Allowing

by singlemomseeking on February 10, 2010

If there’s one blogger I read every day — without fail — it’s T from The Quest for T. She continues to inspire me in the most intuitive way. Just this evening, for instance, I wrote the title to my post first: “Allowing.”

Then I sat and re-read some notes I’d taken after reading one of T’s recent posts, Conscious Connection:

Controlling = fear
Allowing = faith

Does that resonate with you, too?

In deep thought, I hopped over to her post today, which I had not yet read. Wow. Her latest post is about “allowing in a relationship.” Coincidence? Maybe not.

Specifically, T writes about how many women “allow” men to be the provider (a.k.a. the “hunter”). She explains: “I love allowing a man to be the man, however, at what point does a man allow a woman to help too?”

That Lucky Guy and I struggle with this sometimes, too. We’ve both been single for a long time. He’s used to being in the driver’s seat, so am I. Yeah, controlling does signify fear, doesn’t it! (No thank you backseat drivers!) We’re working on this, and I love the fact that we seem to have found this sweet give-and-take in the kitchen when we cook together.

Of course, we’re not always in the kitchen together, and every once in a while, my triggers go off. I’m learning how to pay attention to my fears. My defense mechanism is to shut down. And what happens? All that allowing simply comes to a halt. And it’s awful.

So, lately, whenever I start to get scared, I slow down. Instead of shutting off, I sit with these unpleasant feelings — which sometimes seem unbearable — and continue to allow love to come in. Maybe it really is faith: in myself, and in us.

It might seem insignificant, but something remarkable is happening.

If you’re working on allowing, I’d love to hear about it. If there’s anything that you’re struggling to allow… bring it on!


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February 10, 2010 at 12:44 pm

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Nicki February 10, 2010 at 5:16 am

Okay, I am the WORST person to be your first comment. I couldn’t even allow him to buy me lunch yesterday. Yup. I am that much in control. I am that determined to be self-sufficient and independent. And afterwards, all I could think was…damn it…he just wanted to buy you lunch. Why could you just let the man buy you lunch?

Needless to say…I have a long way to go. On the bright side…he seems willing to give me the time to work through it. Yay!
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..It’s a good look for me… =-.

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Single Mom Seeking February 10, 2010 at 8:40 pm

Oh sweet Nicki! I feel you!

You seem incredibly conscious of your actions, and I hope you can really enjoy your next meal together… you’re more than worth it!
.-= Single Mom Seeking´s last blog ..Allowing =-.

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Pippi February 10, 2010 at 6:47 am

I am allowing myself not to find problems where none exist. In my marriage, I was so accustomed…programmed, to my ex ‘s reaction about certain things that I automatically find myself thinking my BF will act the same way. Not so. The other night he said, “Stop looking for problems when there aren’t any.” Good advice from a man that loves me and wants me to be my authentic self.
.-= Pippi´s last blog .."Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy…" =-.

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Single Mom Seeking February 10, 2010 at 8:41 pm

@Pippi: I hear you, too! I’m the worst at comparing the past to the present… and creating anxiety about imagined problems to-be. Oy. LG has reminded me, “But I’m not that guy!”
.-= Single Mom Seeking´s last blog ..Allowing =-.

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Kat Wilder February 10, 2010 at 7:38 am

The fact that you’re aware of your immediate reaction, shutting down, is a huge first step, so, uh, allow yourself that.

Sitting with it is good; asking yourself (as a good friend would), “why are you feeling this way?” is even better. You’ll likely see that your reaction has to do with something that happened a long time ago, and you’re on Emotional Autopilot.

Even pilots need guidance and copilots …
.-= Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Settling for Mr. Good Enough isn’t enough =-.

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T February 10, 2010 at 7:51 am

My sweet friend…

Thank you so much for your continued support and inspiration. Yes, you inspire me too!

I’m still working on allowing myself to be loved, allowing myself to be weak, allowing myself to be me. Faith is what’s brought me this far. I have to remember to trust that it will continue to show me that happiness comes with that allowing. I have to remember to breathe through the discomfort, instead of shutting down. It also takes the right guy bringing patience and unwavering support to the relationship.

Love you.
.-= T´s last blog ..The Plan =-.

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Yvonne Bynoe February 10, 2010 at 8:24 am

I found your blog this week and want to say that I totally love it. Allowing…it’s a process. Frankly it’s a new way of thinking. I’m a reforming control-freak. The ability to sit back and let things happen doesn’t come naturally to me. What I do see is that my ability to trust, not only others but also that I will be ok (not killed, maimed or emotionally devastated) is key. If most of life is not that critical then it’s not nec. to always take the reigns.
.-= Yvonne Bynoe´s last blog ..Are You Willing to Pay for Your Freedom? =-.

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Travis February 10, 2010 at 9:26 am

This is one problem, that I have to battle with. I have been programmed to expect a certain reaction to anything I do… and that reaction wasn’t ever really good. No matter how hard I try, a fleeting thought will cross my mind of what I would expect a reaction to me would be.

With a new relationship building we talk about this all the time, and we promised that if we ever felt anything that each of us did triggered an insecurity, that we would bring it up instantly and talk about it. And some nights, those insecurities bring out tears and sadness and we just want to hold each other. Sometimes she will bring up an insecurity out of the blue, just so she can her me respond to it. I asked her once, “did you just ask that so that I could prove to you again, how awesome we are?” and of course, her answer was, “Yes.”

Well then… just keep asking then, `cause I will always do that.
.-= Travis´s last blog ..When I Fall Down You Put Me Back Together =-.

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Michele February 10, 2010 at 9:30 am

This one has always been an issue but I am slowly getting better. I had to laugh at Nicki’s above comment because I went through the same thing yesterday. I bring my lunch to work everyday. He calls and says he’d like to take me to lunch. I put up a fuss (in my head) because that meant that I had to go out in the cold and what about the great lunch I brought? blah blah blah. We went to lunch together and it worked out fine.

For some reason, I always felt (and still sometimes feel) that him wanting to do things for me is his way of trying to control me. If he wants to change the windshield wipers on my car, it’s because he’s trying to prove that I need him or something. Instead of him just being concerned for my safety.

Crazy, I know.

I’m slowly learning to allow him to do more and to be a bigger part of my life. It only took six years!
.-= Michele´s last blog ..The Cellars =-.

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Jack February 10, 2010 at 10:27 am

Sometimes fear can be a good thing. The hard part is trying to identify when it is and is not.

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Danielle February 10, 2010 at 10:32 am

T is very inspiring. Allowing in a relationship is hard, allowing yourself is harder. That is what I am struggling with right now.
Fingers crossed for all of us making the effort!

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Amira February 10, 2010 at 10:49 am

Allowing…yes. Allowing ourselves to trust ourselves and to trust others. For some of us, that takes a lot of time and a lot of having it proved that trust can be placed in the “arms” of those trying to secure it.

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lovebabz February 10, 2010 at 10:59 am

I was supposed to pop over here today and get God’s meesage through your post today. I am standing in my defining moment for love right now. Contemplating surrending to the “allowing” My Beloved is a man’s Man. He is very serious about that…and I, like you, have grown accustomed to be ing the driver’s seat. You are giving much to discern and act on. I am always asking the question: Who and I and What Do I Want?
Thank you for the post.
.-= lovebabz´s last blog ..MY DEFINING MOMENT FOR LOVE =-.

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Jolene February 10, 2010 at 11:50 am

Love this post – and though I can only relate from being on the single side (and not yet in a relationship, post divorce), I totally relate with what you say about being “in the driver’s seat” and needing to adjust to some give and take with a relationship and getting accustomed to each other’s styles/routines etc. I think that’s something that will be a big transition for me, but one I’ll look forward to embracing, at the same time :)
.-= Jolene´s last blog ..Coping with imperfection and letting go… =-.

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Love Coach Rinatta February 10, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Rachel, I love this part of what you said:
“whenever I start to get scared, I slow down. Instead of shutting off, I sit with these unpleasant feelings — which sometimes seem unbearable — and continue to allow love to come in.”

That’s good approach for any area of life! And it is often very hard to do, for me included.

On the other hand, many women in our generation have a very hard letting men just be men. We are programmed to be equal, to share the burden, to be independent. But relationships are a dance.

You know, when you watch ballroom dancing, is the woman any less spectacular because she’s not leading, any less powerful because she lets the man lead, any less in control of herself?

Allowing him to lead, to take care of can be amazing for both partners.
.-= Love Coach Rinatta´s last blog ..Win Free Valentines Flowers Contest =-.

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Bonnie February 11, 2010 at 7:00 am

Oh goodness Rachel and T! Yes, we ladies have been programmed to run the show after being in situations where we constantly rise up to organize, take care of our families, pay the bills, develop our careers, and run happy homes it is really hard to let go! We constantly have this issue in our home and I’m remarried! I didn’t even make it through an entire weekend of “letting go” recently. I have been consciously trying to learn to trust that things can get done with someone else in charge and that their way of doing it will be just fine-to let go of the details. That all of what I have worked for will not go out the window and down the drain!

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Vanna February 11, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Yeah,
Knowing the difference between pity and grief from a partner and allowing my new girlfriend time to adjust to my disability. I’ve had a lifetime to acquire and learn the skils I practice today, but she hasn’t been with me my whole life. If my disability was acquired, I’d say adjust myself, but it is not. It is form birth. also, relaxing my self-sufficient attitude and let her help me. I realize I cannot do everything on my own, but most things, I can.

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Vanna February 12, 2010 at 8:51 pm

that was just a sample of what I’ve been reflecting on. I don’t have any desire to allow myself to have a new girlfriend yet.

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