FAQ for you
How did you become a single mom?
My daughter was seven months old when her father and I split up. That’s a graceful way of saying: He left the country to start a new life.
When did you decide to start dating again?
After moving from New York City to the Bay Area — back into my father’s apartment, ten years after leaving home — I cried many tears and faced some intense demons. Eventually, thanks to friends and family, I got back on my feet. A few years later, I decided to enter the dating scene: in the form of Match.com.
Why did you write a book?
I never really knew how to date — and as a single mom? No clue. So, I went looking for a first-person narrative written by a mom who’d been there. When I couldn’t find such a book, I got an agent and pitched the idea: Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World (2007, Seal Press)
Are you still a single mom?
And then…10 years into solo motherhood, I met the man whom I refer to as “Thunderpants.” I had a hunch that he was a great guy after he designed and built a bed for me. We got married in 2010 in his parents’ backyard in the San Francisco Bay Area.
What does your life look like today?
We’re all learning how to live together — as our love grows in our new little family. And our love story includes remodeling our 700 foot square home to make room for all of us. Our hope is to be as green as we can as we build our addition.
My message to the world has not changed. On my blog — whether I’m helping single moms find balance or showing Americans how to live sustainably – I hope to bring a little light to others’ lives.
Big news! In October 2011, I announced “another addition” on the way!
If you have any questions for me, please ask!
In 2008, I c0-founded Singlemommyhood with Dr. Leah Klungness, a psychologist in New York, and the co-author of the best-selling self-help book for single parents – The Complete Single Mother – now out in its third edition.
Here’s what inspired us to found our site: It’s challenging to find the time to create the sustaining community we all need and DESERVE. We GET it. We’ve both raised our kids as single parents and we created the kind of community we wished that we’d had.
Our readers are: single moms, single dads, married moms and dads who feel like single parents, parents whose partners are deployed, and parents who are divorced/separated.
You can also find me on: ❤ Twitter.
Single Mom Seeking has been listed as one of Babble’s Top 50 Bloggers in 2009 (wow, thanks guys!)
It’s also one of Parenting magazine’s “Mom Blogs We Love“ — along with Total Divorce’s top “Definite Divorce Reads” and one of the 100 Most Bookmark-Worthy Websites for Dr. Moms
In 2009, I was honored to speak on at Mind of Moms at BlogWorld Expo.
Leslie Morgan Steiner at The Washington Post included my guest post as one of her favorites
I love to talk about parenting, dating, and relationships. If you’re with the media, feel free to contact me! Here are some recent clips:
The Today Show
“View from the Bay” on ABC
You can read more about me on my Press Page.
~~~
Sending hugs,
Rachel
Photo by the amazing Johannah Hetherington
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Hi Rachel,
I just came across your blog and Love it!! Is there any way you can email me? I would love to chat with you about your writing.
Thank you,
L
Hi,
I am a single mom to a 11 month old girl… you can check out my daily happenings at kimzyjm.wordpress.com
Love your site
I’m a single mom and I can’t find how I can even keep friends that don’t have kids let alone date. Can anyone ive me some advice, I’m lost and lonely.
Single mom in SF. Knocked myself up twice after 40. I have a 2 1/2 year old girl and an 8 mo. old boy. Love my kids, would do it all again. Would probably have more if I had more money. Isn’t it sad when money gets in the way of family? I work full time and have a semi-live in sitter. Wish I had the wherewithal to put together a blog…sometimes I feel like I have a ton to say and nowhere to say it. I have a bunch of great friends with no children who hang out a bit but are happy to go back to their childless existances, a couple of friends married with children who are so overwhelmed themselves they don’t have the time to get together with me and mine and a couple of friends who are married and trying unsuccessfully to have children. I find myself going from group to group sharing different aspects of my story but not really fully fitting in anywhere. I’m mostly a go it aloner/against all odds type of person anyways so its an existance I’m familiar with. The best part is the kids though. There are times I wish I had someone to fully share my joy in them. My mother would have fit the bill if she was still around and I have a couple of ex-au pairs that love my rugrats almost as much as I do, but they’ve moved on. I think that’s what I miss most, someone who is as awed by the funny, silly, weirdness of my children as I am. I miss the ability to look over at someone and see that they find my kids as wonderful as I do.
Hi all -
I’m a single 46 yr old mother of a 6 yr old boy. I am 1 year in a new community and feel stopped and isolated. I love and treasure being a mother – I’m grateful for every day for this most amazing opportunity to teach a young person how to live with love, humor and wisdom in this world. I have so many thoughts and observations I’d like to post – but where? I’m not a 30 something mom, I’m not in need of a partner, I simply want to connect with other moms who are doing it alone. Mothers who, like me, miss the community that comes with moms that share their own ‘demographic’ profile and geographic proximity. What action I should take to fix this I’m not sure. I myself am the mother of an only, and that in of itself has its own built-in lonliness. I’ve often thought (at 3 am) that I’ll just build a site on Ning or something – how hard can it be? – but then the logistics of life seem to obscure the late night inspiration.
Just wanted to say hello to the moms out there – I’m off to the bus to meet my young Master Elihu…. All the best from upstate NY…
Elizabeth
Hi Elizabeth,
Last night was my first venture into any type of online “community” like this and I found this among several sites to be very supportive.
Since I cannot know where this post will end up, I will reserve the details of our lives. But suffice to say our family fits closely with your demographics and situation. There is so much that transpires in the lives of families who go through childrearing [and divorce] later in life. The same people who would have been supportive earlier are cruel at 40 something — it’s as if society [not all obviously] resents or holds a certain disdain for older moms.
I’m not sure what type of help would be supportive or helpful for you, but I am an editor and small publisher and would love to hear back from you if you’re interested in pursuing writing. You can find my email address on our site by going to: http://www.ShulamitePublishingHouse.com
We are expanding at the moment, so everything that you see is not everything in the works. Healing single-parent families is important not only to me, but to the success of our nation. I hope this response is encouraging to you.
Blessings,
Joyce
i am not sure how this works, but i read kimberly’s post and i can relate.i find it all a little much sometimes, working FT, being mother and everything else and trying to date at the same time. i find that it can be lonely too–i can relate to not seeing my friends without kids much. but i just keep moving forward and having faith. i just wish i could meet more mom’s like me–this is something that doesn’t happen that much!
Hi Rachel, just wanted to let you know that “Single Mom Seeking” has been chosen as one of our five favorite dating blogs! You can read the feature article on the Sassy Bean homepage starting 11/12/07 at http://www.sassybean.com. Congrats!
Hello Marie,
Thanks so much! I’m honored. I love http://www.SassyBean.com. I’ll be sure to blog about your article on Monday.
Have a great weekend.
P.S. Congrats to Matt and Tamsen on tying the knot!
Hi,
I just came across your blog and Im going to put it in my bloglines. I am a single mom of a 22 month old. No father in the picture whatsoever, and it is ok.
I look forward to reading more of your blog.
Have a good Thanksgiving, and remember to be thankful no matter what the heartache this day brings.
Rachel, simply love your blog and adding it to my blogroll! Neat stuff and will keep on exploring more around. H
Wow thank you so much thats a reallly wonderful compliment! LOL and yes english is by far my best subject. I’ve been told by several professors I should be an english major.. but honestly what would I do with an english major? I’m a very good BSer but I’m not so sure I’m cut out to write for real. I’m going to school to be a nurse which sadly requires alot of math it seems and I’m AWFUL at math. I’m so glad you came by!
I just started writing for a friend to help their website http://www.singlemomsindiana.com it is fairly new and I really love getting ideas from other bloggers. You write so freely and honest, i love it, which is how I am more accustomed to writing…hence, why i’ve kept a journal for the past 10 years. check em’ out. Im twinmother05
take care
What a nice website. It is so nice to see so many more sites about single parenting.
When I started http://SingleParentsNetwork.com there was just two, and one you had to pay to belong to.
Kudos and enjoy the transition, one day you will find the right one.
Peace
Robin
New to this site. Am 39 with a 22 mos old son. Going at it alone but have had incredibly difficult time with divorce/custody battle with ex who refused to work to support his son then wanted to take him only to use him as an excuse not to work. Not exactly my dream of having a ‘family,’ with 1.5 kids.
hormones kicking in and long for a partner but kinda hard when you’re home every night and hard to find evening sitters or extra cash to go out. Have tried to meet men when son is with his father but wish I had access to a regular partner vs. every other weekend arrangement.
so how DOES a single mother date, meet financial needs, etc?
Being a single parent really has to be one of the toughest challenges around. I was raised by a single mother, and a non-dad. Meaning no relationship,period. That was how I came into the world fifty years ago. It was not easy, not for me, not for her. My 3 boys are grown now. But after 5 years of marriage, I left their father. It was very hard to do but he was on drugs and constantly unemployed. We survived.
But I often wished there was somehow some person that I could “share” my kids with, their special moments. But I was alone. They grew up with struggles of their own, maybe feeling they sensed my feelings.
Now I am a grandmother. I cannot help but to notice now just how much “he” has missed, by his own choice. So have I. “He” cannot know how wonderful and how special it is just to be able to experience all that I have. The boys and now their babies. Is it crazy to say that it hurts still because “he” and I can’t share it?
So glad to find your site and read your words…comforting to know there are others like me out there.
All the best! Kelly & Baby Will (10 mos)
Hi! I’d been following your blog religiously for quite some time when I became a single mom 3 years ago – my daughter was 20 months old at the time. It was comforting to know that someone was almost in the exact same situation as me. I’ve been so busy keeping up with my daughter and work and friends and trying to date that I dropped off from reading it. I got engaged on April 7th and I was just going through my ‘favorites’ blogs to delete all the single-mom related ones, and I came upon your blog and have realized that we are in the same situation once again. Silly me for considering the deletion of those single mom blogs!!! Thanks for waking me up to that. I just thought I’d let you know that I’ll be following your blog religiously once again as I go through this transition.
xox Susan
It is always humbling and reassuring to have one of those “I am not alone” experiences — I have your blog to thank. Thank you for writing the real stuff.
Peace and Happiness-
Caro (newly single mama)
married at 26, had baby at 27, left crappy abusive husband 6 months later…divorced at 28. single, but not seeking. yet.
Can anyone recommend an online dating website for single parents in the SF bay area? I am finally ready to “get out there,” but I am only interested in meeting single fathers (for now). Match and OKCupid and Fitness-Singles all seem to have single guys without children and without marriage experience. Thank you for any recommendations…
Hello! I just saw your similar comment at Singlemommyhood.com, and as a single mom who dated for years in the SF Bay Area… I wish I could give you a five-star recommendation for a local site for single parents. Please check out my reply at Singlemommyhood, and keep us posted.
The road that I have traveled sounds much like yours. While I am no longer a single mommy (engaged to a wonderful man now) reading this was a trip down memory lane of the first dates, the nights alone, the tears, the self discovery, the woman who I have become after all that.
Looking forward to reading more.
I am 7 months pregnant, and don’t think my “baby daddy’ and I are going to work out. One of those things that, as much as I don’t want to admit it, is just not meant to be. And a part of me still wants to fight for it to the death, but I’ve done that in a relationship before, and it only results in more tears and heartache than it is even worth. As hard as I think it will be, I have to believe that this is for the best. Yet, it is so lonely at nighttime, with no one to rub my back, no one to hold me, and no one to really understand how I feel, because none of my friends or family, no matter how much they support me, are in my shoes. But, I know that I have NO CHOICE but to stay positive, if not for myself, but for my baby, who is my reason for living. I know there are those who are in a worse position than I am, but, waking up in the morning to realize that it is not all a horrible dream, still leaves me awfully empty in the morning. I want to write, to get it all out on paper, because I think that is the best therapy for me. And having someone there to read it, and MAYBE even relate to it, would make me feel less alone. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you…
Thanks for writing Krissie! I encourage you to rally support now, before your baby arrives. By that I mean: do you have close friends and/or family who can help out when you have a newborn? How about joining a support group for emotional (and possibly legal) support?
Dr. Leah and I have written extensively about being pregnant and single. Please check out some of our posts here:
http://www.singlemommyhood.com/2009/09/breaking-up-when-youre-pregnant/
http://www.singlemommyhood.com/2010/11/single-parent-support-groups/
Stay in touch. Big hug!
Hi Rachel,
I am planning on buying your book. I have been a single Mom since my son was 2 months old. His father is absent from his life. My son is now 3 years old and I have hit a crossroads of “should I start dating or should I just concentrate only on my son and stay single until he gets older?” If I do decide to start dating again I don’t even know where to start or if I have the energy. It’s scary to me to find babysitters for my son. But, there are times I really want someone there to share my life and my son’s life with. I have hope that there is a man out there who has a heart of gold and will open his heart up to my son and I. I’m not looking for anyone to take care of us, by no means. I think I’ve got that down the past 3 years.
Anyways, I applaud you for being so strong and writing a book to inspire the rest of us “single mommies” out there. I look forward to reading your book!
Tara
Tara: Thank you for buying my book
I started to date again when my child turned three — I was a few years into parenting solo by then, and that’s when I finally felt like I was getting my feet back on the ground, when it came to everything from my career to potty training (um, the latter wasn’t for me). I’d also moved across the country to be closer to my family (and amazing childcare!). Do you have any family close by?
My family lives about 7 hours away from me. I had to move to an area where I could make a better income. My cousin and her husband live close by and they have been there when I have needed them for urgent situations, but it’s not quite the same as having your parents there.
There are many times I have thought about just giving it all up and moving closer to my parents. I know it would help with stress and finding someone to watch my son when I need to just take a small break or to run a simple errand…or to start dating again. Did you find it easier to do all of these things when you moved closer to family? Did you feel that you were “giving up” in a way? That has been one of my concerns.
Hi Tara, I’m a single guy who has no kids but I love kids because of my job its hard for me to meet someone but I have a sister who has kids I treat them like there are my own. Their dad was there but not the way he should — like supporting them, showing them what’s right from wrong.
But I was there and still am. what I’m trying to say is: I know you say you don’t know if you ready to date but if you are starting feel alone may be it is …There are good guys out there… My sister reads this site so I started reading it one night. I now have a lot more respect for single moms. A single mom does 2 jobs and it’s a real honor for me to read about this site. I wish all single moms the most blessed luck in life.
I’m totally overwhelmed I moved 900 miles from my family they wasn’t much help…. I cant find time for friend even other single parents , I look for sitters /nanny but I haven’t been sucessful…
Hello
Im a twenty-one year old single female. For the past 3 years i was in a horrible and abusive relationship. In the chaos I had a miscarriage and was broken. Now that I have turned my life around and became successful I feel I am more than ready to be a mom, however since turning my life around I have become rather independent and don’t want to rely on anyone else. I believe very much that I am capable and prepared to be a single mother. I know by making this choice I will face some difficult situations but I am willing to. I think being a mother is one of the most amazing and rewarding things in life. Just the thought excites me.
I was hoping you could lend me some advice.
-What’s the best way of getting pregnant?
-What’s any advice you would offer about explaining your decision to your family?
-Are there places that I can go to meet other Choice Mothers?
just a few things I’m curious about!
thank you!
Lysha
@Lysha: Bravo on moving on from an abusive relationship. And congrats on planning so far ahead for motherhood. You’re young and have plenty of time!
We have a great place to meet Choice Moms on my site Singlemommyhood: Check out our Choice Moms section HERE. Please stay in touch.
I have been reading out many of your stories and i must say pretty clever stuff. I will definitely bookmark your site.
Love your website. Keep it going! Great tips, ideas, facts…excellent resource! I recently reentered the dating scene after being separated for over a year and started the divorce process. It’s wonderful to find love again… and it helps to connect with other single moms, paddling in the same boat as myself. Many thanks! – Faithful reader
Hi Rachel,
I think your blog is a great initiative. I work with mostly single moms who have difficulty coping and hence child protection becomes involved (I am a social worker and an author). I would like something to warn mothers about inappropriate boyfriends who seek a single mother to get to the kids, sexual predators. If you need any info for your blog you undoubtedly can access that info on line, or you could ask me.
Good luck with your writing,
Johanna
It’s been a bit sad but comforting to read these comments and know we’re not alone in this. I’m 34 today and have a beautiful 14-month-old daughter. Her father and I separated 3 days before our wedding, when I was about a month pregnant. He was a good dad when he visited, but his prior threats to kidnap her made me completely nervous and paranoid, so I was relieved that he left the country when she was 4 months old. When she was 9 months old, I got an e-mail from him letting me know he’d gotten married, and we haven’t heard from him since. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, but what a blessing my little girl is. I pray for a godly, loving daddy for her every day, but in the meantime, I embrace all the pros and cons of having her all to myself!
@Andrea: Thanks so much for writing. I’m sending you big hugs…. And it does get easier.
keep your head up single moms and be proud! Much respect! <3
It looks like I m not alone here. My name is Sonya, Im 29 years old. I m 4 months pregnant. Im going to be a single mom soon. Me and my bf were dating for 6 months, because of him, I move far from my family. We tried to work it out for our relationship. I was very patient to him and tried to understand about him. But In the end, it was not working out, we can’t got alone. When I was 2 months pregnant, he kick me out from his place. I had used my name and credit to rent a BMW for him, he said its for the baby. I was totally trust him, maybe it will change his negative attitude later, I was totally wrong, thing got worst and worst. When we were together, he always yell and give me attitudes, If I didn’t respond, he said I don’t care. I tried to talk to him. He didn’t listen to me and he just keep going his own words. I feel no respect from him. He didn’t really care about my feeling at all. He keep told me that to do a abortion, he said that I force a baby into the world. I feel that whatever I do, he just can’t accept it. I can’t stand him anymore. After I left him and I feel more freedom and release . . I decided to keep the baby, I believe that every baby is a gift from god. I thank god gave me this wonderful gift.
Sometimes, I still feel down and unhappy, I don’t know what to do as a single mom, I have to rise the baby by myself. I don’t ever have a job and how am I going to support the baby. I feel very very sad..Everyday i spray for the sadness, hopefully, it will be sunshine of tomorrow.
@Sonya: I’m glad you’ve come by, and I’m sending you big hugs.
I’ve started a community called Singlemommyhood, and there are many women experiencing what you’re going through. Please read this post about Breaking Up When You’re Pregnant. We look forward to hearing from you.
Hi,
I have been a single mom since i was three months pregnant. My son is going to be three this month. His father is Not any part of his life. I have been dating someone for some time now and my son and him have meet, there are times that he is fine and plays with him and talks about him and even asks for him at times when his isnt around. But then there are other times when my son just gets whiny and will ignor him. Is there any addvise you have for me that can help my son and my boyfriend thew this transishion of gettin to know and use to each other. My boyfriend has No kids and tries to be understanding and help.
Tara: Yes, your decision to move for a better income makes a lot of sense. (I moved from one very urban area to another, but still, starting over is starting over.)
Have you met any single moms? You might put yourself out there — say, at the playground, the park, the gym — and meet other single moms. Choose just one night a week when you cook together at one of your homes — and the kids play (and then eat!). Over time, you’ll find that you have created an amazing, trustworthy “tribe” — with whom you can swap childcare, too. Please stay in touch!