His Facebook status. Again.

by singlemomseeking on December 21, 2009

Looking back on 2009, can you guess what my most-commented post is? It’s the one in which I wrote about the first fight I had with my boyfriend —  yes, THAT one about his Facebook status.

Clearly, this resonated with many of you. And as you pointed out, the real issue here isn’t really Facebook. It’s about trust.

I wish I could say that I never think about about his Facebook status anymore, that it never bothers me. (For the record, he doesn’t believe in listing his status at all, and prefers to keep it private.) But sometimes, it still irks me and my head spins with all kinds of fears. (To the tune of: Does he really love me?) I’m learning to give myself a little slack, since I grew up in a family that kept secrets, and I went on to choose men who deceived me.

Sadly, as an adult, I often doubt love. I seem to question commitment. That’s why — with every intention to enter the New Year with love and clarity — I picked up the phone and called Love Coach Rinatta.

Although we’ve emailed many times — and I always appreciate her comments on my blog — this is the first time we’ve talked. I was hoping that she’d help me wrap my head around this. And she did:

“You clearly have trust issues because of your past,” Love Coach Rinatta told me. “And thanks to the Internet, it’s a lot easier to cheat. So people do have to stay conscious and aware.”

That said, however, she added that “the way to do relationships is to stay very grounded and realistic.”

In order to help me to this, she pointed out that it’s important to separate my beliefs from what’s real.

I live online and express my feelings very openly here on this blog. I’m the kind of woman who wants to declare her love from every mountaintop.

The boyfriend, on the other hand, is very private. He turns to the Internet to read the news and email, but he doesn’t share anything personal online. In fact, he’s the guy who tells his friends to “log off and log into life.”

Love Coach Rinatta helped me see that his decision to keep his relationship status private is NOT about me “because anything that’s close to his heart is not on Facebook.”

“It’s a nice balance,” she added. You’re into very social media — and he’s isn’t.”

Love Coach Rinatta also asked me about his behavior in real life:

Does he regularly ask me to spend time with his family and friends? (Yes).

Does he openly express his love to me in real life? (Yes).

“Don’t look at social media behavior to decide what’s right,” she said. “Look at how he treats you. Look at whether there’s full disclosure in real life — and accept that he doesn’t post anything personal on Facebook.”

When I wrote about this last spring, all of you helped me wrap my head around this. Thanks so much.

My fears haven’t exactly vanished, so if you’d like to chime in some more, I’ll all ears.

~~~

In the meantime, I’m going to take get some time and space to reflect as we enter the New Year. I’ll see you in 2010!

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