Being judged

by singlemomseeking on March 11, 2009

Many of you have read a certain blogger’s vindictive post about me today.

Nine hours have now passed since I first got the head’s up about his post. I’m left with sadness.

Thank you to all of you for your thoughtful, honest comments. And to those of you who called and emailed me, I really appreciate it. Please know that.

I do have more to say today at Singlemommyhood.

You can read more here.

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Canadian Bald Guy March 11, 2009 at 4:44 pm

For what it’s worth, he has apologized.

Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…Vacation with M: Day Five

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gina March 11, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Rachel- i have no idea about who said what but i hate those kind of people. f them. I have had someone say bad things about me in their blog, or so I have heard. I think it makes them look bad- not you. it sucks and it can really piss you off but i think you look good and they look like… well they look like what they really are.
love ya

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Nancy March 11, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Nope never heard it, read it, or care to.

I would love to tour that persons glass house though! [smirk]

Nancy´s last blog post…SUCKS

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Kari March 11, 2009 at 5:29 pm

So what… really in the grand scheme I know, oh do I know it hurts, but so what does it really matter? No, it doesn’t change what you already know about yourself, you are a wonderful woman and a phenomenal mother.

I’ve been judged as a mother and I know how much it hurts. It is part of why I don’t blog about mothering all that much or my story. I’ll share it with you if you want to know but not out in the open. Also, just as you have singlemommyhood, I have a mothers board for mothers in the same situation I am in and it helps and it is so much support and no judging there like that. As moms we need a place not to get judgement because it really is important when we have no partner/spouse… to give us some validation we do at least some of it right.

Kari´s last blog post…Update on George and T

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Mike March 11, 2009 at 7:43 pm

Sad it had to happen since it was harsh. Even if this a strongly held belief it could have been down without naming names or incidents. Coming from this source I know this must of really hurt.

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Laura March 11, 2009 at 8:16 pm

Gosh!

Sorry you were hurt Rachel but I honestly do not think Dave made the post to be vindictive – why would he?

But he has apologised – which has to count for something!

Laura´s last blog post…Can a square peg fit in a round hole?

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BlueBella March 11, 2009 at 8:31 pm

Well, Rachel, only YOU (and singlemommyhood) get my clicks today and I’m not even going to go find out the details on the big stink anyway.

You are fabulous and only you can make the right choices for your family. You are also human.

From the sounds of it I’ve made some similar choices in my time, too. . . as today’s post shows the aftermath of one of those choices. haha

Anyways – lots of HUGS! You are amazing.

BlueBella´s last blog post…Vindication

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from the desk of...me March 11, 2009 at 8:49 pm

i’m sorry to hear that someone used you to draw attention to themselves. however, i’m here to send some drops for your bucket. you have inspired me and i feel so blessed to have found your blog.

from the desk of…me´s last blog post…The Innocence of Childhood

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Nappy Kitchen March 11, 2009 at 9:27 pm

I think the issue is that he could have made his point a LOT more tactfully.

Rachel, keep your head up. We know that M is your world and that you would never do anything that would put her in harm’s way.

Rachel and David: Take a few days to breath, then kiss and make up.

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SDMktg March 11, 2009 at 10:09 pm

Keep your chin up. You’re a great mom and obviously have a lot of support.

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dadshouse March 11, 2009 at 11:12 pm

Rachel – first of all, I apologize for hurting your feelings. Please know my post did not come from a place of vindictiveness. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, or anyone else’s.

I blog about single parent issues. Figuring out how to date and have sex, while raising kids, is a huge issue for me, and for most every other single parent.

I read two posts: yours and Penelope Trunk’s, where a single mom brought a blind-date home for sex while their child slept in the other room. Neither post addressed the safety concerns of the child.

I reacted with my own blog post. In my post, I rendered my opinion about the specific choices made. I didn’t mean anything personal, but commenters read it that way since you and I know each other. I had not wanted or expected that, and I apologize.

In fact, I put an apology up this afternoon: http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/03/11/sorry-to-rankle/

I also emailed you twice today, but never heard back.

I hope you accept my heartfelt apology. I did not mean to hurt your feelings or cause you any pain. I regret that I posted a strong opinion without first consulting you.

dadshouse´s last blog post…Sorry to Rankle!

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Richsinglemomma March 12, 2009 at 5:39 am

To be honest I was kind of confused because I thought there was a positive relationship/friendship between you two.

I was saddened by what I read and more confused. It was not done in good taste and as another commenter said, the names could have been left out.

I know you will bounce back and take the high road and hopefully the friendship can be repaired.

All the best and much success!

Richsinglemomma´s last blog post…Wednesday Weekly Round-up – Single Dad Blogs

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Single Mom March 12, 2009 at 6:28 am

Sorry this happened. Keep your head up.

Single Mom´s last blog post…BRITNEY’S CONCERT

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Denise March 12, 2009 at 7:38 am

I’m a lurker, but felt I needed to comment on this. I’ve read the posts and all the comments. I think there is something deeper here that Dad’s House didn’t get.

I couldn’t relate to Rachel and the breastfeeding. In this breast is best world, I’m sure I’m opening myself up to criticism when I say I couldn’t get over my squeamishness about breast feeding. And my kid was older when I found myself on my own, so I wasn’t dating with an infant.

But I could relate to the need to be wanted for who I am, mother and all. I didn’t read Rachel’s post as being about sex with the kid in the other room or about letting a man taste breast milk, but as about something more basic.

My daughter is 9 and I still struggle with reconciling the mom with the woman. All of us, whether married, divorced, single,dating etc, have to work our way to a place where we are comfortable and we can be the moms we want to be, while also nurturing the women we are.

Maybe men don’t go through the same experience where being a parent comes in conflict with the sexual being they are.

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singlemomseeking March 12, 2009 at 9:10 am

Denise, thank you so much for this:
“All of us, whether married, divorced, single,dating etc, have to work our way to a place where we are comfortable and we can be the moms we want to be, while also nurturing the women we are.”

This is why I started this blog in 2006. I really appreciate the fact that you came out and said this.

I also wonder this: “Maybe men don’t go through the same experience where being a parent comes in conflict with the sexual being they are.”

Guys? Care to chime in?

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T March 12, 2009 at 8:16 am

Thinking of you and sending you love…

T´s last blog post…Adventures in Swimming, Part 2

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Bill March 12, 2009 at 9:26 am

“Maybe men don’t go through the same experience where being a parent comes in conflict with the sexual being they are.”

Sure it does. Maybe not in the exact same way, simply because of the differences in men and women, aside from marital status. But, as parents – caring parents that is, there is definitely going to be some conflict involved. I think the marked difference is that most single dad’s don’t have full time custody of their children. This leaves a lot of evenings free for them to cultivate the sexual side, outside of being a full time parent.

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VJ March 12, 2009 at 10:41 am

[I've indeed tried to post this here more than a half dozen times by now. It's also over @ the link at the babycenter.com blog in a slightly revised form].

Well I’ve not been able to read all the applicable comments in the cited posts, but I’ve read the posts in question (DH). A few things do stand out. While not as boneheaded as say the Pope forgiving Nazi loving heretic Bishops, it’s not at all clear what the central point was behind the post (DH’s).

Again, it seems to me that it all comes down to the central issue of Cluck! Cluck!, Them Single Moms are having SEX while their children are still in the house! OMG! How Dare they! Don’t they know the potential damage they might cause to their child’s precious precocious sense of self, sexual identity or personality development?!

Can we have a show of hands of the experts in developmental psychology here? OK now let’s think through this logically.

Some claim that a.) when you become a mother, you ipso facto are somehow Judged to be Less sexual By Others and hence Less needy yourself. b.) Others will claim (or imply) that while feeling sexual urges while a Single mom, you should certainly Hide them (well!) from your kids or otherwise be in more of a traditional LTR with your paramour or be automatically Judged some sort of deranged & dangerous slut. (Paraphrasing some of the more crazed comments here & elsewhere).

This then also falls under the rubric of the dreaded double standard for moms, single moms, and even single women too, BTW. No one is ever allowed to fully express their sexuality as a mom, or especially a Single mom, for the Shame of it all?! Or what? I really don’t know. Must disturb ‘the force’ somehow, right? Upsetting to the patriarchy? Always!

So if you actually enjoy sex, somehow you always must be ready to be judged by others, and be especially found wanting if you’ve got kids. So the fact that humans have an extended childhood, (especially with regards to modern societies), is automatically counted against the women. After all, they’re most often the custodial parent, and if they have more than 1 kid, that can easily mean a self imposed sentence of like 20 years of little or no active sex life.

Now then, a show of hands for those of whom this is a completely acceptable state of affairs? Certainly not for the single dads, who like to remind us that they too enjoy ‘quickies’ with yes, ‘relative strangers’ and yes, even ‘picking up the babes’ (flirting, DH) while out with their kids. Umm please tell me how all this is seen as perfectly fine for the dads to enjoy, but for the moms? Catastrophic! The cause of 100′s of judgmental responses admonishing every last one of those hussies to ‘keep it in their pants’. And certainly from men & women alike. That’s what I always enjoy. Shades of the never to be forgotten facets of the worst aspects 19th century morality tales. Did I say 19th c.? ‘The Scarlet Letter’ was an 18th century morality tale about single motherhood, written & recalled in the 19th. Recall that she too (Hester) was condemned to a sexless life as a single mom. Something’s never change evidently.

Grow up people. This is the 21st century. Single moms have & need adult relationships. And not just with their miserable ex’s either. Or their supportive but busy GF’s & family. They need & deserve adult companionship, and yes even Sex with other consenting adults sometime before the little ones are seen off to college, some decades hence. Is this so difficult to understand or cope with? Even for P. Trunk too? Why do we constantly feel the need to call out women & single moms especially and somehow declare, ‘there, That Brazen Careerist’, she’s just beyond the pale!’? I really just do not understand it. Not now, not ever.

So that’s more than my 2 cents on it. (The link is to a longer discussion on the same theme @ the BabyCenter.com blog) Cheers, ‘VJ’

VJ´s last blog post…Everybody hates Chris

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Kat Wilder March 12, 2009 at 10:58 am

I’m not a guy — well, last time I checked! — but I’ll chime in.
It’s the Madonna/whore thing.

I just don’t think men have that same experience. Once women become mothers, we can’t escape it.

As for what Dads wrote, his message — about bringing dates home, etc. — got obscured by a clumsy, misguided presentation and thus the focus on the messenger. I don’t think it was out of vindictiveness, maybe just obliviousness. This is, however, the danger of being “us” on the Internet. hugs to you

Kat Wilder´s last blog post…Sometimes pleasure isn’t so pretty

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singlemomseeking March 12, 2009 at 11:42 am

Kat, thanks for your comment, but here goes:

Unfortunately, he implied — more than once in his post — that I’m a horrible, irresponsible mother. He went right for any mother’s most vulnerable vein, and directed his judgment right at me. Why? I don’t know.

This is direct from his post: You jeopardized “your child’s physical, emotional, or mental health simply to quench your own fleeting desire for sex, that to me is irresponsible parenting. And pretty darn selfish.”

That’s more than “obliviousness.” It’s just unfortunate.

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April March 12, 2009 at 11:06 am

You’re braver than I am because there are many things I don’t write that I know will be judged harshly. I feel a bit conflicted here because the blogger in question came to my defense just a few weeks ago in a time when I really needed it. However, I completely disagree with what he posted about you. I chose not to comment either there or at the singlemommyhood post in an attempt to stay out of it. I do have strong thoughts and feelings, but I’m keeping them to myself. For now. Still, I admire your courage and strength.

April´s last blog post…Education Rant March 2009

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singlemomseeking March 12, 2009 at 11:14 am

The infamous VJ tried to post this comment this morning, and it wouldn’t go through!

So, direct from VJ, by way of email, here you go:

“Again, it seems to me that it all comes down to the central issue of Cluck! Cluck!, Them Single Moms are having SEX while their children are still in the house! OMG! How Dare they! Don’t they know the potential damage they might cause to their child’s precious precocious sense of self, sexual identity or personality development?!

Can we have a show of hands of the experts in developmental psychology here?
OK now let’s think through this logically.

Some claim that a.) when you become a mother, you ipso facto are somehow judged to be less sexual By Others and hence Less needy yourself. b.) Others will claim (or imply) that while feeling sexual urges while a Single mom, you should certainly Hide them (well!) from your kids or otherwise be in more of a traditional LTR with your paramour or be automatically Judged some sort of deranged & dangerous slut. (Paraphrasing some of the more dramatic comments here & elsewhere).

This then also falls under the rubric of the dreaded double standard for moms, single moms, and even single women too, BTW.

No one is ever allowed to fully express their sexuality as a mom, or especially a Single mom, for the Shame of it all?! Or what? I really don’t know. Must disturb ‘the force’ somehow, right? Upsetting to the patriarchy? Always! Do we know for certain it’s harmful to children in general? When & how? What are the causes, and how is this manifested, expressed or commonly seen in later life?

Is the loving expression of consensual adult erotic attention & activity so upsetting to others? Why & when? Why is there no similar concern or outrage over the much more common scenes of violence & abuse in many families? (Even the ‘intact’ and surviving & functional ones?) We well know that dynamic can often be demonstrably harmful to children. Mom sharing a snuggle or even a snog, seen in perhaps fleeting glances, if at all? Probably not too much.

So evidently if you actually enjoy sex, somehow you always must be ready to be judged by others, and be especially found wanting if you’ve got kids. So the fact that humans have an extended childhood, (especially with regards to modern societies), is automatically counted against the women. After all, they’re most often the custodial parent, and if they have more than 1 kid, that can easily mean a self imposed sentence of like 20 years of little or no active sex life.

Now then, a show of hands for those of whom this is a completely acceptable state of affairs? Certainly not for the single dads, who like to remind us that they too enjoy ‘quickies’ with yes, ‘relative strangers’ and yes, even ‘picking up the babes’ while out with their kids.

Umm please tell me how all this is seen as perfectly fine for the dads to enjoy, but for the moms? Catastrophic! The cause of 100s of judgmental responses admonishing those hussies to ‘keep it in their pants’. And certainly from men & women alike. That’s what I always enjoy. Shades of the never to be forgotten facets of the worst aspects 19th century morality tales.

Did I say 19th c.? ‘The Scarlet Letter’ was an 18th century morality tale about single motherhood, written & recalled in the 19th. Recall that she too (Hester) was condemned to a sexless life as a single mom. Something’s never change evidently.

Grow up people. This is the 21st century. Single moms have & need adult relationships. And not just with their miserable ex’s either. Or their supportive but busy GF’s & family. They need & deserve adult companionship, and yes even Sex with other consenting adults sometime before the little ones are seen off to college, some decades hence. Is this so difficult to understand or cope with?

Even for P. Trunk too? Why do we constantly feel the need to call out women & single moms especially and somehow declare, ‘there, That Brazen Careerist’, she’s just beyond the pale!’? I really just do not understand it. Not now, not ever.

And yeah, I’m a married traditionalist too.”

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won March 12, 2009 at 11:51 am

Here’s a copy of my post on your other site:

What a bunch of hogwash of an apology. My god, I can’t believe the pompous, self righteous shit that spews over there from his mouth.

What kind of genuine apology is this: “for any distress I may have caused.” How about an apology for what you DID indeed do, not what you “may have” done.

Also the amount of shameless self promotion within the apology itself is unimaginable to me, except that it serves to feed the writer’s ego. Come on…eight, count em…eight links to previously posted pieces in what is wrapped in to look like a sincere apology?!

This is sadly still not about your feelings Rachel. It is about David and his ego. It appears to me he is struggling to remain “it.”

I wrote to you this morning, privately. All I said was “sorry that today is likely to hurt.” I didn’t need to toot my own horn. I didn’t need to direct you here or there to read more of what I wrote or indulge me any other way.

I only point it out now as a contrast to illustrate sincerity and authenticity.

This is what is on my mind. I am glad you opened the door and gave me an outlet to express myself in a safe place. Thank you Rachel.

In the words of my late daughter:
“Breathe in the light, and blow out the darkness.”

won´s last blog post…Oh Brother…

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MindyMom March 12, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Go V.J.! Rachel, you know how I feel about all this through my own posts on the subject and in my comments over the last week on yours and other’s posts. I’m sorry you were hurt. You need not feel any shame, but I think you already know that.

MindyMom´s last blog post…Conflict

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judy March 12, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Oh, Rachel..cut your losses as it has been said.

C’mon he believes in casual sex, one night stands, and using single parenting as an alibi for booty calls….yet believes he is in a place to judge….I’d never date him ’cause he certainly does not meet my standards and I hazard to guess he has male/female double standards.

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SDMktg March 12, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Being a father definitely comes in conflict with being a sexual being. I realize not a lot of men are as lucky as I am to have my kids live with me more than half of the time. It is great but it also significantly limits the amount of time I can spend with my girlfriend. We don’t have a lot of “alone” time when I have the kids and with two they get a lot of my attention and affection. When I don’t have them I often miss them, especially when they’re with their mom for a long weekend.

I have turned down many social invites because it was my night with the kids and I felt like I should spend my time with them. 4 nights a week with them just goes by so fast. I could have them with me even more but then that would be less time they’d get to spend with their mom and they love her.

Conflicted? Yes…every day.

SDMktg´s last blog post…Healthy Grilled Hot Wings

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PT-LawMom March 12, 2009 at 4:14 pm

(((HUGS))) I was surprised by the tone of the post and also that he didn’t tell you but I do think it was a case of thoughtlessness, not a case of vindictiveness. Hope you guys are able to repair the hurt.

PT-LawMom´s last blog post…More Like It

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