Giving up sex for knitting?

by singlemomseeking on April 16, 2009

knitting_by_the_fire

Just put the words “sex” and “single mom” together, and you’re bound to incite a riot.

Remember when I decided to become a virgin again? (Impossible, I know. But I DID have one of my longest sex-free spells ever this past year.)

While I was still contemplating my sex-free life, Salon.com posted my excerpt on Lust and the Lactating Mother, I was reminded how touchy some folks can get. The nastiest comments in response to my Salon.com post had little do to with lactating while dating. Instead, they focused on what a horrible mother I was.

One reader referred to my incident as “one night stand sluttiness.”

Another called me a “a certified, 14K Gold, 5 star mess…You are the latest bit of evidence that America is over.”

BabyCenter.com then blogged — Should Single Moms Have a Sex Life? — and that post remained of the most popular for weeks on the site.

Many (married) moms there didn’t hold back: they made it clear that we, as single moms, should put our needs on the back burner until our kids have left home.

Let’s be real, shall we? Of course, your children’s needs come first. You put everything you have into raising happy, healthy kids. But, how about you?

“What was she supposed to do? Sit at home knitting?,” one reader wrote, sarcastically. (Thank  you!)

“She might as well slip stitch her vagina closed since clearly she is no longer a sexual or sexually desirable person.”


~~~

I’d love to hear from Moms and Dads on this one: What’s the longest you’ve gone without gettin’ some?….

For those of you who haven’t dated yet, is this kind of stigma holding you back? I understand if it is.


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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

VJ April 17, 2009 at 10:01 pm

[Sorry if this repeats, it's not shown up so I'm reposting it again]

I’ve been married a good long while. And it was just last week when I was relaxing on the deck chairs of the ill fated Titanic too. (No, really!)

And I’m here to tell you that Ray Romano was on to something. I’ll also say that it’s seasonal too, and highly dependent on many, many independent & interconnected variables. Mostly connected with time & energy & opportunity. And typically if you took surveys, I’m betting many of the longer spells where within marriages, rather than outside of them. Again for various & predictable reasons. (Hope dies last?)

And not to be a ‘Debbie Downer’ here but this above in the OP?

“She might as well slip stitch her vagina closed since clearly she is no longer a sexual or sexually desirable person.”

Has a formal name. It’s called infibulation, and is about the worst form of FGM and was & is used by ‘the patriarchy’ in many benighted societies for about the same damn reasons: to prevent women from having or enjoying sex. And yes, we can imagine that ‘were all above & beyond that all’ as ‘modern Western Industrialized Societies’, but we’re still having the same kinds of idiotic conversations over women being ‘allowed’ to have or enjoy sex, & under what conditions & when. Why the hell is that in the 21st C? That’s my eternal question. Cheers, ‘VJ’

Reply

Divorced Lifestyle April 18, 2009 at 6:00 am

It’s been 13 months for me. I had several one-night-stands after my separation and divorce, and a friend with benefits. I would prefer to find a man I can be in a relationship with now. But in all honesty, I’m just too tired to look for that person.

Divorced Lifestyle´s last blog post…Depression

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Jane April 18, 2009 at 8:24 am

Two years now. The longer I go without *it* the less I think about it. Having two older sisters scares the hell out of me. All I hear lately is about how once they hit menopause, they no longer cared about sex.
At this point, I’m a camel…without a hump.

Jane´s last blog post…She had that “deer in the headlights” look

Reply

SingleDad April 18, 2009 at 8:55 am

504 Hours, 32 Minutes and 17 Seconds, 18, 19,20..But who’s counting!

Reply

sue April 18, 2009 at 9:36 am

going on 4 years! my ex left when my daughter was 3 months old. i dated some after, but refused to have sex until the divorce was final. when the divorce went thru, i was so focused on work and being a single mom i stopped even trying to date. and its true, you feel like its just a lost feeling. you remember it being good, but don’t put it on the list of priorities.

Reply

Coachdad April 18, 2009 at 10:36 am

You sure opened a can worms with this topic… I keep coming back to read the new comments. It is nice to know I am not the only one who has gone with out for some time. Great post.

Coachdad´s last blog post…Sexual healing

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VJ April 18, 2009 at 9:20 pm

I’ve been married a good long while. And it was just last week when I was relaxing on the deck chairs of the ill fated Titanic too. (No, really!)

And I’m here to tell you that Ray Romano was on to something. I’ll also say that it’s seasonal too, and highly dependent on many, many independent & interconnected variables. Mostly connected with time & energy & opportunity. And typically if you took surveys, I’m betting many of the longer spells where within marriages, rather than outside of them. Again for various & predictable reasons. (Hope dies last?)

And not to be a ‘Debbie Downer’ here but this above in the OP?

“She might as well slip stitch her vagina closed since clearly she is no longer a sexual or sexually desirable person.”

Has a formal name. It’s called infibulation, and is about the worst form of FGM and was & is used by ‘the patriarchy’ in many benighted societies for about the same damn reasons: to prevent women from having or enjoying sex. And yes, we can imagine that ‘were all above & beyond that all’ as ‘modern Western Industrialized Societies’, but we’re still having the same kinds of idiotic conversations over women being ‘allowed’ to have or enjoy sex, & under what conditions & when. Why the hell is that in the 21st C? That’s my eternal question. Cheers, VJ

Reply

tanasie April 20, 2009 at 11:06 am

I knit. And whenever I knit around a guy, they weirdly find it hot.
So, I don’t think knitting is a substitute for sex. But actually, can be a prelude.
I don’t know why guys find it hot. I just know they do.

tanasie´s last blog post…Tickle My Balls

Reply

Ameya April 21, 2009 at 4:21 am

Wow, that is ridiculous. I was raised by a single mom and my brother and I always wished she’d go out and find someone nice, even for the short term (haha). She tried a few times but she ended up giving up.

Not only did we know that left her unfulfilled (and in her case puts a lot of extra pressures on us to be for her emotionally and responsibly what a SO wasn’t (though i know thats not always the case, my mom was a bit special in that way)), but we also happened to not have any other functional relationships in our lives outside of our grandparents, which left us both with a “WTF are relationships?!?!” scar that now my fiancee gets to deal with as i learn to not be an independent i-dont-have-to-answer -to-anybody like my mom.

Now of course it’s probably not that bad when kids have other relationships around (aunts and uncles, friends of parents or whatever) but I’m surprised those dumb commenters don’t think about that. Of course if they did they might take it to the other extreme, so pfft on them.

Ameya´s last blog post…10 weeks!

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Dating Advice (Almost) Daily April 21, 2009 at 9:00 am

“Many (married) moms there didn’t hold back: they made it clear that we, as single moms, should put our needs on the back burner until our kids have left home.”

I’m a married woman with two daughters, and I vehemently disagree that a single (or any) mother should put her life on hold until her children leave home.

It sets a terrible example, for one thing. I want my daughters to fully use and enjoy the talents God gave them. I want them to make contributions other than populating the planet.

I suspect that some of people who judged you put their own marriages on the back burner “for the sake of” their kids. They’re miserable, their husbands are miserable, their kids know something’s not quite right, and they’re jealous of anybody else who allows herself to enjoy life.

Congratulations once again on your new romance!

Dating Advice (Almost) Daily´s last blog post…She’s Having Trouble Visualizing a Perfect Relationship

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