Trusting men doesn’t come easy for me.
I’ve had my share of infidelity in relationships. Men have lied to me, and I was naive enough to believe them.
So, this Lucky Guy travels about once a month for work. During his first four-day trip out of state, I started to freak out. We’re talking obsessive thoughts here, the kind that go:
“Why didn’t he text me right back?”
“Is he flirting with anyone at the after-hours conference party right now?”
Yeah, I got all jealous and remembering these thoughts right now mortifies me. One time, when he called me during a business trip, he sensed my insecurity over the phone. I spoke in short, soft sentences. I could tell that he’d had a couple of drinks, which kicked up my anxiety of having been with an alcoholic.
“Love, don’t take this the wrong way,” he said, “but you’re being a little weird.”
It hurt to hear him say that — but it was true. What the heck was wrong with me?
Well, I’m not alone. As I work with clients at Match.com, this is one of the most requests from both men and women: “I hope to be with someone who’s loyal.”
Loyalty. What does that really mean? Surely, it’s not about being plagued by jealous thoughts, or being crazily hung up on a man 24/7. Loyalty is about being dependable and trustworthy. It’s about showing up on time and calling when you say you will. It’s about serving someone coffee in bed and leaving love notes.
Since our first date four months ago (!), LG has been incredibly reliable, consistent, present. He is so there. Clearly, this is my baggage to carry.
As I’m working on it, I’d love to know:
Have any of you struggled with trust, too?
Throw me a few words of wisdom, would you?
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
It killed me to read this because its something that is poisoning my thoughts right now! I am trying to “move on” after a heartbreaking relationship that really fell apart because of the very thing you wrote about!
My ex and I had been dating about 7 months when my Dad died. I had a estranged relationship with him and his addiction to alcohol. In fact the last time I saw him was to have him meet my daughter (3 years ago). He was so nervous he’d been drinking for hours when I got there and when he bent down to pick up the little one he drooled on her.
Anyhow, didn’t think I would “grieve” for him but low and behold a week after he died and I thought I was going crazy my doctor calmly held my hand and said, “um, your suffering from grief!” Ah, from there doors began to open, lights turned on, and sleep found me once again.
Through all of this…my boyfriend was virtually absent. Not just standing in the shadows not knowing what to do but going out of town with friends and not touching base for 3 days. Hanging out with a “friend” who happened to be a single girl. Um, going on a business trip and the only communication I got was a daily flurry of text messages as to how drunk he’d gotten the night before.
We tried to get past it, we did. He apologized but never really understood. I tried to forgive but know I won’t forget. 6 weeks later it ended. So I am struggling with the baggage I’m carrying from this last relationship and lord I wish I could share with you how to get over it!
Maybe just be honest and express some past experiences will shine some light on the “why” you do what you do.
Trust? You can pull-up the tough stuff. It is one of my bigger monkeys.
I had a friend ask me why I thought that everyone would want my man? I could not come up with an answer.
I try to reason my way out like the number of times a female has let me down, changed the plans at the last minute etc. and I still can trust females however it just does not translate when a sexual relationship is involved.
Keep reminding yourself this is your and keep seeing him for who he is..perhaps start a list of why LG is reliable and another list of why LG has picked you
Loyalty. Yeah, that’s a biggie.
My guess is that in a relationship where both people are consistently loyal, trust is built, and neither party has to be filled with jealous thoughts like you describe.
Myself? I’m not sure. I was never jealous until I was with my ex, and I could never figure out why. After several years with him, I convinced myself that I was insecure. Turns out it was my subconscious giving me a big hint as to what he was up to!!
I think that once I’m in a functional relationship again, and trust is built, it will be completely different. Hopefully you’re already starting to find this out too.
Janet´s last blog post…Wasn’t it more fun when "Love Connection" was a TV show and not my actual life? And also, I may have bad dating karma now.
Simply put, keep your thoughts from things that are past and done; for thinking of the past wakes regret and pain.
Rachel trusting doesn’t come easy for me, either, but if I compared every guy to my ex and/or expected them to act in the same manner two things would happen: 1) I’d drive myself nuts and 2) I’d never have a successful, committed, loving relationship.
You have to have confidence in yourself, and give Mr. Lucky the benefit of the doubt, until he gives you reason not to trust him.
Yeah, this is a toughie for me as well. My ex cheated on me at least twice, and the only other significant boyfriend I had left me for his ex-wife, whom he’d been “reconnecting” with behind my back!
Now I’m with this amazing guy, and I can’t imagine him betraying me like that… And yet I can’t imagine him *not* betraying me, either. I only know betrayal. Some sick part of me is just waiting for it; waiting to hear that he’s secretly in love with his ex-wife or an old girlfriend… or that he’s met someone else, someone new…
It’s ridiculous. I *know* it’s ridiculous. If you met him, you would also know that it’s ridiculous. He loves me. He’s a good guy. He would never…
And yet, there it is. I like to think that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I’ll let my guard down and stop worrying and just accept his love at face value.
Carolyn´s last blog post…I Hate to Judge, But Come ON!!
Hi Rachel! This might be slightly off topic, but I believe it does boil down to loyalty. My ex-husband (of 10 years ago!) remained BEST friends with his ex – a woman who was remarried and lived 1000 miles away from us. Though he wasn’t physically with her – he sure was emotionally! The fact that he confided in her and talked to her on the phone nearly every week – especially about things that he didn’t talk to me about – killed me! I considered his relationship with her a sort of emotional cheating!!! To me, being loyal isn’t just about being loyal physically – it also includes being loyal (and available) emotionally. It IS a biggie – like all the previous commentators said. Loyalty, hmmm…..
Alicia´s last blog post…What Am I? Other Than Odd?
For some odd reason and despite my history of being betrayed – I’m a pretty trusting person. I have put my trust in people I shouldn’t have but generally I trust until given reason not to. I’m loyal to a fault though so it’s hard not to expect others to be as well but I always go in to a relationship expecting the best instead of the worst…not that it has worked out well for me but I still think it’s the way to go. And yes, it is your own baggage that makes you not trust. Sounds like LG is pretty aware though and doesn’t take it personally – which is great.
MindyMom´s last blog post…My Ten Honest Things
I have been through my share of betrayals, but those are problems with those people, not with me. I have learned that I am not responsible for fixing people and I am not responsible for their happiness. Someone that cheats is unhappy and has some serious issues. It hurts, but you have to remember that you are a fantastic person and that not everyone is like that person that lied to you.
You may or may not like the music group The Killers, but they have a song called Mr. Brightside. The song, in my opinion, talks about a person that is struggling with trust and jealousy. They talk about a scene that keeps replaying in his head, but he says:
“Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head”
It really is all in your head. If my mind starts down that path, I think of the song…I happen to really like the music too.
Trust is a gift you give someone. If they throw it away, it really is their loss. You can give it to someone else, but that person that threw it out can never really get that gift back.
Besides, why let the people that hurt you keep hurting you? The best revenge is a life well lived right?
Crazy Computer Dad´s last blog post…Speaker for the Dead…
I had some trust issues when Guns and I first started seeing each other. He would take his gals on vacation with his ex-wife still. He had lots of close female friends. He had a “work spouse.” Then one day my therapist pointed out that some jealousy is good jealousy. It means you are emotionally invested and care. Ask him if he is jealous of any of your relationships with guy friends. He turned out Guns was! We are both very social and have loads of friends! As we merged our two worlds together this disappeared. We hosted lots of parties where we merged our two groups of friends which took the edge off. Eventually, you will reach a point where you start going to work functions together. Imagine my surprise when I met his “work spouse” for the first time and she told me she was thrilled he was finally coming to her to ask for relationship advice (about me!)
And a little jealousy is healthy. Always keep each other on your toes! You’ll never take each other for granted!
Whoa, Bonnie, a “work spouse.”
That’s a first. Then again, you often bring firsts to my blog… thanks.
Some jealously is good, I think!
It means that you still have the capacity for skepticism, that you’re awake and tuned in to your relationship. Which is important for all aspects of the relationship to function! You don’t want to slip into taking each other for granted in any way.
My own issue is trusting too much the guy I’m with–to the point of excusing EVERYTHING, even the most obvious signs. My ex husband was a huge philanderer for years and years, and I was literally the last to know. I didn’t want to see the obvious because my own ego wouldn’t permit me to (a man cheat on wonderful me?!? me, with a cheater?! unbelievable!)
You having blinders on (or not) has nothing to do with whether he actually cheats or not. It just determines whether you’ll notice if he does!
My only piece of advice is: if he brags about how he isn’t cheating, and if he does this without you even expressing any worry about it, if he makes a big deal about how “good” he’s being while he’s away from you: this means he *is* cheating. Be wary of the man who protests to much.
I go through this every day. I was raised around cheating parents and then dated someone that cheated so the scars are there BIG AND BOLD for me. I trust that my husband isn’t the cheating type, but I catch myself being irritated and picking fights every time that demon raises it’s ugly head and he raises it often. It is a daily battle for me.
Danielle´s last blog post…Not your average "pick a color" kinda place
First this statement “about serving someone coffee in bed and leaving love notes” is romantic but not about trust
Simply, trust is difficult once trust was broken in the past. you will learn to trust eventually, but probably always have a bit of a twinge once in a while. It is ok. Lucky Guy, will earn it and make you feel you can trust him with continued examples of his loyalty to you.
Don’t beat yourself up. You are aware of your feelings so you can now feel them, then move on and talk sweet nothings into his ear on the phone.
Barry´s last blog post…Reading Single Parent Blogs Could Save Marriages
You know, trust is a hard one for me, too. I have to constantly remind myself that CBG is NOT any of the people that have betrayed my trust in the past.
I am amazed, too, by HIS ability to trust me…he knows my past, and he knows that I haven’t always acted (with others) in the most trustworthy of ways…but he has said to me, “I will trust you until you give me a reason NOT to.” I feel like I have been given an amazing gift in that…not only in the trust, but in that way of seeing things. So when I find myself going down that road of mistrust in my mind, I simply remind myself of his words.
Momma Sunshine´s last blog post…Happiness
Oh, I am right there with you, sweetie. I am very lucky in that Mr. V gives me a lot of validation without me having to ask for it. Apparently I need those “words of affirmation” (love language) to feel reassured that he is mine. He has a ton of girlfriends but I’m not as threatened by them as I was by my ex who didn’t have girlfriends but was a huge flirt (and cheated). That said, one of Mr. V’s fantasies involves a night with someone else (specific type of person). He has said that would be a great gift to him someday but that he would never, ever, EVER cheat on me (i.e., without my knowledge). Now I’m not sure I could ever buy that type of present for him and then trust that he wouldn’t want to keep purchasing over and over but I sure do appreciate his honesty. I’d rather be able to tackle these things head-on than find out after-the-fact, especially the way I did with my ex (STDs both times).
Like some of your previous posters, I’ve been cheated on multiple times by different men. At what point does being cautious about trust with a new partner just become good sense? I’d like to think that each person I’m with is *not* the guy before and deserves a fresh start. But then I give him that trust and I get cheated on again. When it happens over and over, I have to think several things: 1) many (most?) men cheat; 2) I’m not good at choosing men; and 3) there’s something wrong with me that I give my trust so freely.
I’ve started holding back now in my relationships, almost assuming, as Carolyn wrote, that the other shoe will drop soon. I know it’s not healthy, but I also know it’s better to be in self-preservation mode than to ever be sandbagged by a cheater again. I’m with somebody seemingly wonderful right now, who says he was also cheated on. I’d like to think his pain from that experience (assuming it’s true, and I’ve been lied to about that by other men too!) will keep him from ever inflicting a similar situation on me. Any other women out there who have been cheated on dating men who have been cheated on too? Do you think it makes them less or more likely to cheat? Rachel, thoughts?
Priscilla: GREAT question!! “Are there other women out there who have been cheated– who are dating men who have been cheated on too? Do you think it makes them less or more likely to cheat?”
I’m not sure about the “less or more likely” part… but I can say that my guy has also experienced being cheated on. So, as crazy as I feel when I share my fears with him, he DOES listen and seem to “get it.”
I’d love to hear from other women who are dating: do you think that being with a man who has also experienced infidelity make make him more empathetic?
Men, feel free to chime in here, too! Thanks.
i have struggled with trust issues for a very long time. i still try to pinpoint the exact cause, and i am left shaking my head.
i have dated the cheaters, the alcoholics, the “players”… i have even had long term relationships with some of them. i think, for me, it was a matter of KNOWING how badly those people had hurt me in the past, and not wanting to go through that pain again. therefore, i have been known to have this ‘great’ knack for building walls, and pushing people away.
i have been working on that. a lot. especially since i left my ex over 3 years ago (the alcoholic). i just have to keep reminding myself to take a step back and breathe. every man i date is not out to get me, and every man is not going to break my heart (unless i allow him to). it is a work in progress. i definitely feel your pain though.
Dana´s last blog post…the (in)conveniences of modern technology
What you are talking about isn’t about loylaty…but insecurity…yours. You know I am a huge fan of YOU! But this is about your fears and your insecurities. At the end of the day all you can do is stand in your own fidelity. Be true to what you say you are committed to.
He cannot and should not be painted with the brush dipped in poision from past loves. He cannot be the whipping boy for all things possible in infidelity and disloyalty. Check yourself and calm your fears. Nothing in his interactions with you screams he is dis-loyal.
Flirting is something else…it is natural, normal and ought to be done on a regular basis. Don’t get it twisted, we all want to feel attractive beyond the spell of those that love us.
Loyalty is someone who stands with you when everyone else runs away. Loyalty is when someone defends you as a person while others lead the charge of cruxifiction. Loyalty is when someone sees something that could be better but is content with what you bring to the loveship.
Lovebabz´s last blog post…TANGO SUEÑO…TANGO LESSON #3
Exactly, Lovebabz: this is about MY fears and insecurities. It’s hard to put it out there for that reason… because I know this is mine to carry. Thank you for reminding me to be true to myself.
As Lovebabz says, it’s all about your insecurities … and maybe your own ability (or lack?) of being mindful when choosing a partner.
Often, the signs are there; we just aren’t paying attention because we’re more focused on what we want him to be.
But as others here have said, it isn’t good or fair to hold over him other people’s misbehavior.
And, of course, there are never any absolutes in life, but if we don’t open our heart anyway to the possibilities, we’ll never know what we can have (and, oddly, I’m talking about infidelity myself this week, and standing by your man … or not).
Kat Wilder´s last blog post…It’s easy to stumble when you’re standing by your man
Been there done that! My BF before my Husband, cheated on me, and when I started dating my hubby I feared being cheated on again. It was a growing up process for me and it can be done. Let go of your insecurities…and don’t punish LG for what others have done to you in the past. It’s not fair to LG and not fair to your relationship. Good Luck! XX
Yup a “work spouse.” That is what I had to deal with early on. The woman he went to see in the middle of the day to talk about office issues and cases they worked on together! “WHOA or WTF?” is what I wanted to scream when he first brought her up on our second date. But after a bit I realized I like his work spouse (maybe it helped that she is married) because Guns doesn’t bring home a lot of “work stress or issues” with him. We certainly share our days and troubles, but I don’t get a stormy tirade when the ___ hits the fan at work. Which it does a lot because he is the head litigator for one of the major banks.
He had to deal with me having very close guy friends, too! It runs both ways!
Guns gets along really well with woman. Most of his close friends are woman. It took me a while to get comfortable with this. But I also adore that he is a very good communicator as result. He tolerates living with four gals! The guy is surrounded 24/7!
One more thing . . .Imagine Guns having to work with my ex-boyfriend, an architect, when we redesigned my house to fit our new family in! Let’s just say some of the conversations around the master suite were uncomfortable to say the least!
Wow, Bonnie, I’ve got ask you about that one! The only time I’ve seen LG jealous is when he was away on a business trip and I asked the contractor ex-boyfriend to look at the foundation of the house I was going to bid on…. Uncomfortable!
Amazing that you hired your ex to redesign your home.
I think it’s all about two things, our expectations and our embracing of relationship cycles.
1) Expectations. If we dwell on the fact that someone may be disloyal because an ex was, then we will attract just that. Even if we don’t want it.
If the person you are with is loyal, those negative thoughts and distrust will ultimately ruin the relationship.
One of my concepts is that we all have a “magnetic mojo”, a core that attracts our greatest desires–as well as our greatest fears! Master this and you can have anything you want.
2) Relationship cycles. One of the things I ask students who fear losing someone they love is “Are you still with the first person you loved?” Since most of the women I work with are over 30, the answer is likely to be NO.
How does this tie in with the fear of someone being disloyal? The best way to get over fear of being cheated on or hurt by a man is understanding the concept of “reason and season”. I teach that everyone is in our lives for a reason and a season.
There are people who are meant to be in our lives for 1 day and others for a lifetime. People come and people go–a natural ebb and flow. There is a valuable lesson to be learned in each encounter. While it is painful to lose someone, just trust that the next relationship will be even better. That person is no longer helping you grow or blessing your life, so they must leave.
Taking sufficient time to deal with the pain and let go is crucial. Once that is done, you can clear the slate and move on to a more fabulous future. If you skip placing a reason on that season and letting it go in love, then you will forever bring plagues from the past into your present.
When I learned to do all of this, moving on became easier. I understood that there was risk in love and that it may or may not work out, but I was going to enjoy the present to the MAX!
Yes, the baggage we carry is OURS alone and to be dealt with alone (not involving new partners). No one can throw it out for us, but they sure can get dirty if we let it sit around, lol!
About loyalty. Loyalty is about being dependable and showing up in the ways you promised you would. It is about being faithful physically, mentally and emotionally.
Loyalty is a big responsibility because it can also cause pain. If we have second thoughts or are no longer in love, then we have a duty as loyal partners to tell the person we are with. This is where many of us drop the ball because we are afraid to hurt the other person and are cowards.
Your wonderful post inspired me to write a novel here, LOL! Thanks and keep sharing with us!
Wishing you magnetic love & success!
Rhonda
@MagneticWoman
Rhonda´s last blog post…How to Speak Italian and Make Love to a Ducati
Trust is always tough at the beginning of a relationship. You have to learn to let your guard down.
Mocha Dad´s last blog post…Car Conversations
I sometimes wish we could have started fresh with a new house and new neighborhood, but we had to do what what was best for all the girls. They were all very cemented in their schools and the neighborhood we live in already. At least the redesign made it feel like a fresher start, but it was hard on everyone to make new routines in already established home at first.
We ended with the ex architect bc every time we took a walk or looked around at architects Guns loved his work the most! he is really talented and one the best green architects in our city.
Working with the ex-boyfriend for the most part was great! We always stayed very close friends. Our breakup was over him not feeling like he could provide or possibly be ready for family life. He respected and understood why I ended it. I think he was very happy to see us having the family life that I really wanted.
I suppose for Guns the most uncomfortable part was that my ex knew a lot about me. He knew without asking that I would want a drawing studio space, a vegetable garden, etc. He built those into the design as a surprise.
He dove into the project! And he designed us an amazing green home. I would say the most uncomfortable moment was when Guns was tactfully trying to explain that even though it wasn’t green that he wanted a double shower in the master bath. He was like “”listen, dude, we have 3 kids it’s the only place we can talk to each other and uh . . . be alone!”
It all worked out well. I have learned just hand all the still friends exes a beer, invite them in and just have some fun! At our age we all have them!