Catch me at any random moment during the day, and you’ll usually find an open and available woman. So, here were are, laughing and brushing against each other in the kitchen. We’ve just shared a big salad, and I’m washing the dishes while he sweeps. Harmony, right?
No, because in the midst of all of this, some minor misunderstanding happens to sneak up and spy. It’s like a small spindly bug, the kind you should just sweep outside. Maybe you read too much into his tone of voice. Maybe he thought you were teasing him.
The last thing you want to do is push him away. You’re sorry that came out wrong.
Please tell me this kind of thing happens between couples all the time. Or, am I just a crazy woman?
Let’s just take deep breaths, shall we? A hug always helps. Except that darn head of yours won’t stop. How do you shut this brain off? Someone, please!
You don’t even catch yourself shutting down. But watch how quickly you close up. When he sees you retreating, he buckles down, quiet and far away. Fortunately, there is no name calling, no raised voices. But there is hurt.
Why does trust sometimes feel like such a motorcade that’s barely moving? Speed up, will you!
As I’m writing this, a close girlfriend sends me one of those corny chain emails with a special wish. Except that I don’t find it so corny tonight: “May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others....”
All right fear, that’s enough of you! It’s time to read Raymond Carver’s poem “Fear,” from the collection All of Us, in which he mocks fear. I love it, don’t you?
Fear
Fear of seeing a police car pull into the drive.
Fear of falling asleep at night.
Fear of not falling asleep.
Fear of the past rising up.
Fear of the present taking flight…..
~~~
I’m trying to learn some lessons I seemed to have missed when I was younger: the ability create deep love that lasts, and the strength to hang in there when there’s a minor sideswipe.
Many of you read this blog because you, too, have fears. I savor your suggestions all the time.
So, what can I do when that anxiety shows its face? Thank you…
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Fear is something that comes up when we are caught in the past or the future moment.
It exists only in our mind. I would say the best thing to overcome the fear is to things.
Learn to accept the present moment (read power of now, meditate, savor all the things during the day).
Don’t become attached to the outcome – surrender.
I have a fine example of this. I met a guy recently who flew in from another country and literally swept me off my feet.
Then he left. And while we are still in contact with each other the first couple of days after he left i was in absolute agony.
I was operating out of fear. I wanted to talk to him constantly, I was checking my emails all the time and would be upset if I saw him on msn or something, yet he wasn’t talking to me.
Then i went away for a couple of days, got to spend some time on me and do something I love.
When I got back home … there is no more of that agony, anxiousness or fear.
That is because over the weekend I came to the realisation that my thoughts and feelings were also obsessive and very attached.
Over the weekend I realise that … what will be will be. If I do end up with him great. If I don’t great.
Either way I can accept the situation and in this … you live in complete liberation.
Hope this helps
Hot Alpha Female
The Only Woman You Should Take Dating Advice From
Hot Alpha Female´s last blog post…I Really Like Him – Now What?!
Just wrote a post about that last night. I so get this.
I also loved this quote:
“When I’m anxious it’s because I’m living in the future. When I’m depressed it’s because I’m living in the past.” -Unknown
Thanks for the chain email too. I loved what it said and it helped me with the fear I was struggling with too.
Love you sweetie.
T´s last blog post…Choosing
I don’t always recite the entire thing, but the Bene Gessarit Litany Against Fear (Dune) is where I start. I’m already dealing with anxiety, so it’s a bullet train from “nervous” to “panic attack”.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
I’m also a big fan of “Everything happens that is supposed to happen.”
Emily´s last blog post…How I afford Health Insurance
Fears, doubts, insecurities…we all have them. Learning to identify why they are there is important and most likely it’s not for a lack of trust in your S.O. but in yourself. They are all learned behaviors from past experiences – not the present relationship.
Having a man who can recognize this and not take your fears personally helps. Accepting that you have these feelings every now and then is all part of it.
And thanks for the email. It came at a perfect time and was not corny.
MindyMom´s last blog post…DBD Makes an Appearance
You already know what to do because you’ve done it.
— when you split with M’s dad, wondering “How will I survive?” and you have
— when you got through every breakup you’ve had since
— when you faced your recent eviction
— really, any time life presents us with a problem much bigger than we think we are, and we survive … maybe even thrive.
Fear is part of our genetic makeup, and it’s served as well … at times. But as others here say, if you’re basing your reactions now on what has happened in the past, well, Lucky Guy isn’t any of those men. And if you’re projecting into the future, what good can come from that?
You have to have faith in yourself first. And, you know, I believe you really do.
Kat Wilder´s last blog post…Too tired for sex?
There is only love or fear.
Choose love. It is simply changing your mind and not letting your worst thoughts drive you.
We are all on the path of enlightenment and true love. Go easy on yourself. When you fuck up…apologize. Do better and be better one day and one step at a time. There is no right. There is only love.
lovebabz´s last blog post…TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TIME AS A BARRIER
@lovebabz: Can I have some of what’s in your water? I always appreciate how real you are: “There is only love or fear. Choose love. It is simply changing your mind and not letting your worst thoughts drive you.”
ugh i am going through that right now… i TRY to trust the man i am seeing, dating – whatever the hell is to me. but each time i think i am making progress, i get it thrown in my face that i am overly emotional… or that he can’t handle my moods etc. but the weird thing is i was never like this with anyone else… EVER.
i know i am babbling a bit, and perhaps it is because i am hurt by this man right now. but i can completely relate. on so very many levels. i hear you – loud and clear on this one.
Dana´s last blog post…self loathing?
Of course the anxiety comes from the fear. How to control that I don’t know, but I did like Lovebabz’s comment. Maybe it is as simple as choosing the love, and having trust in it. 100% complete and utter trust.
QTMama´s last blog post…Weird Thing of the Week
Hi – You are not alone. I’m going through terrible anxiety. I swear, it sucks. But I’m trying to trust in God and know that this is just the human experience. I don’t know what else to do! It’s going to be okay.
You are going to be okay. Just remember to eat well and exercise and take time for you and not put too much pressure on yourself. Don’t look at things in black and white, also, but shades of gray. Sometimes relationships suck, but it doesn’t mean they are over. You are going to be fine.
Me
@Andrea: I’ve followed your writing for ages now (and love it!), so I’ve always assumed that you got through anxiety in a snap with your amazing sense of humor. Thanks for reminding me that we face anxiety at some point — and we are going to be okay.
Yes, I’m going to take a break today from work and do yoga for a bit. Thank you.
I have recently struggled with this a lot trying to mend a broken heart and figure out what part of the relationship I needed to own.
When I find myself in those throws of anxiety (which are less and less thankfully) there are 2 things I do:
1. look at a watch/clock/computer and give yourself 15 min where you do NOTHING in reaction to the anxiety. See how you feel. You will survive that 15 min and you might need 15 more. Keep going, but make no decisions/say nothing in those “moments”.
2. this goes with the above, while in the most intense anxiety moments keep telling yourself that its okay to be anxious! Don’t be so hard on yourself, anxiety isn’t going to kill you; it will pass soon and you will be clearer in the head. You will figure out what got you to that point and chances are its something you can’t control (but would love to!) You have control over yourself…anxiety doesn’t control you.
Wow. I’ve just started reading as I picked up your link from “T” and am laughing b/c I just wrote about FEAR this morning b/c of some other stuff I was reading on the web. Feel free to find me via T. My lastest blog sort of tells what I do during those times. xoxo!
It took me at least 5 months of dating J. to know that he wasn’t going to leave me, and that he was in it for the long haul – even when I freaked out about something, or acted crabby, or didn’t let him help me or “let him in”.
It took me until last month, a year of dating him, to understand that when he’s crabby or shuts down it isn’t necessarily because he’s mad at me or something I’ve done.
As humans, we’ll always be making mistakes, so we always have an opportunity to learn!
There is no sense in dwelling on or bringing up what can’t be changed. Be as good and forgiving of yourself as you would for him or a dear friend. Apologize from your heart, then keep moving forward. Oh, and, yeah, yoga helps, too!
Susan´s last blog post…Taking a bow
FEAR=False Evidence Appearing Real. Thanks for your tweet/post!
~Ms. V
Ms. V´s last blog post…Thursday Rockin’ Playlist
This is normal. It happens. When you are falling in TRUE love you show all your vulnerabilities and wounds. And sometimes we unearth them in our partner without realizing it. Sometimes you have to give each other a little space to deal with them on your own, then apologize and then of course . . . have awesome makeup sex!!!
Seriously, sometimes a little tiff can bring you closer together. You talk it through and then release some stress together. Pillow talk really is nice sometimes.
If your relationship was always harmonious and smooth sailing it would be boring. You wouldn’t be growing together. It is so important to learn and grow. You don’t want to be with a guy that is not self-reflective, can’t apologize or won’t show his vulnerable side.
A marriage counselor once told me that a good relationship is like a rubber band. It pulls in different directions and then snaps back together. I think this is very true!
Ah, Bonnie, thanks for reminding me that we DO grow when we work through challenges together. Thanks for keeping it positive.
I LOVE this! “A marriage counselor once told me that a good relationship is like a rubber band. It pulls in different directions and then snaps back together.”
Wow, I am reading this entry and all the advice and keep thinking wow. What brave souls. I am a big time coward when it comes to trusting my heart to another. I did it with two men, and at this point in time screaming surrender. I hope one day I get to be as brave as you all.
Nicole´s last blog post…July 4th
Rachel, I went through some therapy called EMDR. One of the most important things I learned from it what my triggers are and how those things affect my mood, my attitude, and all of my feelings, as well as how I deal with the situation.
What I would do is encourage you to recognize what kinds of things make you feel certain ways and how it affects you.
After we identified my triggers I was able to incorporate some techniques such as relaxing techniques so that I react in a healthy way and also that I don’t let old feelings get in the way of new situations.
Kari´s last blog post…Looking for a new rental…
I love all these comments. I don’t know for sure, because I’m normally far too nonchalant (or too detached) to really experience fear – so I guess since you are feeling it, it must be love! But, I think fear in itself is either a stimulant or a depressant – depending on which way you take it. It can either spur you on to change and develop and grow for the better, or it could hinder you from making progress – the choice is yours!
Alicia´s last blog post…Made for Each Other?
I think it’s a matter of choice. I have had those same insidious thoughts, and when I’ve chosen not to feed them with my attention they starve and die. Of course, the first time I ever had those thoughts they seemed to come out of nowhere but I was right about him doing his dirt, yet after him it has usually just been my own neurosis, which I acknowledge and then send packing. Not saying it’s easy! Just that it’s possible. xoxo
Single Mama NYC´s last blog post…Vacation Budgeting Can Be More Important Than Ever Now
Rachel, reading old posts and thought I’d share this quote that I like a lot: “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time” ~Anne Taylor Fleming~
LOVE that quote GLSD. Thank you!!