That line came from a post written earlier this year by Penelope Trunk, aka Brazen Careerist.
And I get it: I am drawn to write about only the hard things. Sometimes, I wish I had the guts that Penelope has when she blogs– I consider that woman to be one of the most honest, straightforward bloggers out there.
And don’t get me wrong: something in my life has shifted lately. I’m smiling more. I feel that love is possible. I’m allowing, instead of controlling (most of the time). I’m deep in a new project for work — and loving it. I’m making soups from scratch at least once a week. And I’m realizing — perhaps for the first time in my life — what it means to be with a guy who really seems in it for the long haul.
But still: things are not always easy. There’s a deep sadness in me — going back to when I was very little — and when it swells, I’m a mess. Every promise for the future turns into a negative thought. I lash out. I get passive-aggressive. I can’t listen.
I wish that being in a relationship would heal every old wound like magic. But more often than not, it’s putting me face-to-face with some dark, unresolved history. And it’s not pretty.
I’m still working on asking for what I want. I’m paying attention to my triggers. And I’m kick boxing at least two nights a week.
So, what do YOU do when things get hard?
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I know what you mean about that sadness. Mine swells up from time to time, too.
When things get hard I journal. I run. I remember to be grateful for the blessings that I do have. I try to get lots of sleep. I wrap myself up in my girls’ love. It’s hard taking care of ourselves when things feel like this, I know. But it’s SO worth the effort.
*hugs*
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Priorities and Patience
You sound a lot like me. Even when things are going so incredible, there are still things that trigger a sadness and desire for that sadness to eventually go away. And I have always told myself that finding someone to love me would take it all away.. but NOW I’m trying to untrain myself to thinking that way.
When I hit low points I focus on goals I have, and my hobbies. Lately I’ve hit a low point, and I decided to focus on a hobby I haven’t done in years: Modeling. It has been a great distraction.
Jenni´s last blog ..
Call my therapist to schedule a session:)
When things are hard, I write. Always have. Always helps.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Body language: Are you a toucher?
Ah, yes, @BigLittleWolf, you know I do the same… and darn, what’s with all my typos lately? Writing too late at night, it seems, and hitting “publish” too fast. Just corrected another!
Our society does not do a good job of letting women be sad. We are supposed to grin it and bare it, get over it, move on, and the like. Little girls are trained to be just that—good little girls. Not one that gets angry, stamp her feet, hit a classmate when hurt, call people names and the like. So, when women get sad, they feel like something is wrong. What’s wrong—is that women are NOT allowed to get sad (remember that nursery rhyme: Girls are sugar and spice and everything nice—-it’s deeply ingrained in our society)…so, when I’m sad, I let myself be sad. I’ll say to myself: I’m really sad right now, but I know in due time I’ll fee better. Dammit, let women be sad. A healthy woman will be allowed to feel all feelings–move from one to another without being told she’s wrong for feeling sad.
Love this @Avigail, thanks for: “Dammit, let women be sad.”
I sit at my computer before dawn…or well after midnight. Sometimes with a glass of wine or cognac, or just plain ice water.
I blog my heart. I tell my pain, sadness, joys, happiness. Then I pray and get on with living.
I do know that whatever malaise/blues/funk I am swimming in at the moment won’t go on forever. If it does then I know I gotta go reserve someone’s professional couch for some head-cleaning.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..MY WEARY BLUES…
I run…i’m training for my first half-marathon with the boyfriend. I have been known to cry while I run.
Wow, Wanda, that’s beautiful: being able to cry when you run. How great to have your guy by your site. Half-marathon? Woo eee!
I run too. Running lets me free my mind of whatever weight has settled.
Pippi´s last blog ..Not Me!
@Pippi and @WandaMD: Oh, yes, running! I guess that’s why kick boxing helps me: that high-energy cardio. Good one.
Great topic … especially since I’m feeling blue right now. I usually write in my journal and continue living until the feeling passes. It’s hard to be sad when there are people around you who expect you to be “on” all the time.
Michele´s last blog ..Smokey Bones
I have no idea what I do. I guess I think, and think and then think again. It causes some real problems.
Danielle´s last blog ..Ca Ching!
I write. And I allow myself to feel the emotions I’m feeling, and ask why later. And I pamper myself a bit.
Chocolate. When I can’t do that I curl into a little ball and cry until it goes away. When I can’t do that I surf the web looking for people in the same boat.
Jen´s last blog ..Day 1 Without Carbohydrates, Let the Wagers Begin
“I wish that being in a relationship would heal every old wound like magic. But more often than not, it’s putting me face-to-face with some dark, unresolved history. And it’s not pretty.”
Wow, other people feel like that too? Being a single parent is a lot of work and it can get overwhelming and having a loving girlfriend certainly doesn’t take all of that away. If you think being sad as a woman is hard, try feeling sad as a man. We’re supposed to suck it up over a scotch and get angry instead. I guess when things get hard I just try to laugh it off with my dark sense of humor. I have a statue of Sisyphus on my desk at work and this image on my computer: http://www.despair.com/challenges.html. Other than that I just keep going.
@SDMktg: You know I love it when you chime in… thank you for this: “If you think being sad as a woman is hard, try feeling sad as a man.”
Sigh. I’m passive aggressive and grumpy too. (like right now as I wait for agents to write back to me!).
I try to say positive things to myself because I do believe you can make yourself spiral. My mom and I did some Raj Yoga Meditation – it intrigued me because you mediate with your eyes open (the idea being that anybody can relax when you are in a quiet room with a candle, but whose life is like that). Anyway, there’s quite a lot in there about how to let certain thoughts go and how to focus on better things. These classes are free – here is the link to my post: http://tinyurl.com/ylymyjs It really did help me.
And sometimes, I don’t fight it; I eat chocolate and watch TV. There’s a lot to be said for that too.
Be well,
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..The Relationship (A short story)
Rachel, on the one hand, there’s a lot to be said for feeling one’s own feelings and not running away from them, no matter how uncomfortable. Because as we all know, life does not just serve up great experiences daily and we do have reactions to what we perceive is happening to us.
On the other hand, if the feelings are old, or the same over and over, there is absolutely no value in continuing to experience them. They have nothing to teach, nothing to contribute. It’s just an old wound being triggered yet again.
That’s when for me and for my clients, I pull out all the stops to heal those old wounds and to stop those feelings, those thoughts, those reactions from happening again. Some of the old wounds may never be completely healed, but they can be significantly reduces, quieted, softened, so that they are barely felt.
EFT is amazing for this. I have been able to take my clients and myself further in the last year in terms of joy, peace and emotional resiliency than I ever thought possible by using EFT.
I pray and write…or listen to music
Mommy to the Monsters´s last blog ..Closing the Doors
Exercise
Cry.
Write.
Hang with girlfriends.
Be alone.
Cook.
Sing.
Listen to music.
Read.
Allow myself to experience the sadness.
We’re always experiencing some level or another of “hard,” although, granted, some hard is harder than others. And sometimes there’s more of it all at one time.
But, a lot of dealing with “hard” is how we look at it, the story we choose to tell about it. Not to say that we should act as if all is OK when it’s not (nor always look for the silver lining in it; screw that!) But when something is “hard,” it’s usually something we are at our weakest to deal with it — our koan, as it were.
That’s when we often prove to ourselves that we have the right stuff to deal. (and a reminder to ourselves that this is what real life look and feels like!)
And, I love reading Penelope’s writing, too. It’s honest and raw and it makes me think; that’s always a good thing. Same like reading your writing
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..The end of the world as we know it
I also have an underlying sad note to my personality, one that seems more severe than most people, and when it comes up…well, I used to try and ignore it to make it go away. I also think that was one reason why I sought out men who were crisis lovers and “party animals”—because they are so good at being distracting.
Nowadays, I try to give myself time to stop and “listen” to the sadness. I give myself permission to not do anything productive, to just focus on my feelings. I listen to music, or lie still and stare into space for an entire evening or even a whole weekend if I have the opportunity. Sometimes I write in a journal to try to express what’s bothering me, but mostly it’s too incoherent to write down. I’ve found that if I give myself a little space to feel it, I can then more easily snap back into my active and engaged life, and I can do and even enjoy very much how busy it is and all of the expectations.
This “sad” time alone is definitely one of the casualties of being in a successful relationship! I feel like it’s too private and too ridiculous of a need to share with a lover, and also perhaps kind of selfish since my life is really busy overall. When I was married, I basically didn’t get any time to do this. I haven’t figured out how to deal with needing this time while also satisfying the time that a relationship needs…Since things are getting more serious with Mr Swayze, I guess I’ll have to figure that out soon.
@MC: Can I just say again that I love the fact that you call your guy “Mr Swayze”?
I play a lot of sports and video games. That always gets me through the tough times.
Lance´s last blog ..7 Kickass Sex Blogs You Should Be Reading