When I first became a single mom, I made myself sick by trying to come up with answers to this imaginary future scenario. In this imagined scene, my child was asking: “Do I have a Daddy?”

I came up with all kinds of possible ways to start my answer:

It’s not your fault–

I want you to know the truth–

Our family is small, but it’s overflowing with love–

Still, years ago, I would have done anything to get my hands on some picture books that would have helped me. When my daughter was in preschool, there was a handful of books that showed what our family looked like. But not many.

Todd Parr was one of the first authors I discovered who truly illustrates the modern-day single parent family. He’s still one of my favorites. Here are some other favorite books that really show who we are. If you have any that aren’t on this list, please share

1.  The Family Book by Todd Parr

Todd’s writing is so silly and sweet — and you can’t beat his super fun illustrations. You’ll meet an array of families: single moms, stepmoms, stepdads, stepsisters, two moms, two dads… you get the picture.

2. Love Is a Family by Roma Downey

This is another all-time favorite. Written by the star of the TV show Touched by an Angel star, it’s a simple, real loving mother-daughter story. It’s Family Fun Night at school, and Lily is positive that she and her mom will be the weirdest family there. The theme: even if you’re a “small kind” of family, you’re still a family.

3. Who’s in a Family? by Robert Skutch

This is a must-have in every single parent home with kids under age eight. The ending includes blank spaces in which your child is instructed to “draw a picture of your family.”

4. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss

It’s about abandonment, perseverance, overcoming real obstacles, loyalty, and ultimately about joy.

5. Do I Have a Daddy? by Jeanne Warren Lindsay

This also deals with abandonment — it’s an intense book and best for older kids.

6. A Chair For My Mother by Vera B. Williams

It’s not about a single mother per say, but the main characters are a mother, her daughter, and the grandmother — no mention of a father. Their apartment burns and they find a new place. It’s about three women working and living together.

7. The Best Single Mom in the World: How I Was Adopted by Mary Zisk

A girl tells how her mother decided to become a single parent and traveled overseas to adopt her.

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Please add your feedback — and add any children’s book titles I’ve left out!

(Dads, please chime in, too!)

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Almost one year ago, I wrote about Censoring my Blog — and your comments made me think hard (as usual).

In that post, I wrote about my blogging struggle: it was time for me to stop writing about my kid. This all started when I was having a heart-to-heart one evening with my tween, and she said, “Mom, you’re not going to blog about this, are you?”

Let me tell you, this hasn’t been an easy decision. Because when you’re a single mom whose blog revolves around relationships and family, how can you NOT write about your own kid?

Still, it was time for me to face the facts: I’m not an anonymous blogger. (These days, however, I do wonder what being an anonymous blogger really means. It’s not that hard to do the research and find out someone’s identity, thanks to Facebook and Google.)

So, a year ago, I asked how other bloggers deal with writing about their kids as they get older. It was Kat from My Single Mom Life — who has been blogging since 1997 (!), when her boys where eight and six — who said that whenever she blogs about her sons, “it is written entirely with their permission:”

“It is my blog about my life as a single parent. They are central figures in that life and blog, but they are also their own people and I must respect them and their decisions to not discuss certain things that go on in their lives.”

Don’t get me wrong: I applaud the parent bloggers out there who write about their tweens and teens under their real names. And I follow a few juicy favorites to soak up everything I can, such as:

Bacon Is My Enemy

Would Coulda Shoulda

Kat Wilder (who blogs anonymously about her teen)

And my latest love? This Full House, mom of teens who wrote this great post about how her four kids asked her to please use their real names – because their blogging acronyms were “stupid” (I love it! Although her hubby still wants to remain anonymous. Ha!)

Yeah, I’m still struggling with this one. If you have more thoughts about bloggers who write about their kids, I’d love to hear them.

Do you think that blogging about your kids as they get older is only acceptable if you blog anonymously?

Or, it’s all good as long as you get your kids’ permission first?

I’d love to know if any of you follow any bloggers who write about their older kids. Please share their URLs here. Thanks!

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Thanks so much to all of you for your recent comments about what it means to let a boyfriend or girlfriend step in and discipline. Your feedback has inspired some very LONG, thoughtful conversations between LG and me. This is good stuff!

Your comments also encouraged more dialogue at the Boston Globe: writer Lylah Alphonse — a mom and step-mom to five kids — wrote her own post at Boston.com from the perspective of a step mom.

“I think the answer depends on how you define ‘discipline,’ ” Lylah says.

“In my case, I was (and am) comfortable with sending the big kids to their rooms. I’ll correct manners, enforce our household rules, separate squabbling siblings, set time outs, revoke privileges…but if harsher punishment needs to be meted out when my step kids are with us, it seems like that should be up to their dad because, well, he’s their dad. I’ll back him up, I’ll support his decision, but the decision is still his, not mine.”

She also says that there’s a big gender gap with it comes to step-parents: “Step dads are often lauded as heroes for ‘saving’ the single mom in distress and ‘taking on’ her kids; few people blink if a step dad has to lay down the law.”

“Step moms, though? Our authority is always in question, if not by the kids, then by other adults. I think there are far fewer single dads out there wondering if their girlfriends should have a hand in disciplining the kids.”

Reading Lylah’s post sure makes me pause — and think hard. Sometimes I’m so enmeshed in this single mom identity that I forget about how it might feel to be on “the other side.”

Of course, LG is not a step-father — but he’s also more than a guy I’m dating. Maybe for the first time ever, I feel like I’ve met a man who’s here to stay.

LG has told with me how unsure he feels sometimes, too. This is the first time he has seriously dated a single mom. And, of course, this all has my very own Aunt Marge chiming in again:

“Give LG a chance to express to you where he is/is not comfortable in these situations.” (Thanks Marge!)

As we all grow closer, we each have lapses of insecurity. On a good day, our insecurities don’t come out at the same time. My daughter has them, too. She’s very good at communicating to me when she feels jealous — or excluded. I’m so grateful she has the words to talk about her feelings.

But no matter what — when you get beyond all the manner and rules, time outs and revoked privileges — I hope that we can all remember this:

Love grows.

As LG spends more time with us, our love does grow. When the three of us are together, I feel like we’re making space for all of us. As my love gets bigger, so does my daughter’s — and so does his. It is possible that this is just going to get bigger and bigger?

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“I never got around to being a father,” I overheard the Lucky Guy saying to some friends recently at a BBQ at his house.

At that moment, I was coming around the corner with a big salad in my hands. Of course, I stopped mid-step to get the best possible chance at eavesdropping.

“So, now,” he added, “I get to experience a little bit of what parenthood might have been like.”

Whoa. Talk about wanting to just weep into that lettuce.

For the record, let me say that from day one, I made it clear to LG that I’m the parent. (Hopefully, it didn’t sound that harsh when I said it.) As you know, I’ve played the role of Mom and Dad very early on — even if wearing those Dad shoes doesn’t always come easy for me. Dating as a single mom for me has never been about searching for father figure for my kid. If she had been younger and I’d met my future life partner, this might have happened naturally. But today, expecting any guy to take on this role this would be sorely inappropriate.

That said, I’m honest about this: discipline has not been my strengths, and I work hard at setting boundaries. (I didn’t really grow up with many of them.) Sometimes, I’ll crack myself up wondering how it would feel to say something: “Wait ‘till your father gets home.” Ha. Just joking.

Still, nowadays, we’re all spending more quality time together — from sharing dinner to going on vacation — which means that LG is getting a real taste of parenting for sure. As you all know, kids are not puppets who follow the game plan all the time. So, while we all share many sweet experiences together, it’s not all maple syrup.

What I mean is: my daughter is feeling so comfortable with the boyfriend that she’s starting to push limits. Just this week, for instance:

I’d told her: “No more Halloween candy. You’ve already had enough.”

And what did she do? She went straight to LG and asked him if she could have a lollipop.

Until recently, this is what has worked in situations like the above:

LG says: “You asked your mother and she said ‘No.’ ”

But now that she’s older — and wiser — I see how my sassy kid is working. She might, say, wait until I’m  on the phone — and unavailable — to ask LG, so sweetly, “So, if I can’t have candy, then can I have some ice cream?”

Him: “Wait until your Mom gets off the phone. You can ask her then.”

Her: “Please, just a little?”

Him, shaking his head.

Her: “C’mon, just one tiny bit?”

You can see where there is all headed. So, I’m sure you have a lot to say on this one:

When is it appropriate for your boyfriend — or girlfriend — to discipline your kid(s)?

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This is my kid’s fifth soccer season, and for years, I dared myself to show up to a game wearing this T-shirt:

But I could not have embarrassed her like that. Me? And besides, everyone on our team already knew that I was single anyway. Moreover, it’s very unlikely that a single dad from the rival team — from all the way on the other side of the field — would have even seen my T-shirt from that far away.

I never played sports as a kid, so maybe it was just a selfish wish to want a soccer dad. He could have explained to me exactly what a “forward” and a “sweeper” were. (It took me two seasons to get it.) He would have been the kind of guy who enthusiastically cheered from the sidelines, the one who let the coach really be The Coach. He would not have stepped in and screamed loudly, “Pass it!” or “Get rid of it!” — or worse.

If your kids play sports, you know what kind of men I’m talking about. (I don’t mean to come down on you, guys, but I’ve never seen a mom exhibiting this kind of behavior from the sidelines.)

It’s the kind of behavior that one father – Mike Woitalla, who coaches youth soccer in Northern California and is the executive editor of Soccer America — describes in a recent email I got. It’s his latest column, written “for the kids.” Of course, when he wrote at the top, “Adults can stop reading now,” I kept on reading (and cracking up big time!)

“Dear Soccer-Playing Children of America,

The fall season is underway and I’m hoping you’re having a great time. I’m hoping that you’re playing soccer more than you have to stand in line and do drills.

I hope you’re falling in love with the soccer ball and keep it with you as much as you can. Juggling it. Kicking it against a wall. Dribbling it around in your backyard.

And I especially hope that your parents aren’t screaming at you during your soccer games.

I worry that you probably do get yelled at, because that’s what I see at almost all the youth soccer games I go to. Hopefully you just ignore it. But I don’t blame you if it bothers you….”

He goes onto explain that if parents do scream from the sidelines, they’re not necessarily “bad people. But, unfortunately, sports does something to adults that makes them behave in ways they usually wouldn’t.”

“Get adults around sports and all of a sudden they forget the same manners they try to teach you. In a way, sports are like driving. A grown-up gets behind the wheel and all of a sudden forgets you’re not supposed to pick your nose in public.

And when grown-ups go watch their children play soccer, they, for some reason, think it’s OK to scream like maniacs. Perhaps they don’t realize what they’re doing. Like the nose-pickers on the freeway who think they’ve suddenly gone invisible.”

At the end of his column, he encourages kids to remind their parents, “that it’s your playtime….Ignore the shouts if you can. But don’t be afraid to say, ‘I’m trying my best. Please, don’t scream at me.’ ”

~~~

I know that many of your kids play sports. Do you ever see other parents who forget that it’s not their playtime? (Or, tell the truth: Is that YOU?)

T-shirt image from BrattyTees.com

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Sure, some of my close friends raised their eyebrows when I told them about my single parent play date in San Francisco with RJ, founder of SingleDad.com. “Hey, didn’t you have a little crush on him a long time ago?”

Um, yes. But now he has become like a big brother. It’s possible to be friends with another single dad — without any weird tension. Really. Right here on this blog, so many of you said that single moms and dads really can be platonic friends.

At last, here’s a little video I made of our weekend. As you can see, I’m starting to get the hang of iMovie. Cutting is the tough part. There’s so much that got left out: the drag queens in the Cheesecake factory, the Bushman who scared everyone near Fisherman’s Wharf, RJ watching college football, the girls meeting “Ms. San Francisco.”

Update:

A few hours after posting this: RJ’s girlfriend submitted a comment here. It’s my call not to post the entire comment — I don’t want to create drama — but I DO want to acknowledge her feelings.

When she wrote, “I have trust issues from previous relationships” — I knew that could be me talking. The truth is, relationships can really get complicated when there’s a lack of communication. (RJ!!)

I had been unaware about her feelings. She wrote about what it means to trust someone, and how it feels to be dating a blogger. “I think that honesty is the best policy, and I think that was lacking in our communication… and I am not able to hide my hurt,” she said.

I empathize with her more than I can express on this blog. I’ve had my share of communication issues, and I know up close what it means to feel scared and hurt. I can’t thank her enough for sharing her feelings with me.

~~~

Without further adieu…. here’s the video of our girls becoming friends. I look forward to hearing your feedback.

Click here to view the embedded video.

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Congrats to the winners of Rage by Danny Evans!

• Jane at Mozi Esmes Mommy

• Helene at The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide

Congrats to the winners of $25 gift certificates to His Room and Her Room.

• Kevin at 5Ks and Cabernets

• Bridgette at New Single Mama

Thirteen (!) of you guessed who the Lucky Guy is: Number 5!

All winners chosen by Random.org.

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Now, guess who’s rolling back into town this weekend? RJ, founder of SingleDad.com, and his daughter, Mia. It’s Mia’s birthday on September 11, so we’re getting our daughters together for a birthday weekend at the girls’ favorite spots in the city.

In the meantime, please check out this little video that RJ and I taped in North Beach, San Francisco the last time he was up here.

I ask RJ about one of my parenting challenges: giving in too easily (who me?). He gives me his two cents about this one. I’m working on it.

If you’re also struggling at times to stay “on top of the throne,” as RJ says, let’s hear about it. Thanks!

Click here to view the embedded video.

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Six months ago, I wrote about my intention to keep my blog posts about my daughter to a minimum.

I haven’t exactly stuck to this plan. Some of you know that my kid was one of the main “characters” in my book about dating as a single mom, Single Mom Seeking. When I wrote my book, she was a cute toddler who threw tantrums. I knew that someday soon she would become a reader. And someday, she might very well want to read what I’d written about her.

Believe it or not, I’m fine with that. But now that she is nine — and I’m still writing about her here – I have to wonder: Am I exposing too much? Should I be thinking more about her privacy? Is this even appropriate?

This week, Dr. Leah Tweeted about an article in the New York Times — The Memoir and Children’s Privacy.

One writer in my area whom I know — Melanie Gideon, the author of the memoir, The Slippery Year: A Meditation on Happily Ever After – speaks very openly about this issue in the New York Times article.

“I told myself I had until my son was 10 to write about him,” said Melanie. “After that, any appearance is an invasion of his privacy.”

She went onto explain: “Everybody is material in some way. But should they be?”

Another writer, however — David Matthews, who wrote the memoir Ace of Spades – disagreed.

“For me, everything is grist, everything is worthy of sacrifice if it serves the story… I try to take care that legal concerns are attended to: names changed, etc., so that the actual persons referenced are not easily identifiable, but that’s as far as I go. Friends, relatives, lovers, are all fair game.”

Others folks, however, likened this “tell all” approach to exploitation.

“Parents are supposed to protect you, not expose you,” one New York Times reader commented. “Want to write about your kids? Fine, use a pseudonym, disguise details effectively, and never tell a soul you’re the author. Or if you think your career is more important than your children’s well being, don’t have children.”

That sounded a little harsh to me, but in the end, we all know what matters: our children’s well being. Right? (In my daily life, I’m that parent who’s always barking out, “Look both ways before you cross the street!”)

I’d love to know your thoughts on this one.

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You have no idea how much I wish I’d posted a little something about my Sleeping Arrangements before my trip.

Wow, I could have really used your right-on advice before I’d packed my bags and flown across the Pacific. (As I just read your comments over again, I kept thinking, “Why hadn’t I thought of that?”). In fact, this topic has generated some very lengthy conversations recently with that Lucky Guy — talks lasting even longer than that time we had our Facebook fight.

Here’s where I went wrong from the start: I didn’t have a plan.

When we’d first reserved our little condo in Hanalei, I should have looked carefully at the bed situation and come up with a solid course of action.

After reading about my sleeping dilemma this weekend, Dr. Leah from Singlemommyhood shot off an email to me. First, she gently teased me about the fact that, before I know it, M will be off to college, where she’ll probably sleep on a college dorm bed similar to that cot. Who knows? She might even beg me to go away for Spring Break with her girlfriends, assuring me that she’s fine about sleeping on a bare floor.

“Balking at sleeping on the cot in Hawaii had nothing to do with the cot,” explained Dr. Leah.

“M was testing the limits. She likely felt a bit of competition with LG. M is used to having Rachel’s undivided attention. And kids sense our vulnerabilities. M was aware that Rachel had great difficulty with their separation despite Rachel’s stellar airport performance. M didn’t need the all-night physical attachment to Rachel. Rachel may have longed for it, especially since M had grown up quite a lot during her solo vacation. But these were Rachel’s needs  — not M’s needs.”

Dr. Leah went on to point out that: “Sleeping arrangements are an adult decision.”

Oh, yes, I’m the grown up here. It was up to ME to decide that that adults would sleep in the bedroom with the locked door — and my child would sleep on the cot in the living room. Before boarding the plane, I should have sat M down and mapped out the plan like this:

I’m embarrassed to say how it really played out: we played musical beds. Yes, LG spent a night on the sofa and another night on the cot (I know, I know), and M fell asleep on the floor one night from pure exhaustion… so he and I did get to share the big bed. (If you’re wondering if he and I fooled around at all after-hours, there’s nothing at all to wonder about.)

Although setting boundaries is still sometimes a struggle, Dr. Leah is encouraging me to change. “You need to show her how to share attention, cope with a bit of disappointment, and accommodate the wishes of others” says Dr. Leah. “This will contribute much to your kid’s happiness and success in adulthood.”

To those of you who want to bop me on the head right now, go ahead. I can take it.

To those of you who are struggling with similar issues when it comes to setting boundaries, I’d love to hear about them.

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“I think I did really well, don’t you?”

That was the first thing I said to LG after sending M off on her week-long adventure — without me. With a quick hug and kiss at the balmy Lihue airport 10 days ago, she was on her way. And I was on mine.

LG nodded his head and smiled. I took a deep breath. This was it. My daughter was off with her friend’s grandparents to Hanalei Beach for five nights and six days.

If M was nervous, she sure hadn’t shown it. Twenty minutes ago, she’d jumped into her car and waved me off. Her mind seemed to be on her first destination: the pool! (I later found out that she jumped in with her friend, first thing, with their clothes on!).

As we headed in the opposite direction — to hike on the southern side of Kauai — I was proud. See, I’d kept my emotions in check. I hadn’t shed a tear. Everything was perfect: I was in Hawaii with a man whom I loved. We could do anything we wanted to: swim in the Pacific Ocean, eat fish tacos and drink beer, walk on the sand barefoot…. So, why did I feel so empty? Why couldn’t I just smile and get with the program?

LG reached out and held my hand. “Are you okay?”

I was fine, just fine. “Yeah! I’m great!”

But he could tell that I wasn’t. (Later, he’d use the word “sulky” to describe me.) Maybe I was just hungry; or tired; or hot. Maybe I needed some time to adjust to the climate. But I was in Hawaii! What the heck was wrong with me?

“I could tell that you missed M,” LG told me later. “But I was afraid that if I said something, you’d snap.”

The truth is: I felt anxious. But I was too darn ashamed to admit it. Clearly, my kid was fine with a week apart. Why couldn’t I just sit back, have a Mai Tai, and enjoy this island life?

LG didn’t hide how psyched he was: after dating for six months, we’d only had a handful of occasional kid-free nights together. And those were just 24-hour slots. Now we had six whole days!

As we headed down along the highway, LG asked what I wanted to do first. “I don’t know,” I said.

Humph. I always know what I want to do. If there’s one trait I’m proud of, it’s my decisiveness. Why couldn’t I just “woman up” and have fun? Admitting that I was “M sick” was just too embarrassing.

Looking back now — after a good cry that first day — I see what was happening. Almost a decade into single motherhood, being a mom was such a huge part of who I was. Ask me anything about my life, and the first thing you’ll hear is: “I’m a mom.”

But I didn’t know how to be ME anymore. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Please tell me you’ve had a similar identity crisis before. Even if it was just for two minutes.

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