Why love is possible

by singlemomseeking on January 14, 2010

So, LG recently called me and started out with this:

“I just wanted to call you because I’m feeling emotional.”

Me: “Is everything okay?”

Him: “Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just sitting here at my computer, looking at all the photos I’ve taken this year. I’m blown away by how much we’ve done together, how much fun we’ve had, and how happy we are–”

Sometimes, I can’t believe it, either.

I really believe in an us, perhaps for the first time in my life. February will mark one year since we met. Don’t get me wrong: it’s not all sweet cotton candy around here. I’m not a piece of cake, and we definitely have our share of challenges.

But if you’re new on the dating scene as a single parent, I want to tell you this: Love is possible. Really.

Take that from a woman who was never very good at this pairing-off thing. Pre-child, I’d ignored red flags and often confused lust with love. When I think back to those first years of dating as a single mom, I’ll never forget how hopeless I felt sometimes.

For starters, I didn’t know even know how to meet men. Sure, I saw single guys in the grocery aisles, but I was always more focused on picking up organic almond butter. But if single parenthood does anything for your dating life, it’s this: you get stronger and smarter every day.

Because all those little things I used to overlook? (Like the men who smoked, or the ones who said they were recently “separated”?). Enough.

If you’re a single parent who has never commented here, please come out of your lurking. I’d love to hear from you.

And if you’re a single parent who’s dating again — or thinking about it — I want to hear from you, too.

~~~

And the winner of The Fashionista contest, chosen by Random.org? Congrats to Avigail!

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{ 57 comments… read them below or add one }

steph January 16, 2010 at 12:31 pm

I do believe love is possible. The last few years since my divorce I spent time on me and the kids. I am very grateful I did and feel more open to the possibilities. I realize I deserve to be with a good man and that it is much better to not have someone than to just have anyone.

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robyn colon January 17, 2010 at 6:27 pm

I am newly single and trying to move on with two young children while my ex shacks up with his girlfriend and goes through his “midlife crisis”.

I’m still trying to figure out who would love a body with stretchmarks, cellulite and old baggage written all over. I need to boost my self esteem don’t ya think?

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singlemomseeking January 17, 2010 at 6:46 pm

@Robyn, guys have told me that while working through your past DOES matter — to lighten your luggage before you enter a new relationship — the stretch marks and aging marks? They don’t really matter! After all, most men are just worried that you’re going to overlook them when you see their wrinkles and belly….

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Holly B. January 17, 2010 at 8:03 pm

I’m a single mother of a 1 year old and I have huge trust issues. I’m not sure how to overcome my past and move on. I feel like I judge every guy I see and think that they are all out to get me…. and then I end up ruining something that could have been good for me.

How do I let go of the past? How do I not take out the past on my new relationships?

Help…. feeling hopeless.

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Erin January 17, 2010 at 10:05 pm

I am feeling hopeless, too. The losers love me, and the GOOD ones bolt after the first date. I’m funny, charming, nice, pretty…. but I have three kids. This sends them running instantly.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..An excerpt… =-.

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Lisa January 18, 2010 at 9:00 pm

I am a hardworking, single parent of one, who is trying to create a great relationship but wonders if the balancing act is just too much work. I would like to see more of my potential BF but not sure how to go about it. We have gone out on about 12 dates over the past four months-mostly without my daughter-but there have been some including her. I just don’t know how to move forward, what to ask him or how. He says he is patient and understands but I am the one that seems to be lacking in those areas. I have invited him over to my house but he has never accepted -we always get together at his house, is this unusual?

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Mauri January 21, 2010 at 7:25 pm

You asked for the single parents who hadn’t commented to come out of hiding. Here I am…. a 22-yr-old single mom of a two-year-old. Haven’t dated at all in 2 years. I’m probably not ready yet anyway. I just read your “Single Mom Seeking” book and found your blog. I don’t really know any other single moms so it’s been such an amazing encouragement to me. This is probably a pretty general comment but I thought I would come out of the shadows. Thank you, thank you for all your stories.

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singlemomseeking January 21, 2010 at 10:10 pm

@Mauri: thanks for coming out of hiding! Feel free to come back anytime, ok?

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Mica February 6, 2010 at 2:23 pm

I have been divorced two years, a year ago reconnected with a boyfriend from my 20′s great guy be has no desire to go out anywhere, all we do is have dinners at home and have sex, the sex is SPECTACULAR but I feel like things are never going to evolve into anything else, it’s like I put up with more from him than I did from my ex-husband. The sad thing is I try to get out of this situation but then I get right back into it. It’s like I am afraid of going out there and meeting someone new that might actually like me and my daughter. He is GREAT to my daughter respectful, we both have agreed that he does not touch me in any manner in front of her (she’s 4) sex only when she’s not here, and he does not enter any rooms while shes here just the kitchen, living room and bathroom. Maybe he just doesn’t know what he wants with me or maybe he does and it’s not me? I have no idea, but it’s scary!

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Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach March 1, 2010 at 9:32 am

I am thrilled to see this post. And I agree whole-heartedly – Love is possible! After divorce, after 40 or 50 or 60, after you get started by opening your heart, mind and eyes to the great prospects who do exist. Good men are out there! Thanks for being the positive evidence that finding love in mid-life. I myself found love at 41 and married at 43.

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Solomother March 1, 2010 at 8:25 pm

Well, I’m not going to get all evangelical on your behinds here, ladies, but know that it’s possible… even probable… if you take some steps in new and healthy directions.

1. Love yourself. Get happy in your skin. Know that you are worthy and valuable.
2. Know what you want. Know what qualities are a must-have and where there’s a little wiggle room.
3. Listen to your inner voice. If you find yourself making excuses for him, if you find you’re saying, ‘yes, but’ rather often, sit down and really examine the relationship. Are you trying to cram yourself into a situation that doesn’t fit?
4. Look for true kindness. It’s not about vacations or fancy dinners. It’s about being there. It’s about trusting someone completely, finding someone who will cherish you, someone who knows your worth and is thrilled to be by your side. Find someone who cares deeply about you. And return that promise. Hold it sacred.
5. Take him as he is. Don’t try to ‘change’ him. He won’t. And you don’t need a ‘fixer upper’. If you have to start major renovations on your relationship, chances are, you should just move, instead.
.-= Solomother´s last blog ..Bad kid or bad sugar? =-.

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Tinamarie Bernard March 2, 2010 at 4:11 am

Oh, love is indeed possible dating after 40 and with a child! I’m living proof of it. But beyond that, the truth is that there are many wonderful men out there who understand that this is the reality today. Solomother’s comment above says it beautifully and succintly, so I wont’ repeat it. Remember: children aren’t baggage. They are part of you and your amazing journey. Any man who doesn’t see your children as an integral, vibrant addition to his life isn’t worth taking along for the ride.

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b-girl March 26, 2010 at 11:01 pm

Wow.
I happened to stumble upon this site. I am hardly able to believe what I’m reading. This is comforting to me. There are more of “us” than just me.

I am a single mother of a two-year-old daughter. These past 6 months have been the hardest so far, I’ve been lonely and after a series of bad dates, decided to stop looking and try to turn my focus back to myself and my little girl.

I have given up. I recognize that. I want to regain my hope that I will find someone and that my daughter WILL have a family.

I’m thankful you all are here and are posting.

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singlemomseeking March 27, 2010 at 3:08 pm

@b-girl: Thanks so much for your comment! Yes, please stay hopeful. And come and check out more posts at http://www.singlemommyhood.com. See you there, I hope.

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singlemomseeking April 5, 2010 at 10:26 pm

Thank you so much b-girl! Stay in touch, ok?

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Bobbi Palmer - Dating Coach for Grownup Women April 7, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Love this! Believing it can happen, and believing that you’re worthy are the two fundamental things that will lead you to your mate (or him to you). I married for the first time at 47. (Took me a long time to figure this stuff out too.) It wasn’t until I truly believed that I met the man of my dreams. The fact that you used to make bad choices is so common; and what holds a lot of us back from getting out there and dating. But you’re proof that we can mature, be smarter, learn new things, and find meaningful love. Kudos, and thanks so much for sharing it and passing on your feeling of hope.
.-= Bobbi Palmer – Dating Coach for Grownup Women ´s last blog ..The Key to Finding Love is Believing That You Deserve It =-.

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