An ex-boyfriend emailed me this week, after six years of almost no contact. Well, he wasn’t really even a boyfriend.

If you read my book, you might remember Adam. He’s the hot Jewish single dad who works in law enforcement.

In 2002, I’d seen him around the neighborhood. He rode a motorcycle. He was bald. I found out that his daughter was friends with my landlord’s daughter. So I asked for his number.

“That was very bold,” he told me when I cold-called him one night.

He asked if I wanted to come to his home for dinner — with our daughters, as friends. He was a great cook. Soon, we were having dinner once a week — with our daughters.

Sometimes, after eating, our girls watched a movie. He and I went into the hot tub together without the kids. But he never came onto me.

And I never came onto him because he’d told me straight out, early on: “I like you, I enjoy your company, but I don’t want to sleep with you.”

Well, okay then.

Maybe he was sleeping with someone else on the side. Maybe he wasn’t attracted to me.

I would have slept with him. For sure. And he knew this.

One night, after a glass of wine, we shared one long kiss. That was it.

But we weren’t dating. This was about keeping each other company over dinner, with our kids. Not more.

~~~

So, you can imagine my surprise when Adam emailed me this week.

“Coffee,” he wrote in the subject line.

In the past six years, I’d run into him exactly two times. One time, his fiance was with him. I later heard they’d broken up.

His email to me this week was one line:

“Any chance you feel like meeting me for coffee next week?”

Excuse me.

This guy hasn’t called me or emailed me for years — and now he wants to have coffee?

But I was intrigued. Some crushes don’t get crushed.

I wrote back: “Wow, is this THE Adam? I might have time on Thursday for coffee–”

He wrote back: “What are you doing this evening? Can I call you? I need to speak to you.”

On the phone, he told me that he’d burned a lot of bridges over the years. He explained that he was on a mission to find people from his past whom he’d hurt.

I’d never heard him talk so openly about his feelings. Maybe he was in therapy?

“Are you dating anyone?” he asked me.

“No,” I said. “I don’t want to be dating anyone right now.”

Him: “You don’t?”

I sighed. Something was shady.

Adam had never seemed interested in me like that. Why now? All of a sudden?

“I think about you a lot, still,” he said.

“You do?” I asked. “But we haven’t seen each other for years. Why are you telling me this now?”

“I really would like you see you,” he said. “Thursday should work. I’ll call you later this week.”

In my gut, something is fishy here.

I’m not sure if I should see him.

We weren’t able to remain friends: that’s because I wanted more back then. I remember how easily he let me go. We never spoke again. It hurt.

My life is drama-free, and I like it that way.

Should I see him?

Have you ever had an ex blast back into your life from the past?

Didn’t you feel a little cynical, too?

Photo by Steve Todey

Many of you email me on the side with tips, advice, warnings, and more. Thank you so much.

Recently, Matt, a.k.a. The Theoretical Chemist, sent an interesting scientific tidbit to me about women sniffing out men:

Studies find that women are more attracted to men whose scents are different from their own.

Does the way a man/woman smells turn you on… or off?

One of my single mom friends refuses to date online because she says that you can’t smell the man first.

If you want to read this great piece in its entirety — “The Scent of a Relationship” – it’s all spelled out at Single Minded Women. In short:

“These studies show that women are attracted to men who have dissimilar immune systems, so that the healthiest babies will be born,” explains Martin Brown, author of “Scent of a Relationship.”

And here’s the twist: it appears that the Pill affects a woman’s sense of smell:

When a woman is on birth control, studies show that she is more attracted to men whose immune systems are similar to hers.

In other words, the Pill “tricks” a woman’s body to feel pregnant, so she’s more attracted to a man who would protect her — but not necessarily mate with her. Genetically, this man could be her cousin.

In my experience, I’d say this is very true! Being on the Pill has affected the kind of man I pursued.

If any of you have used hormonal birth control, I’d love to hear if it’s changed the way you sniff out men.

~~~

If the above was a lot to digest, here’s another way to think about it:

Psychology Today reported a study by a biologist who gave 44 men new T-shirts, which they wore to bed two straight nights.

Later, single women sniffed the shirts and indicated which ones they found had the most pleasant odors.

In numbers that defied any form of mere chance, the women picked the shirts of men who were immunologically dissimilar.

This would seem logical because we mate with partners who have different immune patterns from our own. This way, we increase our chances of creating offspring that are better able to fight disease.

Psychologist Rachel Herz, author of the groundbreaking book The Scent of Desire, suggests that women ready to seek a long-term partner consider alternative birth control before they start that quest.

“If you’re looking for a man to be the father of your child,” Herz says, “go off the pill before you start your search.”

Your turn–

Photo by Loleia

Do you remember the single dad who was seeking advice this summer about the single mom whom he’d fallen for?

He wanted a relationship. But this single mom was very clear when he asked, “So, are we a couple?”

She just laughed and said ‘We are just friends with benefits.”

So, he visited the blog and asked: “Should I hang on and hope that things will turn around?”

You, my dear readers, answered.

Blue Bella, for example, said:

“If at all possible try to remain friends if you can. . . but don’t be afraid to move on. There is a woman out there who’s ready to fall in love with you - when you’re available!”

(Side note here: Blue Bella had early contractions this week and is on bed rest in the hospital. Send her good vibes!)

Anyway, Joseph took all of your advice to heart. He just emailed me:

“Hello Rachel,

I  just wanted to thank you for the insight that I received from your readers.

I have moved on from the current quasi-relationship of being friends with benefits.

By the way, we are still good friends, just now without the benefits.”

Then, he went on to say:

“Quite by accident I happened to be in a park with my kids and started talking to this woman. It was weird how we just connected with each other.

She’s a single mom, and I asked for her number……well, now we are seeing each other. It is an awesome experience to be truly with someone. We can talk about anything and everything. Hell she even made me breakfast in bed…no one has ever done that for me, ever!!”

Doesn’t that just make you feel all warm inside?

Speaking of getting teary-eyed, if you want to read the most heartwarming post of the week…

check out Depot Dad.

~~~

Some days, my head is spinning with anecdotes, hearsay, and even deep thoughts. So, I’ll keep going.

If you’re single in L.A. and want to join the newest, savviest singles’ scene, go here: Singular City.

For single parents of teens, there’s a great piece in the premiere issue of Singular magazine by Casey Green about Dating: Is your teenager watching you?

~~~

Lastly, do you have any updates? Let’s hear ‘em!

• Does anyone have some hot dating news?
• Did anyone get a new pet?
• Is anyone going pumpkin picking this weekend?
• How about your favorite blog post of the week?

Photo from cover of Singular magazine

Here’s Kristin Eaton with Luke Himebaugh, Phillip Price, David Silver.

Second update:

~~~

Did you catch the last episode of TLC’s single parent reality dating show — “Must Love Kids“? In case you missed it, or want to add your two cents, go for it!

What I most appreciated about this show was the fact that these three moms seemed so real. Their homes looked like mine, messes and all. They got frazzled and tired — like me.

Vanessa, mom of two, had two great guy-choices. First, there was Michael, who seemed very considerate about the fact that Vanessa’s son was so cautious around him. Gabriel has experienced his father leaving him — and trying to come back, so the caution was understandable.

And there was Paul, single dad of one daughter. Paul won me over a while back by being incredibly mature. Vanessa’s ex had shown up at her apartment — unannounced — during their date, and Paul had calmly waited for him to leave. Vanessa and her ex have had an on-again, off-again relationship and hopefully she has broken that cycle.

In the end, Vanessa choice Michael. (Vanessa, if you want to chime in here about how everything is going, let’s hear it!)

Tracy, mom of wild child Paris, needed to choose between Eric and Mark. In the end, she decided that she’s not ready for a relationship. Instead, she made it clear that she needs to focus on parenting. Bravo.

Note: I have gotten many comments from you about the parenting support that Tracy clearly needs. While I agree that she really need to work on boundaries, I haven’t published the most spiteful remarks. I don’t think that lashing out will help Tracy in the long run. Do you?

Single-mom-of-three Kristin had to choose between Chris and Luke. Although Luke’s daughters hit it off so well  with Kristin’s kids, the on-screen chemistry seemed to fizzle out. Fortunately, they’ve remained friends, according to Luke’s recent Facebook comment. He says “not to worry all of you Must Love Kids fans, SHE is one of my very best friends now, it all worked out for the best!”

About Chris: I felt like there was something ____ about him! What is it? But clearly Kristin seemed like she was under a lot of pressure to choose, and in the the end, she rode the horse drawn carriage with Chris. Will it last?

Many of you have asked for updates about these moms and their suitors. Now that the show is over, let’s hear from you! TLC had a very strict don’t-talk policy with these single moms and their suitors: I had to get the “okay” with the authorities to write about the show here.

But now it’s time to talk!

Kristin and I have chatted on the phone — off the record, before the final episode aired — but I hope to get the real scoop about everyone soon…

If you watched “Must Love Kids” and want to chime in, please do!

In reality, do you think that these “reality TV” relationships — like Kristin and Chris — have any real potential of lasting?

Photo of Vanessa, Kristin, and Tracy from TLC

I remember the day last year when one of my favorite single mom bloggers — Emily Listfield at Redbook magazine — called it quits:

“When Redbook first asked me to share my dating adventures I was thrilled,” Emily wrote in her last post. “I really believed (and still do!) there’s too little attention paid to single moms and their desire — their right! — for romance.”

And then there was a but…

“But there were a lot of side effects I hadn’t predicted,” Emily wrote.

“First of all, writing a dating blog made me un-dateable! Seriously. I quickly discovered that no guy wants to see his personal life up on the web…. Even men I truly cared about and assured I would protect told me that they had to think about everything they said to me. Dating is hard enough — and men find it difficult enough to open up! — without the threat of that kind of exposure.”

Does this resonate with any of you?

So many of you blog about your dating life as a single parent. I know — because I read your blogs.

If you blog anonymously, let loose! But for those of us who blog with our names right there, I’d love to know:

• Do you tell your date that you blog?
• If you don’t say anything, do you worry that your date will Google you before you go out?

At this point, I sometimes feel like I’ve got to give up blogging about men… or find an open, honest male blogger who “gets it.” Know what I mean?

Photo by the Saint

Part V?

I know what you’re thinking: C’mon Rachel, haven’t we heard enough about the UPS man? You’re really milking it now.

But I never got to the moral of the story, did I?

I haven’t sent my book to my former UPS man. Yet. But he did leave a message for me not long after I got back from NYC.

“I’ve got a situation,” he said on my voice mail. “Call me back.”

Dang, I thought. He has found my blog. I’m done.

This isn’t impossible, either. I just Googled “UPS man” — and my thoughts about him come up on the first page.

I him called right back. I could hear him shuffling packages in his truck.

“Is everything okay?” I said.

“No,” he said.

“No?” I held my breath.

“I miss your lips,” he said.

I burst out laughing. Then I said: “How’s your young lady friend?”

Silence.

Clearly, the moral of the story is: sometimes fantasy doesn’t meet reality.

Thanks to all of you who pointed this out to me — you’re on the ball. (Yes, another moral might be don’t mix business with pleasure.)

Surely, you’ve experienced this fantasy vs. reality dilemma. Maybe you worked yourself up before a first date — imagining how you’ll click — and five minutes into dinner, everything fell flat?

So, what’s the secret to staying grounded when you have a crush on someone?

P.S. Thanks to Amy Nathan, who suggested that I might keep my eyes on the Fed Ex man…. Hmmm.

Update: Single Mom Seeking Sanity’s post about why she — a 30-something single mom — wears a promise ring.

I know that many of you have tweens or teens. And I officially have one now, too.

As you might also know, Mae is a huge fan of pop stars like the Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, and Miley Cyrus — all of whom wear promise rings, or “purity rings.”

In case you missed the Video Music Awards this week, a ‘promise ring’ debate was spurred after VMA host Russell Brand derided the Jonas Brothers for their purity vow.

That night, VMA’s host took a shot at the three Jonas Brothers and their vow to remain virgins until marriage.

In response, singer Jordin Sparks proudly showed off her own purity ring and shot back:

“I just have one thing to say about promise rings,” she announced to the audience. “It’s not bad to wear a promise ring, because not everybody — guy or girl — wants to be a slut.”

Will I buy my kid a promise ring in a few years?

I doubt it. I hope that our relationship is open and honest enough that we’ll talk.

When I put this question out to Facebook, my writer friend Ericka Lutz – mom of a teen — said:

“Uhhh, in a word or seven, ‘Are you out of your friggin’ mind?’ They don’t work and just lead to lies and hypocrisy.”

A single mom who reads this blog added:

“No way, no how. I’d rather my daughter know all there is to know about safe sex and feel confident in exploring her sexuality. Committing to a vow of chastity leads to…I don’t know…Bristol Palin?”

If any of you have tween or teen kids, I’d love to hear what you think about promise rings… Clearly, there are single parents all across the country who believe in them.

Photo of the Jonas Brothers at 2008 MTV Video Music Awards from PRPhotos.com

Apparently, single dads are the latest hot thing. At least, if you follow dating reality shows they are.

Take Jason Mesnick, the good-looking, educated, single dad, whom DeAnna Pappas rejected on ABC’s Bachelorette.

Some of my friends have joked that I should go after him. But the man is already flocked by hundreds of women. I’m not kidding. Jason, the 32-year-old father of three-year-old Ty, even has a personal email account just for his female fans.

Believe it or not, this is his email address: fanofjason@gmail.com.

After Pappas told Jason in the finale that her “heart is somewhere else,” his fans overloaded his MySpace account with comments and then bombarded ABC with requests to get in touch with him.

I even found a few women who set up their own MySpace pages in honor of Jason, where they’ve petitioned The Bachelor – ABC’s male version of the show — to have Jason on. Guess what? They got their wish.

I really appreciate what Annie from MomLogic says:

“I’m very excited to see him find love, but I can’t help but wonder, what if it were a single woman who had left her child at home to appear on The Bachelor? Then after hemming and hawing about how much she missed her child, she signed on to the be star of The Bachelorette the following season? I think people would be repulsed.”

Here’s what I want to know:

If Jason really wants to find a life partner, why doesn’t follow up with a handful of the 100s of women who’ve emailed him? Why is he going on another reality show — and putting his son on reality TV?

Single dads out there, would you love to put yourself in Jason’s shoes? Why? Why not?

To all of you: Is Jason Mesnick really lookin’ for love… or fame? What do you think?

The Bachelor is scheduled to premiere in January 2009.

Image of Jason Mesnick courtesy of NitaGirl and Jessy.

There I was at the BlogHer Newbie soirée last month — actually, I was standing outside the conference room because it was too loud and crowded in there — when I found myself sharing appetizers with a gorgeous woman named Tomima Edmark.

After introducing myself, she said, “I’m a single mom, too!”

There’s more: Tomima is also the owner of the successful companies HerRoom.com and HisRoom.com, where she’s “(un)covering what’s under everything.”

I finally caught up with Tomima — whose Scottish name rhymes with “Jemima” but with a “T.” I wanted to hear her tips for single moms — and dads — about buying underwear. In my own life, whenever I’ve wanted an inexpensive pick-me-up, getting a new pair of panties did it.

“After having a child, I was wearing those granny panties,” Tomima says. “Women often dumb down their fashion when they’re pregnant, and they have to pull themselves out of it after having a child.”

The same could be true after going through a divorce, or a disappointing break up. Those frumpy panties certainly can’t make you feel better.

“Besides, if you’re on the dating scene, you have to be ready,” Tomima adds.

She tells me a trick she learned from Tyra Banks: “I always wear high cut briefs. Tyra said, the skimpier the bathing suit, the skinnier you look. The same is true for panties.”

Just starting with the basics, Tomima explains women’s sizes to me: “a small is a size 5, a medium is size 6, and a large is a size 7. When you get panties that are too large, they’ll get loose and creep up.”

And thongs?

“No one wants to wear a thong all day. A thong is good for a night time date, so you feel sexy.”

How about Tomima’s favorite brand for men? The number one designer brand 2xist.

“Men often get stuck in a rut of buying those three packs of white underwear from Walmart,” says Tomima. “But they need to upgrade, too! Please, no more $6 Hanes underwear. And guys should steer clear of of white. They look like goobers when they finally get their magic moment. Men, buy black or gray. Black also makes you look thinner.”

Here’s the contest. Tomima has offered to give away one free pair of women’s and men’s underwear to one single mom and one single dad.

Tell us: What is your favorite brand of underwear… and why? Don’t be shy.

Personally, my favorite style is the boyshort panties, like LuLus.

“Last night we went to sleep beside each other as we have for the last twelve years,” Theo writes in Chapter 1. The following afternoon, Theo discovered her husband had been using her bank card. He had a gambling problem, and she’d already warned him, if it started again, it would end their marriage.

End it did. In How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, Theo describes how she created a new life for her and her two daughters. This includes trying to explain to friends and family what happened. She even considered building a website and sending people to an FAQ page, www.whatthe#&?!happened.com.

If you’re in Santa Fe, catch Theo at Borders:
500 Montezuma Street
Santa Fe, NM
Thursday August 7th at 7 p.m.

Or, her Seattle Reading on August 14:

Third Place Books
Lake Forest Park, WA
Thursday August 14th at 7 p.m.

Q: Has your ex-husband read the book?

Theo Nestor:
“As far as I know, he hasn’t read the book. He told me he didn’t want to. I tried to show some of the really good parts of him, like his desire to be a good father. I did not have any desire to write a story in which he was the villain. I wanted to write about my experience with divorce and how I got through the first couple of years.”

Q: At one point, you go to visit your sister with your daughters, and you sleep in the guest room with the kids. You write: “I feel like a child myself, as though in losing a husband I’ve lost some status in my family as well as in the world. I think sulkily about how a couple would always get their own room, but an insignificant single mother, you can just stuck her in that big old bed with her kids… I know this isn’t rational…”

Theo Nestor:
“Yes, the initial period after a divorce is often one of intense isolation and loneliness. Even though there’s this widespread acknowledgment that divorce is hard, there’s also these pervasive images in our culture of people moving on with great speed and grace…like Reese Witherspoon, Starbucks in hand, walking dreamily with new guy and her kids months after split.”

“But for most of us newly single moms, the reality is quite different–we’re home alone, making dinner, helping with homework, sometime crying ourselves to sleep—and very often we feel like we should be doing better, being braver, moving on more quickly. So it’s really important to recognize: This is grief. It’s lonely. It’s hard. But it does end. And you will, I promise, laugh and have fun again.“

Q: Do you think your daughters will want to read How to Sleep Alone one day?

Theo Nestor:
“One of my daughters would like to read it right now! It’s definitely an issue. I’ve asked her to wait and I’m trusting her that she will. There are multiple copies in the house and she’s thirteen, so it is a matter of trust… Someday she will read the book and I have to have faith that she will be able to tolerate the knowledge that her mother is human!”

Q: You met your boyfriend — a single dad who’s the primary caretaker of his son — on online? Do tell!

Theo Nestor:
“Yes, the boyfriend I mention in my acknowledgments, Kent, is the great guy I met online. Looking for love is like looking for a job: there’s no saying how long it’s going to take. Sometimes people find jobs the first day they look, though this has never happened to me… Anyway, I was fully prepared for it to take a long time, but I saw Kent’s profile the first time I looked on Match.com. We went out a few days later and we both knew that there was something special there.”

“We’ve been together for a year and half and it’s tricky to find time for each other as we’re both single parents. One thing that’s helped has been that he moved into my neighborhood, so whenever we have the chance we’ll meet for a walk or his son and him will come over for dinner.”

Single parents, here’s your chance to win a copy of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed!

For you, what has been the most challenging part about sleeping alone in a king-sized bed? In other words, when you first became a single parent, what was the most difficult for you?

Photo of Theo Pauline Nestor by David Hiller