Instead, we had very open conversations about his addictions; about how they affected him and his personality; about his responsibility for his actions (the choices Dr. Leah talks about); and, often, about his struggles to quit.

I watched him *fight* his addictions, which is a different scenario than the one you’ve raised – so maybe what I’m about to say doesn’t apply. But for me, the open communication meant that I was able to better understand what was happening and why it was so difficult (in the end, impossible) for my dad to quit. Watching him try and fail and try and fail and try and fail and try again, even though he knew the chances of just failing again? *This* is where I learned everything I needed to know about tenacity, personal responsibility and, certainly, owning your mistakes. If there hadn’t been such open communication, I’m not sure I would’ve walked away with the same lessons.

My son is named after my dad. They never met (my dad died while I was pregnant with my son) and so, naturally, my son is very curious about the man he was named for. He’s asked a lot of questions over the years, and I’ve answered them honestly. It’s a big conversation, so he’s come to grasp it better as he’s gotten older.

Our conversations tend to center on choices, as Dr. Leah suggested. We talk about responsible drinking vs. abuse. And we talk about the dangers of drinking too much; things that can happen if you drink irresponsibly and/or habitually.

A complicating factor for us is my ex-husband, who takes a very casual approach to alcohol around my son. (He recently took my son to a kegger-style party and taught him how to play beer pong, albeit with orange juice. And this is only the most recent example). So the education on my part has been kicked up a notch. I feel like I must give him a better context in which to make sense of the “lessons” he’s learning from his dad.

And I do want him to know about the family history and explain to him why that might matter to him personally. However, I’ve found this to be a tricky angle, because I don’t want our conversation to sound like I’m condemning him to the life of an alcoholic. Luckily, I can point to both my brother and I as examples – children of an alcoholic who did not become alcoholics themselves. Still, I think family history is something to be aware of.

So, for all these reasons, we talk. Openly and honestly. I don’t know any other way to be. Check back with me in 20 yrs, and I’ll let you know if it worked!

(Sorry to have rambled on. I guess I have a lot to say on this topic!)

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But it is a tough thing to grasp when you start thinking of addiction in terms of a disease. I liken it to any terminal illness. Some cancer patients – for whatever reason – refuse treatment or chemo – some fight the cancer with everything they have. I hope I can explain to her that her dad didn’t choose to be an addict – but he chooses to let those addictions win. And he makes the choices that give the addiction all of the power in his life.

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I appreciate this reminder: Addicts DO make choices.

And my daughter does deserve to know the truth: That her father was not able to do the important job or being a parent. Fortunately, she has grown up in a very healthy, loving, communicative home.

I’m loving all of your open, honest comments. Thanks.

There is no magic age at which kids need to “know” about addiction. Likely, kids are already familiar with the term from lessons at school about smoking and drug use.

But, since experts differ on exactly what the terms “addiction”/”addictive personality”/”addiction prone” actually mean, it’s best to stick with information that helps your kids better understand what has happened in their own lives.

What makes this conversation so difficult for many of you is that “addiction” is part of the infinitely bigger issue of why the other parent (in this case, M’s father) is not a part of their lives.

Here’s where it gets tricky:

Experts debate endlessly the role of choice in addiction. Do addicts have control over their drinking and drugging or is the physiological basis of their addiction so compelling that they are powerless to resist the urge?

Secondly, the issue of whether alcoholism “runs in families” is clouded by how familiar kids who grow up in alcoholic/drug abusing families become with drinking/drugs and the accompanying lack of supervision.
Is it genetics or environment?

No one has the definitive answers to these questions.

My opinion? Addicts make choices. It’s incredibly challenging to stay clean and sober. Most “addicts” are simply not interested in doing the hard work and commitment sobriety requires.

My advice to Rachel? Make sure that M knows that her father’s choices in no way “doom her” to a greater susceptibility to substance abuse.

I believe kids get the wrong message when they’re told that they’re “at risk” for drug or alcohol abuse due to family history. Kids hearing that message often conclude “What the heck – might as well do it” if they come to believe that they will eventually succumb to substance abuse.

Kids are best helped by the message repeated early and often that their “other parent” has chosen not to be part of their lives because he or she was simply not able to do the important job or being a parent. Drug/alcohol abuse is simply one indication that parenting is just not in the “other parent’s” skill set.

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Re: “I’m also curious about this idea that there is a “time to talk” or an age when our kids “need to know” about addiction. How do you know when that is?”…. I’m hoping that perhaps an expert might chime in about this one. I’ll put the word out.

Thank you for this, too: “It’s my belief that lies are usually even harder to understand than the truth.”

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