These days, there are so many single parents blogging about what it’s like to date again. But how often do you run into two single parent bloggers who are telling the world — independently — what it’s like to be in a relationship with each other?

Well, let me introduce you to Todd and Kelly. I’ve been following the blogs of this incredibly sweet, goofy couple for years now. I’ve been following them so closely, in fact, that sometimes I have to remind myself that, no, I’ve never met them in person. Because when you check out their blogs, you’ll see why you feel like you know them.

Their story is such a tender one, layered with crossing paths and a break up that neither of them could endure. No, they didn’t meet each other online dating in Canada on a site like eHarmony. In 2008, Kelly, the mom of two daughters, was struggling with a deep unhappiness in her marriage when she stumbled across Todd’s blog via a friend from college. 

“He was a single dad, a nice guy, with great musical taste and a sense of humour that I could definitely relate to,” Kelly says. “Oh – and cute, too.”

Then, Kelly’s marriage ended. And there she was, readingTodd’s blog  — as “an anonymous stalker,” she says. She loved Todd’s posts about visiting his kids. And she sympathized with him when he wrote about having an emotionally rough time.

It was Kelly who got up the courage to send a “friend request” to Todd on Facebook. He accepted. (Good move Todd!)

“It just snowballed from there,” Kelly says. “Who knew that this adorable, funny, 80s-tunes-loving geek would be such a fantastic flirt?” They talked for hours and hours and “I experienced an instant click on a level that I have never experienced with another person before.”

They dated long-distance for three months. And then, they broke up. “I was too fresh out of my marriage and did not have my act together,” Kelly says.

Todd had to face some fears, too. They both tried to move on, but this only made them realize who much they loved each other. A few months later, after spending a weekend together without any expectations or promises, they redefined “our relationship for the better.”

On August 11 — with their five children and cheesy 80′s music — Todd and Kelly will be getting married on the rooftop of their local farmer’s market! (The photo above was taken when Todd proposed.)

Kelly lost her father when she was a teenager, so she asked Todd’s father “to walk me down the aisle. He was thrilled!”

Todd — who is the father of one son and two daughters — recently moved across the country into Kelly’s home. “It’s been an adjustment, to be sure,” he says. “I’ve been living by myself for 5+ years and had only lived with single person before that, so I’ve had to make a lot of changes to my daily routine.”

Which includes sharing one bathroom with the three females in the household.

“But it hasn’t been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be,” Todd says. After all, he says that Kelly is the woman he was searching for all his life.

“I love waking up next to him every morning,” says Kelly. “Since we didn’t have that for so long, I feel like we both appreciate it a lot more than some other couples might. The most challenging thing for me is learning to compromise and give up a little bit of my independence for the sake of our relationship.”

Right now, these two lovebirds are busy writing their own vows. Oh, and planning theme nights for their family. On “Movie Mondays,” they watch a film while having dinner. On “Tech Off Night,” they turn off all electronics to play board games. And on “Family Dessert Night,” one person gets to pick a place to go for dessert. Doesn’t it make you want to join this sweet family?

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That’s the title of my essay in the current (April 2013) issue of Family Circle.

Leaning over the counter, my daughter ordered the same meal she always had at our favorite taqueria: a quesadilla, no salsa, no sour cream. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to eat. But that wasn’t all I was uncertain about.

I’d thought that bringing my eight-year-old to a familiar place to meet my new boyfriend was a good idea. But now I felt awkward.  “She’s going to be shy,” I’d warned Chris the night before.

My daughter followed me to a table and slid into the chair next to me, our elbows touching. She grabbed a tortilla chip and crunched into it, looking straight at Chris. “Have you seen Nacho Libre,” she asked.

“Seen it? I own it,” he said with a big grin, referring to the Jack Black movie.

“You do?” she jumped out of her seat. “Can I come over and watch it?” I guess I’d been wrong about shy.

After dinner, we all walked back to my car, making plans for our Jack Black movie night. “Thank you,” I whispered, wanting to kiss Chris but instead taking a step back as my daughter wrapped her thin arms around him.

“See you soon,” she said.

I was silent as we drove to our apartment, just the two of us, the way it had always been. When my daughter was a baby, her father had left the country to start a new life, and I’d been a solo mom since. I wasn’t going to let another man hurt me —or her….

You can read the full story here, at Family Circle.

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When I first met my friend Amy 10 years ago in the Bay Area, she opened up me — and told me that she was getting divorced.

I don’t remember how I responded, but I hope I said something encouraging. Like You’re so strong. Or, you’re not broken.

At that point, I’d been a single mom for a whopping two years, an old hand. We became fast friends. And just as fast, Amy told me that she was moving back to Colorado to be closer to her family — and earn her Master’s degree! She’s one of the most adventurous and whip-smart woman I’ve ever met. Oh, and she’s so deliciously feisty!

But I missed her a lot when she moved away. Another fascinating detail about Amy: she was born without the ability to hear. When Amy was a little girl, she learned to read lips. Thanks to two cochlear implant operations over the past few years, she now says, “Life is noisy.” (And we can chat on the phone these days!) Be sure to check out her blog to read all about her adventures.

Jump ahead to 2011: Amy told me that she’d met someone on Match.com. Actually, the first time she’d reached out to Dan online, she says that he “took a look at my photo and thought I was cute BUT then noticed I was a single mom — and he deleted me.”

Months and months later, without realizing that she’d already pinged Dan, she noticed him again on Match.com. And she tried to start a conversation. Again. “This time, he checked out my profile a bit more, and then we started connecting through e-mail. He found my traveling blog online and decided right then and there that he had to meet me.”

The first time that Amy introduced her daughter to her now-husband, they were on their way to go bowling. You know, to get to know each other.

On the way to the bowling alley, Amy had to run a quick errand. She left nine-year-old Elyza and The Boyfriend in the car for a few minutes.

That was when Elyza “leaned over and whispered into Dan’s ear, ‘I’m going to get rid of you!’ “

‘I’m going to get rid of you!’

Yes, she’s just as a bold, confident, and brave as her mama. I love it.

Amy and Dan got married last summer at the same place where they had their first Match.com date: Moe’s Original Bar B Que in Denver, CO. I was so honored to witness another single mom friend getting married.

And get this: they’re having a baby (Amy wants to keep the gender a surprise)… due in early April — on my older daughter’s birthday!

If you’re a single mom who’s getting married — or blending your family — I’d love to profile you! Please write to me here. I look forward to hearing from you.

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When you take the “distance” out of a long distance relationship, it’s a big deal.

Especially when you have kids. And he has kids. Especially when one of you leaves your job and friends behind. Especially when one of you puts your house on market, and the other one opens his/her door to a new family. Just typing all of that makes me tired.

Canadian Bald Guy and Momma Sunshine – single parents who met on Facebook four years ago and recently said adios to all the distance — are certainly the most well-known blended family online. Of course, there’s also T from Life’s a Classroom, who keeps it positive when it comes to balancing two kids, an ex, a full-time job, and her sweet “Gentleman Jack” 200 miles away.

Now, look here people: another single mom in our midst is packing her bags right now to trek with her son — all the way from Michigan to North Carolina — so they can be with her man.

Please meet Annie from Simple. I Just Do. (Don’t you love the name of her blog?) God, do I remember how often married women asked me, “How do you do it?” And I said, “I just do.

She and her boyfriend first met seven years ago, and when their paths crossed again after her divorce, “we decided to take our relationship to the next level.”

For the past few years, they’ve talked on the phone every night, and emailed in between. “I even made a book of our emails to each other from that first year, that first flush of love.”

What has been the most challenging part of their relationship?

“Blending parenting styles,” Annie says.

“He has had a steep learning curve with my son’s autism, and we even broke up for about two weeks at the end of the summer last year because we had a really awful morning, with a really awful meltdown. The Man was overwhelmed, saying he wasn’t sure he could handle it. It was probably the hardest two weeks of my life.”

Fortunately, he realized that even though this was going to take a lot of work, he loved Annie and her son. “We reunited, more committed than ever to us and our future.”

Annie and her man are ready to say “goodbye” to the 900 miles between them. It turns out that Annie’s parents also live in North Carolina — just 10 minutes from where her man is remodeling a home for them — so that’s a great perk. “My son knows that we will be moving, and I know it will be a difficult transition for him.”

In the meantime, he’s pouring over paint colors so he can choose one for his new room. Here’s to new beginnings!

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The winner of Drinking Diaries?…. Congrats to Susan C.!

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It took me years to admit that I was a classic co-dependent in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Twelve years ago this Thanksgiving. That’s when our relationship ended, with our apartment door locked and his key slipped back under. Twelve years!!

A lovestain on my heart. That’s what he left 12 years ago. We’d unraveled and hurt each other. That lovestain is now a little scar that I’ll always carry around.

This amazes me: the daughter he left behind is exactly the same age as my second daughter:

I will always be grateful for the friends and family who stepped forward that Thanksgiving to support me with their arms open, and without judgment.

Here’s to all the parents on Thanksgiving who are doing it on their own. May you be surrounded by hugs and hot food and a chair to sit down and eat.

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If you are a woman who drinks alcohol, Drinking Diaries will speak to you. Yes, it sounds like a book about alcoholism. And some writers do delve thoughtfully into this struggle.

But this book is so much more. It’s about loving the taste of wine. It’s about almost getting a DUI. It’s about abstaining from alcohol when your husband drinks. In short, this anthology is about women’s relationships with alcohol. Honest and vulnerable.

Leah Odze Epstein and Caren Osten Gerszberg asked women to discuss the nature of their relationship with drinking. In a great review in The New Yorker about a recent Drinking Diaries book reading, Betsy Morais writes: “As each author took her turn, everyone in the room was quiet and sombre, holding their plastic cups down in their laps. Nobody dared to take a sip.”

As I read the book, I thought about why I was having a glass of wine with dinner. Having alcoholism in my family, and having been in a relationship an alcoholic, this book really resonated with me.

My favorite essays were all written by mothers, such as:

I LOVED how raw Becky Sherrick Harks, aka “Aunt Becky” at Mommy Wants Vodka, wrote about her best friend, Stef, “a love child born into a blended family” who was bipolar. “My own mother is both bipolar and an alcoholic, and hearing that my friend was suffering the same way broke my heart.”

Ann Leary tells us how she slipped back into alcoholism. Joyce Maynard describes getting pulled over by a cop after drinking. Other well-known writers in the anthology: Jacquelyn Mitchard, Daphne Merkin, Kathryn Harrison, Ann Hood, Ann Leary, Pam Houston, Jane Friedman, Elissa Schappell, Asra Nomani, Priscilla Warner, Rita Williams.

If you’ve grown up in an alcoholic home, or ever been in a relationship with an alcoholic, some of the essays might make you teary. At least a few stories will have you nodding your head. Oh yeah, I’ve been there.

Seal Press is giving away two copies of Drinking Diaries. All you need to do is leave a comment.

~~~

I’ll choose the winners by Random.org. Contest ends December 1st at midnight PST

P.S. If you’re in the Bay Area… There’s a Drinking Diaries reading on Sunday, December 2nd at 7 pm at Book Passage in Corte Madera, CA

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When my friend, Desiree, walked down the aisle this month to Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up,” I knew exactly why she’d picked that song. Because the only way to fall in love again 10 years into single parenthood is to maintain a faith in love. To NOT give up.

The rain held off for the wedding ceremony in Sedona, AZ, where I’d never been before, as the sun set behind this new blended family, and the cutest kids led the bride in.

They talked about how they’d both lost their fathers to cancer while they were college. And they lit memory candles (in the blue glass above) to honor their fathers.

This was baby CJ’s second time seeing one of my single mom friends get married wedding. Wow! (Yes, Chris, below, gets very pensive at weddings. And emotional. Like me.)

What I loved most about this wedding was that it was so kid friendly. To the minute. There were so many kid-guests, and back at the Poco Diablo Resort — where we celebrated and stayed for the weekend –  the party got kidified!

Desiree announced that she and Wellington had been to too many wedding parties where the focus was on which-desperate-single-person might be lucky enough to get married next? (No thank you!) So, they ditched the bouquet and garter belt for a new tradition. And created a new one: “Throw Shobao.”

As in their two-year-old Maltese dog:

Of course, they did NOT actually toss the real dog. But stuffed animals versions. (Can you see Chris and CJ trying to catch one in the back row, below?)

CJ was even a contestant in the “biggest feet” contest! Ha ha.

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Getting married after you’ve been a single mom for 10 years is a big deal. I know. Because that describes me.

Now, it’s Desiree’s turn.

I met Desiree six years ago when she walked into Bananas to join the single parents’ support group I was leading. She has the loveliest smile.

She has been a solo mom of since the beginning, like me, without any support from her ex. We kept overlapping:

• We’d both moved to New York City to go back to college
• And then moved back to the Bay Area with our daughters after graduating
• At the time, I was writing middle school English textbooks; and she was teaching middle school English

Desiree introduced me to the best Korean food in Oakland. She got my to try karaoke for my first time (not pretty). And she got me out of the house on weekends to take our daughters to the De Young museum and Mrs. Grossman’s sticker factory.

When Desiree got a job offer in Arizona (where she’d lived as a kid) to teach humanities at an amazing school, I was excited for her. But I missed her. A lot. After our girls went to bed, we called each other across states to chat about how tough it was date. I knew how exhausting it was to scroll through all of those online profiles, and try to find childcare so you could go on a coffee date.

By then, I’d met Chris. And I was so happy when Desiree flew to California for my wedding.

I told her that she deserved to be with someone who adored her. But I knew that after so many years on your own, you start to wonder if all dating is worth it. By this point, you know that you can do it alone. Still, you imagine a bigger love, a love with someone else that grows and grows.

And then, Desiree’s phone call: “I met someone.”

She’d signed up for OKCupid. And on her very first date on the site, she met Wellington. It didn’t take them long to connect the dots: their families used to belong to the same church. They realized that they’d met each other before… when they were five years old!

When I first met Wellington – on a windy boat ride to Alcatraz Island when Desiree last visited – I watched him closely.

He helped Desiree’s daughter descend the ramp as we got off the boat, with his hand on her shoulder. He looked back at Desiree and smiled at her, so sweetly. He also answered all of my “test” questions, as I drilled him about his life.

In two weeks, I’m headed Desiree’s wedding at Poco Diablo Resort under the metal blue sky in Sedona, Arizona. And I’m sure I’ll cry.

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I’ve missed writing my Snapshot posts about single moms who are getting remarried, dating, or blending their families. If this describes you and you’d like to be featured, please contact me! It makes me very happy to be featuring amazing parents again!

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Mother-daughter relationships are so delicate.

Bringing in Finn: An Extraordinary Surrogacy Story — a new memoir by Sara Connell, a life coach with a private practice in Chicago — gives me hope that my mother and I might turn a corner and find a place of trust and love.

This is the story about a couple who wanted so badly to have a baby. After years of trying alternative medicines, Sara and her husband, Bill, turned to Western fertility treatments, including many expensive, painful rounds of IVF.

But after Sara lost a third pregnancy — including the devastating loss of twins at 22 weeks — they started to lose hope. At first, Sara did not share any details about her struggles with her mother. In fact, their relationship was so distant that Sara would not stay at her parents’ house with she visited them.

She writes: “I hadn’t confided in either of my parents about not having a period, or that Bill and I might have a fertility issue.” Yet, slowly, Sara opened up to her mother, Kris. And in turn, Kris responded with open arms.

In February 2011, Sara’s 61-year-old mother delivered the greatest gift of all to her daughter: Sara’s son, Finn.

Here’s how this book touched me:

I’m grateful that I’ve never experienced any fertility issues. However, like Sara, I’ve longed to heal my relationship with my mother. It was so inspiring to read how Sara and her mother forgave each other, moved past old hurts, and stayed side-by-side to bring Finn into the world.

Now that I’m the mother of two daughters (like my own mother), I’ve recently reached out to her. Again. In a long letter. She recently responded, and as I re-read her lines right now, I lift my head and feel her love.

Seal Press is giving away two copies of Bringing in Finn! Leave a comment below. 

I’ll choose two winners via Random.org. Deadline is Friday, September 21, midnight EST.

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