So, when are you guys moving in together?

Our friends and family have been asking us this question a lot more these days. It’s understandable: we’re getting married this fall… and we haven’t figured out how we’re going to live together. We know we want to, we’re just not sure how.

“It’s under negotiation,” that Lucky Guy likes to tell people, as he gives me a big smile.

And it’s true: every day for the past few months, we’ve been talking about all the various scenarios in which we might live together. They include buying a home together, moving into one of our homes, adding on…

In the meantime, we’re “living apart together.” Otherwise known as “LAT.” Supposedly, this is a popular trend among European couples. And the idea is sort of rubbing off on me — at least for now.

The biggest stress right now is our overhead — and the fact that we go back and forth a lot. Between one mortgage and one rent – not to mention our utilities – we’ve got a lot on our plates. Don’t get me wrong: we’ve been house-hunting weekend after weekend, as we consider buying a place together. But here’s where it gets complicated:

Currently, he owns his small home, and I rent mine. They’re both one-bedrooms, which are five miles from each other. When we stay at either place, it’s quite cozy. Yet, I’ve got with a growing tween, so living in a small home together is going to get cramped quickly.

Besides, my kid and I have moved a lot since she was born (five times and counting). Although I’m SO excited to get married, I’m not any rush to toss another transition on her. And although I do my best to stay positive about packing – and unpacking boxes – moving just makes me pull my hair out.

Add to this the fact that I love our little home and our neighborhood… and I’m just not in a hurry.

Does anyone else relate? Got any ideas? I’m all ears.

Sondra from Happy Healthy Hip Parenting has been a single parent cheerleader for as long as I’ve been blogging. She is a Certified Parent Educator and Life Coach and San Diego’s Parenting Examiner. So, when when I heard that Sondra — who’s the mom of a six-year-old son — was getting remarried, I asked if she’d share her news here.

Because Sondra and the man she calls “Mr. Right” were dating long distance — he  lives in Minnesota, where Sondra’s family also lives — they took advantage of all their time together. (Yep, that’s the new family above, and you can read more about her long-distance story here.)

When Sondra’s relationship with her now-husband first started getting serious — they got married in July! — he flew out to spend time more quality time with her son. “Long-distance marriage is not easy,” she says,  “but it’s been great to see my son blossom when the three of us are together.”

“People assume that my husband is his father when they’re together. Their bond is quite strong already so it’s been interesting to hear my son explain it to people. Before we got married he would say, ‘He’s not my dad,’ with a confused look on his face but now that we’re a family, he’s embraced their newly defined relationship and is thrilled to have a Bonus Dad!”

Moreover, Sondra’s son has been asking for a sibling — and they recently found out that he’s going to be a big brother. “This will be my husband’s first child. Just seeing him with my son is amazing, knowing that already he’s a wonderful father.”

I asked Sondra why she was changing her name to her husband’s and she explained: “I changed my name when I married my son’s father and my maiden name officially became my middle name. When our son was born, we used the same two names for him as well. It wasn’t a decision I made lightly and I’m happy that my family name lives on through the two of us.”

“Although my son and I no longer share a last name, the fact that our middle names are the same is pretty significant. We have discussed using my maiden name once again for the baby’s middle name — so that both of my children will have that in common.”

“I’m a little concerned how it’ll affect things now that my son and I no longer share the last name, but this year’s paperwork for school includes room for Family #1 (Parent 1 and 2) and Family #2 (Parent 1 and 2) which was very refreshing to see.” (Yeah, that IS refreshing!)

It’s not Sondra’s new last name, however, that has her thinking a lot these days. It’s this question: “Am I no longer considered a single mom after I get married again?”

You might remember that when I announced my own wedding news, I said that I’ll always consider myself to be a single mom. That’s why I’d love to know:

If you’ve gotten remarried, do you still consider yourself a single mom?

If you think about getting married sometime in the future — or, maybe you’re already planning a wedding — do you think that being a single mom will always be a part of your identity?

I first “met” Kelli when she commented on my blog back in 2008. That’s when she honestly shared her story here: she was the 39-year-old mother of two children (who are biracial like my daughter). She was happily married for 13 years, when, she says, “my husband relapsed into alcoholism very abruptly and left us in early 2006.”

Well, that sounded a bit familiar. Yet Kelli got back on her feet, worked hard, and parented like a super star. Fast forward a couple of years and “an old friend I used to work with stopped by to help me fix my computer.  And… standing next to him in the kitchen, there were butterflies in my stomach.”

At first, Kelli was very cautious about introducing her friend, Mark, to her kids. But over time, she saw how incredibly patient and steady he was. “He was raised by a stepfather so he knows this relationship from different angles,” she says.

So, when Kelli and Mark got married in September – in Central Washington, in a meadow overlooking the North Cascade Mountain range – “we started off with a statement about this marriage being not just the joining of two people, but really the start of a family.”

Kelli’s children — who are five and nine — “walked me down the aisle and they were the only people to stand up with us.” Also, Mark spoke directly to her kids in his vows — “which I hadn’t known he was going to do, promising to love them, and care for them financially and emotionally, and raise them to the best of his ability into adulthood and for always.”

Today, Mark is the stay-at-home parent who brings the kids to school and picks them up. “Mark really chose them just like he chose me,” adds Kelli. “Step parenting is a thankless job, in some ways.”

That’s not to say that everything was sunshine from Day One. When Kelli first told her daughter about getting married, “she initially reacted with shock and upset. I just told her it’s OK to have very mixed feelings. She, like her Mom, struggles with transition.”

While their ceremony — which they prepared themselves, with amazing creativity — was very thoughtful, it wasn’t all serious.  We did ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ in the moment of the vows to determine who goes first, and I highly recommend this method.”

They also read their vows from handmade books — which Kelli found on Etsy.com — and “we can take them out and read them again, on special evenings or anniversaries. And we have!”

I love the idea of writing down your vows in a book, so you can look back and read them again (or, have them read to you!)… Don’t you?

Photos by Joshua Trupin

When he was just a boyfriend, your home front was fairly low-key – most of the time, anyway, considering the fact that no mother-daughter household can be so serene all the time. Even after you introduced your child to your new “friend,” all was surprisingly harmonious. He came over for dinner, and you watched those two laugh, dance, and make up songs. Your kid liked him, and he liked her.

Well, it’s different now. You know that your child still likes him. Sure, she does. But she’s not used to two adults being in the front seat. “I’m scared, Mama,” your daughter tells you at night, and you lie next to her, listening. You want to tell her that nothing is going to change, that love grows. But fear is fear, and she feels like you and he are two parallel lines moving together. She feels like she’s on the outside, looking in.

You hold her and tell her how much you both love her and care about her. You also tell her that the three of you are making a triangle together. This is new and different, and it’s okay to feel scared. You look into her eyes and tell her that all three of you are connected. Still, you know that your words will only go so far. This will take time, and you’re not exactly the patient type.

An hour later, after she asleep, you find him in the other room. His expression is worried, and he says: “I’m scared, love.” The truth is, you feel afraid sometimes, too. What can you do with all this fear except just face it? You remember when the door was shut, when it was just you and your baby girl. Now, you’ve opened the door, wider than ever in your life. You breathe and remind yourself that everything will work out, in its own triangular way.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned so far about planning a wedding, it’s the fact that this is one mega, money-making industry. Oh, but many you knew that already, didn’t you? Quite a few of you suggested earlier that I should split town or keep it very small when I get married. (Now I know why.)

So, when I heard that Heather at Desperately Seeking Sanity — whom I got to meet in person at BlogHer 2008 in San Francisco! — had her dream wedding for less than $300, I wanted to know how this single mama did it. (And yes, this included “a wedding and reception for over 100 people, her dress, rings, cake, and everything else…”)

But before we get to the wedding, let’s back up:

Back in 2008, Heather had decided to cancel her online dating account. This single mom was done with “uneducated men who still lived at home with mom.” Yet, when she logged in to cancel her membership, there was an email in her box. She says she read it just for fun, “to see what whack job currently was interested in me.”

This guy called himself “Not a Bad Saint.” He said that he was the divorced dad of two kids, a son and a daughter (so was she!) who were “the center of my world. I am a service mechanic and and a do it yourselfer so dirty hands are normal. Would like to hear from you sometime.”

“I don’t even know why I responded,” Heather says now. “He wasn’t original, funny, or anything else that I was looking for in an initial contact. His profile was bare bones and not appealing.”  (Heather later found out that he’d emailed her via his cell phone.)

They began to email, and four days later, “we talked on the phone for the first time. I hung up on him twice while trying to get my cat off the roof.”

And get this: they realized that they lived around the corner from each other and “our kids went to the same school.  And that night, I had to take my oldest to football practice and he said he was going for a run. No more was said about location, but as I was walking the track, I realized that the man running toward me was him.  So the first time that we met in person? I was totally in big, baggy sweats, my hair pulled up, no make up and sweaty.  But I guess I made a great first impression.”

Apparently, on their first date — off the track — she told him that she was waiting for a knight in shining armor “to take me away on a white horse.” So, when they got married on May 16th, here’s how he showed up to the wedding (a surprise she didn’t know about!):

Yes, that’s her man, on his sister’s horse, on which he leaned down and “told me that he may be rusty but he’d always be my knight.”

They were married at her church with their four kids, whom she describes as “perfect stair steps because they are all two and a half years apart.” (When I asked how they all get along, Heather said: “Well, to be honest, they act like brothers and sisters.  One minute they are ready to kill one another, and the next they are plotting against us. “)

Heather found her dress on eBay for $30. Their rings came from Wal-Mart. “It’s just a ring,” says Heather. “I’m fine with the plain jane silver band… because I’m a little on the plane jane side.”

The bouquets and center pieces were made from flowers from the Dollar Store. Their reception was a potluck. Every guest brought a covered dish and its recipe. Then, her church “took all of the recipes and make us a cookbook.” And they made their own cake!

And here’s the best part: It was THEIR day, and everyone had a ball! All six of them — husband, wife, and their four kids — boogied their way out of church to their recession song, “We Are Family.”

~~~

Now you see what I mean about Heather?

I’d love to know: Are any of you dating online? (And ready to give up? C’mon now!)

And if any of you have more wedding budget planning tips, I’m listening!

I’ve written a lot in this blog about family, including my own, whom I avoided for many years (you, too?). Over the years, I’ve taken baby steps to heal my relationship with my mother. And right after becoming a single mom, my father stepped forward to become an amazing friend, father, and grandfather. I’m so grateful to have him in our lives every day!

So, family is family, right? They’re blood and stock. You’re born into a relationship with them. Which brings me to friends. Do any of you have friends whom you practically consider sisters or brothers?

I’ve been thinking a lot about those friends of mine recently. When I remember those first few years of single motherhood — especially those nights alone with the baby crying — I was very lonely. I didn’t know any other single moms. Where were those women hiding?

Oh, sure, my married mom friends were around. Tell me the truth: Did your new single mom “label” also rock the boat with some of your girlfriends? Did you, too, learn the hard way which of your friends was a true friend? Yeah, that was a hard lesson. But now I have learned that a real friend is the one who stays by your side when you’re a weepy mess. She also listens to you go and on about HIM (although she might secretly know that it’s all for the best).

Still, if there’s something I’ve realized recently about true friends, it’s this: they don’t just appear like magic. You’ve got to work to make friends and keep them. But, what does that mean exactly?

Start by saying “hi.” It can be scary to just go up to some random mom in the park, yet have you tried it? Smile. Say “hello.” Offer to share your kid snacks. Ask about her day. If you hit it off, exchange email addresses and phone numbers.

Then what? Offer to help. Invite your new friend over for dinner. Call when you’re at the grocery store and see if she needs anything. Tell her that she can call you if she’s having a hard day. Offer to babysit for a couple of hours.

Now it’s your turn. Ask for help. Someone is waiting to say, “Yes.” Know that. (And if you hear “No,” please know that it’s probably not about you. We all get busy and overwhelmed.)

So, I’d love to know:

Have any of your friends become like family? How did you build your relationship?

Do you help each other out with day-to-day life, like sharing meals and babysitting?

~~~

Photo by Matt Williams

Many of you are dating long distance. (Yeah, I’m talking about you, T, and your Rascal, along with Momma Sunshine and her Canadian Bald Guy!)

When you imagine your future, surely these questions come up: Would one of you be willing to move? How about your kids? And what does this mean for your kids’  “other parent,” who might be very involved?

So, when I heard that Deesha Philyaw — co-founder of CoParenting101.org and one of “my” former columnists at Literary Mama — was getting remarried, I asked her to please share her story:

More than three years ago, Deesha met a wonderful man whom she refers to online as “TechBoo”  (I was so honored to hear all about him via email when Deesha first started to gush back then!) Deesha lives in Pittsburgh with her two daughters, and TechBoo lives in the DC Metro Area with his two daughters. Yep, that’s 240 miles between them.

As Deesha puts it: “That’s a four-hour car drive, or a 35-minute flight. But who’s counting?”

Just listen to what amazing  planners these love birds are! “TechBoo and I see each other at a minimum two weekends a month, and more often during school breaks, summers, holidays.  He has a never-ending honey-do list in both cities.  I’m in charge of minimizing household chaos and other ‘inside jobs’ in both cities.  I take my bonus-daughters to the dentist.  He helps all the girls with school projects.  We have separate and joint bank accounts.  We have social lives, favorite haunts, clothes, and toiletries in both cities.  We are passionate, best friends wherever we are.”

They bring their daughters together “as often as we can.  They get to enjoy summer camp and vacations together, along with random weekends and some holidays (depending on the custody calendars).  We’ve vacationed just the six of us, as well as with my ex and his wife.”

In March, they got married in a small, family ceremony “during a two-hour sunset cruise aboard a sailing yacht in the Gulf of Mexico. We said ‘I do’ right at sunset at the boat’s bow, while holding on and trying not to go flying overboard as the photographer snapped away — and our daughters alternately giggled, teared up and read poems about friendship and blessings.”

Here’s Deesha and her man during their wedding, a.k.a “sweet life on deck”!

“Our girls  boogied on deck to their own songs of celebration, yelling at every passing boat and to people on shore: ‘They just got married! We love you, Key West! Our six-year-old, always marching to the beat of her own drum, announced boldly to sky, sea, and to the world: ‘They’re married…WE’RE married!’ ”

Of course, I wanted to know how their daughters — who range in ages from six to 13 — have bonded. “The girls get along like sisters, and by ‘like sisters,’ I mean they love each other and…they tolerate each other.  They have a ball together…and they get on each others’ nerves.  But mostly, they miss each other when they are apart and are thrilled when they can spend time together.”

“This process was not at all instant.  We told the girls, ‘This is going to take some time.  Sometimes, you might not want to deal with each other, and that’s okay.  That’s human.  But at all times, everyone must feel safe and respected.’ ”

~~~

After the wedding, Deesha and her daughters went home to Pittsburgh — and Techboo and his girls traveled back to their home near DC. “This will be our arrangement until my youngest bonus daughter graduates high school…in about seven years,” explains Deesha. “Both TechBoo and I have shared custody of our respective children from previous marriages, and neither of us wishes to parent from a distance.”

Now, your turn:

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, how do YOU make it work? Does either of you imagine moving someday to be closer to your new love?

If you’re dating another single parent with kids, how do your kids get along? How do you deal with the fear and resentment that must come up sometimes?

~~~

Please visit Deesha at CoParenting101.org, which she co-founded with her ex-husband! In addition to writing — from Essence to the Washington Post — Deesha teaches as an adjunct writing instructor in Chatham University’s Master’s of Professional Writing program. She graduated from Yale University with a B.A. in Economics, and from Manhattanville College with M.A. in Teaching.

“You sure do have a lot of self-help books.”

That’s one of the first things that Lucky Guy said to me when I had him over to my house for the first time, as he browsed my bookshelves. Yes, he seemed a bit unnerved.

“I’m NOT like that,” I said defensively. “A lot of publishers have sent those books to me to review.”

“Oh,” he said, slightly skeptical. And the truth is, although the know-it-all language in some self-help books rubs me the wrong way, I often turn to experts when I’m stuck. I’ve always been that way. When I’m scared or unsure, I reach out to others. That includes friends who’s listen, authors I’ve never met — and other bloggers, too.

So, perhaps it’s no surprise that as my life slowly changes (read = I’m getting married!), I’m turning to those who’ve gone before me. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been seeking out single moms who’ve gotten remarried. I’m going to start profiling these super women off and on here as “snapshots.“

For starters, please help me welcome Tinamarie Bernard, aka Modern Love Examiner.

Tinamarie and her first husband got divorced after almost nine years together “because, in a nutshell, our core philosophies, values, and expectations were way off from one another.”

Their son was two when they broke up, and she started “to do some serious soul searching.” This included finding a spiritual path in Judaism and deciding to convert. Within the year, at age 38,  she started to date an older man long distance, “but he was just too broken for a relationship.”

“One night, feeling really blue, I went to a single’s event with friends. That’s when I heard this guy with luscious lips say in a funny accent, ‘I want to meet the woman with the beautiful eyes.’ ”

“H” was from Israel and he was immediately smitten about Tinamarie — although she was the first single mom he’d ever dated. After dating for JUST eight weeks, he took her to Israel to visit his family. Still, she was cautious. “He proposed after three months, and I said, ‘Yes, but not now.’ Three months later, he proposed again.”

At first, her son was jealous when he saw his mom holding hands with H. After they got engaged, Tinamarie started to let H. spend the night — and bring some of this belongings over. “We started with his cat. Over the course of a month, H. started to stay in the morning, and we talked to my son about how we were all getting married. As in the three of us. Not exactly spelled out, but my son would say things like, ‘When we get married, blah blah.’ ”

Listen to this! Tinamarie, H., and her son have since moved from San Diego to Israel together. And on Leap Day, 2008, they welcomed a baby girl into their lives!

What has been the best part about blending your family?

“We have a really cool family tradition. We call it the mosh pit. We all lay down somewhere together, under lots of blankets an just snuggle and wiggle and eek out a comfortable spot between squirming little kid bodies trying to get the best position. Which usually means in between both of us. It lasts all of five minutes, but still, those are my five minutes of family time.”

And what has been the most challenging part?

“Two things. One is that my family isn’t Jewish and my mother, in particular, has a hard time with the fact that I am now living in Israel. She only has two grand kids and they are 7000 miles away. Here, we’ve got loads of cousins and can feel part of the mainstream culture. In San Diego, it was a constant issue. To this day, my mom still wishes me Happy Easter, etc, but doesn’t mention one Jewish holiday unless prompted by my dad.

Also, H. and I do have differing philosophies at times about parenting. He tends to be stricter, and gets into power struggles with my son…. But the truth is, they both love one another as much as any biological father/son. H. does a fine job of balancing his role with my son, as well as with his biological father, who still lives in San Diego and talks to our son several times a day.”

Tinamarie writes about intimacy, relationships, erotica and sacred sexuality for the Examiner, and is the Eco-sexuality columnist for Greenprophet. You can also find her on twitter @ModernLoveMuse.

~~~

If you’re a single parent, do you ever imagine getting remarried someday?

And if you’re a single parent who has gotten remarried, what has been the BEST part? And how about the most challenging?

I’ve never really liked that expression. Tying a knot makes me think of cinching or tethering. There’s something about that image seems so restrictive, don’t you agree?

Call me a fairy tale idealist, but I prefer to think about getting married as making a knot, as in two people gently tying a bow. Together. You’re entertwined, yet not confined.

Deep breath. Now that my taxes are done, it’s time to get to those Save the Date cards. Indeed, we’re immersed in wedding planning over here. We’ve stayed up late many nights in a row going over the guest list. Again and again. If we’re going to limit the number of people (due to space and cost), who’s gotta go? (No!) Did someone just say “caterer”? And how about parking? If friends and family are going to be part of the ceremony, how will we choose who’s who?… 

One of my favorite bloggers — Penelope Trunk, a divorced mom who’s getting remarried this weekend – says “if you don’t have conflict then you are probably not trying to do something interesting with your life.”

All of this wedding planning has created conflict for sure. Location, money, family, friends, food. Details. Yet in the midst of it all, I’m doing my best to remember to be loving and kind (and just ask that LG, I can be very stubborn and insistent). But after all, isn’t that the point? To love each other, with loads of kindness.  If this isn’t the best time to practice, I don’t know when is.

I’m not sure if those deep fears ever go away. Or, if you just learn how to face them without freaking out all the time.

Fortunately, LG doesn’t have this, um, challenge. Sure, he might have other fears pop up once in a while  — but trust just doesn’t seem to be one of them. He simply believes in us. It’s that easy. Ah, how delightful.

And me? Well, I continue to struggle with this darn bugger. No, it’s not that bad. But every once in a while, something or other will trigger these old feelings. Fortunately, I’ve got words for these feelings now: I can talk about that queasy feeling in my stomach, instead of lashing out. Besides, the rational me has no reason to doubt him. He’s a good man, a genuinely good guy.

It’s me.

As LoveBabz pointed out almost one year ago — when I wrote about learning how to trust – this is about MY insecurities.

How do YOU do it?

Legal Editor Mom told me: “Simply put, keep your thoughts from things that are past and done: thinking of the past wakes regret and pain.”

I wish it was that easy.

And Carolyn from Running Leap — who just celebrated her one-year anniversary since meeting her Mr. K — added:

“Yeah, this is a toughie for me as well. My ex cheated on me at least twice, and the only other significant boyfriend I had left me for his ex-wife, whom he’d been ‘reconnecting’ with behind my back!…

Now I’m with this amazing guy, and I can’t imagine him betraying me like that… And yet I can’t imagine him *not* betraying me, either. I only know betrayal. Some sick part of me is just waiting for it…It’s ridiculous. I *know* it’s ridiculous. If you met him, you would also know that it’s ridiculous. He loves me. He’s a good guy. He would never…And yet, there it is. I like to think that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I’ll let my guard down and stop worrying and just accept his love at face value.”

Accepting. Well, here I am. This all makes me think of this amazing poem I love by Thomas R. Smith called “Trust,” which ends with:

“And sometimes you sense how faithfully your life
is delivered, even though you can’t read the address.”

~~~

So, do these fears ever go away? Or, do you just learn how to face them — and deal with them — better? Gentler? And more honestly?