A lurking ex?

by singlemomseeking on October 7, 2009

Occasionally, I hear from an ex by email or phone — and I almost always welcome the connection. No, I haven’t remained friends with all of my exes (just a handful!), but I’m one of those people who doesn’t like to hold grudges. After all, hasn’t every ex in your life taught you some important lesson? (And, yes, some of those lessons hurt! I know.)

If you’re one of my exes who reads this blog, raise your hand. I knew it! Seriously, I sometimes wonder who might be checking up on me online — as a lurker. Do you ever wonder who is searching for you online? Do you have an ex whom you think might be checking on you?

MyLife recently contacted me because there IS a way to find out who’s searching for online. Moreover, if you’re looking for someone, you can hopefully find him/her on their site.MyLife has a very useful tool to help you find out who’s searching for you online. Check it out!
~~~

On the topic of your exes, one of my author-friends in New York, Karen Salmansohn, has a new book out: Prince Harming Syndrome: Break Bad Relationship Patterns for Good/5 Essentials for Finding True Love (and they’re not what you think!)

Her point is very simple, and I love it: “If you want to be happy, you must seek a good-hearted, ethical soul who brings you great growth—not simply a hottie who brings great grope!”

HAM_PHARMING_FA09

Yeah, I’ve been there. Have you? You might know Karen via her former best-selling books: How to Be Happy Dammit and How To Make Your Man Behave in 21 Days Or Less Using The Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers (that last title cracks me up EVERY time I read it!)

Guess what? She is giving away copies of Prince Harming Syndrome to TWO of you!

So, here’s the contest:

Has a “Prince Harming” every tried to reconnect with you online? (Guys, for you, that’s a “Princess Harming.”) Or, have you reached out recently and tried to contact an ex online?

Tell the truth: What did you do?

prince_harming_jacketnew-copy1

This contest is running through Oct. 17 — and winners will be chosen by Random.Org.

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October 7, 2009 at 8:17 am

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

MindyMom/Single Mom Says... October 7, 2009 at 8:38 am

Um yeah, I have a couple lurking exes – along with their respective wife and girlfriend and even their family members too. Oh, and then I get accused of being a ‘snooper’ because I stay informed about my exes finances (which are legally required to be disclosed TO ME!) Whatever.

The books sound great!
.-= MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Single Mom’s Open Letter to President Obama =-.

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lovebabz October 7, 2009 at 9:00 am

My Ex husband reads my blog periodically. At first he was mad about it…then of course I had to publicly cuss him out. Now he just reads and keeps his comments to himself.

I could care less.

The guy that I am seeing now reads too and is annoyed…doesn’t understand the concept of blogging…”why can’t I just talke to him about what’s on my mind” Uugghhh I am tired of him too!
.-= lovebabz´s last blog ..LOVETALK RADIO OCTOBER 2009 SCHEDULE =-.

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T October 7, 2009 at 9:06 am

I love that you’re the forgiving type. One of the reasons I dig you so much.

:)

I’m not sure any of my exes read the blog. But I am friends with them.
.-= T´s last blog ..Fork in the Blog =-.

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Candy October 7, 2009 at 9:30 am

The books sounds great.

I have looked up an old boyfriend or two, just out of curiosity. I don’t think anyone has been snooping on me. A few friends from my past have found me on Facebook. :)

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BigLittleWolf October 7, 2009 at 9:45 am

I have experienced both – of the harmless variety, and the creepy variety. I’ve also said hello to exes – usually for a quick catch-up, and it’s all pleasant. In fact most dealings with (European) exes have been lovely. It’s nice to know caring continues, even after a relationship ends.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Better sex life? Cosmetic surgery. =-.

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Honey October 7, 2009 at 11:38 am

I’m “friends” on facebook with most of my exes, but I don’t talk to them – with the exception of Lance, of course!
.-= Honey´s last blog ..Life. Just Life. =-.

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ana October 7, 2009 at 12:11 pm

i have a potential facebook lurker, someone with whom i had a drawn-out, off/on relationship and breakup. i decided to block him from being able to see me or view my activity on fb for now, for my own protection, i suppose. he didn’t want the relationship to end and frequently contacts me (without initiation) to let me know that.

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singlemomseeking October 7, 2009 at 1:00 pm

@Ana: He doesn’t quite sound like a lurker…. he sounds like a stalker!

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Samantha October 7, 2009 at 12:37 pm

Lurking…I might actually be the one guilty of such a crime. I have been cyberstalking my ex to “get evidence” for our custody case. I think though it might be more to find him failing in life, to see that his neglect of his son has brought Karma back to bite him. I’ll have to say, I’ve been quite disappointed.

Noone in my personal life really knows about my blog, I’m sure if my ex found it he would try to make it an issue, but as of yet, nothing. I sure would love that book though! ;)
.-= Samantha´s last blog ..Music =-.

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Mike October 7, 2009 at 1:09 pm

I’m still in contact with 2 of my exs. I have no rule on whether if contact continues. With the 2 I do we have other outside interests that bring up together. If it wasn’t for that it wouldn’t happen.

Also your Mylife link isn’t working.
.-= Mike´s last blog ..She Blinded Me with Library Science =-.

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Amanda October 7, 2009 at 1:49 pm

I am always amazed at how often your posts directly relate to what is going on in my life. I have an ex that quite often drifts back into my life and he is definitely a Prince Harming. I am a very forgiving and peacful person so I have numerous times tried to create a friendship with him which I always regret because he starts as a friend with intentions to try to get back together. At times he is very pushy. The worst is we were close to eachothers children so most recently he has been pushing to stay in contact with my children. I fear that he is using them to get to me. Ideally I would like to be his friend and allow him to be a part of my daughters lives because they do care about him but I think he is just toxic.

I am curious to hear how others deal with relationships with their kids and exes. I do have to say that I normally do not introduce my kids to people that I date this was a long term relationship and we were engaged.

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Restless Mama October 7, 2009 at 1:57 pm

This is a little tough because out of the 3 serious relationships I’ve had I’m friends with two – with whom I am consistent contact. The third is my son’s father and he wants nothing to do with us but I did try to contact him recently by e-mail to see if he’d resond. No response.
I guess he really didn’t want us in his life.
So sad. Too bad.
Life goes on.

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singlemomseeking October 8, 2009 at 8:59 am

@Restless Mama: That sounds painful. I hope you realize that it’s his loss in the end. It sounds like he’s very unavailable. I hope you can surround yourself with people who are. You deserve it.

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Anna October 7, 2009 at 3:28 pm

No. I stay far away from my exes. Yes I learned something from them, but don’t consider them “nice people” (not the serious relationship exes).

I have had some of my ex-husband’s friends try to friend me on facebook — NO THANKS. And got a request to be my XMIL’s friend on a similar site!! AFTER she tried to sue me?? I don’t think so.

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singlemomseeking October 8, 2009 at 8:57 am

@Anna: Your ex-husband’s friends tried to “friend” you on Facebook? Hmmm. THAT’S interesting. Did they really want to maintain a friendship?… Or keep tabs?

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Lora October 7, 2009 at 4:39 pm

Well, I have been separated for 3 years. While my ex insisted on ‘being friends’ he continued to pursue me and insinuate himself in every aspect of my life. I am the forgiving kind but having already made the mistake of forgiving him 6-7- times (I lost count!) during our marriage and also given him a second chance after we first separated ( which he totally blew!) I had to tell him over and over and over again. I Don’t WANT to be with you. I will NEVER be with you again. Despite that he pushed on. 2 weeks ago the S$%T hit the fan when my toddler told him about one of my guy friends that he loves playing with. It just proved that platonic, uninvolved, friendship is near impossible where one person is holding on to more than the other.

I do keep in touch with most of my other ex’s (there are not that many of them :P ) but in all cases many years passed before we re-connected.
.-= Lora´s last blog ..Resolutions =-.

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singlemomseeking October 8, 2009 at 8:56 am

@Lora: I agree with you on this one: “…platonic, uninvolved, friendship is near impossible where one person is holding on to more than the other.”

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kriz bell October 7, 2009 at 9:37 pm

there must be something in the stars- i know of at least 2 other people who were contacted by an ex yesterday. one of mine was kind enough to announce his engagement. yay.
.-= kriz bell´s last blog ..see what i’m sayin’? =-.

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JacksMommy October 8, 2009 at 1:43 am

I’m like you, I hate being in a fight. I hate hating people and I hate holding grudges so I’d prefer if I could be friends with most of my exes ,but sadly the world is not that perfect.

My son’s dad contacts me every once in a blue moon to show me his penis and ask if I want it *rolls eyes*

I’m guilty of contacting my ex that I was with 4 years and we broke up 5 years ago. I can’t help it. He was my best friend and meant so much to me for so long that I do miss him and hope he;s getting along great. We still have great chemistry and he still makes my laugh. It’s pretty awkward that I was so pure when I was with him and we were planning to marry and now I’m a mom with someone else’s baby. LOL.
.-= JacksMommy´s last blog ..Evil. =-.

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MC October 8, 2009 at 3:48 am

Oh, I’ve got all kinds of exes, from one who is now a good friend, to those I never ever see, to those who keep trying to get us back together, to one who is out and out malignant (keeps harassing me and trying to make me lose my job etc–my ex-husband, thanks dude!), and even I guy I dated casually for a couple months years ago who turned into a stalker. What category they’re in is determined by their own actions–I’d be happy to be friends, but you just can’t do that with everyone.

All of them contact me only via email. I don’t blog or use facebook, but my professional life is easy to find on the web. (now excuse me, I have to use that link to see who’s been searching for me!)

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MC October 8, 2009 at 3:49 am

Too bad–the “my life” link above is broken…

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keenkamsmom October 8, 2009 at 3:54 am

I didn’t think I had anyone lurking until I recently found out otherwise. Someone that I had stopped seeing suddenly texted me to ask if I had moved. I told him that yes I did and asked how he knew that. He told me that he had “been in the neighborhood” and noticed my vehicle wasn’t around anymore. He then said “don’t you think you should have let me know that?”. And I responded with “NO. We aren’t even talking to eachother anymore.” It creeped me out a little to think that he had been watching my house or maybe had even showed up there and someone else had answered the door.

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Amanda October 8, 2009 at 6:31 am

I have looked up some exes on Facebook and MySpace just to see what they’ve been up to. I have no intention of getting in touch with them. So far, no one has tried to reconnect with me.

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Legal Editor Mom October 8, 2009 at 10:58 am

Ironically I get along with all of my old boyfriends—better than my ex-husband. I’m friends with a few of them on Facebook, and my boyfriend from college recently found me that way, too; after trying unsuccessfully to locate me for 10 years. Now we’ve reconnected and talk every day…

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QTMama October 8, 2009 at 11:34 am

Hmmm, does it count as lurking when he …

A) Shows up drunk in my driveway in the middle of the night?
B) Shows up drunk, and LAYS in my driveway in the middle of the night?
C) Drunk texts me because he has hopes of getting some action?

Cuz if it does, I should sooooooooooooo win this. ;)
.-= QTMama´s last blog ..Musings. Stuff. Nitty Gritty. =-.

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CC October 8, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Last year I looked up an ex of seven years from high school and college. I was sent to a link on facebook so I joined. He has never added me as a friend so I guess he has no interest in being friends, which is fine. I was just curious about what he was up to these days. (We did spend many years together).

Now I am an adivd facebook user and ………..have him to blame!

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StudentMama October 9, 2009 at 5:03 pm

Recently, I had a dream about one of my exes. We parted on good terms, but a few months later was distressed to find out I had moved on. I contacted him via facebook due to the dream, and I was curious to see if there was any bad feelings still. Luckily, he had moved on and all was well. We’re not keeping touch beyond a friendly email here and there.

I have to admit, I lurked on a Myspace page of a former “Prince Harming”. It was healing, in some ways, although I have seen some of the patterns emerge from that relationship in my current marriage. That was a difficult space to be in – when you realize that you haven’t grown as much as you thought. It’s certainly difficult to break the patterns.

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