He wants to make me a bed

by singlemomseeking on June 22, 2009

I love my new home. Because it’s much smaller than my previous place, however, I spent weeks purging.

Fortunately, a yard sale covered the cost of moving. That Lucky Guy was quite the salesman! He enthusiastically helped sell my 10-year-old stereo, my rugs, lots of books, toys… and my bed frame:

bed

If you’ve read my book, you might remember that I bought this bed frame back in 2003 (pictured here). Let’s just say that this frame has a lot of history.

It made me giddy to sell it to a sweet little lady — who was clearly past 70 — after she got a ride from someone at church to my yard sale. Isn’t that sweet?

~~~

But back to that boyfriend — whom I haven’t written about in a while — and my bed.


Getting a new bed is very meaningful, don’t you agree?

On a recent afternoon, I took M — who loves interior decorating –  to IKEA where she spotted this bed. “Mom, look!”

Indeed, it is perfect for my new little bedroom. It even has storage underneath:

bed-ikea

When I later showed the bed to the Lucky Guy, he really liked it, too. Yeah! But I could see his mind turning.

“I could make that!” he said. One of his passions — in addition to science, cycling, and cooking — is making furniture. He made his own bed, as well as many tables, bookshelves, a bench… well, he’s simply an incredible woodworker.

“I want to make you a bed,” he said.

Me: “You do?”

Him: “Yes, just like the one from IKEA, with storage, maybe even a secret drawer–”

Me: “Stop!”

Him: “I’m serious.”

Me: “Wow, that’s incredibly generous–”

When he ran off to find his sketchbook, I got scared.

First, it has never been easy for me to accept big gifts. I have many fears around finding strings attached and owing favors. (Does this resonate with any of you?)

Besides, a bed is so significant. It is more than just piece of furniture. It’s where you sleep, rest, and you know…. A bed symbolizes a foundation.

“Let me make you a deal,” he said. “Think of this as our bed. I’m making it for both of us.”

Our bed? I love, love, love the sound of that…. but I’m afraid to accept his lavish offer. At the moment, I’m still sleeping on my mattress and box springs. I’ve gone back to IKEA once more to look at the bed in the showroom.

What do you think? Am I just over-analyzing here? (You know how I can get!) Should I accept his offer?

Or, just go to IKEA and buy a bed on my own? Help.


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{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }

noringsattached June 22, 2009 at 4:57 pm

I think you should accept the bed. It sounds like he really enjoys making furniture and would be thrilled to make something so special for you. I understand your hesitation but on this one-I say accept it!

noringsattached´s last blog post…I Know, I Know…

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judy June 22, 2009 at 5:11 pm

I would accept the bed as a gift from him however I would not accept it as “our bed”

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Bill June 22, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Are you kidding?? Accept his wonderful offer. As a fellow woodworker, I understand the passion involved and to want to make something for the special person in your life. But at the same time don’t over analyze it. There don’t have to be strings attached to everything generous.

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Legal Editor Mom June 22, 2009 at 5:31 pm

Oh Rachel, accept the darn bed and stop over-analyzing everything! Of course if/when the relationship ends you may not want the memories, but then you can always go to Ikea or wherever and buy your own bed then.

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Maria @BOREDmommy June 22, 2009 at 5:34 pm

ACCEPT IT!!! He made a point of saying that he wanted to make it for the both of you – I think that means alot and says alot about how he feels about you! Screw IKEA!

Maria @BOREDmommy´s last blog post…For the Love of Reading

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Kari June 22, 2009 at 5:45 pm

Accept the bed!!!

If you want offer to buy the supplies ;)

Men like to make us things with their hands and it is very meaningful and makes them feel useful. Let him feel useful and like Legal Editor Mom says you can always buy a new one if the relationship were to end… which I’m certainly hoping it doesn’t ;)

Kari´s last blog post…What kind of parent (or single parent really…) are you?

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Mike June 22, 2009 at 6:22 pm

Accept the bed. If you two break up you can still get your Ikea bed. We may not be able to kill a sabertooth tiger anymore for you, but we can make furniture. I use to like making stuff for my ex.

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Bad Mummy June 22, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Take him up on the offer! But do offer to buy the supplies.

I have a similar bed with drawers underneath and they are perfect for hiding my sex toys!

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Honoree June 22, 2009 at 6:53 pm

Accept the bed. If it works out, all is well. If it doesn’t, you can do a giveaway and fill the drawer with books. :) Sometimes people are just good and want to go good things because they can. Open up and allow the good!

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Martini Mom June 22, 2009 at 7:19 pm

I would take the bed.

Actually, I wouldn’t. I would do exactly what you’re doing.

But from the outside looking in, I’m definitely saying: TAKE THE BED.

I totally get wondering about the strings attached to a gift. But I’m guessing that you trust this gift from this man to be purely out of the goodness of his heart. And I bet it would make him feel so great to be able to help you out. Building something for you with his own two hands? How incredible would that feel? I’m sure he’d be honored.

Here’s the thing: I think us single mommies have, by necessity, gotten very used to being completely self-reliant. Probably *too* used to it for some of us. (I’m speaking of myself here.) Sometimes accepting a gift or help can be scary because it feels like we’re losing some of our independence in doing so; that if we didn’t do it by ourselves, it’s somehow less.

Less what? I don’t know exactly. Just… less.

But letting go and just trusting that someone wants to do something kind for you, no strings, just because he thinks you’re amazing and thinks you deserve it? I think you might surprise yourself and find that you really like the way that feels.

I don’t know how much of this comment applies to your situation. I might actually be talking more to myself than you at this point. But I hope my point didn’t get garbled along the way.

And I hope you take the bed.

Martini Mom´s last blog post…Doggie Rescue, Day 3: The Vet

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singlemomseeking June 22, 2009 at 10:13 pm

Martini Mom: Your comment really resonates with me.

It’s amazing how trust feels o connected to this decision. But it is.

This line of yours really hit home: “Sometimes accepting a gift or help can be scary because it feels like we’re losing some of our independence in doing so; that if we didn’t do it by ourselves, it’s somehow less.

Less what? I don’t know exactly. Just… less.”

I’m trying to get over that.

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Alicia June 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm

Hehe – wow! Well, I’d love to be the commentor to go against the tide and say – buy the IKEA bed, BUT…. I’m gonna say accept his offer to make you a bed for this reason alone:

In my few relationship experiences, I would never ever accept anything that a guy offered – not the little things, not the big things. Partly because I too was afraid of the strings attached thing that you mentioned, and partly because I was just too proud, stubborn, and independent to accept anything that I didn’t buy/earn/create myself. And I truly think now in hindsight that this killed several great relationships.

Guys NEED to be NEEDED, and appreciated. They need their woman to allow them to be the providers that they are. I think its a testosterone thing…? At any rate, whatever their special skill or talent – be it cooking or woodworking or money-making or blogging – they need to feel that by giving it to you they are providing and fulfilling a need.

I guess I got waaaaaay off topic, but I think Lucky Guy needs to create this bed for you and needs you to appreciate it! Let him provide! Let him be the man! Let him work wood! (Pun intended.)

No strings attached. Sounds like he really loves you! I’m excited for you!

Alicia´s last blog post…Some Random Things I’ve Learned

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singlemomseeking June 22, 2009 at 9:20 pm

@Alicia re: “Work wood.”

Oh my, you’ve got me on the floor with that one.

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T June 22, 2009 at 8:04 pm

Awww. So his love language is “acts of service”?

What a wonderful gesture! And of course I can understand your hesitancy. What if??? Then there are memories…

But that old bed frame had some memories too, didn’t it?

Heh. Alicia said “work wood.”

T´s last blog post…Isolation

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Kat June 22, 2009 at 8:30 pm

Let him make you the bed.
I understand your worry, but the gesture he’s making is an incredible statement of love.
He wants to make your bed, his bed, the couple’s bed, and that says something.

His name may be Lucky Guy, but really, you seem to be the lucky one here.

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singlemomseeking June 22, 2009 at 9:18 pm

Indeed, Kat: his name is a running joke in my head… because I feel like the Lucky Gal here. I was trying to be ironic?

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avigail74 June 22, 2009 at 8:37 pm

I’ll support whatever decision you make about the bed—BUT wait, you’ve been into feng shui lately—it’s a big NO NO to have anything under the bed, including storage drawers! It blocks energy from freely moving around and can affect your…ahem…sex life! Ask your feng shui friend!

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SingleParentDad June 22, 2009 at 11:58 pm

As someone who used to work for IKEA in my youth – just a customer now – I would recommend you get the fella to knock a bed together. You are possibly over analysing, but that doesn’t matter, while it may feel it, a bed isn’t permanent.

SingleParentDad´s last blog post…Bonkers

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MC June 23, 2009 at 4:05 am

Me? I’d probably refuse…and sleep on my mattress on the floor for a year, and THEN let him make me a bed (if he’s still around and I want him to stay longer!) If he’s the right guy, he’d realize that when I finally let him make me (us?) a bed, that would really mean something.

What should you do? I think only you know that. You seem to attach symbolic importance to the question, so I think you should honor your feelings about the symbolism. Even if other people wouldn’t have those same feelings, even if he doesn’t himself.

What would it mean *to you* that you let him make you a bed? Do you want him half-moved-into your own space at this point in your relationship? Do you want him to symbolically “own” your bedroom? Even though you’re not living together? If so, why *aren’t* you living together already, then, actually?

He may not see it in any of those ways (he may just like to make things, like several people here have suggested), but perhaps you do–and if so, I think that your own feelings about it are crucial for you to take into account.

So, I think you should honor your feelings about the symbolism of his gift–not how many $ it costs, not what he thinks it symbolizes, but what you think it symbolizes.

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Lovebabz June 23, 2009 at 4:25 am

Gurl…let that man make you a bed…a desk and whatever else. I am sure he doesn’t get twisted when you make him pancakes! LOL!

My friend painted my room…at first I was like oh no no, but he insisted and now I am glad I yielded.

Yield…surrender. You are not selling your soul for a bed…you may however have to let him get in it with and without you :)

Lovebabz´s last blog post…TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: HIGH DEFINITION

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John F June 23, 2009 at 4:26 am

Hey to me the mattress is the personal decision!

Accept it. They guy wants to do it for you. Apparently he is talented enough to do it. He offered to solve one of your problems with a “secret drawer”.

Stop overanalyzing it buy a few bottles of wine for the weekend and tell him to go get his hammer and saw!

John F´s last blog post…A Chatty Cathy

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Jim Everson (Depot Dad) June 23, 2009 at 5:10 am

Just a bed? Ha! Tell him you will accept the bed IF he also converts your detached garage into a hip writer’s studio.

Jim Everson (Depot Dad)´s last blog post…Hangin’ With Depot Dad #2

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debra June 23, 2009 at 6:51 am

I’m with MC. Though I know how the vocalization of ‘our bed’ surely made your stomach and heart flip flop, I’d wait. A bed is very personal for some people; it would seem it is for you. It’s not like you don’t have a bed. When it is truely your bed together, let him make it. I would leave the possibility open by not buying another bed in the meantime, but not accept his offer of ‘our bed’ until you’re ‘there.’

debra´s last blog post…Ground Zero

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Bill June 23, 2009 at 7:36 am

Oh, I want to add on here. Accept the bed, but tell him you want a huge sleigh bed. Really test his skills here!!

ok, just kidding. take the bed though. Add some hooks to the four corners too!

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Single Mom Paying Off Debt June 23, 2009 at 7:46 am

Totally accept it !! What a sweet offer !!!

Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog post…Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!

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MindyMom June 23, 2009 at 7:56 am

Yeah, you’re overanalyzing. Let him make you the bed. It is a very nice gesture and very sweet. (he’s making your “love nest”) and hey, if things dont work out; it’s just a bed.

I’ve had the same bed for 15 years. I’ve been divorced for 7 so yes my ex husband slept in it as well as the men who followed. But I love my bed and so do my kids and at least the bed is a constant in my life (albeit with a history). ;)

MindyMom´s last blog post…PMS: The Emotional Tourette’s

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Allison June 23, 2009 at 8:03 am

It’s sometimes easier to be the giver of a big gift than the recipient. Learning how to receive graciously is something I still struggle with! I want to make other people happy by giving. It makes me wonder if perhaps I feel I’m not worth a big gift myself. I would say accept it.

Allison´s last blog post…A Girl’s Night Out

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judy June 23, 2009 at 8:16 am

I think T is right..he is an acts of service guy

Rachel read Five Love Languages and figure out how you give love and how you receive love

I read the teen one and it put a whole new perspective on mine and Jena’s relationship..made it sooo much better

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singlemomseeking June 23, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Thank you for this one, Judy. I just browsed Gary’s site: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

It all sounds so simple when you read it like that, in a list….

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Aunt Marge June 23, 2009 at 10:17 am

Hi Rachel,
Old Aunt Marge here. Been a while since I read your blog and find this one fun. I agree with Kat. Let this amazing, generous, caring young man do this for you. It is obvious that he is a “giver”….you ARE the LUCKY GIRL! I think this whole aspect of being on the receiving end is so unique for you that is why you are confused about your decision. Relax, smile and say “YES”. Then make him a wonderful dinner and give him flowers.
Lots of Love,
Aunt Marge

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singlemomseeking June 23, 2009 at 2:39 pm

For anyone who is curious, Aunt Marge is a real, live family member…. yeah, I know. (I DO love your advice, Marge!! And thank you for all of your thoughtful emails on the side, just when I need them. xoxo)

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untyingtheknot June 23, 2009 at 11:15 am

Once upon a time it was my ultimate fantasy that I would meet a man who would marry me and build a bed for us as his wedding gift to me.

You lucky girl. Accept this fairy tale offer.

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Katherine SOLOdotmom June 23, 2009 at 11:46 am

Ok I think you should take the bed. But not as “Our bed.”

And I do understand the analyzing… i would be questioning the strings attached scenario here as well… but a gift is a gift and if it doesn’t work out – give him back the bed… you are no worse off than you are now… then you can go to Ikea. Right?

Katherine SOLOdotmom´s last blog post…Last Week’s Memorable Moment

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Barry June 23, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Hey Rachel, ACCEPT THE BED! My kids accuse me over analyzing. Do you think it is a yid thing? Relax, say Wow, awesome thanks so much!

Word of caution, if he includes satin sheets…..give the bed back…..umm…..maybe :)

Barry´s last blog post…My Dad is the Real Dad

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Canadian Bald Guy June 23, 2009 at 4:03 pm

I’m in the “I think you’re over-analyzing” camp.

Accept the bed. Enjoy the gift.

:-)

Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…My Father’s Day fall-out

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