When you’re dating a guy without kids

by singlemomseeking on June 22, 2010

single man tie

 

For so many years, I would ONLY date men who had kids. Meaning, I would only date single dads. I had my reasons for sticking to this rule. I thought that:

Someone who was already a parent would get me. If you didn’t have kids, how could you possibly understand the ins and outs of raising children?

Only a father would know how to parent because he was already one. I figured that a dad came with real life experience.

As it turns out (surprise!), my assumptions were… wrong. And, as you know, I am now married to a man who did not have any kids. (Update: We now have a baby together!)

So, when I recently heard from a man who’s dating a single mom, I paused because the story sounded similar to mine. She has sole custody of her 9-year-old daughter. They have no contact with the birth father.

“The daughter and I get along great,” he writes. “But sometimes she reminds me that her mom is just fine without me! Well, she’s a kid and doesn’t understand her mom’s need for male companionship.”

In response to her daughter’s fears, this mom has asked her boyfriend to slow down. And he has.

“I want to give the daughter time to accept and trust a new man in their lives. But it can be hard. I’m a single guy, and I get a bit lonely.”

In the meantime, the mom has made it very clear that she cares about him, but she’s afraid. She wants him to be a part of their lives, “but she uses the phrase ‘baby steps’ a lot, which says to me… go slow with us, but don’t leave. And I don’t want to leave, so I guess I’m resigned to giving the relationship more time.”

If you’re a single mom, have you ever dated a man without kids? Did you ever feel afraid and ask him to slow down?

If you’re a single guy (I know that some of you DO read this blog!) who has dated a single mom, does this guy’s experience sound familiar?

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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }

Lisa March 23, 2016 at 10:07 am

I am a 23yr old single mom,dating a 35 yr old guy with no kids. Its almost a year now we have been together and he never showed interest of knowing my child but the last month has been hectic his not sure if he can get through the fact that i have a kid , his not sure that he will make a good father to my kid and he wants to meet my kid now to see if he will “like” him so that if he doesnt we can go our separate ways.

What confuses ne is that he says he loves me and doeant wanna lose me but what kind of love is that if he can not accept me and my child? I believe if he truly loves me he was gonna accept me with my package cz i have accepted him with all his faults.

I want to know if i should carry on with the relationship or should i just keep my distance? Thing is ilove him so much but i also love my baby and can never abandon my child because of a guy.

His also talking of marriage but looks like my baby gets in his way sometime he says could be easy if the father of the baby was not alive,he wants da child to be only influenced by him not anyone else. Ido not know what to do.

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Dan March 9, 2016 at 6:32 am

Iam married to a woman that has 2 grown kids,first off I have never been married and I don’t have any kids.Sometimes it can be complicated for a man who doesnot have kids to understand that the woman will always put her children before their spouse.I love this woman,but if I had to choose.I would choose a woman that doesn’t have kids,but the problem with that is I’m over 40 and trying to find a woman with out kids is like hitting the lotto.My advise to all single people without kids,don’t marry someone who has them,It is hard,to be a parent to someone elses kid.

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Elaina April 13, 2016 at 1:25 am

You can still choose, if its to hard and you not happy leave – your hardship can be contagious

Reply

Emily November 16, 2015 at 4:05 pm

Okay I’m new to this site and blogging if that’s what this is :) but I need some advice and support. I am a 30 yr old single mother of a 7 year old daughter. I divorced her father when she was only 6 months old and he is a very unstable parent. For the last 4 years up until September my ex was a father figure to her. Due to serious domestic violence we broke up in April. He didn’t move out of my new apartment that I got in June until I had him arrested following the last attack. My daughter looked to him like a father but also wanted him gone and had wanted mommy to be with someone else. So to the point — I’m now dating a wonderful 37 yr old male. He has no kids and doesn’t want kids of his own. He doesn’t want to be a parent -he says he understands we are a package deal her and I and he is respectful to her and has set up a room for her in his house. My concern is with her not really having a father should I be worried that this may not turn to a father daughter bond and that he will leave the discipline and rules up to me-ofcourse he said house rules he would enforce but otherwise he would let me handle it. He has also been single for 10 years and he has treated me better then any man has ever. I can see myself married to him and living a happy life and I do see the benefits for Aubrey. I’m just scared and don’t know exactly how to approach it. He has the right not to want to be a parent of his own kids and he has accepted her and it’s been a month. I keep time limited right now but it’s important to see how things are. My daughter likes being at his house also. I’m nervous because I really don’t want to loose him and I don’t want my daughter to get hurt.

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Heather March 27, 2016 at 5:34 pm

Please do not waste your time on this man. He may be a good man, even a great man, but he is not the man for you. Your happiness is important, but so is your daughters. I have been in a relationship with a man for three years that has not bonded with my daughter. He may tolerate her, but my no means does he love her. It is unfair to your daughter to raise her in that environment. I know from experience that I have struggled and felt conflicted with not leaving for her stake. I love my boyfriend and share the same struggles as you, but if you have a chance to run now do so. Find a man that wants children or has children and is accepting of yours. You should have to choose between the two or feel like you have two separate relationships.

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