Choosing

by singlemomseeking on July 19, 2011

Thunderpants‘ cousin got married last weekend, in a meadow next to this pond (above). I felt honored to be there. As I stood under the hot sun, listening to them read their own, hand-written vows, I realized how precious it is to see such two sweet, creative human beings who have chosen to be with each other. After all, that’s what being in a committed relationship is, right? You are choosing each other.

In your life, you don’t get to choose your parents or your siblings. You do your best to relate to the family in which you were born. As an adult, however, you get to decide who you want to be in a relationship with. This really hit me as I watched this wedding ceremony.

For most of the my life, my relationship choices have been impulsive. I’ve unconsciously run off with guys whom I now refer to as “behind the counter.” These men were “behind the counter” because they’d never truly let me see them. And they did not challenge me to show up as myself in the relationship, either. Somehow, this all felt so safe, knowing that we’d never really get close, that I wouldn’t get too hurt.

Then, my single mom friend T dared me write down how I wished to show up in a relationship — it was harder than I thought.

You hold my hand without letting go, even when we hit rough patches.

You get along with your family – or try to.

You want to stretch alongside me, physically and emotionally….

Being the chooser — instead of waiting to get chosen — can feel scary. It’s like you’re walking into a room of strangers with your head held high, smiling, confident about what you want in life. Yet, there’s something powerful. When someone is being disrespectful in a relationship, you won’t take it anymore. You have boundaries now, and you voice them. You’re in charge.

So, how are you showing up as a chooser?


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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

T July 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

How am I the chooser?

I actively choose my man every. single. day. That feels very powerful to me. And it’s nice to be chosen too. :)

LOVE this post!
.-= T´s last blog ..Run the Mile You’re In =-.

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WhitewaterAtty July 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

“You hold my hand without letting go, even when we hit rough patches.” –> Great thought and great way to show up…

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Hil Fish July 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Realizing I am worthy of being chosen and then being choosey. Sharing the blame for every good or bad.

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singlemomseeking July 19, 2011 at 3:24 pm

@Hil Fish: You’re so right about that one… Realizing that you’re worthy of being chosen.

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jose July 19, 2011 at 3:29 pm

im pursuing the best me, and learning that perfection is accepting the imperfections within myself and my potential partner…

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C July 19, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I’m choosing by just ending a “toying with dating” relationship with a man I first met 20+ years ago (before my husband). He is not wanting to move closer to his job and to me and to jump into my life so I’ve said goodbye. It’s really hard because we were/are very, very close friends and I know that we could have a fantastic life together, but he has to want it too. So I’m staying away from him. And opened a Match.com account. And am flirting with anyone I meet! Ha ha!

It’s good to choose, though the consequences can be hard to live. Thanks for the encouragement!

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singlemomseeking July 19, 2011 at 7:53 pm

@C: this is huge! Bravo for being so brave. You deserve to be adored. Keep me in touch.

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Momma Sunshine July 19, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I’m in the same spot as T. Every single day I choose CBG. We’re not together because of convenience, we’re together because we choose to be. And that’s a powerful thing.

Also? I choose to see every single day as a gift – a learning opportunity, a chance for me to do just a little bit better than I did the day before….
.-= Momma Sunshine´s last blog ..Haunted =-.

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rachael July 19, 2011 at 8:33 pm

well. i recently told a guy it’d be best if we not talk anymore because i saw too many red flags. it just wasn’t going to work in the end. as hard as it is to walk away from companionship, i knew it was best to walk away and not drag myself through something that would never.ever. be healthy.
.-= rachael´s last blog ..by myself. =-.

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Linda Sherman July 20, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Happy Birthday Rachel!!! Hope Thunderpants is helping to make it fabulous.
.-= Linda Sherman´s last blog ..Sustainability Forums Kauai Launch Party =-.

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singlemomseeking July 20, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Ah, thanks Linda! He and my daughter are making raviolis tonight for dinner, homemade :)

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Naked Girl in a Dress September 28, 2011 at 7:50 am

I actually wrote a blog post with my list. It was the best exercise and has helped me tremendously in dating.
.-= Naked Girl in a Dress´s last blog ..How to Make Good Things Happen =-.

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