To make matters more intense, it just so happens that during Mary Pols‘ book launch party last night for Accidentally on Purpose, she read her infamous chapter about her condom-free one-night stand, which gave her little Dolan.

Although no one in the audience dared to ask Mary about condoms last night, the night did have an unexpected surprise:

I blushed during Mary’s bold reading, and then stayed up way too late thinking about this post. First, let me say that I’m pro-condom. I think everyone should use condoms, I think condoms should be sold in every bathroom for a nickel, the same way that tampons are sold. But in my experience, men don’t like to use them. They will beg, pressure, say anything to do condom-free. Am I alone here?

In response to yesterday’s one-night stand post, David from Dad’s House emailed me on the side that he was “was truly flabbergasted when I read that “oops” line. But you’re probably right, there are probably a lot of people who don’t use condoms. From where I stand, they are polluting the dating pool. But that’s just me, I guess.”

I take full responsibility for having made a few careless decisions in my past, and I wrote about one instance in my book — when, I gave into one man’s persistence. I freaked out afterwards, and reprimanded myself for weeks. (By the way, my decision to get pregnant with my daughter was a conscious one. At the ripe age of 28, I was certain that I wanted to become a mom — and it took just one try to make it happen.)

I told Dad’s House: “I think that many, many people are sleeping around without condoms.”

It’s terrifying, but is it true? I’m asking you. Does any of this ring true for you? Sign in anonymously if you want.

Photo from faincut

I stayed up way past my bedtime to read this book, about 39-year-old movie critic Mary Pols, who knew she wanted to have a baby. But never—not in a million years—on her own.

Then, there’s this one-night stand with an adorable but jobless guy ten years her junior — and, oops, they didn’t use a condom.

Mary Pols conveniently lives down the road from me, so I got the chance to meet her in person at my favorite sandwich joint, Bakesale Betty’s.

After taking a home pregnancy test, Mary worries everything (sound familiar?): how she’ll break the news to her friends and family (five siblings and an 84-year-old Catholic father), how she’ll afford single motherhood, how she’ll do everything on her own, and how she might co-parent with a man (Matt) whom she barely knows.

You wrote about Matt so honestly and openly: the frustrations, the hurt, the caring. Has he read the book? His response?

Mary: “Matt read the almost-final manuscript for the first time last August… And then he reread the slightly revised galleys. Both times were quite painful for both of us. It’s hard to remember how things were, and reading the book really took him back to that place, when I was on his case all the time and filled with disapproval. It’s painful for me to go back, too. And I hate to cause him pain; he is such a gentle, kind and good person.”

Now that Dolan is four years old, how do you and Matt define your relationship today?

Mary: “We’re definitely a family. But, are we at the brother-sister point? Not quite. He’s the father of my child. Even though we’ve ruled out romance between us, I think watching each other go off in different directions is going to be hard. Not only do we both value what we’ve built, but we’re hugely fond of each other. Other than Dolan, Matt is the person with whom I spend the most time.”

How do you and Matt work out the logistics? It’s an unusual set-up—

Mary: “Matt lives about 15 minutes away from us, which is great. He’s in a shared living situation, so Dolan has only been there for a sleepover once. But Matt can and does pop over at a moment’s notice. I’m so lucky, as single mothers go.”

“He has said “No” exactly once to me when I’ve asked him to take care of Dolan while I go do something. And that was a night when we both had parties we wanted to go to. As a father, he’s just so willing and able and pleased to be with his son; Dolan is truly his first priority.”

So, how do you do it all? I laughed the other morning, when you emailed me back to me, “Dolan needs a pre-breakfast reading of Curious George, gotta go.”

Mary: “Two words: late nights. Right? You too, I assume.”

“Lately I’ve started getting up before him, to get a jump start on the day. It’s such a challenge to feel distracted on both ends from doing either a good job with your kid or a good job with your job…”

And how about dating?

Mary: “During Dolan’s first couple of years, I did some fix-ups, sort of dutifully, but I guess the bottom line is, for a long time, I wasn’t seeking, because I had found. These days I’m seeking a little more, but only a low-key level.”

“While it’s great to feel like a woman again, and be appreciated as something other than purely a mother, I find myself going out into the world with rules I should have had for myself all along.”

“Such as: Is he really worth upsetting my equilibrium over? Is he ambivalent? Is he still pulling the kind of crap guys do at 30? Because if so – no hard feelings, but forget about it. I don’t need the hassle. Or the drama. And I’ve already got a boy in my life who I have to teach to be well-behaved. I don’t need another one…”

Your turn, single parents: How many of you might describe your life as “accidentally on purpose”? Tell the truth.

If you’re in the S.F. Bay Area, catch Mary Pols at the official book launch party on Tuesday, June 3, 7 p.m. in Alameda, CA at Books Inc., 1344 Park Street. Wine and cheese reception followed by reading.

Mary is on a rockin’ book tour in the Northwest, for more events go here.

Photo of Mary Pols and little Dolan

At San Francisco’s Sex and the City event with Sasha Cagen, author of Quirkyalone, Mysti Doughty, and Waleska — one of my always-there single mama friends. (Hint: we’re the two shorties!)

Check out yours truly quizzing folks in line last night as they waited to get into San Francisco’s Sex and the City party.(That’s my single mom friend, Waleska, taping. Doesn’t she have a great laugh?)

P.S. After researching just now, I realize that Miranda’s nanny may have a Hispanic name — but she’s really Eastern European.

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You can see three local single women authors — Wendy Merrill, Falling into Manholes ; Jerusha Stewart, The Single Girl’s Manifesta; and Jane Ganahl, Naked on the Page — before the Sex and the City event on ABC’s View from the Bay!

Watch the local Sex and the City HERE.

The single mom verdict about the movie is still out. Ms. Single Mama says that Sex and the City was cheesy, while Mommy Pie loved it!

I’m always on the look out for fathers who write emotionally about parenting. One of those dads is Robert Rummel-Hudson, who blogs about raising his daughter Schuyler — who, at 18 months, wasn’t speaking, which sent her concerned parents running from from doctor to doctor to find out why. (“Bilateral perisylvian polymicrogyria” is an extremely rare neurological disorder caused by a malformation of the brain.)

Disclaimer: Robert is a married dad who lives in Texas. In one of those chances of fate, I got the chance to meet Robert in person when my trip to NYC overlapped with his book launch party for Schuyler’s Monster. I love his book, which is about so much more than dealing with a child’s disability.

Also, perhaps ironically, because Robert was swamped with fans at the party, I spent a chunk of the evening chatting with Laid Off Dad. I’d read his blog off and on — he’s another example of a devoted married dad — but when I told him that I blog about dating as a single mom, he confessed, in confidence, that he and his wife were having a rough time. This week, Laid Off Dad announced on his blog that they’re getting a divorce.

But I digress. You’re probably wondering why in the world I’ve invited a married dad to be on a blog called Single Mom Seeking.

What surprised me most about Schuyler’s Monster is how openly and honestly Robert writes about being in a relationship when the going get tough. I wanted to know how he held it all together when it seemed like Schuyler wasn’t getting better.

“I think it was fear in part that helped me keep it together,” Robert says. “That’s not a very inspirational answer, I know, but there it is.”

“No matter how frustrating or overwhelming things get, no matter how much you feel like it’s too much for you at any given moment, when you’re a parent, there’s always that little person there depending on you. I think it was always the fear of failing Schuyler that kept me on track. The thought of screwing up the one thing in my life that I COULDN’T screw up motivated me to always find some part of myself that was going to function well enough to take care of her.”

The part in Schuyler’s Monster that’s getting A LOT of attention is the notorious “Chapter Seven,” in which Robert writes about his depression and infidelity in his marriage…

“It’s funny, I knew that chapter would get a lot of attention, just because of the scandal factor, but the thing that has surprised me is how many people have responded to it sympathetically,” Robert says.

“People recognize their own issues with fidelity and depression, and I’ve gotten very little actual judgment as a result of putting it out there. In the end, I felt like I was giving voice to what a lot of us go through, even though that wasn’t what I set out to do.”

I also wanted to know how Robert kept his head high — and still does.

“The thing that kept me going more than anything was Schuyler, really,” Robert says.

“Through her whole life, through all the tests and all the challenges, she never gave in to any sort of despair. She was and remains the most positive person I know, and so when I stumble and when I think I’m not the right father for the job and all that, she just quietly charges forward. And that gives me some direction, like she’s holding the lantern in the dark. That sounds goofy, but it’s true.”

Today, I urge you to go to tell one dad you admire that he’s doing a damn good job.

While you’re at it, please give Robert a little shout at his blog.

Photo of Robert and his daughter, Schuyler

Ms. Single Mama has a whole category about her ex-husband.

In her blog, Solo Mother pleads her ex-husband to answer her emails about her son, but he won’t respond.

Dad’s House recently wrote about the fact that communication with his ex-wife about their kids “flows decidedly one way – from Dad’s house to Mom’s house – hardly ever the other direction.”

I’m guilty of it, too. I’ve blogged about Mae’s father, and later wrote about my ex-boyfriend, whom I’d fallen for five years into single motherhood.

This weekend, the New York Times had a great piece — “When the Ex Blogs, the Dirtiest Laundry Is Aired” –about how many of us use blogs to voice our gripes. Do you?

I appreciate what this reader in the New York Times says re: blogging about your ex: “One of the most unhealthy behaviors is repressed anger, and if letting it out helps then a blog or YouTube is great.”

Another reader, however, questions whether “Americans are exhibitionists who will do anything for attention.”

This one concerns me, too: “I think that posting information on the Internet that can eventually be read by — and be hurtful to — your children (like citing them as a cause of your divorce) is despicable.”

What you think about blogging about your ex? Is it healthy venting? Or thoughtless purging?

I love how Julia Allison, a writer at Time Out New York, puts it:

“Breaking up is already traumatic; you are literally going through a chemical withdrawal, a state akin to that of a recovering heroin addict. No one possesses good judgment during this time. This is why, for years, advice columnists have suggested writing angry letters to your ex and then throwing them away. Except now people vent via venomous blogs…

The lesson? When in a relationship and especially when ending one, take a deep breath and Step. Away. From. The computer.”

If you blog, do you write about your ex?

Has your ex ever found your blog? Are you concerned that your kid(s) might read what you say about your ex one day?

Photo courtesy of Ralaelin

He started “it” back in February by sending me this sweet email. I’m a sucker for compliments:

“I really like your blog and website, very well done,” he wrote. “There’s a reason it’s the only single parenting site in my blog roll so far.”

Fortunately, he has since added more bloggers, like Ms. Single Mama . (Oh, that on-the-ball mama just beat to me to the punch with a Dad’s House post of her own.)

“It would be nice to meet and chat with a fellow Bay Area single parent writer (you!) in person,” he added.

As it turns out, we live just an hour away from each other. I wrote back to say that it’s so “rare” for two bloggers to actually meet in the flesh. I was game, however.

So, David from Dad’s House offered to drive my way (thanks!) so we could meet for real. I’d imagined a business lunch. We’d talk about blogging, of course. I’d only seen that one photo of him — with the red hat — so I had this vision of meeting a skinny, serious, quiet guy. I’ll be the first to admit that I have some unfair misconceptions about men from Silicon Valley.

Boy, was I in for a surprise.

This cute guy with tortoise shell glasses, green eyes, and shiny black shoes walked into the cafe where I was working.

“I never would have recognized you!” I blurted out.

I gave him a short hug — which caught him off guard, I think — and then we were off. He’s talkative, a little goofy, a great listener. We got hungry and walked to the Thai place a few doors down. We both had curry.

We just kept on talking: about blogging, parenting, literary agents, our kids, boundaries, dating. I’d expected a very analytical man, but he has a strong philosophical side.

Before we knew it, three hours had passed. Oh no, David got a parking ticket! (Sorry).

We should have taken pictures. We should have made a video.

Really, how often do a single mom blogger and a single dad blogger get to meet in person? Not often, I think. I feel like I have a new friend out there, and I hope he feels the same way.

I’ll never forget his last words to me, as we said goodbye. “”High tide floats all boats,” he said.

He explained that this is a popular saying in Silicon Valley. If the tide is high for everyone — that means for us, as single parents — we’ll keep each other from drowning. Here’s to keeping each other afloat, David.

Fess up, single moms and dads: Who do you have a crush on, virtually or in real life?

P.S. If you can’t tell, Ms. Single Mama certainly has a virtual crush on Dad’s House.