A boyfriend and a blog

by singlemomseeking on May 17, 2009

You’ll be proud of me:

In contrast to, uh, previous dating experiences, I did NOT tell this new guy about my blog on the first date. Or even on the second.

Yes, you can Google me in a snap, but during our first lunch date, I’d said to him:

“Could you please hold off from Googling me? It’s easy to find me, and I’d like you to know me offline first.”

And guess what? He respected my request.

I didn’t feel comfortable, however, hiding my blog from him for weeks on end. Eventually, I let this URL loose.

Little did I know that soon enough, his entire family — parents, sisters, and nieces — would soon Google me and discover this blog, too.

Which brings me to the question: How much should you share on your blog about someone you’re dating?


Recently, another blogger — Seth Simonds of The Dating Paperssuggested that if you’re blogging about a new, budding relationship, ”It can be helpful to have a ‘blog policy’ outlined ahead of time agreeing which things you’ll discuss on the blog and what will truly ‘stay at home.’ ”

A blog policy?

Seth hinted that he “didn’t have a blog policy,” and “because of it,” he “ended up with burnt fingers.”

“It provides a handy reference and something to rely on,” Seth added. “Just like best friends starting a business together do best with a contract, it simplifies things.”

Do I need a blog policy?

For the record, whenever I’m drafting a blog post, I either email or text the Lucky Guy to give him the head’s up about my topic. Although more than one published post has made him blush, “I think that you’ve been very respectful,” he told me.

“You mean because I haven’t written one negative thing about you?” I said.

Him: “Yeah, and you make everything sounds much better — and bigger.”

Then he added: “I trust you.”

~~~

I’d love to know: What do you think about “a blog policy” when it comes to someone you’re dating?

After all, one reader recently commented here that reading my recent emotional post made her feel “odd.”

~~~

On this topic, today at Singlemommyhood, a single mom blogger struggles with a similar issue:

Should I tell my boyfriend about my blog?”

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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

Honey May 17, 2009 at 10:28 am

I feel I can speak to this pretty well, as I started the blog after the BF and I had been dating a year and a half…and I started the blog with an ex boyfriend that the BF had never met.

There’s no real policy about what I can or can’t write about our lives, though I run things by him (kind of the way you describe) if I think that it’s iffy. The BF doesn’t really read my blog and I write under a pseudonym, so it’s not a big deal for us.

I (and he) slowly got more comfortable with me writing whatever I want…and I think it helped that it didn’t end up driving me back into Lance’s arms :-)

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Honey May 17, 2009 at 10:41 am
C May 17, 2009 at 10:48 am

Before I ever shared my blog link with Mr K, I did have a chat with him about it. I told him that while I wasn’t ready to share the link, I wanted to let him know that while I do write about my life (including my dating life), that I promised that I would never reveal private information about him and I would never write anything disrespectful. I also emailed him and asked if it was okay before writing about anything specific (I once quoted him, for example). I guess that was the “policy” we worked out.

C´s last blog post…When Do YOU Share Your Blog Link?

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singlemomseeking May 17, 2009 at 11:00 am

Thanks Honey and C!

Yes, being anonymous certain does give you more leeway, doesn’t it?

So far, re: “the policy,” he was embarrassed when I shared a text message on my blog… so I won’t cross that line again.

Can’t wait to hear from the rest of you on this one.

And if you don’t have a blog, do you ever find yourself thinking:

“He is really okay with Rachel writing ALL of this stuff here?”

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Eathan May 17, 2009 at 11:02 am

I’ve recently changed my blog policy. I’m reverting back to not telling them at all. The main reason is it can be difficult for some of the women in my life to read about my dates with others. And until I decide to narrow my dating to one person.. it causes problems and confusion.

Eathan´s last blog post…Interracial Sleep Over

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saint nobody May 17, 2009 at 11:05 am

I learned the hard way just how public my blog was–it took two separate incidences of visits by the exes of men I was seeing to provide the freak-out i needed to keep mum about dating. Sometimes I posted and then later removed the posts–at one point I was actually concerned it would be used as “evidence” in a custody battle. The urge to vent or share or connect in cyberspace had to be tempered with prudence and consideration of all involved.

Since then I have posted more generally about love and life, and single parenthood. I am starting a new blog just about this topic from a spiritual perspective (singleness-of-heart.blogspot.com) and will most likely write, at least generally, about some post-marriage relationships. Stay tuned…

saint nobody´s last blog post…love (two takes)

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singlemomseeking May 17, 2009 at 11:18 am

Yes, Saint Nobody, I’ve heard about this often: a blog being used as evidence in a custody battle. A HUGE issue… and I imagine that if you’re in the middle of a divorce, and blogging about a new love, this might come into play?

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lovebabz May 17, 2009 at 11:15 am

WHAT? WTF? Now I gotta consider a blog policy. UUGGH! (insert whining) I, like youcan be googled. It’s not hard to find me for real. I was hoping that I wouold gove aguy my url and let him read about me and then decide if he wanted to move along further with me. I have a lot of story. He’s got to be strong in himself to hang.

I must say it does give me pause. My EX read my blog and posted…furious! (i deleted that noise) I do believe he still comes by and lurks.

SIGH. I am interested in what other folks have to say on this…sigh.

lovebabz´s last blog post…THE MYTH OF UNHAPPINESS

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Canadian Bald Guy May 17, 2009 at 11:47 am

I think I’ve got a pretty unique insight to this topic.

My ex-girlfriend found me on my blog. She was a fellow blogger and that’s how we initially started talking.

Once we began dating, we thought it would be a unique idea to do a “joint blog”…where we would each write things about long-distance relationships and about each other and blah blah blah.

So needless to say, when we broke up it certainly made things awkward.

We both blogged a bit about each other. I stopped but she continued. It was nothing horrible, but it was still uncomfortable to read.

Knowing that we had fellow bloggers who knew about our “situation” made things even MORE awkward. I constantly felt like I was walking on egg-shells…careful about what I would say when all I really wanted to do was “release”.

At this point, the “joint blog” has long since been deleted.

The whole thing was fun as we dated, but was REALLY awkward once we stopped.

I’ve decided, going forward, to NOT tell anybody about my blog. I enjoy being anonymous (relatively speaking) and writing whatever it is that I want to write. And I don’t want to make anybody else feel uncomfortable, either.

I’m really happy for you, Rachel…and I hope Lucky Boy continues to be a solid part of your life. I don’t think you’ve crossed any lines yet, but just be wary going forward. If he’s not 100% comfortable with what you say about him (whether people know him or not), then that can certainly become an issue down the road.

Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…No complaints…

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saint nobody May 17, 2009 at 11:50 am

I’ve been fortunate in that it has not been an issue in my own divorce–perhaps because my ex was the initiator and it was not due to his wanting a relationship outside the marriage. This may sound strange (and some may find it unhealthy), but my ex is actually one of my strongest supporters in the trials and tribulations of dating! (I have, however, made him swear not to breathe a WORD to me about his dating experiences until and unless he is seeing someone seriously and wants to introduce the kids. Double standard, I know, but I know myself all too well. He seems fine with it.) Both of us are extremely committed to our children’s best interest (and to remaining friendly) and also want the best for each other–despite the stresses and strains this situation brings. Such, sadly, has not always seemed to be the case with other couples I have known.

saint nobody´s last blog post…love (two takes)

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Simone Grant May 17, 2009 at 12:22 pm

I have an (evil)ex that knows about my blog and he’s commented a few times (I deleted his posts immediately).

I’ve been pretty lucky in that none of the guys I’m actively dating have found it. Yet. I know it’s just a matter of time. And knowing that I try to make sure that nothing I write about anyone I’m seeing would hurt or embarrass them.

I’d actually love to “come out” to someone. My next real boyfriend? I think it would make my life much simpler.

Simone Grant´s last blog post…Loved & Lost Guy

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Amy Sue Nathan May 17, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Blog policy? Don’t blog about something you don’t want the entire World Wide Web to know. Simple. Or, something you don’t want opinions on. Think about it. If you and Lucky Guy *ever* argue and you blog even a teensy bit about not being happy with something — you are going to get blog readers chiming in all over the place. Do you want that? I think not. It’s different when you’re married I think and the blog comes after the marriage and kids and is something the spouse knows about – and you may agree to keep the marriage out of the blog. But with a blog about dating you’re kind of stuck. You can’t blog about dating if you don’t blog about your dating. You might want to shift the focus of your blog to something else — because you’re no longer SEEKING! But I’m sure you’ve thought of that already.

Amy Sue Nathan´s last blog post…Do you make assumptions?

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singlemomseeking May 18, 2009 at 9:36 am

Amy: You know that I always appreciate your two cents.

Here’s how I see it: as human beings, we’re always seeking… maybe we’re seeking a relationship, knowledge, our next shared meal, a quiet place to relax.

I really appreciate what Barry from Single Dad Life said at Singlemommyhood this week:

“If you can’t come clean about your blog, move on. If he is scared of you because you are open and honest on your blog, move on. Just get it over with, let him in to what you do for a life and enjoy the process. I am not saying you spill the beans when you first meet him at the door, but to find out your ‘secret life’ later and maybe scare him off, better early than later. Have fun together, and then talk about it. You might be surprised….”

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won May 17, 2009 at 1:54 pm

Can I respectfully disagree with the following idea darling Rachel?

“I’ve heard about this often: a blog being used as evidence in a custody battle.”

I belong to a group populated by lawyers who hand out legal advice all day long. It is a commonly held truth that internet blogging is not admissible in a court of law. The rationale behind that one person’s written word is not proof.

If I go to my blog and write….wait, thinking….that I shot up last night and then robbed a bank, well, maybe I’m just writing for attention and neither of those statements are true. Conversely if I were to write wonderful, loving things about my character and relationship with society and my child, but were really a bank robber and drug addict…well, the point is made. It’s unsubstantiated hearsay.

We really must always remember that blogs are not necessarily truth. (Except all of ours…of course…ha ha)

won´s last blog post…Friday Fragments

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singlemomseeking May 17, 2009 at 9:13 pm

Won: I know at least one single mom who shut down her blog because her ex was using her posts in court, as evidence to gain full custody. Although she had never said anything negative about him, she did say once in a while that she was tired/overwhelmed…. and her ex was attempting to use this against her.

I can’t speak from a legal point of view, however. I’m only relaying a consequence.

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Kari May 17, 2009 at 3:22 pm

Won, I’m really interested to hear more about that.

I belong to an internet message board where mothers there have had their messages show up in court and they have had many different reactions from the judge. Some of them are lashing dad for doing such a thing and some of them are lashing mom and even ruling in part based on internet message boards.

Maybe we can talk about this more if you’d be open to it. I’ve seen it be a grey area in court.

Kari´s last blog post…Let the talking begin…. Tweens/Teens and cell phones.

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BlueBella May 17, 2009 at 7:52 pm

This is a very interesting and timely topic for me, as a matter of fact. I’ve actually started dating someone (GASP!) that I really like and have basically felt like I can’t blog about the situation because so many of my friends now read me. . . and I just don’t want any details getting back to his ex. Call me selfish, but this is such a tender new start for me I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it or cause round-a-bout hassle for him. You don’t have the option of going anon here, but it’s something I’m really considering just so I can find a home again for my innermost thoughts. On the other hand, blogging was a release for my lonliness . . .but finding happiness is a much better use of my time.
I hope Lucky Guy knows just how special you are:)

BlueBella´s last blog post…Thursday Already?!

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singlemomseeking May 17, 2009 at 9:11 pm

Ah ha, Blue Bella, no wonder you’ve been so quiet!!

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judy May 17, 2009 at 8:52 pm

When this relationship is over and the next one begins, do you want the new guy reading the archives of the old guy?

IF I blogged you all would have had a nasty earful the last few weeks..what a jerk he was, which is why I don’t blog or I would have to follow some blogging golden rule which when stirred up with emotions can be unknowingly usurped too quickly.

I think blogging rules/etiquette between each other is respectful. It may change like when you can only come over when invited to you can knock on the door when ever you want to giving him his own key…

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singlemomseeking May 17, 2009 at 9:10 pm

Judy: you hit one of the nails on the head here. Indeed, if you tell someone you’re dating, “I have a blog,” he will most certainly read about an ex.

But this is how I see it: we’re all adults, we’ve lived lives before our paths crossed. At some point, exes are going to surface in a conversation. It’s his choice to read a blog’s archives — or not.

No one I was dating has read my book, because I warned him: “I cover a fair share of exes.”

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Seth Simonds May 18, 2009 at 3:04 am

1. Get threaded comments. If it’s not supported by your theme, install intensedebate’s plug-in and roll with that. It’s free and makes sense of conversations.

2. I got my “fingers burnt” in the most awkward way possible. Three weeks into a relationship and a misunderstanding crops up. I’m exhausted, she had a bad day. Typical stuff. Oh, but what does she do? She’d already found the blog on her own and decided “are you going to write about this conversation in your blog?” would be a good knife to throw. Lesson learned.

I’d like to think I do an okay job at keeping my posts fair and more about people in general than the failures of anybody besides moi. Even so, I discovered that I needed a blog policy that included what I’d talk about on the blog during a relationship as well as WHEN to mention that I had the blog.

By date 3 I bring it up and there hasn’t been a problem. In fact, there’s been some level of fascination with the idea of “scoring” a feature post on The Dating Papers. Perhaps I’ve been too nice in my posts then? There just wasn’t any way of getting around the necrophiliac. What a weirdo.

Get threaded comments. I’ll come back and ramble all over. =)

Seth Simonds´s last blog post…How to Survive A Break-Up: Chris Blake Puts It Back Together (with free music download)

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singlemomseeking May 18, 2009 at 9:45 am

Seth: First, thank you so much for chiming in here! I was hoping that you’d have more to say….

Second, I really appreciate your feedback re: threaded comments. I have such mixed feelings about them. (I find threaded comments challenging to follow — maybe I’m just a traditionalist in that way?)

If my readers, however, love threaded comments, I’d gladly go for it. Readers?

I’d love to hear from all of you about this one: threaded comments?

If you’re not sure what this means, check out one of Seth’s posts for an example:
http://thedatingpapers.com/who-should-pay-on-a-first-date/

In short, you can respond to specific comments, and post replies to particular readers. Yes? No?

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Dr.Leah www.singlemommyhood.com May 18, 2009 at 3:51 am

If you have kids and anticipate a custody battle or hassles over parenting time, it’s important to let your attorney know the full extent of your online presence. Be guided by what your attorney feels is best in your own situation.

Dr.Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post…When should a love interest read your blog?

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singlemomseeking May 18, 2009 at 9:32 am

Thanks so much for chiming in Dr. Leah! This definitely deserves its own blog post from us.

In the meantime, we’d love to hear from anyone whose blog has come up in the court. Thanks!

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Katherine SOLOdotmom May 18, 2009 at 8:17 am

I have to say… I have revealed my blog to my current bf but prior to have regretting letting guys I’m dating casually know about it too soon. I can agree with the commenter above that says… until he narrows down the dating pool… it’s good for them not to know.

The guy I am currently with knows about my blog and even started his own as a result of it… so sometimes there are both of our perceptions on the web about something we do together… which is kinda cool.

Katherine SOLOdotmom´s last blog post…Love = Not keeping Score

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T May 18, 2009 at 8:43 am

I blogged about my FWB and he saw it. I felt bad because he didn’t realize that I was blogging about him and he was taken aback. Nothing was hurtful but he felt a bit… exposed.

So, yes, a dating policy is a very good idea. I would hold off on telling someone about my blog but eventually, I’d have to fess up. It is a fun part of my life that I’d like to share. I would, however, have a discussion on what he’d prefer me to say or not say, if anything at all.

T´s last blog post…Soccer Mom

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MindyMom May 18, 2009 at 8:55 am

I never blog about current dating relationships – just past ones. I may include tid-bits about a date or something that happened but I think you’d agree that you have no idea what’s going on in my love/dating life right now! ;)

MindyMom´s last blog post…Manic Monday

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singlemomseeking May 18, 2009 at 9:30 am

@Mindy Mom: You’re right, I have no clue about what’s going on in you’re dating life… are you teasing us?

@T: I’ve always been curious re: The Soldier’s thoughts about your blog. You’ve blogged SO openly about him. Has he ever read it?

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from the desk of..me May 18, 2009 at 11:13 am

i think it’s okay to share if u have the person’s permission. i also let my man friend know when he will be the topic of a post. good luck and so glad to hear that ur man is keeping u smiling.

from the desk of..me´s last blog post…What’s your favorite emotion?

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Ms. V May 18, 2009 at 6:39 pm

Anything you share can be accessed anytime. By anyone.

My rule is never to write about something my mother, boyfriend or kids would find horrifying.

….and just be yourself!!!

Ms. V´s last blog post…3 Eastern Runners

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dhitt May 18, 2009 at 9:27 pm

I know it often does matter but it shouldn’t and it doesn’t matter to me. In fact, I wouldn’t care less what a girl I was dating writes.

A SigO (significant other)has tried ‘warning’ me several times about what she has told her friends. But I simply alert her to the idea that it won’t bother me. Even if she railed and called me Satan. If she likes hanging out with me… she will continue to do so. If she doesn’t I hope she will stop.

Shouldn’t every relationship be that simple?

dhitt´s last blog post…

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PT-LawMom May 19, 2009 at 6:19 am

I share with serious bf’s. My family doesn’t know about it. Only one FWB knows about it. It is a bit weird now that I have broken up with Blue Eyes because he continues to read regularly (thanks stat checker!). Mr. V also reads. My policy is to be honest without being cruel.

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MC May 26, 2009 at 1:45 pm

I don’t have a blog, but I thought I’d answer you’re question about threaded comments: I hate them! They make reading comments a huge pain. All that clicking and going back and forth–takes too much time.

I have no problem following several conversations going on at once when I’m out with friends– it’s not a problem when online either.

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AmbitiousSingleMom June 6, 2009 at 5:45 pm

It’s pretty hard to say whether or not the guy you’re dating should know or not. If you don’t tell him, but write things about him and your experiences, but it doesn’t work out… who cares. But what if you two actually get serious. What then? You don’t want to keep the secret from him. You wouldn’t feel right. Personally though, I have this honestly thing going on and can’t hold water. Don’t really know what it’s about, or where it came from, but its here. Anyway blog as well, and I often wish my guy didn’t know about my blog. Simply because he is sometimes the “inspiration” for a post so to speak. All he would have to do is READ and he’d know. Granted he says he doesn’t read it, but he still knows, and can… (Sigh)

AmbitiousSingleMom´s last blog post…A Woman’s Worth… What’s Yours???

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