So, I use Tweet Deck to follow certain groups via Twitter, from relationship experts to some sharp, witty moms and dads (you know who you are!). And it’s the folks who Tweet about being single parenting who really intrigue me.
Here’s an example of what I recently read on Twitter:
“Not sure if I’m single parenting or not but we’ll put it on our calendar!”
“Single parenting until Sunday night. Please send food and a charwoman.”
“Time to start my first night of single parenting.”
“Single parenting ends tomorrow!”
“Looking at 5 days of single parenting. The upside of it is that I get the whole bed to myself. The downside – insanity.”
As you can guess, none of the parents above are actually single. They’re married — and they’re Tweeting about being sans the hubby (or wife). Even if you’re not on Twitter, surely you’ve heard married folks complain like this. Say, at school or at the playground. Right?
So, I’m so curious to know:
Does their occasional whining bug you?
Or, do you feel empathy for them?
After all, clearly these married moms DO feel like single moms once in a while. Maybe their husbands travel often — or they commute long hours for work.
Let’s be honest here: I don’t feel like the same solo mom I’ve been for years, now that I’ve got that Lucky Guy to lean on. He has certainly helped me get through many stressful events since we started dating.
So, maybe I just need to keep my mouth shut and send these parents some kindness and understanding? What do you think?
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Let them whine all they want. Does “single parenting” the label indicate a permanent position in life?
When they are without hubby (or wifey) they are indeed single parents.
We have several (not the majority for sure) who travel with us who are married (or involved) and the spouse does not like to travel or can’t get away!
Cheers!
John W. Frenaye´s last blog ..Bohemian Rhapsody By The Muppets
Personally I’m really over the whole single mom v. married mom thing.
That being said, yeah, it bugs me when a married mom whines about being a ‘single parent’ TEMPORARILY, like it’s a badge of honor and she can relate to being a single parent. This is probably because I’ve been a REAL single parent for almost eight years and even when I was married mom for 12 years and my then husband was either traveling or otherwise absent for most of that time, it was NOTHING like being a real single parent!
I do think the statement is a little insensitive and a tad ignorant but I’m sure it’s not meant to rub us single parents the wrong way. It just does.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Post Break Blog Blank
It bugs to no end. The only women i give slack to are Military wives because its a very real possibility their husband is not coming back. Otherwise long business trip especially when you are a SAHM is complete bull. Your husband is out providing for your lifestyle. A true single mom not only has no husband coming home, she’s possibly the sole source of income or the majority so a married women really has no clue.
Many think they are being genuine with those comments. I’ve gotten to the point where i have respond with 5 words that ends the whole conversation “You’re husband will come home”
It doesn’t bug me when people wine. Everyone has the right to wine now and then. Surely, I as a single mom in middle class america do not have it the worst, yet I complain a lot. It is however bothersome to me when they compare their situation to mine. Whether they call themselves a single mom, or go on about their problems, and then turn to me and say “but its nothing compared to what you must go through. I don’t know how you do it.” Both reactions are different, but both drive me crazy. Go figure.
Samantha´s last blog ..Outraged!!!!
Yes it does shit me when people do this. And then they always say to me, ‘I don’t know how you do it.’ At least it gives them a bit of empathy for a minute towards my situation. Kindness and understanding toward them – bah!
Ah, yes, Jen, the “I don’t know how you do it” comment! If I had a dollar for each time I’ve heard that one…
I think there will always be arguments by who has it worse – single v married, SAH v WAH v working mothers, b/f v f/f, disposable v cloth, ceasar v natural, IVF v oops v situationally infertile v the thousands of groups we could compare to and with in any situation.
Have you noticed that?
Every label is a judgement call. So yes, they mislabel – but then, there are some married parents who honestly, I looked at their situation and felt I had it so much better being a single parent.
Have you found, since finding someone to love and give you some emotional support, that you struggle with the solo tag?
I know that I WAS a single parent for many years, and I know that my husband loves my daughter as his own – but I also know that there is part of me that is a solo parent in one small quadrant in my head.
jeanie´s last blog ..Do you DO mornings?
Jeanie: thank you for pointing out how hurtful labeling can be. So true. And I’ve heard that from many re-married single moms: “that here is part of me that is a solo parent in one small quadrant in my head.”
I wonder about that.
My married friends on Facebook do this a lot. It’s annoying and insensitive. I did send one of my closer girlfriends a message offline and told her it bothered me and that it’s not funny to single parents. She returned the email with “I don’t know how you do it” and a nice apology. My other single mom friend said about her “Yeah she’ll find out soon enough as her husband is a cheating pig” That made me laugh and it is actually true! The truth is married today, single tomorrow. I just roll my eyes at it now and realize they probably couldn’t walk in my shoes, but if they have to they won’t look as hot in them as I do!
It’s annoying. They don’t have to do the whole dating / deal with the ex dance on top of taking care of the kids alone dance– that’s the difference.
Man, Rachel, if people judged me solely by my tweets, I’d be in a lot of trouble.
I think the way we try to sum things up in 140 characters is kind of funny but I am probably in the minority.
They might have it easier in some ways, but most of us know that relationships with children can be challenging, whether we are single parents or married. Specially teenagers!!! So I do feel for them — and hope they feel for me, too.
Mom of a DQ (drama queen)
Elizabeth´s last blog ..Born to run
Oops, I didn’t mean I date my ex, ew, lol! I meant dating other dudes, while simultaneously dealing with the ex and our different parenting styles.
Ha ha Molly. You cracked me up.
I know married moms, who are, essentially single moms, whether they care to admit it or not–who never, ever complain (probably because they don’t want the world to know that their husband sucks).
The comments don’t bother me–it’s just how they are feeling at the moment.
As my son approaches adulthood, my single mom journey is coming to an end, so I might be caught counting down, too, which doesn’t mean I don’t love my son, it means I have completed my journey. Amen? Amen!
Ms. No Single Mama Drama´s last blog ..New Credit Card Rules: No Teens Allowed!
The only one that irritates me is when men say they have to “babysit” their kids. I hear it less now than I used to but it’s always bothered me. My response is always the same “aren’t they your kids? Then it’s not babysitting, it’s called being a parent.”
As for “I don’t know how you do it,” I generally come back to that with, “Neither do I.” I’m still a bit in awe of how my mom did it with me and my brother and sister. I’m glad she did though because I’m a better single dad thanks to her.
SDMktg´s last blog ..Happy Thanksgiving Tailgaters!
Oh, now, this I agree with – how in the heck does one “baby sit” their own child!
To men who say that, I say man-up and parent-up, do what women have done, be a proper parent and take care of what you brought into the world!
Ms. No Single Mama Drama´s last blog ..New Credit Card Rules: No Teens Allowed!
The “babysitting” kills me, too. It’s something my ex has been guilty of, anytime he’s been with our daughter on an odd night when I’ve gone out. Because since I didn’t pay a babysitter to show up and he did, it’s apparently him that’s babysitting.
Terra (aka Zoeyjane)´s last blog ..On raising funds, food and stuffs in Vancity
Yes, I do find this annoying–unless it’s coming from people whose spouses travel all the time or are in the military.
On the other hand, I’m guilty of calling myself a “single parent” even though my ex-husband has the kids with him every other weekend. Compared to people like you, Rachel, who are responsible for their kids 100% of the time, my life is a piece of cake!
I think you have every right to call yourself a “single parent” though I thank you for making the distinction between single parent and sole parent. Most sole parents get very few breaks, few (or no) week-ends off, and many have to pay dearly for babysitting just to have a life outside of home and work. Now that’s tough. Not that having every second week-end off is a walk in the park but wow — hats off to sole parents.
Oops, meant to say that every second wee-end off is still NOT a walk in the park, still so tough for single parents — evn with a break.
Yes it bugs me. Also bothers me when there’s an event and either a friend won’t go b/c her spouse is unavailable or she says that now I won’t be the only single person there. Um, yes I will.
Bugs me so much I’ll stop writing now.
amy sue nathan´s last blog ..Don’t chop yourself to bits but…
Yeah it bugs me. And the “I don’t know how you do it” comment doesn’t help matters. How do I do it? Really? I just get up everyday and do it.
Michele´s last blog ..Bean There Cafe
It does annoy me. I’ve ranted about it elsewhere. You’re not a single parent unless you’re SINGLE.
I do have friends with non-participative spouses and I feel badly for their situation, but come on. When you’re sick, are you dragging yourself up out of bed to get the kid to school on time and doing the housework and taking yourself to the pharmacy for medications? Probably not. It’s not the same.
Hmmm, I was a single mom, then I got married and still felt like a single mom, and now I am a single mom again. Shwww that was confusing. But during the year that I was married, it WAS easier, although not much easier, than being completely alone.
I just laugh at the comments and then pat myself on the back.
Danielle´s last blog ..It is truly a Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ll be the first to say I’m lucky because my kidlet alternates weeks between her dad’s place and mine. So I’m either a single parent, or – the next week – just single (and usually taking care of the errands that aren’t fun to do with a 4-yr old in tow).
A friend of mine makes the same sort of comments when her hubby travels for work, but I can’t empathize. Esp since they still have TWO incomes coming into the house. For me, that’s sort of the divide. I’m a one income household with no spousal or child support. So, not only do I feel run off my feet and being pulled in a million different directions (including dalliances with dating), but my bank account reflects the lone income coming in.
There isn’t another parent there to deal with the ‘hey, look at this’ and ‘i have a question’ when I’m trying to pull dinner together. And those temporarily-single parents never have to deal with ‘I want to live with Daddy EVERYDAY!’ being screamed by a furious child who doesn’t like my rules or being told ‘no’.
bad mummy´s last blog ..Above the Bones – Mishka
HA! I just ranted about this very same thing on my blog.
Honestly, it usually makes me feel a little validated when they say “I really don’t know how you do it…” I’m surrounded by married parents, and sometimes that’s nice to hear – a little acknowledgment that what I’m doing (and doing WELL, thankyouverymuch!) is an extra challenge.
But sometimes I want to claw their eyes out. Shhhhh… don’t tell.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..…and done!
Even though I am likely the author of one of those comments, I don’t think it’s correct. Maybe since “single parent” has taken on the meaning of a parent without a partner, we should honor it better and be more cautious to say “solo parenting”. Doing it alone temporarily is not the same as permanently because a) there is an end in sight which gives a sense of mental relief and security and b) in most cases there is a significant financial difference to having two partners in the same household.
“I don’t know how you do it” is a statement of wonder and empathy. It is intended to mean, “This is hard for me even though I am not single. I know it is probably even more challenging for you and I am cheering you on.” I hope you single parents will take it as a compliment when you hear it next.
RookieMom Whitney´s last blog ..Activity #7: Share lunch
Thank you Rookie Mom! Well said!
It’s irritating, but ignorance in general is irritating, too. And they don’t know they’re ignorant because they can’t really know what they’re talking about until they, too, have lived it. Kinda like when single, kid-less people give out parenting advice. Not worth the effort of a response.
I respond to the “I don’t know how you do it!” from non-single parents with a “Yes, you do – how many times since you became a parent have you done things you never would have thought you could do? You just do what you have to do, because it’s that important.” Then before they fully recover from that, I usually add “And I had to seriously lower my house cleaning standards” to get a laugh. I realized through being a solo parent and watching others that when a co-parent is engaged, it’s way easier, but if they are not, the emotional drain seems more costly than solo parenting. Even though I have to make all of the decisions, I also get to make all of the decisions. But the only money earner while solo parenting part is impossible for most other parents, even single parents, to really get. It’s hard, too, because while sometimes the “I don’t know how you do it!” rubs the wrong way, but it always comes from the people who are actually bothering to notice that my life can be hard, which is very nice…
I have considered myself a ‘Married Single Mom’ for much of my married life. My husband has traveled extensively and when he was home was completely unavailable to me or the kids. My kids would often go months without seeing their dad. Yes, my hubby had a job, but it hasn’t always paid the bills. And for much of it, I couldn’t work because I am not American and didn’t have working privileges.
Currently I have a friend who works full time, parents her three children alone while her husband works out of state just so that they can pay the bills. I consider her a Married Single Mom. I know many of these… and I really do think each situation is individual. I know single moms who make far more money than we do, and can afford to hire in help and whose kids are with her every other week. And I know some married women whose husbands are either unable or unwilling to participate in family life for whatever reason. There are differences.
But I really think it comes down to perception. What is hard for me might be easy for you. What I can handle with my eyes closed you might find more difficult. Just look at birthing stories!! Some mamas choose epidurals because the pain is unbearable, but the mamas who don’t are either super strong or don’t have as much pain, right?
Regardless, whether you are married or not, if the full load of parenting and maintaining a household falls to you alone the heaviness of doing it singlehandedly still needs a helping hand and most of all the understanding of those around us.
Come see me at Married Single Moms: http://tinyurl.com/yfesjzt
Carla Anne´s last blog ..Do You Need a Man in Your Life?
Thanks so much for chiming in Carla Anne! Wow, “Married Single Moms”…. I’ve yet to hear that one. Thanks.
It bothers me beyond belief.
They’re not solo parents, responsible for everything; they have partners to lean on emotionally and partners who are likely on a business trip financially supporting the family.
What they are is temporarily taking care of the kids alone — and that’s all.
I used to have an issue with it, until I got close to some women whose husbands worked long hours, on the road, so that they were able to live comfortably on a single income. I understand it better now, rather than before when I was still immersed in a form of resentment for being ‘on duty’ 24-hours a day, 7 days a week.
Since, I’m a little more compassionate toward those parents who are living a (part-time) single parent life; and less compassionate toward my previous martyrdom.
Terra (aka Zoeyjane)´s last blog ..On raising funds, food and stuffs in Vancity
I hate hearing the comments where people think that because their spouse is traveling that they know what it is like to be a single mom. I think it is even worse when their spouse is not traveling and they say that they know what it is like to be a single mom as they don’t think that their spouse is helpful enough. I find that being a single mom can be all consuming when you take in to account the workload, the emotional aspects, and the treatment by other members of the community. These faux-single parents will never understand that. And what is worse is that they can’t understand that this statement is the moral equivalent of saying, “I know what it’s like to be a minority (i.e. African-American or Jewish or Hispanic, etc), because someone once said something discriminatory to me.”
As a truly single mom (with no help from the kids’ father except for the occasional weekend without one of the kids every 3-4 months) it does irk me a little to hear people whine about a day or two without their spouse to help with the kids. Try it for a few YEARS!! I get where they are coming from but at least they have help most of the time and aren’t trying to do it on their own ALL THE TIME!!! Maybe that time as a “single parent” will make them appreciate their spouse more…who knows. After 3 years of juggling two kids, work, school and trying to get a little me time…sorry but I’m just not that compassionate about someone who whines about “single parenting” for a few days. That’s just me.
~Gabi
Gabi´s last blog ..Evan
Not really bugging me
I am also a little bit over the “single mom” “single dad” thing. We’re parents. Parenting is challenging under the best of circumstances. And tiring, stressful, and joyful.
That said, as a 95% solo mom for 8 years (and before that, the ex traveled so it was similar except I wasn’t broke), when I hear married men or women whine about “going it alone” I simply walk away. It’s a different world. But it’s their world and to them, it ain’t easy. But I walk away. And feel grateful that I have had awesome kids to parent all these years, who’ve been part of the “team” with me, as we’ve raised each other in so many ways.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..10 things you don’t know about me
I’m with you BigLittleWolf. Parenting is not easy. I think it can be tough when you are in a marriage, raising children and the spouse is gone. Change can be very difficult. It used to bother me when married parents would complain about their spouse but like you said it’s their world. It’s an apples to oranges kind of thing. They haven’t experienced what we as single parents go through and honestly, I don’t believe they are being insensitive – they just don’t know.
I am currently single (engaged) and a parent, and I still don’t sing the “single parent” blues. Why? Because I know I have things waaaaaaaaaaay easier than my single mom ever did in large part because I have shared custody and an active co-parent. And I didn’t sing them when I was married either, when my ex traveled for work.
Deesha´s last blog ..“Sex and the Single Parent” on the next “Co-Parenting Matters” Show