This post is for a reader named Molly who commented yesterday:
“I miss your posts about your personal life. Now that you have a boyfriend you’re all secretive and sh@*!”
Me? Secretive?
I’m not sure if any of you have read that poem “A Secret Life,” by Stephen Dunn?
My favorite part goes like this:
“When you write late at night
it’s like a small fire
in a clearing, it’s what
radiates and what can hurt
if you get too close to it.
It’s why your silence is a kind of truth.
Even when you speak to your best friend,
the one who’ll never betray you,
you always leave out one thing;
a secret life is that important.”
So, dear Molly, it’s close to midnight, and here are some random details from my secret life:
The first text that Lucky Guy sent to me after our first date — we had lunch at a tapas restaurant — said:
“Time seems to just slip away when I’m with you.”
Amazingly, time continues to “just slip away.” Within two weeks after that first lunch, he was bringing me warm lattes in the afternoon. Then, he was calling me a “hot chick” in spinning class.
Before you knew it, the electrical plug on my vacuum cleaner broke (tragic, right?), and he said, “I’ll fix it.”
A few hours later, it was fixed. Indeed, he’s also responsible for putting a lock on my bedroom door, which included welding and making a key.
We share long hugs without letting go and and cook dinner together sometimes (recently: salmon, salad, brown rice, wine). But most of all, we crack each other up, talk for hours — and are learning how to trust each other.
So, what’s the problem, you wonder?
It’s simple: I’m tired.
Between my spirited nine-year-old darling, work, deadlines, school lunches, dishes in the sink, bills, house hunting, and this man whom I’m falling hard for… I’m spent.
How do you balance it all? I’m trying to be true to myself, and to ask for what I need: mother-daughter quality time, the space to work, healthy meals, exercise, sleep. Of course, I’m enjoying it all! But dang, this mama is exhausted.
If you have any advice at all, I’m all ears. In the meantime, I’m off to bed. Sweet dreams.
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I stay in a constant happy-tired state. I get done what I can. Things get dropped (like not reading and writing blogs as much), but I try not to let anything get too far behind.
Crazy Computer Dad´s last blog post…hmmmm….just randomness….
Congrats on the newly-found happiness in your life, Rachel. So far, he sounds like a great guy.
I can’t weld to save my life…
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…Happy International No Diet Day!!
The inherent problem with blogging is that internet offers a false sense of intimacy. You have a right to actually live things and not blog about them. Never apologize for living your life and not blogging about it — or for being tired because you have a lot going on. By actually doing what you’ve been writing about (dating, meeting someone and moving forward) you’re setting a good example. I understand people want the scoop — and that interest in what you do creates a buzz around the blog and bloggers want that. Honestly, with everything going on with you right now — and there’s lots we know of and probably lots we don’t — blogging *should not* be your priority.
Amy Sue Nathan´s last blog post…Authors are multi-talented (and funny)
I agree with Amy Sue Nathan’s advice!
You’re expressing exactly what I’m afraid of. I can’t figure out how a relationship will fit in to my already busy life.
Not that I have to worry about that right now!
But thank you for making moments for me… for being my friend from so far away… and for your consistent love and support.
He is definitely the lucky one.
T´s last blog post…Tantrums
I actually like the mix of posts about dating and other single-mommy issues! Not sure if you remember but I am in a similar boat as you (and have been for nine months now) but in a long distace relationship. During the past 2 months my biological Father died, I found myself in throws of grief which almost destroyed my relationship with my man. Through grief counseling, I also discovered I am codependant (alluded to in yesterdays post!). I am doing great: lots of work but changes by leaps and bounds.
We are still taking it week by week but I feel like we are headed out of the grayness. Trying to balance my non-relationship needs while dealing with the monkey wrench’s life’s thrown at me lately has exhausted me too! Call me crazy but if a relationship makes it through the ups/downs of our single-parent lives I would imagine its fodder for a good marriage! I keep reminding myself 2 things:
1. I have 2 primary responsibilities daily,addressing my needs and my daughters. Everything else is secondary.
2. There is rarely a interaction with my boyfriend that needs to happen today; all the stuff you mentioned needs to happen and if he’s the right guy (which he sounds like) it can wait until tomorrow. Get your sleep!
Finding balance as a working mom-blogger-lover-friend-person with her own need is tough. Sometimes it seems like you throw it all up in the air and whichever starts falling first is the one you pay attention to.
There is no magic formula other than taking care of yourself so you can be there for all the other needs.
And to stop feeling guilty about your choices. I’d say you’re doing great.
Kat Wilder´s last blog post…When in doubt, flirt
The “scheduled posts” function is your friend, Rachel. Use it for the stories about how you live your life.
That way the pressure is off to produce something right.then or even worse – to let your blog go completely silent
Emily´s last blog post…Epilogue
Emily: Thanks for being one of the readers who appreciates the silence, too. You’ve got to love “scheduled posts.” I agree!
It sounds like a good exhaustion to me! All of the things that are wearing you out are positive and stress-free. You are sleeping, exercising and getting quality time with those you care about. Good for you!
I’m happy for you and know that you will share what you feel is right at the right time.
MindyMom´s last blog post…The Man of My Dreams
Mindy Mom: Well, I’m trying my best to sleep, exercise and get quality time with my kid… intention, intention. Even if it doesn’t all happen when I want it to. Right?
Rachel, I’ve spent the last two years trying to figure out how to balance out the husband/family/career/house/PRECIOUS DAUGHTER <3 and I’ve realized something so critical. Schedule the things that need to be done. Wednesday and Sunday are ALWAYS, always laundry day. Tuesday is always clean all the bathrooms days. B has taken on a few more chores and gets allowance for them-it really helps! Most importantly I adhere to bedtimes like crazy. B can read in her bed, but she’s in that room by 8:30pm and all “tucked up” as she likes to say. And I get up a half hour early each morning so I can have leisurely coffee and get some reading time in. Time after B is in bed is reserved for the hubby and I to watch TV, have a glass of wine and chat and time before she wakes up is me time. Exercise means when I go running, B can choose to rollerblade or bike ride along side me. Hope this helps, you’ll find a system that works for you, BUT I will say I’m just tired lately too-it might be seasonal.
I’m with you on this post. Up late, followed by a 30 minute drive home, and then up at 6 AM to go running, and then I bike to work (or drive the kids to school at 7 AM). I’m not complaining, but I am tired. My coffee maker broke yesterday morning – that wasn’t good!
Now with a high schooler I am starting to catch up on sleep and am freer to juggle my time and desires with those “have to’s”
There is hope and it does come over time.
My friend Amy, got married when her DD was 8. She gave birth when she was 18, raised her alone and was working on a Master’s Degree. Her new hubby was wonderful. One of Amy biggest joy was she was now able to nap.
Rachel, I am happy and envious for you. You are not a tabloid seeker so keep private all you want. Be healthy
I wonder how I will manage it all with a relationship added to the mix. Although I want one, sometimes I think that one of the reasons I’ve abstained is that I worry about the juggling. I don’t want something to have to give, I want to be able to have it all. You seem to be doing a great job at it, I admire you! I’m so happy for you and your “Lucky Guy” he sounds marvelous. Gives me hope!
Erin´s last blog post…Dating my DVR
Sleep? What is that? … And i consider sleeping a well adored hobby. Hope I get to more of it soon. Yes juggling is what we do with children, their active lives, work, a home to maintain, a relationship budding… and it is good to eat “once in a while.” So juggling will continue… and someday… someday I will feel caught up on all that is going on and with sleep. Someday, but I am happy. Totally relate, Rachel. Thanks for sharing this.
I can relate! Dating, even if you’re really into the guy, can be soooo exhausting for a single mom.
For me, within a few weeks of dating a man, and even if I really like him, I still have to start carving out some “me” time. Otherwise I start to resent him more and more, get sharp with the kids, neglect my job etc. Of course, I might be more anti-social and less able to adapt than some women, but I’ve found that I have to have it.
It actually makes a useful litmus test—if he bitterly complains and doesn’t understand that he ranks below my kids, my job, and me on my list of priorities, I know he’s not for me.
If we turn out to be really long-term, his priority ranking might change, but not much–sorry! My kids, my health, my financial security (for my kids)–they all have to come first these days.
MC: Ha! This what I have NOT blogged about (yet?). You say:
“….within a few weeks of dating a man, and even if I really like him, I still have to start carving out some “me” time. Otherwise I start to resent him more and more, get sharp with the kids, neglect my job etc.”
So, true! More than ever, I need to be clear about what I need. And just like the next human being, carving out a corner for yourself every day is vital. Yes?
90% of everything in everyone’s life can take, at least, one step down. A phone call can be a text message or email. Friends who consume time can become people you see less often. Calculate a dollar amount for your time… then calculate if what you’re getting for your time is worth how much you’re NOT getting paid. Some friends… I press the “silent” button half the time. Some friends I let slip away. Some clients are too problematic… they become ex-clients.
It works beautifully. And when you find that everything is too important to downgrade… admit to yourself that you enjoy drama. You get a feeling of importance by being needed. That can be its own reward….
dhitt´s last blog post…
Rachel, finding a new and wonderful man has been wonderful…but I have had several secret and not-so-secret breakdowns trying to fit another person in my life. One of the hardest things for me was giving up my time alone. (And, no, I haven’t given it all up, but it’s been a challenge – because I DO want to spend time with him, too, of course!) I also had a hard time accepting help — even though it was one of the things I dreamed about when I was single!
All I can say is try not to stress over the little stuff*, let him continue to help you (because he definitely WANTS to – that is clear from all of the examples you’ve given), and enjoy your time with him. Also, be honest with LG if you need some “me time” or time with M.
J. and I have had to work through this, because we both have lived years independently, but I would not trade him in all the world.
*I’m so much better at giving others advice than listening to it myself
So, so happy things are going well for you two!
You have a boyfriend!? WTF!?! Boy, I’ve been out of the loop. Congrats, though, sounds great. So, have you two done the dirty deed?
oh, i can so relate…i have been dating the man of my dreams for about 6 months and i swear it just seems like time is literally flying. i have learned that i need a “new” normal. things have changed and so must my way of doing things. my advice take it day by day….
from the desk of…me´s last blog post…What’s your favorite emotion?
No advice from me, I’m afraid. I’m absolutely cream-crackered ALL the time, flying by the seat of my pants with this single parenting stuff. I have no idea how you manage to do all of what you’re doing without coming apart at the seams. I had to drop the dating game, because basically I’m too knackered. You rock, lady. My hat’s off to you.
badmuthablogger´s last blog post…Bunny comes a cropper
Badmuthablogger: I have 8 or so years on you, and I mean that in the most loving way. I didn’t manage a date until one year into single motherhood, and my second date was another year later…
It does get easier with time. Or maybe you just get used to managing it all.
You’re on your way. Really darling.
Lance: where have you been, man? Out of the loop.
I have not yet written the post about “the dirty deed.” Do you dare me?
Dude, if you’ve got a boyfriend right now? It’s the honeymoon stage, you should be ENJOYING it and that is your right! You’ve not been secretive! You have like 8,943 things going on in your life! *grin*
QTMama´s last blog post…I’m Just Sayin
The Politician
Teacups rattled the story
behind the façade of desires well into the night.
He knew her fear of aging bones,
alone, trembling
in the back bedroom.
Her reliance upon him
in disease and disaster.
He was there
filial in duty.
She cried out “Papa”
from the north, within,
pulling him from
one generation to the next.
Care taking.
Caring.
With exterior finesse
he remained steadfast
like chamomile tea,
allowing breath
to slowly resonate
into security
to those who listened.
She waited.
Her turn would come.
Too many secrets.
He always came.
After.
Windows shattered.
She never knew.
He never said good-bye.
Judy,
Wow, I had no idea that you wrote poetry. Thanks so much for posting this.
I’d love to know why you call it “The Politician,” although I imagine it’s a reference to a man who juggles to much, and presents a certain persona without always telling the whole truth?
This line resonates with me in its sadness:
“She waited.
Her turn would come.
Too many secrets.
He always came.
After.”
Thanks.
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post…Now that you have a boyfriend
thanks..your title assumption is correct~ of course~
I sent you an email with the full follow-up
How we all do it the best we can is nothing short of miraculous.
Rachel,
You’re tired because you were already doing so much and already have so little time for yourself. Now that he’s in, it’s time to start delegating! Involve him in your day to day activities and break things down into smaller chunks! That will make you less tired. And, no, me time every day is not feasible nor necessary…maybe 15 to 30 of quiet time. Rachel, don’t try to do it all…delegate!
No need for apologies–just have fun!
Janet´s last blog post…Eating alone?
I so hear you on this one Rachel. Tired is an understatement, and how you find time to do all you do is a miracle.
I know my time will come, too, but til then it’s exhaustion plain and simple.
So glad you’ve found happiness and secrets. . . the most important pieces are the ones you shouldn’t want to share. They’re your own to cherish.
BlueBella´s last blog post…Ghosts, Dating, Shaving & More!
@SMS: Hell YES I dare you. Hello, dirty sex post by Rachel Sarah, how about most popular post EVER. Make this happen!!
Lance´s last blog post…Vague Dissatisfactions
I know why you’re tired Rachel. You’re dating a Scorpio
Amy´s last blog post…Journal 126: March 2009 A Long Day