I just got off the phone with my daughter’s father.
In the past couple of years, he has commented here a few times — which is how I figured out that he occasionally reads my blog. After reading about the cyst on my ovary, he emailed me this morning and asked if he could call.
It was a short, 15-minute chat — but it was probably the first, real adult (and sober) conversation we’ve had since he left eight years ago.
After I got off the phone, I thought about everything I’d love to say online here — in public. Although much of the pain and hurt is gone — time does have a way of healing, doesn’t it? — there will always be a deep thread of disappointment.
But I won’t open those old wounds here, where others might read it…
Especially after Dr. Leah and I recently posted about why bad-mouthing fathers online is destructive.
While everyone at Singlemommyhood seems to agree that bashing your ex – whether online or in person about — is unhealthy, I’ve been caught off guard by some of your responses.
Wondermom, for example, says that she feels torn about blogging about her ex.
“If my children find my blog someday, I will have some serious explaining to do,” she commented. “It is something that I have thought about.”
However, Wondermom — who blogs anonymously — adds a great point:
“Blogging gives me an outlet to vent those frustrations and let go of them (as much as possible anyway). It’s better than keeping them inside and letting them fester — which the children would definitely know. I could journal, but a written journal kept in my house would be more likely to be discovered by the kids than my blog (at least at this point).”
Single Mom Says agrees. In fact, she says that our post got her blood boiling.
“Calling a man a deadbeat dad, if in fact he is one, is not badmouthing,” writes Single Mom Says.
“It’s a term used to describe the type a man and father he is…. Only he is responsible for his actions, and if he doesn’t like how he is being portrayed, then maybe he should change what he does and says — instead of trying to use our words against us to make himself look better.”
I’d love to continue the conversation over at Singlemommyhood. Let’s hear what you think.
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow. Tough choices. Deadbeat dads–hey the government and media calls them that and she is right, call a spade a spade.
I do think blogging, journaling,can be therapeutic to a degree, but at some point it needs to end–likely when you are really over it and have moved on.
When I first divorced, I kept a passworded Word doc that highlighted all the stupid things my ex did and it was good for me.
Just recently, I did blog about her, but in a good way. We both have moved on, we both communicate and it’s all ok now.
John F´s last blog post…What’s My Deal? Divorce And All!
Thanks for the link Rachel.
Johm F – Yes, a spade is a spade. As far as “getting past it” and “moving on”, when I mention my kids’ fathers in my blog it’s because I’m discussing current events as it relates to them. There are ongoing coparenting and legal issues that come up – and that’s all part of being a single mom for many of us. Some are lucky not to have this situation and then of course no frustrations to vent, etc.
Please see my post for the more on this subject and the real reason my “blood got boiled”.
http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com/2009/03/single-moms-responsibility.html
MindyMom´s last blog post…Single Moms & Responsibility
I choose not to blog too much about him. Especially in a negative light. I don’t feel it is appropriate. When I do mention it I try my best to keep it positive, afterall my kids will read this someday. I have a more private journal for venting, which we ALL need when going through this road of divorce and custody. There are times when I wish I could go into details about why we are divorcing, but I choose not to because at the end of the day it is what it is and I can’t change it. It’s not fair to bash him publicly. It’s a fine line.
Angela´s last blog post…product love
I blog about ex’s, relating to specific experiences, and what I learned about myself because of them.
They are part of my life, and they are part of who I am today, and will be tomorrow, so yes, I write about them.
Best Wishes
searchingwithin´s last blog post…TGIF – The Five Best Love and Relationships Articles From Around the Web – #2
Regardless of how I feel towards my ex- he is still my child father. that being said, at this point, all he did to contribute was donate sperm. He walked out before our son was born. However, I never bad mouth my ex, in print or to my son, because that is still half of my son. My son is almost 13 years old not and I have never said anything negative about his dad. Actually I do the opposite. I have let my son glorify his father. His dad is a welder- working on commercial boats. I have told my son this. My son has changed this into “he builds boats” & I have even overheard him telling friends when he was little, “I can get my dad to build a boat for us”. I have let him have this. I think the only thing bad mouthing an ex and father (or mother) of your child does is create tension within the child – the child then is scared to talk to you about their parent because it might make you mad… or depending on their age, they might think you don’t like them (the child) if you hate their father (or mother) who is half of them. Just my two cents.
Single Mom´s last blog post…Supplement Your Income
Single Mom: Your comment really touched me.
Especially when you say, “I have let him have this.”
As hard as it is, I also share very positive anecdotes about my daughter’s father, whom she doesn’t remember meeting in person. (i.e., “Your father is a great singer!”) I DO notice that this lifts her confidence. Bravo to you.
I think Angela brings up something worth considering. She mentions keeping a private journal for venting.
That sounds like a good plan.
However, as you said to me the other day in a direct email Rachel (not about this topic) a huge part of blogging is wanting a response. So, perhaps what we blog as opposed to writing in our private journals is but one part of the scenario. It is a part that has us looking for a response or validation/support of some type.
As much as I may say or not say, you can be assured that it is not “all” of what it is really going on, or what I think/observe/feel. I clean it up the best I can for publication. Then I publish it in hopes of getting some acknowledgement.
won´s last blog post…The Most Vulnerable Post to Date-Part One
Won: Yes, that’s where the fine line is, isn’t it? I’ve always kept a private journal, and still do. No one else sees it (I hope not!).
I know many bloggers who write online, but their posts are password-protected. This means that only folks who have the password can read the posts. That way, you still get feedback from folks you trust. What do you think?
I don’t badmouth my ex – it helps no one. But I do tell stories that are true, how I was effected by his words and his actions. I try to make it about me, the things I’ve done and the lessons I’ve learned. I keep references to him minimal, I think, or at least I try to. It’s hard to find the balance sometimes, because since he passed away over 4 years ago, I often have to remember that death does not absolve someone of wrong-doing. I prefer to remember the good times and good stuff, but much of who I am today is because of the bad stuff. That was the silver lining – although there is no silver lining to your kids losing their dad.
Amy Sue Nathan´s last blog post…Steve Harvey speaks to women on Oprah
I was mad about my breakup for a lot of reasons. When I started my website, I felt the urge to just lash out at my ex and write everything she did as a poor example of motherhood, and being a not-so-good co-parent with my three children. Too many times the “Dead Beat Dad” example is given to the media and society, and I am sure it is justified.
I had to work through a lot of my own faults of the breakup and realize that one day, my children are going to make their own decisions and assumptions of what happened to the family. I can relate to your challenge Rach, because I know I had to take the high road and just “Let go” of my own stories of “What Happened”… Yeah, it hurts still to this day when she moved out, but I have learned to just breathe right through those moments of anxiety and pain and believe that I am in a better place without that person.
I have three amazing children and a voice for Single Dads who are not “dead beats”. How do we “Let Go”? Here’s what I learned and I hope it can help others the way that it helped me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U4XzCdQ7e0
I don’t know if this has any bearing on the conversation – but in some situations (as in mine and I am sure others) the “issue” behind the divorce/abandonment/whatever is addictions or chemical dependency. Having grown up in an alcoholic home often times those nasty issues are big honking secrets that no one can discuss because they are too unpleasant. It is the big pink elephant in the room. I married an addict/alcoholic although it was not my intention to do so. And my daughter is the result of that marriage.
I am afraid that by not being honest about how it is (for example never being honest about the issue and just saying that her dad and I have to live apart) would be dangerous. It perpetuates the secrecy that those addictions thrive in. Perhaps even drawing her closer to those dangers oneday herself. I want to be clear to her that her dad has a lot of great traits and especially that she is the embodiment of everything that is good about him. And I tell her good stories about him all the time. But I don’t know if it would be wise to never tell her the truth? I just don’t know?
Amy´s last blog post…Journal 126: March 2009 A Long Day
Would I tell my kids about their Dad?
Well, of course! They have asked before, and they will again. They deserve answers to what happened. It was their family, too, that he destroyed. But I try to remain neutral emotionally and stick to conveying the facts, I don’t call him names or anything. And I try to be positive where I can when I’m talking about him.
I feel very strongly that my kids see their father enough that his true nature is pretty clear to them already, and it’s becoming clearer as they grow up and become more aware. Kids aren’t dumb.
I save my venting about him for conversations with my friends, or for my private journal.
Would I blog about my abusive jerk of an ex? No way!
Proof of hostility against the non-custodial parent can sometimes cause a court to reverse a custody order. I would never give my ex written proof/ammunition to challenge my custody of our children.
Well this is a interesting post. I have some very negative feelings about one of my ex’s. I hold my feeling and thoughts private. Not only are some of them illegal, they are not beneficial for my son’s happiness. I’ve learned that I don’t have to bad mouth her and tell him all of her faults. He as figured them out on his own.
Off all the people on the face of the earth that I could talk bad about, I choose to take a pass on the ex. My 1st love is my children and their happiness. They deserve to love or despise someone based on their own experiences.
For some reason, bitterness doesn’t seem to be a productive way to live.
Eathan´s last blog post…Spring Weather and Spring Dating
I am a little on the fence about this one. Actually, I’m surprised to see so many people say that they think it is a bad idea, given how many instances of it I seem to come across in various blogs.
With that said, I try to keep my negative comments to a minimum and focus on my experiences and my son’s experiences instead. The Ex does come up on my blog occasionally, but normally in passing and with a lot of details left out. In general, I’m trying to focus less on what The Ex does and more on myself because I can’t change him or his behavior…so I try to make sure my blog follows suit!
Janet´s last blog post…Frustration.
I tried to post on single mommyhood and had a great comment and I don’t think it took. I have that problem with blogs sometimes.
Anyway I have a sort of on the fence thought about the whole subject. I do think we all need an outlet what that outlet is needs to be chosen carefully though for more than a few reasons.
Kari´s last blog post…Overwhelmed!
I completely understand the reasons one should not bash an ex in front of the children, but I do get frustrated that I am told that I must paint him in such a bright light. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t visit, he doesn’t pay child support yet I am expected, while with doing 100% of the parenting, to sing his praises? Something seems odd about that.
What I’ve decided to do is to bite my tongue and say nothing, at least to my children. When they have asked questions about their father, I make it as simple as possible. I know they are devoted to their absentee father – why, I don’t know – but they must come to their own conclusions…and they will in their own way.
Paige´s last blog post…Back in Black
I had never written publicly about my kid’s dad (just in passing, more more to get across the point that once upon a time she had one), but this changed yesterday after reading the posting ‘Blogging about your ex’. It’s easier, sometimes, to write something difficult than to talk about it. At times, the lack of any visible audience makes it feel as though blogging were journaling. There certainly is a fine line one needs to consider when writing about other people, particularly when the things being written are not positive… Yet I agree with a comment written near the top of your posting: “Calling a man a deadbeat dad, if in fact he is one, is not badmouthing.” You can read my response here: http://meliferasmusings.blogspot.com/2009/03/internet-etiquette-concerning-writing.html
Melifera´s last blog post…Anevay’s pretty spin-dance
I have a blog that isn’t currently active for a number of reasons, but the main one is that my ex does not deserve the privilege of knowing what’s going on in my life.
Still, Rachel, I give you a lot of credit for being so open and honest about your relationship with M’s father, and I can honestly say in the years I’ve followed your blog, you never outright “bashed” him. You simply shared what happened along with how you felt, and I can totally see where it would be therapeutic to receive feedback and also learn that so many other single parents have had similar experiences. For me, it was a comforting thing to learn, and helped tremendously in my healing process.
As many have mentioned, a journal is a safer and more private means of expressing the raw emotion that comes with the pain and hurt, and is a better avenue if children are involved and you’re concerned about them ever reading what you’ve written.
But keep doing what you do, and know that you have many followers, friends, and admirers.
Excellent post. I don’t “bash” B’s father. By no means do I let anyone else do it either. I’m a joker by nature, and I never say anything that I wouldn’t say right TO her dad. I actually defend him when she says things about him that I feel are a bit unfair. I want her to have a Daddy, and he is present physically in her life. I have told her she is incredibly lucky in this way and that her Daddy and I had a very big love, that made a very special little girl. It has taken us a great number of years to get to where we are now…but we can all be together and enjoy a conversation now. And the bitterness and hurt does subside a little with time. None of us have wished for this…but least of all the little people. Let them have their ideas of parents…and foster that.
I have a different experience (don’t we all) and so when I blog about my ex, it is more from the perspective of working out his illness and the changes it made.
jeanie´s last blog post…Finally….
It’s very, very hard not to say bad things about your ex—especially when a child tells her father on the phone, “Daddy, why didn’t you call me back when I called you?” or, “I got gifts from everyone except my dad…” I think it pains her too much to talk about—so, for her sake, I try very unnaturally hard to grit my teeth and stay quiet.
Someone in her family (actually ex-wife #1) mailed her a letter saying that a fairy from Colorado told the San Francisco library about your feelings—the letter went on to say that some people have a different way of loving and showing it—but her daddy has a very hard time showing but does love her…and reminded that there are others who love her in all levels.
I know this is lengthy but it’s touching me in a deep place—I will NEVER say that her father loves her very much–I will NEVER cover up for her father–and I will ALWAYS tell the truth without being harsh. I would also encourage her to ask her father about me as well.
Lord knows, we all want to protect our kids, and keep them from harm emotionally. However, I think “Paige” summed up my sentiments exactly. We all have different stories about how we got here (single parent status). But for some of us, the old adage “if you can’t say something nice, it’s best not to say anything at all”, is just the best way.
I will not do it because it is not fair to use his life as an example publicly. In my opinion that is slightly vindictive even if it is the truth. However, if I had an anonymous blog, I would bash him to no end!
Crystal Monae´s last blog post…Mixology
My blog is my place to vent, say what I want and go where my IRL self can’t let herself go. . .and sometimes bashing my exes is part of that. It’s a much better outlet than lashing out in person, though many of my friends read my blog so they get a pulse check on what’s really going on in my head sometimes.
I am annonymous, too, for many of these reasons.
Give yourself a break, Rachel, and don’t be afraid of occasionally hurting someone by telling the truth of what’s in your heart. It can be hard to grow when we’re sheltered from the way we truly affect people. And if someone doesn’t like what you have to say, well, then they can just stop coming here!
BlueBella´s last blog post…Exorcism
Rachel, I will call a spade by exactly that, a spade. I have no qualm in bashing and venting my anger and disappointment in my blog as it is an outlet to do exactly that. Would I worry about my daughter finding out? Nope. She was 16 when he left her. She is 18 now. She is big enough to learn how she is being treated by my ex and his family. She doesnt have to read my blog to know how it feels to be left behind.
Hanie´s last blog post…What’s Hot, What’s Not Part 1
I am now more confused than ever about this business of badmouthing exes. All the advice is don’t – because it harms the kids.
But, it is really difficult not to badmouth when an ex has behaved like an animal.
It is only now, thirteen years after my ex-wife running off with what she imagined was a more attractive prospect ( more money I think) that I realise she completely destroyed my life.
I don’t just mean that figuratively. I met her in 1977 and married her in 1978 and she finally flounced out in 1996- that’s nineteen years ! Plus, strange consequences over the last thirteen years have been hell too; and that couldn’t have happened if she hadn’t wrecked the family in 1996.
My goals in life were to earn a decent living to support the family comfortably and to build a close family life in a decent home.
She trashed the lot by her unwillingness to contribute anything at all to these goals.
And, the extra-ordinary nastiness she directed at me and her stated aim of alienating both my daughters has been incredible. She has actually succeeded with our eldest daughter who now is completely ‘brainwashed’ into a totally false belief system and has nothing to do with me. Putting that in perspective, the youngest daughter thinks her sister is bonkers.
So, how do I try and sort out my eldest daughter without badmouthing ?
It’s really vile, the whole thing.
Rocket´s last blog post…VERY BIG TERROR PLOT NOT VERY BIG OR TERRIFYING OR A PLOT, ADMIT POLICE