Deep into wedding planning, what do you think was one of the most stressful decisions for me? No, it was NOT choosing our caterer or our wedding location. It was deciding what role my child should (or should not) have in our ceremony. In full disclosure, I’ve got some baggage around this: I was 12 years old when my mom got remarried, and I did NOT enjoy being a flower girl, or standing up in church for close to two hours in my stiff burgundy dress.
Fortunately, my own daughter was old enough — and articulate enough! — to let me know what she wanted to do during our ceremony. Her request — to walk down the aisle with me, and to sing after the ceremony in our newly formed family band — was just perfect. After all, when you get remarried as a single parent, the wedding is NOT just about you and your new partner. It’s about a growing family. So, how do you incorporate your kid(s) into your wedding ceremony?
I put this question recently to Swati from The Single Mother Chronicles (pictured above with her daughter). If you haven’t met Swati yet, be sure to check out her site. Big congrats to Swati, who is getting married on New Year’s Eve this year!
Between them, Swati and her fiancé have three daughters: Swati has a nine-year-old and her fiancé is the father of a 16 and 22-year-old. After much back and forth between everyone about their busy schedules — which included finishing pre-med school, a new job, and an ex-husband — they chose their wedding date because it was the one day when all three kids could be there.
When Swati sat down to talk to her daughter about the wedding, her daughter first “confirmed that a boy doesn’t have to carry our rings.”
Then, her daughter went onto say that in addition to carrying flowers and dropping petals before the ceremony, she would like to hold her mom’s hand “during the ceremony, stand up there, and probably be the ring bearer.”
“We are having such a good time talking about it,” Swati says. “I am really trying to enjoy EVERY moment of this process this time around. I am trying not to pressure her, but I want her to know she can do as much as she wants to.”
Most recently, her daughter (aka, the ring bearer and flower girl) also suggested that she might need “a pouch for the rings because she doesn’t want to run out of hands!”
If you’re a single parent who has gotten married (or would like to in the future!), please share your thoughts.
Do you think there’s an ideal role for kids — whose parents are getting married — during a wedding ceremony?
Does it depend on the child’s age?
Or, do you think that children do not belong in a remarriage ceremony?
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
First off, CONGRATS! I’ve not made it back over here to send my well wishes!!!!
When it came to us, it was a marriage of two families…. the kids were part of the VOWS… not only did he have to take me to be his lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, etc… he had to vow to love my kids as his own (and I did the same)….
and we asked the kids… in the end, our daughters stood by me and our boys stood by him…
the ONE thing I wish I had that I didn’t? A cake topper with a bride, groom and 4 kids (and a dog) on it…
.-= Heather {Desperately Seeking Sanity}´s last blog ..Cutting the Budget Shouldn’t Mean Cutting the Education =-.
Rachel:
Thanks so much for including us in your wonderful post today! I am so honored…
Heather – that is a FABULOUS idea and I am going to look into it!
I can’t wait to see what other great ideas people share here –
Swati
.-= Swati´s last blog ..Mommy Gets Schooled Guest Post by Author Maggie Lamond Simone =-.
I love these ideas but, as you say, I do like having the kids be able to speak up. I remember my father asking my brother to stand in a surprise sneak wedding ceremony with his new wife a mere week after divorcing my mom. My brother was pretty devastated. He was 12.
Great subject to think about.
.-= T´s last blog ..Bloggy Rolls and Yoda Wisdom =-.
I love reading about BOTH your adventures in single parenting, ladies. Although I have to say, I’m sooooooo far away from being ready to make the leap into another relationship. Sometimes (like today), I feel so in love with my current life that I can’t imagine ever wanting to “muck it up with a guy.” Yeah, seriously. BUT when I read your blogs, I think MAYBE.
Lots o’ hugs!
Ria
.-= @RiaSharon´s last blog ..How To Know When To Get Relationship Help =-.
I’m so honored to hear from you Ria! Believe me, I never thought it would happen to me, either… It took me a decade to be ready again.
Congratulations to Swati! Best wishes for a WONDERFUL wedding!
When I remarried, my son was 7 and my daughter was 9 (my husband didn’t have kids). We knew right from the beginning that we’d be having a very small, intimate ceremony, but how we could best incorporate the kids was my biggest concern. In the end, we dubbed them “best boy” and “best girl” and the four of us stood up there together to become a new family. My daughter also did a brief bible reading, and really enjoyed all of the praise heaped on her afterward for being so grown up and such a good reader, etc.
The ceremony itself was maybe 15 minutes long, if that. After my husband and I kissed, my son yelled “GROUP HUG!” and it may well have been the first pile-on my pastor had at the altar.
It was (for us) perfect!
.-= Mir´s last blog ..It’s a rough life =-.
@Mir: Thanks so much for chiming in! I’ve always been curious about your blended family. You’re a pro now! And I love how you honored your kids as: “best boy” and “best girl.”
We got married on Saturday…it was really great. But, I asked the kids months ago if they wanted to stand up for us and if yes, where…The Girl on my side and The Boy on his or both on my side or no where at all. They both *wanted* to stand up for us with her walking down the aisle before me (she’s 12 btw) and standing next to me and him (10) standing next to my DH. I would have been perfectly fine if they hadn’t wanted to…it is weird since their own father is very involved in their lives and it’s only been about 3 years since the first signs of separation for us. But they had a great time. And we kept the ceremony short and sweet (maybe that helped too). HA! Oh, and we had the officiant pronounce us Mr. & Mrs. DH & their children before we walked down the aisle.
.-= Soccer Mom´s last blog ..No Whiffing… =-.
When I mentioned to the KoE that my guy and I were talking about getting married, he said, “WAIT! BE RIGHT BACK!” and disappeared into his room. He returned a few minutes later wearing his good trousers and carrying his navy blue blazer. “I’m wearing this!” he announced, and then asked if he could be in the wedding, carry the ring maybe? I told him he’d have to discuss that with [fiance], because it was a guy thing.
My kid is over the moon, although no date has been set. Just got officially engaged last Friday! We’re still discussing how to tell the kids it’s official. I don’t know if his almost 12 year old daughter would like to be involved, but I’d be thrilled if she played an active role. It’s up to her, of course.
Congrats @Solomother!!! That is too cute that KoE has already picked out his outfit. I hope he gets to carry the rings…
You have read my mind! I am also in the middle of planning a wedding, and while my 1-yr-old son C is too young to notice or mind his role in the ceremony I have been thinking a LOT about us ‘becoming a family’ (C has my surname atm, and we are both taking my fiance’s name after the wedding) and about continuing our relationship with C’s biological father (a holiday fling) and his family.
Maybe I should submit a separate question?
Answering the original Q, we will all walk together and after the papers are signed we will be announced as “the New-Surnames”!
.-= Ofthesea´s last blog ..Reason 101 – My son doesn’t miss me =-.
I married my three stepkids — said vows to them, gave them bracelets instead of rings, had a family dance at the beginning of the reception — when I married their dad 7 years ago. We’ve since had two kids together, but I still think of my steps as “our big kids.” Truly blended families may be a myth, but a public commitment to the kids, in sickness and in health, is essential, I think.
.-= Lylah´s last blog ..I love my hair- Sesame Street gets it right but Mattel and Disney arent there yet =-.
@Lylah: I feel so grateful that LG wrote — and read — vows to my daughter during the ceremony. I watched as she listened VERY carefully and really took in his love. I was a mess, in tears… I love what you’ve added to this discussion.
I think your family solution was perfect! I, too, had my kids walk me down the aisle — my daughter as a junior bridesmaid (with her own style/color dress) and my son as the ring bearer. Our ceremony was short and traditional in Christian terms (re: the prayers and reading we used), but we asked the reverend if he would add his own family blessing at the end. It was something so simple to include, but really important and special to us!
Oh, and at the reception we did a family dance in addition to the traditional ones. My kids love the theme song to Hawaii 5-0 and Move It (from Madagascar) so our band leader made a CD dance mix of the two songs. It was pretty comical– lots of flailing arms, surfing moves, funny faces and bad dancing. And that was just me.
.-= Susan´s last blog ..Taking a bow =-.
@Susan: I can really imagine that dance mix. I love it!
Interesting question. It may be in our future, and it may not be, but if we were to go through a ceremony, I would ask The Boy what part he wanted to take. The really interesting part is that my son is 8, and his daughter is 25. I highly doubt she’d want anything to do with it, but who knows?
One of the loveliest weddings I’ve been to was when my friend John married Polly and her son (maybe 9 y.o?). John said separate vows to both of them and the three of them had matching lapel pins made (3 intertwined circles, I believe) which they pinned on each other during the ceremony. Not a dry eye in the room
Swati!! Congratulations! What a sweet interview, and great blog. I kinda wish my husband and I could get married again so we could include my kids!
.-= parenting ad absurdum´s last blog ..Advise with love and caution =-.
Not only do I think that children should attend the wedding, I think there should be vows incorporated to include them and their rights/ place in the family. I’ve seen this done and it is so beautiful!
I don’t think there is an actual “ideal role” for children to play in a wedding but think it is wonderful that you are letting her make part of the decisions. Undoubtedly, it will make the transition easier for all involved.
From the beginning, we knew our whole family would be part of the ceremony. My husband set the tone by asking me to marry him with an engagement ring with eight prongs. I noticed the uniqueness of the setting and he told me he purposely picked a ring with 8 prongs because he wanted a prong for each person in our new family to represent how we all hold each other up.
Our invitations were worded such that we invited our 40 closest family and friends to celebrate and witness the bringing together of our two families.
It was also important that we maintain some individuality for the kids. My oldest told me that she did not want to look like her stepsisters. I took my two girls to jointly pick out a dress and then I took my soon to be stepdaughters out to pick out what they wanted to wear. His girls wore purple, my girls wore blue. The two oldest girls walked down the aisle independently and the two youngest (one mine and one my husbands’) walked down holding hands and scattering petals because that’s what they wanted to do. My two sons walked me down the aisle.
The couple who led the class at church where we first met did our reading and then we did a sand ceremony which I recommend for every blended family. (I know I need to blog about it. Which I will do).
We had a simple ceremony that focused on our marriage and our two families. My husband vowed to love, honor and cherish my four children as his own and I vowed the same for my stepdaughters.
We had a wonderful dinner at an apple orchard and gave each guest a hand made beaded bookmark that the girls all helped make.They were blue or purple just like the girls’ fav colors.
Putting our wedding together was peaceful and enjoyable because we all did it together and our focus was on our marriage and bringing our two families together. Everyone had a say. It was a wonderful day. I hope all of our children will remember it fondly.
xoxo Heather
Thank you@Heather! And, yes, I’m so curious to know about your sand ceremony. Hmmm, maybe I’ll follow up offline with you?
Congratulations Swati!!! How exciting to have a wedding coming up soon. And what a great interview. Love the pictures. Have fun planning your big day!
.-= Wife on the Roller Coaster´s last blog ..Mil Spouse Weekly Roundup 7 =-.
Congratulations, Swati! We are getting remarried during this holiday season together….my wedding is on 12/29!
Like Mir, we are having a very small, intimate wedding and like Rachel my most pressing concern is how best to incorporate my (just now) 6 year old daughter. I couldn’t imagine having a wedding that didn’t involve her. I think when most of us get remarried and form a new, blended family we think of the wedding as being ALL of ours. When the three of us talk about the wedding, my daughter calls it her wedding, too, which is sweet. We even included her name on the invitation, and I asked her what role she wanted to play in it (she wants a new dress, a bouquet and to walk down the aisle).
That being said, I am trying to be careful not to pressure her in any way and although there will be a part of the ceremony that recognizes her (my fiancé is surprising her with a locket and will vow to always be her friend, support her, and be her “Bear”…that’s her name for him) we are both adamant that she should not have to make any vows of her own…after all we are the grown ups that made the decision to marry. I have seen ceremonies where the children have been required to vow to accept the new spouse in some way, and I don’t think that is fair, because clearly the kids are ultimately not responsible for the union, the adults are.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Ride Resurface Repeat =-.
I am SO enjoying hearing about everyone’s experiences and ideas!! I like the idea of our Justice of the Peace saying all the kids names at the end of the ceremony.
Our 22 year-old is going to share a special toast with us, the 16 year-old said it’s not her thing (which is totally fine), and my 9-year-old says she’s feeling too shy to get up and say anything, which I told her was fine too.
Thanks so much everyone – sending a giant hug back!
Swati
.-= Swati´s last blog ..Organize Your Life – Get 3 Months Free at Plumlifecom! =-.
My mom married for the first time when I was 21. My 12 year old stepbrother and I were the only members of the bridal party and we thought it was great. It was a destination wedding in Mexico so I got to pick my own dress and loved it.
My divorce isn’t final yet but I do hope to eventually get married again someday. I also hope to have my now 4 year old son walk me down the aisle when that day comes…I wouldn’t want it any other way.
.-= soontobesinglemom´s last blog ..Stepping Up =-.
I know I’m late to this but we had a sand ceremony, my daughter is very very shy. She enjoyed our ‘blending ceremony’ which was sand, she chose who got what colors and we picked the actual ceremony words together. She did stand up in our wedding, but did not absolutely no way nuh uh no how wanted to dance or say a thing that drew attention to herself. This worked for her and symbolized our joining together as a family not just husband and wife.
.-= Kari´s last blog ..I need to get to this thing more often =-.
This is JUST AWESOME! I was 13 when my mom got remarried. And 14 when my dad got remarried. I don’t remember being consulted about what my role would be in either wedding. Though my sis and I did get to be bridesmaids in my mom’s gig. I remember it being fun, but I also remember feeling a little left out. You are doing such a wonderful job including your daughter, Swati, and letting her make awesome decisions about how she can participate in ways she feels comfortalbe. And BTW, you guys look SUPER cute in that pic. Congratulations!! I am so very very happy for all of you!
When i got re-married for the 2nd time[first hubby died] my two daughters ages 14 and 12,begged me to let them be my ‘little flower girls’ and after talking it over with my fiance,we agreed and they were thrilled!They told me they wanted to be little girls,as they each have friends who were flower girls in weddings and were cute and little girlish.they both told me they wanted to wear cute,poofy dresses with a veil,lace anklets and white mary jane shoes.I told them that would be fine and their dresses would be coordinated with my gown.We got my gown then i got them their poofy dresses and veils with the lace anklets and the mary janes.Every thing went smoothly with the plans and both girls were excited.three weeks before the wedding,my youngest daughter came home one evening from a friends house and had a bag in her hand and called me and her sister into her room and opened the bag and took out a cloth diaper and a pair of white rubber pants and told us her friend was a flower girl in a wedding and wore the diaper and rubber pants under her dress and told her they made her feel cute and little girlish and that she thought her and sis should wear them also under their dresses.the oldest daughter went along with it and i asked them if they were serious and they said yes.the youngest daughter told me she wanted to wear her friends diaper and rubber pants and the oldest told me to make her a diaper and get her the same rubber pants the youngest daughter had,so i made her a cloth diaper and got her the rubber pants.the day of my wedding,i put the diaper and rubber pants on both of them with the rest of their outfits and they looked adorable.they both felt cute and little girlish for the ceremony and were perfect angels.they both loved being little girls for the day!