I’ve asked myself this often: “Is this blog keeping me single?”
But I’ve kept that little worry myself.
Until now.
Recently, Jim — a charming, Jewish, divorced dad who often comments here — sent me an email, which made me look at this “single mom seeking” right in the mirror:
Rachel,
It has occurred to me that you may be violating one or more universal laws which prevent you from meeting that one special guy you claim to desire. Do you believe in the law of attraction and in universal laws in general (I’ll bet you do)?
Have you ever considered that your career and your life to a large extent is defined by being a single mom?
I am not saying that this is the reason you are still single, but it is definitely something to consider [for all I know there may be something seriously wrong with you… 
]
But I doubt it.
Jim
You doubt it, Jim?
Well, you haven’t met me person yet, have you?
Seriously, by branding myself as a “single mom seeking,” have I doomed myself? I’d love to know how other single bloggers deal with this.
For instance, I recently chatted with Sasha Cagen – author and founder of the Quirkyalone movement —- about what it means to write so openly about being single.
“Sometimes I wonder if being the quirkyalone lady will prevent me from finding a partner,” Sasha wrote to me in an email recently.
“I wonder if the outspokenness on my blog intimidates men. Am I just too honest? Do I give off the impression that I am completely content with being single?”
We both agreed that we feel ambivalent. On one hand, this is where we try to write honestly about our lives and relationships. On the other hand, we fear that we might be compromising ourselves — or scaring off men?
I’d love to hear from readers: Do you think this blog is keeping me single?
And I’d be honored to hear from men and women who blog about being single.
Do you think that your blog is keeping you single?
Here’s just a handful of bloggers whose brains I’d love to pick about this one!
And the rest of you, chime in!
~~~
Thanks to my friend Alan for taking this photo in Barnes and Noble!
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t speak for everyone of course, but I’m sure there are some men that might shy away from you as a result of your blogging. There are some who might run
. But I’m certain there are also others who it won’t bother at all. My single mom blogs. Even blogged about me once (and quickly called afterwards to ask me, after the fact, if I was ok with it. Which I was). I love reading her blogs. I’d say it has helped our relationship in some ways and has never harmed it.
To speak for myself. Blogging itself would certainly not turn me away. I don’t imagine there is major shortage of men who would not be bothered by your blogging. It gives them a window into your mind and a smart man would see that as a plus.
What struck me is the line about life being defined by being a single mom. That’s me. And I’m no longer fighting it. I’m quite happy in my own skin being the single mom. And the longer I’m a single mom, the less I want to be anything else.
April´s last blog post…Happy Single Parents’ Day
Like all things you can’t please everyone. Some men will be intimidated by it, but I doubt if you would be very happy with them so you have a natural weeding process.
I don’t see anything keeping you single in your blog. I actually think it’s probably helping you figure things out in the dating realm. Like myself I have a great support group through my blog that helps me with dating and life.
As most of my friends will attest I don’t have any problem finding dates. For me it’s finding the LTRs and I know that is me still growing and picking better. I was told when my ex and I split. I would never find a healthy relationship right away, it would take time. And it has, however all my dating has been in a healthier direction except for a few bumps,
Mike´s last blog post…Bouncy … Bouncy … Bouncy
Thanks Mike and Mike! It’s a relief to hear from men who are NOT intimidated by such honesty on a blog.
April: It took me more than a year to say, “I’m a single mom.” And I hadn’t even gone to a support group to get to that point! Good for you for being proud of where you’re at.
I look forward to hearing from the rest of you…
I think I know what you mean. Someone commented to me once “Don’t make a career out of your pain.” That stung. I am not really certain what else to do with pain – and by god if I could make a profit off of it (which I not by the way) I would!
Being the “single mom” is very closely tied up in how you are identified. And it is a large part of what you write about. If you were to become the “once was a single mom seeking” how would that change so many of the things in your life?
Its a good question – but I think you’re still okay. When another season of your life comes along, you’ll make the adjustments and everyone will come along right there with you – or at least I will!
Take care!
Amy´s last blog post…Journal 126: March 2009 A Long Day
That’s a good thought Jim. I’ve never met Rachel, but I could see the point of attraction. As a blogger that writes about my single life, I’ve already planned for the day, if it ever comes, that I find a serious relationship. I have discussed with friends what will my site identity morph into.. or will I have to change the name. I won’t disclose it just yet, but I’ve thought about it.. I’ve planned ahead for it.. and I’ve changed a few things with what I disclose on the site in case it happens.
Are you going to do the same? I have to agree…you have a total persona of a single mom. Is that bigger than the “big picture”?
Eathan´s last blog post…How Far Would You Go?
The big mystery for me is: How long can Rachel Sarah stay single?! I mean, you have it all going on: beautiful, smart, funny, great mother. You’re what they call the “total package”. Let’s face it, your singleness can’t last much longer. What will you do when you finally meet that perfect guy? Have you thought about that? Just wondering.
Rachel, thanks for using my stuff. I would like to clarify one thing, my assertion that you may be violating one or more universal laws which could be contributing to keeping you single and your question: “do you think this blog is keeping me single,” are two very different ideas and topics of discussion.
I don’t think the blog, all by itself, has any cosmic impact on your life; however I do believe that your career which flows over into your personal life is very much defined by the SingleMomSeeking brand.
Let’s take a harder look in the mirror: book, blog, collaborative single mom/parent blogs, freelance journalist who mainly writes about being single, dating, and being a single mom, radio gigs about same, TV gigs about same, book signings, speaking gigs about same, socializing with other single parent journalists & bloggers (male & female) who may also be violating the same universal laws thereby sabotaging any chance for you to hook up with them, and for them to hook up with you, etc., etc..
Rachel, if all you had going on was a blog, writing about your experiences as a single mom, I’d say ZERO impact, but your single mom orbit is pervasive and it has to have permeated the fabric of your being, this is what I meant when I said you may be violating one or more universal laws (like the law of attraction)that may be contributing to your staying single.
Thanks for clarifying Jim G! Can I hire you as my business manager?
I think you need to accept yourself and who you are completely before being able to totally accept somebody else into your life and the life of your child. You seem to have done that.
If you date a man that is intimidated by your views on general topics involving men and women, then maybe he just isn’t the right man for you.
I would think if a man read your blog (and many of the blogs you listed), that he was already comfortable enough with the content to not feel intimidated at all by the views.
I don’t know if you’ve “defined” yourself by being single…but I think it’s your choice and ONLY your choice if you’re really out there “seeking” or not.
The only person defining yourself is you.
Just my $0.02.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…She’s gone…
Here’s another $0.02 (now you have $0.04)
Right now, you are a single mom, that is your priority. As M gets older, those priorities will change.
Would I like a relationship? Sure, but for right now, I want to be there for my kids more. Besides I have two teens and one tween and they all still like me!
So I am not seeking at all. In three to five years–sure. They say we get better with age! But for now I see my seekingless years as bonus in my relationship with my kids.
But, if fate steps in, all bets are off. I do believe that one cannot find love. Love will find you and in a cavemanlike move slam you down to the ground and haul your ass away to some love cave. And when that happens, there is very little we can do about it but go along for the ride.
John F´s last blog post…What’s My Deal? Divorce And All!
Oh my gosh. John F. took the words out of my mouth. I am the female version of him.
When I started reading this blog I discovered that Rachel and I had a lot in common and I could identify with her situation and her feelings, yet I have never labeled myself as “seeking.” Wasn’t then, and am not now. Despite expecting a happy, healthy family life for my daughter and instead experiencing the traumatic demise of my marriage, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and threw myself into being the best single mom I could possibly be. I backed totally off from men and dating, and over time I healed. I’m in a sooo much better place than I was several years ago, and I still am not seeking. If it happens, great! But I am not going out in search of it. If it is meant to be, it will be. That has kept me sane through the trials and tribulations, and made it easier to move forward if a potential mate doesn’t pan out.
I say all of that to say that your blog and nothing else that you’re doing will prevent you from finding love—-unless you want it so badly that you “settle” or try too hard when your actions aren’t reciprocated. You’re young, beautiful, smart, have a lot to offer, and I truly believe you learn and grow through your writing, your experiences, and your blogger friends; so if anything, it will help you in that ultimate relationship.
LEM: I love the fact that you called yourself “the female version of” John F!
This is so poignant: “I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and threw myself into being the best single mom I could possibly be. I backed totally off from men and dating, and over time I healed. I’m in a sooo much better place than I was several years ago, and I still am not seeking. If it happens, great!”
I think Jim’s point isn’t that men aren’t interested in you, but maybe you aren’t truly interested in a relationship? (I’m not saying it’s true…)
If you theoretically got choose between a career as writer about relationships and a perfect partner, which one would it be?
I don’t think there is a right answer. As other people have said, there is nothing wrong with putting your kid first right now.
This is an awesome question Rachel. Because I’ve been blogging for a year and a half I’ve had a lot of time to think about this and have definitely been asked it a few times myself.
My conclusion:
I want a man who can handle me, my son AND my blogging. If he can’t then he definitely can’t handle me. ; )
As far as making a career out of being single – that’s bologna too. Your career has been made by your writing, your drive and your commitment. Those things will never change. Perhaps one day you’ll be writing about how you found your true love while being a single mom.
See?
Simple.
Don’t stress.
Ms. Single Mama´s last blog post…Single Mom Friday Zen
Ms. Single Mama: Thanks so much for chiming in! I also love what you say here:
“I want a man who can handle me, my son AND my blogging. If he can’t then he definitely can’t handle me. ; )”
I agree with Ms. Single Mama. I want the same. A parenting partner who can meet me on all levels, and who loves me for all of who I am, badmuthablogger an’ all.
It seems to me that you have talent, lady, whether you’re a single mother seeking or not.
I believe wholeheartedly in the law of attraction, but I don’t think you are putting vibes out into the universe that will make you stay single. That’s hocus pocus. New age twaddle. Your life and career are NOT defined by being a single mother. You are more multi-dimensional than that. Like Alaina says above, who knows maybe you’ll meet someone, get married and start blogging about that instead. We (your readers) will still be here watching, and enjoying your story whatever twists and turns it takes.
badmuthablogger´s last blog post…Big-top bedtime blockbuster
I don’t think you’re blogging to keep yourself out of a relationship, so how can it be viewed as something other than an extension of your identity? And, as such, would you consider lopping off part of your identity because someone suggested it was getting in the way of a relationship?
Rachel, I find your blogs reinforce your honesty, humor, and self-insight. And those are wonderful qualities, not to be downgraded.
If someone falls for your identity, he should love your blogging as much as he would your creativity, affection, or soul. (But he may politely ask for a psudonym
)
With care,
Joel
I definitely think you will find someone. Your writing is honest, deep, and shows who you are as a person. It’s also part of who you are so the right man will accept that.
Most single parents define ourselves as single parents to some extent because that is our situation in the present. That doesn’t mean that will always be the case.
Of course it is your blog, you can write about whatever you want to write about. I think as long as you consider potential partner’s feelings when writing about them there shouldn’t be anything to worry about.
SDMktg´s last blog post…Hearth Patio and Barbecue Assocation Expo
No, no, and thrice, no.
Your wonderful writing, and open and honest approach on your blog will make you more attractive to that perfect partner. Some dudes will not like it, and that just means they are not right for you, but the guy that is, will fall for you, blog-and-all.
Writing is sexy and attractive. Open, honest, and truthful communication is sexy and attractive. Single parents are sexy, attractive, and have true grit and substance. In other words, there is much more to you than meets the eye. Many people only want what meets the eye.
Single Mom Seeking…
Single Mom is who you are now.
Seeking, meaning you want more, motivated to find it, non-stationary, aggressive, powerful, flexible, available, and open.
Definitely not sending the wrong message or violating any universal law.
Single Mom Content, Happy, Satiated, Stable, Stationary, Career, Moss covered, Eyes Closed, Unavailable…those probably send the wrong message, but that isn’t you.
Finding the relationship you are looking for and becoming non-single doesn’t mean the end of your career either. To some that would indicate that you were successful in your persistent seeking…
The noun, the meat of your blog, is Mom. Adjectives such as ‘Single’, and verbs such as ‘Seeking’ are always changing. Seeking absolutely demands that it will change and that you are open to it.
I’d wondered why you hadn’t posted – OY VEY – my Bloglines hasn’t been updated with your posts in days! I’m glad I checked today.
I don’t think this blog is keeping you single, Rachel. That gives this medium way more cosmic power than it deserves. But, I have wondered what you would blog about if you were no longer single — and to me single is someone unattached. So if you had a serious beau who was very involved with your daughter – would you blog about that? Once you are no longer seeking – what happens? I do not think you have branded yourself off-the-market but the opposite – when you meet someone your brand won’t be you anymore. I’m sure we’d all like to meet someone – and perhaps when you do you will become Single Mom, Settled Down — and write about newly formed families and the intricacies of that life. I think that you do what you do until you can’t do it anymore – then you do something else!
And “seeking” implies you are looking for something you want to find…so the assumption is that you will find it.
a smattering of thoughts that may or may not run together.
Rachael, you just have not met a man that is “into you”. Don’t blame your blogging for that. I haven’t meet one either and I don’t blog.
The best way to meet men and friends and potentials is living life. If blogging is part of your life than blog.
If something is not working for you then stop and change. And change again.
On a Saturday night without plans if I am in chick-talk mood I go to the yarn store with my knitting, when I am seeking men conversation I go shoot pool.
We can analyze our situations, identities, decisions forever and never go anywhere or do anything but process.
When my DD was M’s age I was a SINGLE MOM ad nauseum. She is in high school and now I am a ‘hot’ single woman. My head and heart (and decisions around safety/health) never let her go but my conversation, style of dress, and attitude can check her at the door.
Live~Laugh~Love
I haven’t been reading your blog for long, but I think you are right to be yourself. Otherwise you’re not being genuine. I’m a single mum. I haven’t blogged about my single status much, but I would if I wanted to. I wouldn’t blog about going on dates as that would be too personal, but I don’t think you should worry too much about being open and honest.
Rosie Scribble´s last blog post…Against the odds
I’ve been surprised by how many men give me postitve feedback about my blog and what I write. The men I have dated like seeing that side of me and what’s going on in my head, which then can lead to more dialogue between us. (always a positive!) The men who can’t accept it or appreciate it need not apply, if you know what I mean.
The saying “write what you know” applies to single moms too. We are single moms and we write about that and then some. It’s what we know and who we are but it’s only a part of the whole package. The men who understand that are the ones we want, not the ones who don’t.
I don’t think our blogs are keeping us single at all. I just think it takes a special guy to appreciate the complex package that we are.
MindyMom´s last blog post…Wanted: Time & Energy
On the contrary, your blog shows that you are an intelligent feeling person with something to say. Does it intimidate men? Well, I can only speak for myself and say no.
And this blog is not your identity. If you decide to get married some day, you could start a new blog and you know all of us devoted readers would follow you.
Jim Everson (Depot Dad)´s last blog post…Yuck
I think most of the commenters here are missing Jim’s point, actually. Whether or not it’s true (whether your “brand” has been so identified with being single that there is a fundamental contradiction between the way you promote yourself and what you say you want), it seems pretty clear to me that he’s not saying that writing or blogging makes you less attractive. I find it interesting that so many commenters see it that way, despite his clarifications.
Anyway.
It’s very late and I don’t seem capable of putting this well, but I think Jim has a point. When 99% of what you do, or at least of what you do publicly, is devoted to a persona as a *single person*–well, how could it not change whether and how you find a relationship? It’s like, I define myself publicly by and large as a writer and environmentalist, and unsurprisingly, I end up drawing other writer-environmentalists around me, I end up talking about and focusing on those issues, I end up seeing the world and interpreting it through those lenses–to the point where much of what I think about every day revolves around writing and environmentalism.
When I was a mommyblogger (I say that like it’s longer than three months ago, but it feels like years) I thought and wrote and interpreted through those terms. how could I not? Now that I’m not a mommyblogger, though, I really don’t. It turns out that that identity was much more shaped by what I did in public than who I truly am, as a person.
I am a mother and a single mother, but that is not my public identity. My public identity is a writer-environmentalist. And yes, that shapes my relationships. It also influences whether I take the subway or my car.
So I don’t think Jim’s point was taht all the Nice Boys are going to be scared away by the big bad blog. I think he’s saying that your public identity is shaping your choices.
Andrea´s last blog post…Sprung
I’m going to be blunt here. I think Jim’s talk of “universal laws” is “Secret” pseudo psychobabble. It’s blaming and shaming. “If bad things happen, you weren’t thinking positively enough.” BULL! Shit happens. Period.
On the other hand, years ago I dated a guy who pretty much decimated our relationship by writing about it on his blog. I will NEVER again date someone who would write about our relationship publicly. My blog is anonymous, and I’m not dating right now, but even anonymously, I’m not sure I would blog about my dating life.
Dora´s last blog post…Send In The Clowns????
Andrea, thanks for setting the record straight!
Dora, as in Dora the Explorer
… I am a single dad with little ones after all… lighten up sweetheart! I respect your opinion and I like blunt because I am blunt, and I definately don’t play the victim’s blame & shame game, but what you wrote in the second paragraph completely contradicts what you wrote in the first paragraph and virtually proves that universal laws do in fact exist and impact our lives (including your life) in a very material, not hocus pocus “Secret” pseudo psychobabble way. And you are right, shit does happens; but ask yourself, why are some peoples lives’ a constant shit storm, while others are living near fairy tale existences (not that these folks don’t get shit on because they do, but they handle it with grace and dignity and move on as though the shit were in fact angel dust).
what an interesting question! honestly, i don’t know the answer. however, when i decided to create my blog, i decided to not focus on one area of my life mainly because i wanted my blog to be able to evolve/grow with me. even though i’m a single mom who is definitely seeking and have written a few posts about my current boyfriend, i also write about other things. however, i LOVE your blog and really feel like it’s therapy for so many of us single moms. i hope you will continue to share your adventures because you really do inspire so many people, especially myself.
from the desk of…me´s last blog post…My Lunch @ the Sun Dial Restaurant
Jim, I respectfully disagree that my second paragraph contradicts the first. But I’m not going to be able to convince you, so I won’t bother trying. I have some angel dust to shovel.
Dora´s last blog post…Send In The Clowns????
Here is the difference between you and I … My blog? No one knows of it. Mine is pretty anonymous and none of the men that I date know of it. I’ve always wondered what will happen when I do find someone to settle down with, will I tell him of the blog? My first thought is yes, but then again, I think, Well maybe not.
Is this blog keeping you single? No. Not even one little bit. It’s part of WHO and WHAT you are darlin. And that is terrific. Any man that doesn’t see that is just … well, easily intimidated, don’t ya think?
QTMama´s last blog post…I’m Just Sayin
I don’t define myself as single… Yes, I am unmarried, but I am not sure that being single is part of my self identification. I am a mom, a woman, a professional… often I will say that I am not married, or that my daughter lives with me. I use “single” only in that it is the way that society defines the state of my house. My daughter doesn’t call me a single mom – we are a single parent home.
Self identification is fascinating. How much is our world defined by how we identify ourselves or define ourselves and how much is about how others /society defines us?
Part of the reason behind The Exception was learning to blur the lines of my life such that I wasn’t going through culture shock when I went from office to mom or from mom to woman. I am all three all at one time (plus so much more)
If one is married to labeling themselves as “single” and it is a desired definition of self… who knows, it might have an impact. One could ask the same about the word “seeking?” Seeking implies that one is always looking and not finding?
They are words that we, as individuals, prescribe meaning. We have the ability to define ourselves – to change the definitions – and to sue the words we like best (with our own definitions) to describe ourselves!!