Lance over at Honey and Lance recently dared me to write about intimacy. (Thanks Lance!) That’s a lot to tackle in one little post.  And he knows that I’ve been tackling struggling with intimacy these days.

When I first started to date as a single mom, I was looking for safe, no-strings sex. Simple, right?

C’mon, when had I ever been able to take sex lightly? Uh, never. Back then, however, I didn’t know what I was looking for. Sometimes, I wanted to get my groove on. Other times, I just wanted to take a nap.

As it turns out, sex was easy enough to find. But what I really craved was a relationship. And that, my friends, has proved to be challenging.

Despite my longing for a man in my bed, what I really wanted — and still want — is an open, genuine, honest partner, a man who will come bed with me and stay for the long haul.

In the meantime, I’m trying to find new ways to be intimate. Dad’s House asks if you can “enjoy physical intimacy without an emotional connection? ”

Yes, you can, says Dad’s House:

“By revealing your essential sexual nature to another, but keeping all else private. Men tend to be able to do this more easily than women.”

But is it really possible to separate your sexual desires from your emotions?

Can you be intimate without having sex? I don’t know.

You tell me. This is very new for me, and a bit unnerving.

I might disagree with Lance about many issues, but we are definitely on the same page when it comes to defining intimacy.

“For me, intimacy is basically talking about your feelings,” Lance writes.

And Honey adds (I love this!) that intimacy is “a living, evolving, ongoing process.”

“Can you have a real relationship and not have intimacy?” Lance asks. “Can you have intimacy in a relationship and NOT have sex, and is that worth it?”

Can you?

I’m still figuring this out. Or trying to. I’d love to hear what you have to say.

Photo by Scott Snyde

If you’ve also wondered why my posts have been spotty on the weekends, it’s not because I’m busy dating. Instead, I’m busy volunteering for the Obama campaign. So is Mae.

At “The Power of Words” fundraiser in support of Barack Obama last weekend at Ellen Sussman’s (we raised $75,000!)

Mia Lipman, editor extraordinaire, and yours truly.

With Scott Hutchins, new Stanford faculty friend…

Here we are, listening to Daniel Handler, a.k.a. Lemony Snicket, read.

In the meantime, Mae and her friend ran a lemonade stand for Obama (they raised $100!) But hey, honey, I thought that lemonade was for sale!

My friend brought the girls to the phone banks to drop off the cash. Everyone paused from making calls to applaud; one woman even got teary. Mae said it was kind of embarrassing.

When I asked recently you think is going to win… you overwhelmingly said “Obama.” We’ll see, right?

Photos taken by Mia Lipman and Ted Weinstein

In the past, when a good-looking man reached out and touched me, I was a goner.

I’ve always loved that charge I got from sleeping with a man. I still do.

But here’s the truth: I’ve slept with men in order to avoid my loneliness. Instead of holding myself, and really embracing my intense solitude, I’ve found men to hold me. I wasn’t looking for love. I was looking for an instant fix.

And after it was all said and done, I felt even lonelier.

I remember the first advice book I picked up about how to balance sex and parenting. Sex & the Single Parent: A Guide for Parents Who Find Themselves Back in the Dating Game advised:

“You can be a lover and a mother. But you can’t do it torn apart inside by guilt or uncertainty.”

So, that’s what my problem was.

“You can only date if deep inside you can trust yourself to make the right decisions most of the time,” the book went on. “The trick is going in a measured fashion.”

I didn’t know there would be any tricks involved. And I’ve never been very good at measuring.

I’ve often gotten sex and love mixed up, ever since the first time I slept with my boyfriend our sophomore year of high school. Sex has always been easy. But love?

Love has been the challenging part for me.

If you’ve read my book, then you know that I’ve had sprees of booty calls with bad boys. Sure, it was fun. But at the end of the day — or night — it wasn’t healthy.

I haven’t had sex for months now. And you know what? It feels right. I’m more present with myself than ever.

No, I’m not going to go out and buy myself a purity ring. But my intention is to be virtuous with myself.

For how much longer? I’m not sure. Setting up rules has never worked for me. I simply break them.

Here’s how single mom Kim spelled it out recently in her blog (thanks!):

“A good, decent, loving man will come along and when it happens I will be ready, but right now I just need to be and really immerse myself fully into being a mom and taking care of my inner spiritual self.”

For me, this isn’t about listening to God. It’s about listening to myself.

It’s about one of my favorite quotes from author Anne Lamott who wrote in Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year:

“Sometimes I’m so hungry for a partner, a lover. One thing I know for sure, though, is that when you are hungry, it is an act of wisdom each time you turn down a spoonful if you know that the food is poisoned.”

No, sex in itself is not poison.

But having sex to escape my loneliness is.

If you can offer any advice about how NOT to confuse sex with love, let’s hear it.

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This post is part of a roundtable series on virginity as started by Honey and Lance. Feel free to chime in yourself and leave a comment over at honeyandlance.com. For further reading, take the plunge:

The Quest for T: Virginity: A Girl and Mom’s Perspective

Evil Woobie: Why Is Virginity a Big Deal Among Filipinos?

Holly Hoffman: How My Mom Helped Me Lose My V-Card

Hot Alpha Female: Lets Talk About Sex… Baby

Dad’s House: Virginity, It’s So Overrated

Photo by Chalky Lives

Recently, a woman named Rachael — spelled with an extra “a” — contacted me to talk about condoms. (Believe me, I never imagined myself as a woman who would talk so much about condoms with strangers.)

When she told me the name of her company, I was hooked: “Just in Case.”

How brilliant is that?

And get this: Just in Case was actually the idea of Rachael’s mom. Her mom – Marsha Bartenetti, who was a single mom for a long stretch –invited Carl Djerassi to dinner one night because they were neighbors in California. (In case you didn’t know, Dr. Djerassi is responsible for having developed the Pill. I actually listened to an interview with him today on NPR about his new play, Taboos.)

So, over dinner, Dr. Djerassi told Marsha the condom was an excellent means for contraception but had a bad image. Maybe Marsha could do something to change that?

She did.

In 1982, Marsha came up with the condom case compact for women. “My idea was before its time,” she says. “AIDS, STD’s and unplanned pregnancies were not in the pulse of our social structure as they are today.”

In the meantime, her daughter, Rachael, began working in the cosmetic industry. Years down the road, they decided to join forces. Their motto? Love Well. Love Wisely.™

Really, the compact is stunning. (When Rachael sent me a sample compact, my kid promptly snatched it.) It looks just like a makeup compact, but it has a secret compartment for two condoms. You can be chic and discreet and if someone rifles through your purse.

Moreover, Just in Case has partnered with YouthAIDS — this is a good company indeed.

~~~

So, here’s the contest: Tell us your funniest condom story.

Just in Case is giving away one case to a woman and one to a man (if it’s too feminine for you, give it to the woman you’re dating…)

Here’s an example:

Do you remember the Sex and the City moment when Carrie was on her way to meet Mr. Big for the first time? She tripped and spilled her purse on the sidewalk and out come those pesky condoms!

And here’s a real story from Just in Case founder herself, Rachael Sudul:

“I met my now husband at a bar and took a taxi home that evening together. He had to stop at the late night drugstore for a ‘bottle of water,’ wink, wink.

While I waited in the cab, I thought about telling the driver to just take me home. Lucky for both of us, I listened to my gut. We had a great ’safe’ night, and I did the ultimate walk of shame the next morning at work. I was wearing the same clothes, no makeup, and wet hair. I was 45 minutes late, straight out of the shower.

Luckily I worked in the cosmetics dept at Saks so I had a great makeup artist to give me a little help! The rest is history…”

~~~

For those of you who are too shy to write a story but have to have a compact, you can use the code LOVEWELL for a 10% discount on your order… Go to: www.JustInCaseInc.com.

Go for it. I’ll keep this contest open for the week.

P.S. My story is here.

Amy Spencer and Anna David — the sexy, savvy hosts of “The Sex Files” on Sirius Maxim 108 — have invited Christine Coppa and me on the air to dish it all.

It just can’t get any racier: a live call-in show where we’ll tell men how to approach a single mom: what to say, what never to say, and exactly how to work your way into a single mom’s heart and, well, her bedroom.

You know my story.

At age 26, Christine found herself in a fresh relationship — and pregnant. She pens the blog Storked! for Glamour.com and her memoir, Rattled!, is coming out in April.

But the real reason I’m posting about this now is because I want to open up the floor to you.

Single moms, is there anything you want these guys to know? Many of you are juggling motherhood with dating. Yes, I do read your blogs. I’m blown away by how you do it all.

Are there any misconceptions that guys have about single moms, which I should address? (i.e., that not all single moms are looking for a new dad, maybe they just want to have a fun fling?)

Or, this one: If a man is serious about you, how should he date you?

Guys, are there any issues you’d like us to cover? Say, do you have any single moms have great sex anecdotes?

Let’s hear it all! If you leave a comment here, I’ll do my best to plug you on the radio. (For example, “There’s T, this one single mom I know who’s trying to keep the heat down until her boyfriend comes back from the frontlines…”)

I’ll “see” you tomorrow — Wednesday, 9/24/08 — at at 2 p.m. EST (11 a.m. Pacific).

Update: I just found out via Single Mom Paying Off Debt that you can get a FREE three day pass to listen to Sirius radio here.

The show replays at 11 p.m. EST (8 p.m. Pacific), throughout the weekend, and again at 2 and 11 p.m. EST (11 a.m. and 8 p.m. Pacific) on the following Monday.

I’ve been fretting over the condoms winners for too long now. It all started with that “Looking at me, you’d never guess that….” contest, and you made this very challenging. That because all of your responses are so darn good!

Emily says:

“Looking at me, you’d never guess that I haven’t been out on a date in months. Or …that I used to weigh over 200 lbs. Or…that I have three children.”

Liz adds:

“Looking at me, you’d never guess that last night I was sexy and charmed the pants off (not literally…although I could have if I’d wanted to) a single dad I was out on a date with. You’d never guess it because right now I’m unshowered, hungover, last night’s mascara smudged under my eyes and curled up on the sofa with my two boys…my two little loves.”

Single dad SDMktg says:

“Looking at me you’d never guess I read 9 parenting books before my twins were born, stayed home with them for the first 18 months and took 3 parenting classes after my divorce a year and a half later. I’ve made birthday cakes for all 6 birthday parties (and they both want their own) and I’m a gourmet cook as well as a master of the barbecue…”

So, what can I do? I’m sending condoms (in a tin like the photo above) to ALL 15 of you! You all deserve them.

I’ll contact you individually. Or feel free to email me your address: rachel[at]singlemomseeking[dot]com.

While we’re on condoms….

My BabyCenter colleague Beth Hering hit on a recent  Time magazine article, citing a sexual-health educator in Germany who’s developing a spray-on condom in an effort to give men a better, more comfortable fit.”

“Basically, he has devised a hard plastic tube with nozzles that spray liquid latex from all directions (sort of like a car wash!),” writes Beth in A condom conundrum. “When the latex dries, you have a custom-made condom.”

The biggest problem to date, is “that it takes liquid latex two to three minutes to vulcanize, and the men didn’t want to have to wait that long.”

“Marketers state that a male contraceptive needs to be ready in 5 to 10 seconds to be marketable. No comment from me,” adds Beth. “Make your own jokes and conclusions. Personally, I’m happy anyone out there is actually trying to provide men with more options so that birth control isn’t always viewed as a woman’s responsibility.”

Guys, would you use a spray on condom if it was easy and fast?

Women, would you be open to such a possibility?

I got an email this week from a 40-year-old single mom whom I’ll call Rita. She lives in a small town in the northwest, “where there are mostly less educated tattooed single guys.”

For the past couple of years, she has been dating another single dad — his kids are grown and out of the home — who is “sweet and cute is somewhat set in his ways.”

In other words, they have a loving, trusting relationship. But the sex is very routine. In and out, if you know what I mean.

Rita, however, has an adventurous side. She has suggested they might experiment a bit more. But he’s not interested.

Some of her girlfriends have told her that she take a break and try dating someone younger — say, a man who’s more willing to take risks in bed.

But she’s feels uncertain about leaving her current boyfriend for the unknown. And besides, he’s great with her son.

Rita was hoping that if she puts her dilemma out there… some of you might relate.

What should she do next? Suggestions? Advice?

Photo by Jyn Myer

Update: Single Mom Seeking Sanity’s post about why she — a 30-something single mom — wears a promise ring.

I know that many of you have tweens or teens. And I officially have one now, too.

As you might also know, Mae is a huge fan of pop stars like the Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus — all of whom wear promise rings, or “purity rings.”

In case you missed the Video Music Awards this week, a ‘promise ring’ debate was spurred after VMA host Russell Brand derided the Jonas Brothers for their purity vow.

That night, VMA’s host took a shot at the three Jonas Brothers and their vow to remain virgins until marriage.

In response, singer Jordin Sparks proudly showed off her own purity ring and shot back:

“I just have one thing to say about promise rings,” she announced to the audience. “It’s not bad to wear a promise ring, because not everybody — guy or girl — wants to be a slut.”

Will I buy my kid a promise ring in a few years?

I doubt it. I hope that our relationship is open and honest enough that we’ll talk.

When I put this question out to Facebook, my writer friend Ericka Lutz – mom of a teen — said:

“Uhhh, in a word or seven, ‘Are you out of your friggin’ mind?’ They don’t work and just lead to lies and hypocrisy.”

A single mom who reads this blog added:

“No way, no how. I’d rather my daughter know all there is to know about safe sex and feel confident in exploring her sexuality. Committing to a vow of chastity leads to…I don’t know…Bristol Palin?”

If any of you have tween or teen kids, I’d love to hear what you think about promise rings… Clearly, there are single parents all across the country who believe in them.

Photo of the Jonas Brothers at 2008 MTV Video Music Awards from PRPhotos.com

I’m disappointed. Have you heard that after the Olympics, gold medalist and American hero Michael Phelps headed to Las Vegas for some booty?

According to Radar Staff Writer Neel Shah, Phelps is in Las Vegas this weekend. Last night, he apparently went to the Playboy Club, where the Radar nightlife reporter shot a photo of Phelps squeezing the buttocks of a dancer.

Of course, Phelps deserves time to play… but this kind of play?

“It was unreal,” says Neel. “Within moments of entering the club he summoned two girls over… I’ve never seen such an aggressive grip.”

“But don’t be too quick to judge,” reports Gawker.

“Who among us, having just accomplished the greatest individual feat in Olympic history, wouldn’t head straight to Vegas to score some tail? Hell, if it were me I’d still be wearing the goggles.”

All week, I’ve been drafting a post about why Phelps is the ideal role model for single parent families across the country — because he was raised by a single mom, and look at his accomplishments! And now this? Am I judging too quickly here?…

P.S. Single dad Matt Logelin actually saw Phelps up close in Vegas. Matt, what were you doing at the club?…

Photo of Michael Phelps from PRphotos.com

I don’t know if anyone here read the recent Modern Love College Essay Runner-Up about, “Why Spoil Great Sex by Dating?” (thanks for sending this one, Dr. Leah!).

Joel Walkowski, a senior at the University of Southern California, writes that:

“We might dally in the land of easy sex and stilted text-message flirtation, but deep down we crave the warm embrace of all-consuming love.”

“Out of fear, we shrink ourselves,” he says. “There have been many times I should have cried but stifled the tears. Instances where I should have said, ‘I love you’ but made a joke instead.”

As a single parent, especially, falling in love can be so scary. What if you get hurt? What if you fall so deeply that you can’t remember your way home?

Although Joel is a college senior — not a single parent — his words really resonated with me: “But I do occasionally wonder: If we can’t get past ourselves and learn to sacrifice to be with another, then what is in store?...An era of loneliness filled with commercial wants and mate selection based on the shallowest of criteria?”

Dad’s House writes about loneliness and single parents today, saying that while booty calls meet, uh, certain needs, “infusing unconditional love into an intimate relationship – for me, that’s the missing link.”

I also love this older post by divorced mom Kat Wilder, who writes about how much it hurts to fall in love — and then walk away from it.

Have you ever longed to feel close to someone — to feel that rush of pleasure that comes with touching — that you got lost? I have.

I’ve also thought that sex would lead to happiness and fulfillment. Have you?

Photo by antiform