms, and she put it to me straight: you can be a responsible, present parent… and still enjoy some enjoyable adult perks. I just might be getting what that message means, at last.

So… if you’re a mom in the Bay Area, Good Vibrations is hosting me at a Mommy’s Playdate tomorrow — July 6, Tuesday — at their Berkeley store from 7-9 p.m.

They’re offering moms free cocktails — “Mommi-tinis” — with cupcakes, and a personalized store tour by Dr. Carol Queen. As Whitney from Rookie Moms adds: “Invite your Mom’s Group or preschool posse.  If you dare.”

So, do you dare?

P.S. I’ll be reading from my book and selling copies, too!

P.P.S. If you haven’t entered my recent wedding design contest, there’s still time!