Remind yourself that everything will work out

by singlemomseeking on December 3, 2009

Fear is rearing her little head again. How ridiculous, it seems, because everything seems so absolutely right.

You made some spicy pasta sauce — along with caprese salad with fresh mozzarella — for dinner last night. Today, the veggie box you share arrived and now your head is spinning with tomorrow’s menu. You even like the way that he chews.

There’s romance, deep dish pizza, holding hands, and some talk about living together someday.

He has helped your kid with her math homework. More than once. She closed her binder with a smile last night and said, “Thank you.”

He didn’t even get mad when you IMed him recently about hacking into his Netflix queue. Well, that’s not exactly the whole story. He’d left his movie account open on your computer screen, and his movie account is much bigger than yours. (He gets four films at once!) So, you confessed to him that you’d added a whole season of Mad Men to his queue.

“Wow, this is really crossing deep into couple-hood!” he teased you.

Everywhere you turn, you see promise. So, where the heck does that doubt come from? The lights in this relationship are on bright, your eyes are wide open. So, why do you feel scared sometimes?

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December 4, 2009 at 11:14 am

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Nicki December 3, 2009 at 5:09 am

You’re afraid to want this with him because if it doesn’t work out (as we all have experienced) then you have no defenses left. You can’t comfort yourself with a shrug and sigh, ‘Eh, no big deal.’ This relationship with him matters. And the deeper you get, the closer you let him get, the scarier it becomes because to allow yourself to get comfortable means opening yourself to so much hurt if it ends. You’re walking the tight rope, girl. Don’t worry, hold your head high. He’s standing on the platform on the other side. And if you don’t make it, you have a huge safety net. We will all love you and support you no matter what.

Wishing you the best. Let go of the white knuckle grip. Enjoy the journey. Don’t hold back.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..My new favorite… =-.

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singlemomseeking December 3, 2009 at 9:20 pm

So true @Nicki: “the deeper you get, the closer you let him get, the scarier it becomes because to allow yourself to get comfortable means opening yourself to so much hurt if it ends.”

I’m staying here, however, even when it’s uncomfortable.

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Michele December 3, 2009 at 6:42 am

Great question! I wish I had the answer. I often ask myself: Why are you afraid to be vulnerable? Why are you afraid to love without fear? Logically, I know that I cannot avoid hurt and disappointment. It happens. You’d think that since I’m armed with this knowledge I would move forward fearlessly and enjoy everything that this love has to offer and stop ruining it with fear of the unknown.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..Bean There Cafe =-.

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Dr.Leah www.singlemommyhood.com December 3, 2009 at 7:14 am

This is a great question.

Perhaps, the vulnerability many of us fear is the simply the natural outcome of the life experiences that have shaped us. Would any of us want to go back to the 100% trusting/totally vulnerable state that at one time characterized us all?
.-= Dr.Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog ..How to survive a dry spell =-.

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SDMktg December 3, 2009 at 4:24 pm

“Would any of us want to go back to the 100% trusting/totally vulnerable state that at one time characterized us all?”

I want that feeling back and I hate my ex for taking from me.

I’m right there standing at the wall trying to figure out how to get around, over, or under it. Even through it. So many questions, so few answers. I can see the next few months and even the next few years pretty clearly but beyond that my head starts to spin, I get a headache, and my chest tightens up. Let me know if you come up with something.
.-= SDMktg´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving Tailgaters! =-.

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singlemomseeking December 3, 2009 at 9:21 pm

@SDMktg: thanks for keeping it so honest, and for showing me that it’s not just women who feel vulnerable. There’s something to be said for staying in the present, yeah?

Swati Bharteey December 5, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Yes, I want that completely trusting feeling back! I’ts blissful to be in love and feel completely secure. Unfortunately, when I did that, it did not end well. And that’s probably why I can’t totally relax.

I am in love now …but sometimes doubt creeps in and I just sort of tighten up, waiting for something to happen…but my boyfriend comes through every time. Every time. That’s what I keep reminding myself.

I guess you need to protect youself somewhat from the world. But I look forward to the day when I will stop checking to make sure I’m not being gullible about something and just trust that a) this is real; and/or b) my expert gut will tell me if something is up…so I needn’t worry about it all the time.

I need a hot chocolate now.

- Swati
.-= Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..When Your Kids Question Who You Date =-.

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singlemomseeking December 5, 2009 at 6:12 pm

Wow, @Swati, you hit it on the head for me, thanks: “I am in love now …but sometimes doubt creeps in and I just sort of tighten up, waiting for something to happen…but my boyfriend comes through every time. Every time. That’s what I keep reminding myself.”

Here’s to hot cocoa….

Danielle December 3, 2009 at 9:14 am

Good question. I wish I knew.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Rant, Rave and Thank my Lucky Stars =-.

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QTMama December 3, 2009 at 9:54 am

You know what love is, Toots? It’s giving someone the power to destroy you.

And trusting that they won’t.

Hugs,

QT
.-= QTMama´s last blog ..This, That and The Other =-.

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Katherine SOLO dot MOM December 3, 2009 at 11:13 am

If you are anything like me… because I am dealing with this one at the present myself….you don’t want to give up your total – “I have it all together in one finally wrapped neat little package and doing ok as a single” life perspective. Maybe not. But I know I have started counseling to work through some of the issues that come to mind with the possibility of becoming an official twosome in the future. I don’t like the idea of giving up control – complete control of my single mom life – now that I have everything (in my mind) down to a science. From the finances, spending and budgets to the how I discipline my kids and decorate my house kind of control.

If you come up with a solution of dealing with all these things… keep me posted!
.-= Katherine SOLO dot MOM´s last blog ..A Long Weekend to Remember =-.

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Love Coach Rinatta December 3, 2009 at 11:52 am

Rachel, well you knew I was going to chime in on this, right?

Fear in a relationship is good and natural and necessary. It keeps your eyes wide open and keeps you conscious, preventing you from taking the relationship and it’s safety for granted.

It’s ok to feel resistance and anxiety as you two move forward. It’s a signal to go slowly enough to grantee safety. It’s also a reminder and an opportunity to heal old hurts, the work you need to do outside the relationship.

Sounds like you are right where you need to be.
.-= Love Coach Rinatta´s last blog ..Relationship Patterns: how the past still runs you =-.

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singlemomseeking December 3, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Yes, I was hoping you’d chime in Love Coach. And you’ve said exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks.

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Maggie December 3, 2009 at 11:52 am

Wo, I can’t tell you how often I have that feeling – when is the other shoe going to drop. I think it’s because we are realists. It is so easy to go from trying to be realistic to being a cynic. I was just blogging about that very thing! Hang in there!

.-= Maggie´s last blog ..Up, Up and Away!! =-.

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MC December 3, 2009 at 12:54 pm

Oh, I know exactly how you feel!! We’ve been burned once, twice, multiple (in fact, almost darn all) times before–that’s where it comes from I think. I often feel like I can’t trust my own judgment anymore, like I must have an inborn huge blind spot to have “fallen for” all those Mr Wrongs in the past. So I overdo the caution. But of course with my past, it’s easy to overlook the fact there are nevertheless good guys out there, including guys that are perfect for me.

I caught myself last week looking and looking and looking for flaws in my BF and our relationship of 6 months. It made me realize that my personal “red flag list” has gotten a little out of hand. While I believe that you do have to keep your eyes open, I probably don’t really need a 3 page long list of automatic “if he does this, kick him to the curb” instructions to keep myself out of trouble! Because sometimes a “maybe” red flag isn’t one, really–it all depends on the guy and on basically whether you can trust him or not, whether he’s honest or not, it depends on whether it’s’ consistent with his whole person.

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Bonnie December 3, 2009 at 1:03 pm

It is totally natural to feel scared because your feelings are very real! Yeah! “Being in the moment” means also being in the moment with negative and positive emotions. Just don’t let the negative or nervous emotions take you on a cross country drive without your man :) I’m sure he has some nerves too. I have a really good childless guy friend dating one of my single mama friends and he seems so cool and at ease with them. then the other night he comes over for a beer and tells Guns how scared he is to wreck their family (meaning mom and daughter) or mess up her kid emotionally if they ever broke up!
I think being very thoughful about our actions and words means we value a relationship enough to work on it! So I know when I feel nervous or scared about something between Guns and I it means it matters to me and I need to tell him that it does. He usually ends up telling me he was feeling very similar emotions to mine.
Plus, you have had a lot of emotional upheaval lately so no wonder you are feeling a bit anxious these day :( Hopefully, you’ll have a great holiday season and get to relax a bit together! Sometimes I just need hangtime with Guns to settle my insecurities again!

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singlemomseeking December 3, 2009 at 9:25 pm

So true @Bonnie, when I tell LG how I’m feeling a bit scared sometimes, he usually says, “I feel scared sometimes, too.”

Me: “You do?”

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Honey December 3, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Fear is what makes you not take the other person for granted. Every relationship I’ve heard of where one person was not at all afraid that the relationship would end…that person ended up treating their SO like crap and got dumped after all.
.-= Honey´s last blog ..I’ve Had Weird Dating Experiences Lately. But I Think I Have a Girlfriend. =-.

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Coachdad December 3, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Great post…just broke a rule by writing about my relatively new relationship. I don’t have that answer, however, I am at the point that I am all-in. What’s the worst thing that can happen? I get dumped and suffer another broken heart? Been there, done that. Willing to risk that possibly happening in the hopes that some day I will actually find the “One.”
.-= Coachdad´s last blog ..Here is my rock =-.

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aaron shaw phd December 3, 2009 at 8:47 pm

Fear always rears it’s ugly head!

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StudentMama December 4, 2009 at 10:43 am

It is interesting reading the responses here. I’ve always looked at fear as negative…my inability to “settle in” and my difficulty giving away power. All these wonderful comments make me realize that it isn’t all or nothing, and perhaps the fear is our natural response to wade into the waters of trust and comfort verses doing a cannonball as I always seem to do!

= )
.-= StudentMama´s last blog ..Part 3: The Downfall =-.

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Anna December 4, 2009 at 2:19 pm

The same reason some of us cry when we are happy — fear that it will go away.

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Jodie at Mummy Mayhem December 5, 2009 at 3:58 am

I think whatever happens, you have to listen to your inner voice. You know the one that niggles at you and tells you when you should or shouldn’t do something? Call it your gut instinct, your spiritual tug or the holy spirt (depending on your beliefs). It’s always right. You just have to listen.

This concern that lingers could be a warning, but if you really listen to that inner voice of yours, you might find it’s telling you that you’re worrying unnecessarily, and the concerns you have are unfounded. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter.

Good luck.
.-= Jodie at Mummy Mayhem´s last blog ..Looking for Love…Part III =-.

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BigLittleWolf December 5, 2009 at 12:35 pm

It is a great post and a great question. Fear goes hand-in-hand with vulnerability, and disappointing experiences. When your child’s happiness may also be at risk, the fear is more expansive. And he’s probably feeling some of the same emotions, which seems like a good sign.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Painting over =-.

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singlemomseeking December 5, 2009 at 6:13 pm

True @BigLittleWolf, he does seem to feel scared sometimes, too — I guess I’m just much more expressive about it.

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T December 7, 2009 at 2:22 pm

Whew! I’m so glad its not just ME who gets this way.

Giant hugs, my sweet Rachel. Love to you and yours!
.-= T´s last blog ..$1000 win, 7:38 a.m., & 48 lbs. later… =-.

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Andrea December 9, 2009 at 8:45 am

I’m late on this one, but I thought I’d chime in with something a bit different.

Back in my wiccan days I learned a kind of trancework that basically involves walking towards your fear. That’s really overly simplified but this is just a comment box … so …. Anyway. After a few years of doing that one day I had a revelation that this wasn’t something I should do just in trances, but in life in general–that fear is often a signal of a lesson that needs to be learned or something that needs to be mastered, and the best way to do that is to walk straight into it.

It doesn’t make the fear go away at all, but it does make it a bit easier to tolerate. And it makes my life much richer too, because it’s true that often what I am most terrified of is what I most need to learn or do.

That fear may be your best signal that this is exactly what you need to be doing right now.

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