My own mom and dad split up when I was three, so I know firsthand what it’s like to be raised by divorced parents. So, I always vowed that before I ever exchanged vows with anyone, I would live with him first. That way, we’d really know if our relationship was for real — before getting married.
So, I did the living-together “experiment.” More than once. That’s kind of a crazy way of thinking, isn’t it?
But I’m not alone: About 70 percent of couples are cohabiting before marriage these days, according to research from the University of Denver. Granted, the study doesn’t say how many of these singles were single parents. Because when you add a kid to the mix, the stakes are much higher.
Although I don’t regret living with boyfriends before-marriage… I’m VERY skeptical about doing it again. When I last wrote about moving in together, you chimed in honestly and thoughtfully. Thank you. Many of you made me realize that marriage is very important to me. It’s a realization that has made me very emotional.
Why? Because looking back, I think I lived with “the guy” for other reasons that were not about lifetime partnership: such as cheaper rent and fewer bills, or to test out the waters.
As you can see, this is still on my mind. Big time.
I’d LOVE to hear from both men and women you on this one:
As a single parent, would you consider moving in together without getting married?
Or, is living together a “package” deal with marriage?
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I am divorced and moved in with my boyfriend in October of last year. I am not ready to get re-married yet. In this day and age I think that it IS a good idea to live together before marriage. I have two children and they have adjusted very well to the new living arrangement. My BF helps take them to school and is a big part of their lives. I don’t want to rush in to marriage again (like I did at 24). Living together and really getting to know each other, I think, is only a good thing.
Pippi´s last blog ..Pippi Does Vegas as Candy Cane
Yeah true. They say you don’t really know someone until you live with them. In some case though, it’s not always a good thing. A friend of mine moved in with this guy and the dude was a total nutcase. Luckily, she had other close friends and she moved out within 3 weeks and stay with them. In your case, to tell you the truth, you already sound like you’re living the married life! Just without the papers..lol Good luck to you both.
My boyfriend and I are talking about this stuff right now, and I’ve told him that my boundary is that I will not tell my children that we are “moving in with Mommy’s boyfriend.” I told him that I won’t consider moving in until/unless we are engaged. Why? Because if he’s not prepared to marry me, it’s not worth the risk to the kids. But I would move in before the wedding, because I’m just skeptical enough that I want to have at least a couple months of living together in case and surprised crop up and we realise it’s a mistake for us to marry. That would suck, and I don’t forsee it obviously, but that’s what we are comfortable with. But I maintain: no ring, no move. He better be sure about us before we start taking big risks.
@C: It has taken me some challenging lessons to come to the same conclusion: “if he’s not prepared to marry me, it’s not worth the risk to the kids.”
Might sound harsh, but I agree with you on that one….
I remember when I got married I wanted to live together first and my ex was against it. Personally I think it’s a good thing since the biggest things about marriage are the learning how to live with each other and the day to day hurdles that come up. However I also don’t have my son with me. If I had physical custody I’m not quite sure how I would react. My parents divorced when I was 18 months old and I’ve been through all the move hopping and I don’t know if I would want to put my son through all that.
Mike´s last blog ..:O
Like C said, I’ve always felt like I should be engaged before living with a guy. I think when kids are involved, you need that committment before combining households. But then, I have yet to find myself in a situation where I would have to make that choice. Everyone’s comfort level is different so I guess you just have to go with what works best for you.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Half Full, Half Empty & Shoplifting the Pootie
I also lived with a serious boyfriend, in my early 20s. He wanted to get married, and I was unsure. I’m glad we lived together. I knew after a year that while there was love, I wasn’t ready for marriage.
After that, I chose to not live with someone without marriage (my ex and I got an apartment together shortly before the wedding, though we were both in our 30s).
I don’t think I would choose to live with someone when my kids are little (I know many women who have done it – indeed the stakes are higher. Revolving door syndrome, and in a year of living with someone kids get very attached, and when it ends, it’s not pretty.) Now that my kids are older teens, I’m not sure I’d ever want to marry again, but I would certainly live with someone I loved and where there was a commitment. But when my parenting is done.
I guess the answer to the question is a matter of stage, experience, kids, their age, and how horrible divorce and its aftermath was, ie the willingness to ever be tangled up legally again.
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As a divorced mom with a teen who watches what I do carefully, no way! As I wrote in Playing house is for kids, not for lovers, living together often leads to marriage to people who shouldn’t be married because it’s the next “logical” thing to do.
And to shack up to save $$$? Uh, that’s not love. That’s a financial arrangement.
When The Kid moves out, I may consider living with Sean if that’s what we decide is what we both want. But until then, I’ll enjoy sleepovers at his house and vice versa when The Kid’s with his dad. That’s even more fun than playing house!
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..No, you’re schmoopie!
If it were just my girlfriend and I, I would like to think we would be living together right now. However, she has two boys, I have one, and they have all already been through quite a bit. Being madly in love isn’t enough. What is the impact on the children going to be?
First, having to deal with more people and the changes that brings. Changes in rules, changes in schedules, changes in competing for attention, jealousy and sibling rivalries, fairness issues, favoring issues, dinner issues, and much more. Kids are selfish by nature and right, and they will fight back if they feel threatened. Kids just don’t have the maturity to deal with the new change effectively and they shouldn’t be expected to, it is a learning experience and it takes time, patience, and understanding on both parents parts to get through it. It would be difficult to predict ahead of time how they will all respond. If the parents are not 100% committed to each other for the long term, then it probably isn’t a good idea to move in. 100% committed doesn’t necessarily mean marriage. I think that you have to know that you aren’t going to leave this relationship for any reason before you move in with kids.
Second, for the kids, a breakup would be like going through a divorce again just like for the parents. The building of all of those bonds and the shredding of them is something the kids should not have to go through, and if they do, at least do not more than once.
My views on marriage have changed quite a bit over the years. Debates raging about Federal laws on what marriage is or isn’t, tax issues, gay marriage, this religion, that religion. All of that is external…things for others to see. Your personal decision to love another person and to stick with them is more powerful than any religious ceremony, some paper license, a check box on a tax form that might save you $3000.oo, or saving $700.00 a month in rent. If you have arrived at a conclusion about how you feel about someone internally, then distance, living arrangements, etc don’t matter as much…if they do, then you may want to take a look at it all a little closer. If there is peace about it, then there isn’t a rush and you can take the time to do what is right for you, your partner, and your children.
@CCD: You know that I love to hear from you! Indeed, change causes stress no matter who old you are. And I imagine that more kids in the mix might require more time, patience, and understanding for everyone involved. So glad things are going well for you!
The first time Sam and I moved in together, we did so with a time limit, a happiness deadline…if you will. And let me tell you…the pressures. We were horrible at finding our way. We had a lot of love, but clearly the commitment was an issue. After a blowout, well, I moved out with two kids a cat and a rabbit. Good times.
Now, we’re engaged. we found our way back together. We’re working on planning a wedding and moving back in together. There’s no deadline on our happiness. And as for how long we’re going to work at it…forever.
Nicki´s last blog ..It was the perfect proposal…
Wow, Nicki, I’m off to read your post now….
So glad you liked it.
As for the kids, they are thrilled. They wanted him to stick and he is. They are dying to move home…which is the house Sam and I made a home.
I’m rooting for you and LG, by the way. Seems like you two may be headed the same direction…
I don’t think that marriage is a must, but I also didn’t want to move a man in until I knew it was going to be long-term/permanent (obviously, that is a leap of faith). In the beginning of our relationship, David and I had sleepovers when my son was with his dad. Hanging out together, doing chores, etc. was our way of testing out living together. It worked really well. We are engaged now, but I could easily not be married and be just as happy spending my life with him.
Ewokmama´s last blog ..Parenting changed me at work
It depends on the person’s culture and people’s personal preferences. Considering all the things that go through my mind, I wouldn’t want to move in with the next one. She may want to move in with me, but I’m definitely not moving in with her. then again, I’m not immuned to everything just like everyone else isn’t. so I can say no now, but no is not guaranteed to be maintained when it gets to the point of about moving in.
I’m really young (20 years old) and don’t have a lot of experience with the ‘single mom’ thing… my son is only four months old, and his dad and I have been seperated since the beginning of my pregnancy.
However, I’ve done a lot of thinking on this very subject… his dad has a live-in girlfriend since he was born (they also have a son two months younger than ours, but i my head that doesn’t make the situation any different), and I’ve made the decision that I will not expose my son to living with any of my boyfriends until an engagement at least. I want to live together before the actual marriage, but not until that commitment is set.
I lived with a boyfriend in earlier years and also lived with my ex for a few months before our wedding. However, as a single mom now with a young child, I would not live with a man without being married. I totally agree that not only are the stakes higher, but it sends the wrong message to my daughter. I want her to view marriage as the sacred union that it’s supposed to be, not as an experiment that many couples nowadays partake in without being fully committed to it.
My significant other and I have long-term goals which include marriage, and he and I share the same views on this.
I would not live with a guy before we got married…but that’s just me.
Mommy to the Monsters´s last blog ..formspring.me
Hi –
I can’t do it now that I have my daughter. Her father has been living with someone and I just want to show her something else (I hope I don’t like a ridiculous old fart). My ex and I lived together before our marriage – but for some reason I want to show my daughter that she deserves a kind of commitment that runs deep and, well, is based on love.
Also note that I have been in a serious relationship for a long time – so I have no problem with overnights (you can feel free to laugh at me now).
I would move in together if engaged though.
And yes, I realize that I’ve created a web of multiple, overlapping, convenient rules just for myself. I hope my daughter knows that my intentions were good – ha ha!
Swati
ps I’m heading over to Nicki’s story now too because I am a sucker for romance!
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I know this is quite a bit later than your original post here, but I had to comment. You are not an old fart and I understand your web. I am 32 and single (12 & 10 yr old boys). Their Dad moved in and out several girlfriends early on and I made a promise to them that I would never do the same. They think it’s silly because to them it seems normal to move in everyone you date. My goal is to show them that there is another way, that usually ends up better. My boyfriend doesn’t necessarily agree with me on the subject, but completely respects my rule on the subject. I haven’t been daring enough to try the sleepover thing yet, but maybe someday. I certainly think it would be good for our relationship! I just wanted to let you know that it was very refreshing to see someone else who feels the same.
I just have to say – wish there were more around like Crazy Computer Dad. I think he’s spot on.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Ten (fashionable?) things you don’t know about me…
Great topic!
I lived with my first husband before we got married. We divorced. I lived with my second husband before we got married. We also divorced. My current boyfriend and I do not cohabitate. We discuss marriage but we will not live together before that happens. From my experience, living together doesn’t give any indication as to whether or not a marriage will be successful. Also, I just don’t feel right having a man living with me and my children without the “benefit” of marriage. It’s difficult to explain without sounding like a hypocrite but I don’t want my kids to think that shacking up is okay.
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Jake and I moved in together after we’d been dating for 2 years…though my cats moved in with him 9 months before I did (because we lived in different cities so if I were to hire kitty-care for my diabetic it would’ve been cost-prohibitive to visit him).
We’ve been living together for 2 years now and won’t be married until 2012. Sometimes I’m not sure why he wants to get married (we’re both atheists so the “marriage is sacred” argument doesn’t hold any water), but it’s important to him so I’ll do it.
If we already had, or wanted, kids, then things might be different. But I’m not sure, since if I had a child, I think the most important message I’d want to pass on to him/her is that the vast majority of adults have numerous sexual partners, and commit to varying degrees to each of them (which can include monogamy or living together but don’t have to include either of them) before they make enough mistakes to realize what’s right for them.
I also wouldn’t want them to think that a relationship was wasted or a failure just because it didn’t lead to monogamy/cohabitation/marriage/kids. Sometimes you learn the most about yourself from the relationships that implode the hardest, and I wouldn’t want to hide that fact from children (or make them uncomfortable sharing their failures from me).
Honey´s last blog ..Moving, Meetup, and Other Updates
Sharing their failures WITH me, I should say…
Honey´s last blog ..Moving, Meetup, and Other Updates
I guess I’m at the point where marriage scares me more than living together does (even with my kids and everything) .
And so what if you get married before living together? It isn’t any guarantee of your relationship working out, or of him being “more” committed, or of anything at all, actually. That’s what my experience with my 2 ex-husbands has been, anyway.
And marriage comes with (to me) terrifying legal obligations—his debt, his credit report, his claim on my savings & future earnings, having to hire expensive lawyers to get everything untangled, maybe having to sell our house—-yikes! How is this good for me or my kids?
Living together would be far simpler. If he wants to go and I want him to go—that’s it, finite.
Wouldn’t you know it– my Mr Swayze is a super sweetie and very pro-marriage. Guess we’ll cross that road when we come to it, but it will probably involve a pre-nup. My kids are going to use my savings for college no matter what.
Merging households can be brutal! Especially the more set in our ways we become! At some point though you have to go for it.
I do agree that having a ring on your finger is significant and sends an important message to our daughters. The older our girls get the more important it is for us to set examples we want them to follow.
Would you want your daughter to move in with a significant boyfriend and her child without a ring on her finger? For every parent there is a different answer of what feels right. The conversation and context about what it means to be a family are different for everyone. I think the discussion to have with ourselves, partners and children should be about what it means to be a family and what our house should be like to represent our values.
As children get older cover EVERYTHING from love, commitment, responsibilities, who pays the bills, house rules, friends, religion, “family time”, etc. What does it mean to have a happy house? This is what our children can learn from and it can really ease the transition to all of you living together. Learning to communicate and facilitate everyone’s needs is a huge lesson in communication and building trust.
@Bonnie: I was really hoping you’d chime in here. Thanks. It’s so true that as kids get older, they really get what’s going on… and it’s so important to talk about “EVERYTHING from love, commitment, responsibilities, who pays the bills, house rules, friends, religion….”
Not always easy, but I’m trying to talk about it all….
It’s funny. I am so much more comfortable about having a child with someone than I am about getting married again. I guess that’s because parenthood has been a lot kinder to me than marriage was.
I agree that the stakes are much higher, and very different, when a child is coming along for the ride. I don’t know if I will ever get married again (I have that been-there,done-that,got-the-scar-tissue feeling about it all), but if I ever make the decision to move in with someone, it will be an as-if marriage. I will be as close to certain as I can be that it’s permanent, that it’s good for me and my daughter, and that it isn’t a trial run or an experiment.
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I wouldn’t do it, not with kids. Too much at stake.
Jack´s last blog ..Setting Goals
My late-husband and I lived together for a year before we married.
My current husband moved in with my daughters and I a month after we got ingaged.
I would not live with a man I didn’t intend to marry.
I am so glad you brought this up, as I have been struggling with the same question lately!!
With the economy that was it’s been recently, my boyfriend and I have “hypothetically” discussed cohabitation in an effort to save on rent, utilities, etc. We’ve said before, if it was not for my son, we would already be under the same roof. We know that moving in together should not just be about saving money and want to make sure that when the boxes are moved in, it’s for good. Children of divorce already have enough to deal with. They don’t need to move through a revolving door of homes and living situations.
I feel that moving in before marriage is okay, as long as everyone involved knows it is a permanent change of address.
Single Soccer Mom´s last blog ..Another Awesome Little Team
My ex dated someone for awhile but never really discussed with my daughter that he considered it a serious relationship – at least that is what she says, he says they did talk about it. Then they went away for the weekend, came back and told her they had gotten married. She was blindsided and crushed to have been excluded. I was furious, because this was the first time that his “avoid talking about anything that might be emotional or difficult” modus operandi directly affected her. Of course her difficulties in adjusting were blamed on my “bad attitude.” Fast forward two years. After not very long together, my fiancee moved in with us. Again very difficult for her, but I did things the way I thought they should be – talk ahead of time with her about it, let her know that this was a forever thing, not just playing house, we all agreed on guidelines. My ex tried to make a thing about the fact that we weren’t married. Another year later, all has settled down. I think the bigger issue than marriage is the role of the “step” in the family – respect both ways, how to handle discipline, time commitments to kids vs. relationship, etc.
It’s great to hear about your own experiences @Debbie — and how important it is to be honest with your kids, and give them the space to have their feelings. Thanks.
Dr. Leah and I also wrote another post recently about Is Your Ex Getting Remarried?
I’m not going to move in with someone unless there’s a marriage license. I like the pace of the relationship I have. After knowing each other for over two years, he has finally invite me and my son to join him and his daughter to see the Terra Cotta Warriors together in March. Just another significant sign that our relationship is serious to him. I’m hoping we can ease our children into our time together, and see if we could all survive and thrive if we decided to become a family.
A previous beau asked me to move in with him — and very shortly after we met, too. I said no. It was a very wise decision.
I think living together when you have ‘other peoples’ kids’ is a dangerous idea, and you’re putting your children’s hearts at risk.
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Heh. I seem to be the odd (wo)man out, here. My boyfriend is currently living with my son and me… and we have a baby on the way… and we have no intentions of getting married anytime soon, if ever.
So,marriage before moving in? Not a requirement in my book, obviously. However, the decision to move in together was not one taken lightly (for all of our sakes, but especially for my son’s sake), and I would not have done it if this was anything less than a serious, committed, long-term relationship that I expect (hope) will last forever. It’s just that, for me, marriage is not the only way to be in a serious, committed, long-term relationship.
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I lived together with my ex-husband before marrying and we ended up divorcing anyway so my experience is that living together doesn’t make too much of a difference. I have a 6-year-old daughter and I certainly would not bring another man to live in the house without being married because I think it would give her the wrong message. If the relationship breaks up is going to affect her and I think she already had enough having to live through a divorce. What I’ve decided to do is reviewing my previous marriage, all my previous relationships and find out what I did wrong and how I fell for that person, learn from those mistakes and not repeat it again. So far my relationship with my boyfriend now is so much better and we are happy but I am not rushing into marriage neither I plan to live together without being married.
Hi Rachel,
I moved in with my now-husband before we were married. HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER – I had a ring and a wedding date set. There was NO way I was going to do the almost married thing with a 4 year old son to raise. IT was very important to me that he knew WE LOVED one another enough for that quite of committement. In fact, my boy, now 7 refers to it as OUR wedding – as in the three of us were getting married.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not opposed to cohabitation for other people, nor do I throw my morals around and expect others to live by them. The thing is that children need stability, and they fall in love too. I couldn’t allow my son to meet any man unless I knew that the guy was there 1) for the long haul and 2) he would love my son as his own and 3) my son could love him as a step dad. I had plenty of guy friends, and didn’t need another male role model for my son in that way. He needed – he needs – a MAN who demonstrates all the best there is about mankind and fatherhood. And he has that in his ‘abba.’
Now he also has a baby sister and an extended family of a dozens who all embrace him as 100% their own.
The message: Fabulous, wonderful guys are out there willing to step up to the plate as fathers, regardless of who gave up the sperm. I solute those men every day.
Hmm it’s different for everyone but personally, as a single mom with a young son, I’d want to be engaged before moving in with anyone purely for the stability and commitment to my kid. Having a child changes the game. They aren’t just moving in with you or marrying you, their also moving in with/marrying your children. Simply put- What message are we sending if we move in with a boyfriend/girlfriend ? And this comes from someone who is questioning the whole point of marriage … It still seems to give people a greater sense of commitment to one another ..