When I first started discovered Joel Schwartzberg – in The New York Times Magazine and Babble.com — I remember being struck by how openly he described his life as a divorced dad.
And now… his first book, The 40-Year-Old Version, is out!
“There hasn’t been much of a voice for divorced dads in the publishing marketplace,” Joel recently wrote to me in an email. “Most books I found were somber ‘survival guides’ and legal advice. This is the kind of book I needed in the early days of my own divorce.”
So, I’m thrilled to introduce you to Joel, who has offered to give away copies of his book to three of you!
What I loved most about The 40-Year-Old Version — besides the title (!) — is the fact that you, the reader, really see how he grows as a father, a man, and a human being (and he sure cracks you up along the way!)
So, please meet Joel…
In a recent email to me, you wrote: “A divorce is depressing and stressful, but in its wake is an opportunity to parent on your own terms, outside of anyone’s expectations.”
Can you expand on this?
Joel: “For some dads, it’s a continuation of what they’d been doing all along. Others have to rediscover their inner dads or build them from scratch. A father is never replaced or replaceable. Finding your ‘inner dad’ is especially difficult for divorced dads, who often feel cut out of their children’s lives. These dads have to reassert their roles, and sometimes rebuild them from scratch.”
~~~
You share custody of your nine-year-old son and six year-old twins with your ex-wife, yes?
Joel: “I work all week and see the kids every Friday night and all day Saturday. Plus, I take one child out every Wednesday for dinner or dessert, so I can have some individual time with each one.”
“Divorcing your spouse does not mean you’re also divorcing your kids… Fathers need to realize the permanence of their role in their children’s lives — and the silver-lining opportunity to redefine fatherhood on their own freshly-independent terms.”
~~~
Congratulations on falling in love again — and getting remarried!
Joel: “I’m lucky to have a wife who – as an elementary school teacher – really understands kids. So the blending has been not just easy — it has been delightful. My wife and I don’t condescend to my kids, but we also set consistent rules that may not be the same as their mother’s. I’m a believer that each home can have its own set of rules. If kids can adhere to different expectations between home and school, they can do it between home and home.”
~~~
Do you have any words of wisdom for other single parents out there?
Joel: “My advice really goes to the custodial or non-custodial parent outside the primary home, and it’s this: You divorced your spouse, but not your children. You are not a half-time parent. You are not a baby sitter. Your parenthood came with the birth of your children, but it’s also yours to lose.”
~~~
So, what do you need to do to win The 40-Year-Old Version?
Leave a comment. That’s it.
The contest will be open through June 22, and winners will be chosen by Random.org.
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I find myself thinking about this frequently, how difficult it is for my son’s Dad to not be able to be a part of his day to day life after divorce. On days when I feel sorry for myself for having to do all of it, everyday, all day long, with no help *woe is me, hand to forehead*, I think of his Dad and that what he’s doing, waiting for his weekend time, is much harder than packing lunches, carpooling, getting up in the middle of the night, etc, etc, etc. Moms need to remember this about their children’s fathers.
….and forget to say, would love to win a copy of Joel’s book for a dear friend who has just begun his journey to find his way as a divorced Dad.
My son’s mom checked out of the parent role a little over a year before we finally separated. When this happens to children it can be devastating to them and I have had to combat the repercussions ever since. Over the past two to three years she has finally matured and checked back in. It has made a world of difference for my son.
Like Joel’s situation, there are two separate sets of rules for my house and my son’s mother’s house. He seems to do well transitioning between them. I talk to his mother and step-father about their rules and guidelines so that I understand them. We discuss movies and video games that are appropriate so that those guidelines remain the same between homes. His only complaint is that his friends get to watch more stuff than he does.
Crazy Computer Dad´s last blog post…ugggghhhhhh…..A Month!
What a great title, I agree… and what a great attitude he has.
This sounds like an awesome book… one I plan to recommend to guys I know going through “the process”.
Thanks for sharing!
Katherine SOLOdotmom´s last blog post…The Day My World Stood Still
Sounds like a great guy. And I LOVE this:
“Your parenthood came with the birth of your children, but it’s also yours to lose.”
MindyMom´s last blog post…Seriously Self-Centered
Love his advice! Thanks for introducing me to this brilliant author, Rachel!
Alicia´s last blog post…Tooting My Own Horn
I’m really struggling with how to support my daughter’s father in being a good father, despite my resentment and anger at being thrust into single parenting. This would be a fantastic read — for her father and I both!
Jessica Howell´s last blog post…Totally Plugging Myself
I am always interested in bettering myself as a parent and as a person. You book sounds great and I would love to get a divorced dad’s take.
Danielle´s last blog post…Hodge Podge Day Yet Again
Would it be too jaded to say I need to read about a good man. I am currently caught up in my own custody drama, so finding out that you can get pass all the anger and drama, move on to raise happy kids would be helpful.
Nicole´s last blog post…I Hate Sippy Cups
Thanks to all of you for your support. Know also I’d be happy to send you a cover image and do an email interview with any of you bloggers for any reason. Rachel was kind enough to write a blurb for the book, and you can see that and bunches of other reviews at http://www.divorceddadbook.com
Best wishes — and good luck winning the book, (but it’s pretty cheap for the rest
Joel Schwartzberg
http://www.joelschwartzberg.net
Wow, so glad I ran into this post Rachel. Thank you.
“who often feel cut out of their children’s lives.” I feel this often. I don’t get to see/experience the day-to-day of my kid’s lives. I miss that, big time.
Oh how I wish my ex-husband felt this way. Even a fraction of this concept would be nice for my son.
I’ve been anxiously awaiting getting this book (I’m one of Joels friends on FB, probably because of you, Rachel) and can’t wait to read it and see how it compares with my own experiences.
I’m just hoping, like Joel, I finally find someone to spend my life with now too, it’s been a long time and I’m ready!
My ex-husband is starting over from scratch on his relationship with our daughter. It’s nice to see another man voicing a similar sentiment.
Well…you can never have enough good reading material about divorce when…y’know…are divorced.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…Confessions from a Cubicle: Training Day 3
Joel—do you have a brother named David?
Does this count as a comment? I’d love to read the book!
John F´s last blog post…A Chatty Cathy
It’s great seeing a book like this written from a man’s perspective!
MommaSunshine´s last blog post…Priorities
“…it’s yours to lose.” Well said! I wish my husband was putting forth the effort for our daughter. I’m afraid he’s going to take a long time to figure out how important it is.
I’d love a copy of the book, to be able to read up on the man’s perspective. I’d like to be more sympathetic to his side of things. thanks!
This sounds like a great book. Even though my divorce was a continuation of what I’d already been doing for the most part I still took several parenting classes for the support and to gain a bit of confidence in my ability to be a single dad. From day one the most important thing to me was having my kids at least half of the time and I’m so thankful their mom didn’t fight me over that. I realized early on that I’m a full time parent 100% responsible for my twins the same way their mom is. We have joint custody but I’m always their dad and I do everything I can for them.
Looking forward to seeing the book. I was pretty dissapointed in the library of works available to divorced dads myself.
Nice post! I just did a similar review/interview on my blog with Joel.
Peace,
Joey
http://www.daddybrain.wordpress.com
babbo´s last blog post…The The 40-Year-Old Version: Book Review & Author Interview