Is there room to dance?

by singlemomseeking on January 26, 2010

When I first started to date again as a single mom, I first flirted with men who were “behind the counter.”

Yes, literally.  For starters, there was that guy who sold me chicken at the grocery store. He was on one side of the counter, and I was on the other. Go ahead and laugh, but his distance felt safe. Something about that counter created a wall, and there was room to step away.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

There comes a point when you wonder what it means: to meet someone when there’s NO counter between you two? Trust me, I know how scary this is. But only here do you have the space to step forward, only here can you hold each other and truly feel vulnerable.

When there’s room to dance together, you have potential. When you meet each other in the middle — with the possibility of reaching out — you might meet love.


Don’t get me wrong: most of you who come to this blog are single parents. When your kids are watching from the sidelines, it can be challenging to get close and have boundaries at the same time.

But let’s imagine that you’re on the dance floor — and your kids are with a reliable sitter! How are you going to take a risk? How will you step forward? How will you say “yes”?

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Cali Harris February 5, 2010 at 8:51 pm

So glad I found you via your RT of Gwen Bell’s #ff list (ha – gotta love the social web, huh?). I really like the premise of your site, and you and your daughter are both gorgeous! 🙂

I’m a dancer, and so I picked this particular post by the name (couldn’t help myself). I can take your analogy and apply it to my dating life, too. Stepping forward; saying yes <– I need to do this more often. 🙂

Nice to make your acquaintance!
.-= Cali Harris´s last blog ..Drafting Failure: Lessons in Business Planning =-.


steph January 27, 2010 at 9:29 pm

So fitting. I ended a casual “friend” relationship because it was not going where I wanted it to. I am ready to step out. There is a man I met that I want to take a calculated risk with and see where things goes and he wants the same. My first step. Scared, but going to take things slow and he is fully understanding of that.


Swati Bharteey January 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm

Maybe it was my lack of understanding all of my emotions post-divorce, but I couldn’t seem to figure out I had picked yet another “behind the counter guy” until after the relationship ended. it was so frustrating – thinking you were “ready” only to find you certainly were not!
For me, it was time (about 5.5 years) before I was really ready…and it’s worth celebrating.
.-= Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage written by married couple, Drs. Lawrence Birnbach and Beverly Hyman (Book Review) =-.


singlemomseeking January 29, 2010 at 2:47 pm

@Swati, indeed, like @T just reminded me… I guess the counter was there for a reason. Yes?


Cat January 27, 2010 at 8:01 pm

I’m in the process of learning all of this- getting my confidence back, figuring out what and who I want. MindyMom hit the nail on the head- I want a guy that deserves me, not just a guy that wants me.
.-= Cat´s last blog ..Online Dating =-.


Erin January 27, 2010 at 4:44 pm

I love this!!! I am planning on taking your advice this week. 🙂
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Because everyone needs a Greg. =-.


Jack January 27, 2010 at 2:45 pm

I have been hired out by a few friends to start that conversation. It is not really matchmaker, but man who can become “instapartner” if it becomes uncomfortable
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The Greatest Blog Post Never Written =-.


Terry January 27, 2010 at 10:11 am

Thanks for this, Rachel. I’ve shared it with my readers, and I know it will help many of them.
.-= Terry´s last blog ..A Flirting Tip For Women Who Feel Too Vulnerable to Flirt =-.


Katherine SOLO dot MOM January 26, 2010 at 9:01 pm

Yes that counter was there for a reason T… and it does take a while to step out from behind it.

Some of us even step too soon… and learn after a few failures… it is better to learn more about who YOU are first.

Thanks for sharing this Rachel
.-= Katherine SOLO dot MOM´s last blog ..No, Everything is not going to be ok =-.


T January 26, 2010 at 8:40 pm

I think before you take that risk, you have to have a better idea who YOU are. (of course you probably knew I’d say that. )

The counter was there for a reason.

.-= T´s last blog ..Feeling Ornery =-.


Anna January 26, 2010 at 5:57 pm

If I had to choose a resolution this year, it was to take more risks relationship-wise. Not risks as in dating psychos… just making myself more emotionally available. I am now “dating” a guy who lives 4 states away, and has been a friend for years (I put dating in quotes, because we considered our last phone convo of 3 hours a “date”). We both decided on NYE to just go for it and see what happens. I know the heartbreak that is possible, but life is just so much sweeter right now that if that were to happen, I think it’d be worth it.


MindyMom/Single Mom Says... January 26, 2010 at 1:52 pm

I’m gonna go with Nicki on this. I decided after my most recent break up that I need to start picking my men instead of falling for the ones who pursue me and eventually win me over with their charm. LOOK OUT FOR THE CHARMING ONES, ladies! I’m thinking I’ll have better luck when I do the picking instead of being someone else’s “target”.
.-= MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..I won’t be your Doormat but that doesn’t mean I’m a Bitch =-.


singlemomseeking January 29, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Yeah, @MindyMom, here’s to being The Chooser!


Kat January 26, 2010 at 10:10 am

I took that chance a little over a year ago and got burned again. 🙁 Right now I’m working hard on school, work, D and me. Maybe I’ll be ready to get back out there but not just yet. I understand what you mean about the “behind the counter” guys. You want to test the waters without jumping in.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..a little bragging about work and life =-.


Carolyn January 26, 2010 at 10:08 am

Your opening paragraph made me giggle. In the first few months after my separation I had a ‘beer store boyfriend’. Literally, the guy who worked at a beer store near my house. I think this is the first time I’ve confessed it.
.-= Carolyn´s last blog ..Spoiling The Child =-.


singlemomseeking January 29, 2010 at 2:45 pm

@Carolyn: “A beer store boyfriend.” Ha. Love it.

C’mon now, @Ms. V….


Ms. V January 26, 2010 at 9:16 am

I guess I’ll just watch from the sidelines. It’s only been 3 years. 🙂


Nicki January 26, 2010 at 5:45 am

I literally JUST did this. I shared my number with a man and it has paid off in spades. It was a brave move, bold move, a totally uncharacteristic move. Yet with big risks come big rewards.

We’re dating now. And he has proven himself to be more than worth that risk. He wants to know me. He asks questions all the time. We have great conversations. He is brilliant when it comes to keeping touch and letting me know that he’s thinking about me.

And do you know what he asked me Sunday night?

Do you dance?

How perfect is that? (Kind of fits right in with needing a partner…) So, we’re enjoying getting to know each other better. Thus far, good fit.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..It was the perfect weekend… =-.


singlemomseeking January 29, 2010 at 2:44 pm

@Nicki: how incredibly sweet. I love it!! Do keep in touch and have fun on Sunday!!


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