I’m an impatient person by nature. Does it have to do with being the oldest sibling? No matter, it is not a quality I’m proud of.
If being in a relationship is teaching me anything, it’s patience — along with being more understanding, empathetic, open-minded…. Fortunately, that’s spilling into other parts of my life, too.
Like my relationship with my mother.
For the past two years, she and I have hardly spoken — ever since my book came out. I’ve apologized verbally for how I hurt her. It was not my intention. If I could go back and do it over again, I would not have written these hurtful things.
For months now, I’ve been working on a letter of apology — a real letter, sent in the mail. Along the way, women like T — who published an “Open Letter to my Ex-Husband” — have inspired me to get it right.
There have been other inspirations, too, like this posting at PostSecret.com. I’ve looked closely at this daughter’s anonymous words. I’ve re-read them over and over.
So, I sent my letter to my mother a few weeks ago — and now I’m waiting for a response.
I said that I truly feel sorry. I do. I want to have a better relationship with her. I want to move on and to heal old wounds. Perhaps most importantly, I want my daughter to experience love between her mother and grandmother — instead of what she has seen so far.
And now? I’m still waiting. And this vulnerability is making a huge hole in my insides. I’m doing my best to envision kindness, family, and love. And I’m waiting.
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Rachel, I’m sorry that you are having this struggle in your life. Family is so important, especially for our only children of single parents. I seriously applaud your efforts to make amends. I hope your mother comes around. And quickly – I know how agonizing the waiting can be…
This is one of my biggest worries. Is that I will write something that will attack someone, without me really knowing it. I write about sensitive things on my site and by doing so, I will end up exposing painful things in my past… which inevitably will point to behaviors of others.
I need to make sure that as I write that I focus on how I’m dealing with it, and not stab outward towards other people.
I did this once, as I was really hurt (And I don’t get hurt much) and it came back and bit me. I’ve always been pretty good at keeping how I’m dealing with things and how others have acted separated. But I failed big that time. And then quietly made the article disappear.
The best we can do after making a mistake is to apologize, ask for forgiveness, and make sure we don’t repeat it with a focus on a changed heart.
Good luck with moving forward.
Travis´s last blog ..You’ve Been Stretched To The Limits
Relationships of any kind are complicated and challenging and messy. Any time you factor in emotions, that’s bound to happen. My own relationship with my mother is a complex continually evolving entity.
I wish you the best. Fingers crossed for you! Big hugs!
Nicki´s last blog ..A little fluff…
Rachel, remember that you are ok even without her response. You are ok, you are loved. Send her love when you think about her straight from your heart and try to let the waiting go.
You know that saying “a watched pot never boils”? Waiting is like that. Send love and focus on other things in your life, which I know you already do.
Love Coach Rinatta´s last blog ..Relationship Patterns: how the past still runs you
@Love Coach Rinatta: thanks for the kind wisdom. And for reminding me to send love… oh, yeah, that’s a good one.
Rachel, I hope your mom comes around and accepts the letter and reaches out to you. Calls you and you girls have a heart to heart talk and let it be the “past”! Life is short and she’s missing out on years with you and M. For you as a daughter… for M. too…so she can have her grandma in her life and share the bond of a grandma. But remember, if you don’t hear from your mom, you did reach out to her and tried to make a mends. A mother/daughter relationship should be “unconditional” and she should accept you regardless of what you wrote or not. Wishing you the best of luck! I miss my mama every day!
Rachel I know this has been an ongoing struggle for you and I think it was courageous and big of you to write to her. Hopefully she will feel your sincerity and begin the healing process between you two. She should realize that Mae could really benefit from having a relationship with her grandmother. But if not, at least you know in your heart that you tried. Still, I’m a firm believer that time heals all wounds. Hugs…
I think that is fantastic honey! I’m so proud of you!!!
I wrote a letter like that to my dad, WAY before he was diagnosed with cancer and died. It was something that I needed to process… words that I needed to say. And you know what? I never mailed it. I wrote it for me to look at and let go.
It dramatically changed our relationship. Thankfully, we were able to move past those differences and find forgiveness before he died. Even if we didn’t, I am glad I was able to see things clearer.
Giant hugs to you. And yes, I agree with Rinatta. Continue to send love. You never know how its helping her, even if she doesn’t respond.
T´s last blog ..Learning to shine my light
I wrote a similar letter to my dad when I was in college and instead of seeing it as reaching out he took it as an attack and blasted me in a 6 page response. I will never do that again.
Several years ago at Christmas I told him I love him just so I wouldn’t regret never having said it. Now that I’m a single dad making the exact opposite choices he made I’ve had to accept that we will never understand each other. Our relationship is small talk only now. Sometimes the letters work and sometimes they don’t. At least I know my kids will never have to write those letters to me.
My God, it’s so easy to hurt those we love! This is the hardest part of family, feeling the pains of what we wish our parents did for us and didn’t, and finding compassion and forgiveness for them anyway. And hoping they feel the same way about us.
It’s certainly what I would want my kid to give me (and SDMktg, don’t be so sure your kids won’t have to write letters to you!). Now that I’m a parent, I realize how easy it is to mess up — even when I meant well! — and how my kid will feel that I failed him nonetheless, even when I did what I had to do (knowing, or at least hoping, he’ll understand one day).
You did the right thing in reaching out, Rachel, and no matter how your mom responds — if she responds at all. You made the first step toward healing. That’s what matters.
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..The Madonna/whore, Marilyn/Jackie O dilemma
Kat, I know I probably should have said “I Hope” instead of “I know”. My point was really more about knowing I’ve done everything I can to be a good parent as opposed to others in my life that made other choices. That, and having a very open relationship with both of my kids where they talk to me about stuff. I hope I can keep at least part of that alive when they become teenagers. It’s certainly easy to mess up but at least at this age there’s still time to make up for it.
That’s a tough one. I also published a book which didn’t really shine a positive light on my Mom. I let her read it before it was published though and she gave me a thumbs up.
Give her some more time.
Michele´s last blog ..Whitner’s Barbecue
I’m so curious @Michele: what’s your book about?
I am so sorry for this. My mother and I actually had to go to counciling. It worked for the most part but I still struggle with the damage of my childhood.
I hope she responds to you!
I am crossing my finger for you!
Danielle´s last blog ..*Notice* Wine and hair color don’t mix and cost me too much money!
Waiting is tough, I know.
One important thing that I have learned since splitting with my ex is that I can not control other people’s actions, reactions, or choices in life. The only thing that I can control is me. You have reached out to your mom, offering peace — what she does with that is up to her now. I know that’s a hard thing to cope with sometimes, but for me, realizing this has brought me a lot of peace. I have been able to let go of many things this way.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Reality Bites
It was interesting to read this, considering the timing of things in my life that have to do with similar letters…
I finally decided, after mulling over it for months and years, to write letters to each of my parents–one to my mom and one to my dad, each describing how I feel and where I’m at re: my relationship with them. I haven’t started yet–that’s the hard part. Or maybe it will be the sending it part. Or the waiting for the response part. Perhaps it’s all of it, which is just one reason why I keep putting it off.
But I intend to write my own book and I know that I have to decide if I want to tell my parents what I plan to write about them ahead of time, or omit that part altogether, or keep it under a pseudonym and not tell them, yet I’m sure that they would find out through one of my sisters and then be hurt that I didn’t tell them.
So, you can see why this particular post struck a chord with me. Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope you hear from your mom soon. Waiting is the hardest part, from one oldest sibling to another.
@Amira: Yes, writing was tough, too, and I encourage you to ask a close friend (or more than one?) to read over your letters and offer feedback. Please keep me in touch about your letters!
Your post really hits home with me; my mother and I talk all the time (maybe too much for the sake of my sanity) but always hanging over us is that I sided with my dad when my parents were considering splitting up. They eventually decided to stay together; they function pretty symbiotically and the whole episode was a huge shock. It wasn’t that I wanted my dad to take my mother to the cleaners, but I have never been able to condone how she enables my addict brother, and understood that my dad was fed up with the situation and wanted to legally protect himself. Part of me was hoping against hope that the threat to her marriage would change her behavior, and she would cut her tendency to enable. And trust me, if there was a sport called “Extreme Enabling,” she would dominate the medal count.
Conflict with her isn’t just about what’s going on today, or even from this episode last year, or five years ago, it has a way of slicing back through time to open old wounds and old anger. It’s easy to set off a bomb when I’m tiptoeing through the minefield. On top of that, my mom is pretty much the only person from her side of the family who lives in the United States. I just have to keep hanging in there and work on my own life, because no matter how much I wish the situation was different, it is what it is.