Asking for what you want

by singlemomseeking on December 31, 2009

Imagine that you were the kind of woman who mostly waited for the man to call the shots in a relationship. Yeah, that was me.

You just assumed that he would disappoint you. And surprise? He did.

But your readers could see right through you, and they gave it to you straight when you felt sorry for yourself:

How do you want to be treated in your next relationship?” one remarried single mom asked me on this blog in early 2009. “What do you deserve?”

So, you sit down and write a list about The Man You Hoped to Love. You revise it again and again, and after weeks, you came up with a basic start:

“A man who will help me carry my heavy baggage — I’ll help him carry his.

A man who gets my dry sense of humor.

A man who holds my hand, not just physically….”

It’s kind of simple really, just writing down what you imagine love looking like: how it feels and what it looks like. Imagine what a typical Sunday afternoon might look like. Let your imagination go in the morning and before you fall asleep. Write down more details. Fill in the gaps.

In the meantime, when you’re feeling lonely or sad, hold yourself. Turn to friends. Know that you are loved.

So, why am I telling you all of this? Because it is a New Year, and there’s hope. Know this.

If you‘re open to sharing what YOU deserve (because you do!). I’d love to hear it.

If you want to write it down privately, just let me know that you did. Okay?


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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

ms. not mrs. December 31, 2009 at 3:21 am

i deserve to be accepted. i deserve to feel like i’m okay just as i am. i deserve to feel an eternity of love oozing from his pores as he touches, kisses, caresses me (hope that wasn’t too graphic). in 2010, i deserve to be LOVED!!!!!
.-= ms. not mrs.´s last blog ..A Question to the Mrs. =-.

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Eyeglasses December 31, 2009 at 6:35 am

YOU deserve to be loved and accepted. Don’t let the man bring you down. And stop looking at facebook to spy on people. Statuses mean nothing.

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T December 31, 2009 at 7:40 am

Love this Rachel. I think that list served both of us well, don’t you?

:)

Happy New Year sweet friend! Love you!
.-= T´s last blog ..How to turn a husband into your enemy =-.

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Bonnie December 31, 2009 at 1:15 pm

I deserve to be rid of this cold Guns passed on to me that I have had for a week so we can ring in the new year properly :) I deserve to savor having survived the first year or so now of merging our families into one fun, chaotic mess :) I deserve a weekend trip away with ONLY my overworked husband to celebrate our new life :) I deserve the peace and quiet of the house with just the dog, kitten and three goldfish right now since all three of our girls are at their grandparents and Guns is at work . I deserve all the love I have in my heart and life because i worked hard to bring it into my soul. YEAH! HAPPY NEW YEAR! I’m so happy you brought true love into both yours and M’s lives!

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Vanna December 31, 2009 at 2:16 pm

On the surface, the girl has to be in college herself, or at least doing something with her life because I cannot afford to be messing around with anything less. But on the flipside, before I can begin to articulate what I deserve and want. I have to find solutions to the things that are making it difficult for me to get myself in to a relationship with a new girl.

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Vanna December 31, 2009 at 2:24 pm

I almost had one this year. the problem was I didn’t like her back and was held back by something from my past. there were complicated matters on her part.

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MC January 1, 2010 at 7:59 am

Rachel, this is such a great question! And it made me think: I had a “list” of course, but it was all stuff about what *he* should be like–have a job, be reasonably educated, liberal, etc. Your question made me think–I’ve never even thought about what I would want from a guy in the everyday sense.

I want a man who thinks I’m interesting, who wants to know me totally. I want to be cherished. And yeah, (for a change!), I’d like a man who has the ability and desire to take care of me and be the strong one every once in a while. I want to be with a man who values our relationship enough to put it first. I want to be with a man who I respect as well as love. Courage and kindness, that’s what I’m looking for.

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singlemomseeking January 2, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Love this @MC! Especially your line: “I want to be with a man who values our relationship enough to put it first.”

For years, I also keep an ongoing list of attributes I considered appealing, like a man who is well-educated and liberal. But it was my friend The Quest for T who got me to think deeper. She asked me: How do YOU deserve to be treated every day? (And see what her list has done for her, too…)

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Heather January 1, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Rachel, I love this idea. Writing it down and putting it out there for the world to receive is wonderful. I am going to put a bit more thought into this before I post. I did write out a few goals for the new year yesterday. Once of them was about having a healthy, loving, happy relationship. I think I need to expand on my goal. When I have it I will post.

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singlemomseeking January 2, 2010 at 2:44 pm

@Heather, please send me a link to your post when it’s up, okay? I’d love to read it!

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lovebabz January 2, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Happy New Year!
Early 2008 I created a Love List…100 things I wanted in a Lover/Soul Mate/Partner. What I learned form blogging that list was that it became more about who I wanted to be and less about what someone else could bring. What do I deserve? To be kind to myself, to love my self, to respect myself, to be my best cheerleader and supporter. To be loving and gentle to myself. When you are all those things FIRST then you will attract that which you are…
.-= lovebabz´s last blog ..I AM BACK: HAPPY NEW YEAR =-.

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Pete January 2, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Happy New Year Rachel…! I remember what you said and you were right. I’ve been going through the roughest breakup, divorce, everything just came crashing down, …slowly After being with a woman with some sort of serious bi-polar disorder, who screamed at me every day and ripped me apart, actually scratched the skin off my arms and baxhed my head so man y times… like an abused dog, shell shocked, barely alive, PTSD every day, I’ve learned some really rough heart wrenching tough lessons, literally my heart felt ripped out of my body every time she started arguing about millions of thinmgs and made me want to blast my brain s out! , all day, every day, can you imagine feeling like that every day? Love can cause such PAIN..!!!…Why? and many years have gone down the drain, and we’ve accomplished nothing. still alive though, not much left of me, . When I thought i couldn’t take this life anymore, something amazing happened, an illusion kept me alive…and that’s why I’m still here searching thirsting in the desert for love and happiness…it’s been a long rough road, going in a downward spiral , so many years….I think though that things are finally getting better…no more being battered by a hot tempered temper tantrum woman.
your friend, surviving the war, Best wishes to you Rachel,
Pete

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Jack January 2, 2010 at 3:04 pm

A bunch of my friends are in transition, be it divorce or trial separation. The best advice I was able to offer them was to figure out what makes you happy and what you want.

If you don’t know the answers to those questions it is hard to be fulfilled.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..Is It Fact or Fiction =-.

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Crystal Monae January 2, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Love. True. Genuine. Uncomplicated love. It’s just that simple for me.

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BigLittleWolf January 3, 2010 at 11:12 am

Smart and funny are non-negotiables. They are amazing traits, and can come in any form. Beyond that? Wide open, except I need a person of character and integrity.

And I have learned not to judge a book by its cover, and take time.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..A rumpled suit, Jon Hamm, Brigitte Bardot, a book by its cover =-.

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LB January 3, 2010 at 11:33 am

This is a great idea, I was married for ten years and was very unhappy. I had lost who I was because of the controlling nature. I also dated someone that ended in domestic violence, so I need to take a step back a look at what it is I truly want out of a relationship.

LB
.-= LB´s last blog ..How do you know who to marry…kids perspectives =-.

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Nicki January 4, 2010 at 8:50 am

Yeah. I have really been evaluating what I want. (And only partially because Sam is back! Yay!) I know what I want. I know what I deserve. I know I can survive without him. I know I don’t want to. And good news! He feels the same way.

We’re redesigning our relationship. It’ll be bigger and better and stronger and so very real. I’m so excited.

Thanks for the encouragement.
.-= Nicki´s last blog ..Alert the press… =-.

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Swati Bharteey January 4, 2010 at 12:51 pm

I did such a list right after my divorce. Some items on my list were: an equal partnership, mutual respect, forgiveness, a silly sense of humor, loves travel, loves trying new things, strong family values, intellectual curiosity, someone who wants to take care of me even though I can take care of myself, and someone who loves me as I am, warts and all. Of course, I am willing to give all of this in return too.
Swati
.-= Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..The Post-Divorce Rut…and Getting Yourself Out! (post 1 of 2) =-.

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Travis January 4, 2010 at 4:46 pm

I will offer to carry your baggage, and you won’t tell me that “I can do it myself”

I look into your eyes, and you almost cry, because I’m not looking at you, I’m looking at the person in you.

I laugh, you laugh, and we make our stomachs hurt from laughing together.

To never let go of the hand. To offer to pick you up when you fall, and to walk hand-in-hand when we both have the strength.

The love of family. To be better because of, or in spite of your family. As long as they keep trying.

To cheer you on, even if you blush from it.

When I ask you to trust me… You believe it because you are asking questions, and that we both come to conclusion together, because the trust is so great, we know that all the questions will be answered (because trust is not about being blind, it’s about sharing in the questions). If you can’t share in the questions and answers, then their is no reason to trust. But at the same time, live transparently, so that you can see my foundation and we can trust each other completely without worrying about it, since we have lived so openingly. With honesty and integrity.

Love is simple, it’s people who make it complicated.
.-= Travis´s last blog ..I Come Around Catching Sparks Off You =-.

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singlemomseeking January 4, 2010 at 5:49 pm

@Travis: simply beautiful. Thank you so much for writing this. The woman who comes into your life will be blessed for sure.

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molly January 6, 2010 at 8:51 pm

Thanks for this post. It took me a really sad amount of time to come up with this. I’m so in the habit of scrambling for any little scrap a man throws my way. Lately I have been overwhelming and consistently disappointed by selfish men. The fact that I anticipate it may be attracting it. So I want is to turn it around, and ask for a man (or men) that surprises me with their thoughtfulness and desire to be there for me, and to bring happiness into my life.

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Legal Editor Mom January 7, 2010 at 2:03 pm

A guy who calls me beautiful instead of hot, who calls me back when I hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to my heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch me sleep…the guy who kisses my forehead, who wants to show me off to the world when I’m in sweats, who holds my hand in front of his friends, who thinks I’m just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have me….The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’

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Travis January 7, 2010 at 9:38 pm

@Legal Editor Mom – There is men (not guys, your asking for the wrong people to follow your list) who are just like that.

Funny thing about “hot”, I’ve never liked it and I was trying to tell someone I really liked that she a certain book, and I ran out of adjectives so I called it “hot”… and that’s when I learned why women hate that word so much.

And dang, yeah. For her it had a really degrading connotation (really degrading). And now, when I hear it I have to ask them to not say it anymore (cause it starts to tick me off)
.-= Travis´s last blog ..You’ve Been Stretched To The Limits =-.

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Legal Editor Mom January 8, 2010 at 6:45 am

@Travis: “Guy” was just a figure of speech. Of course I prefer a real MAN. LOL. And just to clarify, Rachel asked for what we “deserve.” I wrote more of what I “like,” but what I like is actually describing what I currently have. ;-)

It’s really interesting what turns people on and off!

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Kat Wilder January 8, 2010 at 11:07 am

I’m probably just repeating what others have said before, but if you’re looking for someone to “complete” you, you’ll never be happy.

It’s important to be clear on what’s important to you, and to pay attention to how people not only treat you but themselves and the world. And, you also have to know what you’re willing to give to another person.

Now, if he happens to have a nice body, too, well ;-)

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singlemomseeking January 8, 2010 at 11:23 am

Ah, so true @Kat Wilder!

I’m a strong believer in the Law of Attraction: like attracts like.

I’ve known for a long while now that I can only hope to meet a man with all of these qualities… if I work on them in myself first.

Love what you say: “You also have to know what you’re willing to give to another person.”

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Mommy to the Monsters January 8, 2010 at 7:38 pm

Wow how did I miss this? lol

I deserve to be loved for the person I am.. ALL OF ME – The good, the bad and the ugly!

I deserve a good man who is not only in love with me. But will be just as much in love with my kids regardless of his relationship with me. (wait that was a moreso what my kids deserve..lol)

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