Comments on: Back to School Night. Alone

By: Is it okay when your ex brings a date to school events? | Singlemommyhood.com

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 10:07:17 +0000

[...] We heard from a divorced mom who needs your advice after what happened at her kindergartner’s recent Back to School Night. [...]

By: Monica

Monica — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 19:34:19 +0000

So I attended my first back to school open house for my kindergartener. It was nerve racking enough, but then 15 minutes into it, my uninvolved ex-husband decides to show up with his girlfriend. OMG! I stood there trying to stay focused and I did as best as I could. It’s so complicated, but the reality of it is that she really loves my son and I appreciate that, but I do not believe taht she should have been there. I want to draw a boundry on this, but I’m not sure how to. My ex and I do not speak—really- not at all and when I think we can, he automatically starts a fight about child support being too high. I do speak to her, but I do not know how to approach it. It’s done and over with, but what other school function is she going to show up for. Maybe I am just being difficult and instead I should appreciate that she wants to be involved. Any thought?

By: xanmom

xanmom — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:13:01 +0000

all your notes have been comforting to read, been divorced 7 yrs and always find open houses/curriculum nites kind of lonely. now have two kids in college, one still in middle school, and finding it a tad better. now go to parent’s weekends at colleges as a single mom. its true we need to embrace that we are single, also true we compare our insides with other people’s or family’s outsides. we never really know how those couples are together. I still romanticize all married couples as having that “partner for life” but I realize many can’t stand to be in the same room w each other.

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:08:11 +0000

I adore you, too. And, you know, those fairy tales are hard to give up ….
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..All the good men are taken, but don’t let that stop you

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:02:13 +0000

Helen,
That’s why I (hoped I) made a clear distinction — choice moms, and women who said, “I want a divorce.”

Those whose partners walk out or die are exempt from that sort of thinking as they did not choose it. Life, in all its randomness did.
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..All the good men are taken, but don’t let that stop you

By: Dora

Dora — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 23:12:23 +0000

This is fascinating to read. As a “choice mom” to be, I really related to Kat’s comment. Although I do understand Helen POV. Some people do just get left. Partners walk out, partners die. Marrying and having a child with someone is no guarantee that you will raise that child together. Maybe I just know too many unhappily married or divorced couples to idealize it.

I have a while to go before I have to deal with school functions, as I’m still cooking my daughter (28 weeks now!), but as a single mom by choice (to be), this is exactly what I signed up for. I guess after all the injections I gave myself to get and stay pregnant, all the tests and procedures, all on my own, meeting with my child’s teacher doesn’t seem daunting or sad at all.

Rachel, M sounds like an awesome girl. Remember that when you go to talk to her teachers, YOU can take credit for that.
Dora´s last blog ..Eight Years Later

By: SDMktg

SDMktg — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:47:15 +0000

Kat’s comment really depends on whether or not there’s a co-parent involved or not. My ex certainly isn’t “doing it all by herself”. We have joint custody and the kids live with me about 60% of the time. When I was a kid we “visited” my dad at his place. Now my kids have two homes where they “live” and where they are very much loved and missed when they’re not home.

The funny thing is I pretty much never find myself wishing I had a partner in parenting. My mom never had one and she made it work. I could use a maid and I enjoy spending the rest of my life with my girlfriend but when it comes to being a parent I think I’m doing ok.
SDMktg´s last blog ..Review: Top 10 Tips for Awesome Tailgate Parties

By: Helen F

Helen F — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 18:26:00 +0000

Kat,

I may have missed something as a newbie, but I certainly didn’t ‘decide to be a single mom’. My husband of 15 years walked out 5 years ago, leaving me with three small kids, no child support and no help. I started a small business and now manage well financially.

I live 800 miles from my family in a rural area, and loneliness is part of the deal. But being a single mom it’s not a deal I signed up for: I signed up to a lifelong marriage. So it’s not surprising if we dream of romantic love, partly because it’s a way to deal with a lonely, desperate reality.

By: singlemomseeking

singlemomseeking — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 18:16:41 +0000

Wow, @Martini Mom: thanks!!

I’m laughing to myself about what seemed to inspire your ex to come to Curriculum Night… I have to applaud you: you seem to be handling these relationships with utmost maturity — all in the best interest of your son. You go Mama.

By: Martini Mom

Martini Mom — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 17:58:54 +0000

Yep, he’s kid-sitting. We’ve talked about him coming along to these types of functions and he’s definitely interested and will be coming in the future. For tonight, there were a couple factors that led to the decision:

1. The person I expected to kid-sit (my ex) suddenly decided he wanted to attend, so my boyfriend offered to do the kid-sitting.

2. Though my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years, we (as you know) have been living many, many states apart. He’s here now, and absolutely ready to be involved 100%, but it’s a little awkward to go from 0 to 60 so abruptly. My ex is supportive of an additional father figure in our son’s life. We’ve had a lot of talks about how we’ll all fit together as co-parents. But I think my ex is seeing my boyfriend’s involvement, comparing it to his own, and feeling a little threatened. He’s not been a particularly involved dad. He’s around consistently, and he and our son hang out quite a bit… but my ex is “more of a grown-up friend than a dad” (my son’s words). My ex has never expressed interest in school functions. There are some that I “require” him to attend, but all others he opts out of. He’s just never been interested. He’s never come to a curriculum night in the past, and he wasn’t particularly interested in attending this year… until he heard that my boyfriend was interested in attending.

In this instance, it seemed that perhaps having my boyfriend “bow out” and do the kid-sitting would be appropriate, giving my ex a little more time to adjust so that he doesn’t feel like he’s being pushed out or replaced. I made a point to talk to him about teacher-parent conferences though, and we’re all in agreement that everyone should be there for that.

So, we’ll get there. But for now we’re taking some precautions which will, hopefully, make for a more cordial co-parenting relationship for all of us.

How’s that for a complicated answer to a simple question?
Martini Mom´s last blog ..When are you no longer a single mom?