How do you know when he’s just not that into you?

by singlemomseeking on February 6, 2009

As you probably know, He’s Just Not That Into You is premiering this week. Will you be seeing the movie? I just might brave the lines!

On that note…. RJ Jaramillo, founder of, has made a video just for YOU.

Here’s where RJ explains what he does when “I’m just not that into you…”

(Oh, RJ, are you saying that you’re just not that into me?)

On the flip side, women, how do you know when YOU’RE just not that into him?

We share the Top 10 Signs here on Singlemommyhood.

He’s Just Not That Into You: Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly.

P.S. If you haven’t read Mary Pols’ review, however, it is NOT stellar.

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Alicia February 8, 2009 at 5:56 pm

To pursue or not to pursue does sort of feel like game-playing. We are all adults. Most of us probably thirty or better. Don’t we really know if we’re interested or vice-versa. It’s really not that big of a mystery. Listen to your gut-9 times out of 10, what it’s telling you is right on. Kinda sounds cliche, but it’s true!


Anita February 8, 2009 at 3:45 pm

I loathe pursuing, but I would be lieing if I said I never did it. In fact I am pursuing now, but the words ‘he is just not that into you’ keep repeating in my head.

Should I take a step back? Probably and I have, but he keeps appearing. So what to do now?


GalPal1 February 8, 2009 at 1:25 pm

Well RJ’s comments certainly seem honest – although I’m with the others who have asked why not just be honest instead of booking back to back guy time and play dates. I don’t chase men and at times perhaps it has cost me a date or two, but while I’m a modern woman in many ways, I still think that if a guy wants to go out with you, he will ask. So, if he doesn’t ask, I move on to someone else and assume that he’s just not that into me. I’d much rather have a guy be completely honest up front and either just know we’re nothing more than friends or skip the friendship all together if we don’t even connect on that level. There is truly freedom in knowing when someone is not into you – the freedom to not wonder why he hasn’t called or if he will – and just look for someone that will.


Mike February 8, 2009 at 11:35 am

Why does it have to be anyone waiting to be pursued? I’m with somone who put as much into pursuing me as I put into pursuing her. And it’s great.
She knows how I feel and I know how she feels. Well, at least enough to know that we have a real interest in each other. We know we are into each other, so there’s no question about it.
I suggest if you’re interested make an effort to do some pursuing (man or woman doesn’t matter here), and maybe even let the other person know that it’s ok for them to pursue too. That way everyone takes the chance and hopefully it ends with a win-win.


Legal Editor Mom February 7, 2009 at 8:18 pm

Canadian Bald Guy,
I totally understand your point and there is nothing “wrong” with the woman making the first move, it’s just not my preference, or my style. I guess I’ve been fortunate that I’ve never had to, although unfortunately some of the guys who have pursued me didn’t interest me. But I guess being pursued takes the uncertainty out of it. No one wants to pursue someone only to find that that person isn’t interested. So for me, being the pursuee is “safe.” And flattering…


singlemomseeking February 7, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Judy: Last night, I was actually surprised by all the applause out here in the theater. I was quite disappointed in the women characters, who spent most of the film waiting for The Man…

I’d love to hear what the rest of you think.

Wow, Judy, that interesting about planning. I’m a planner in general — and I’ve found that to be challenging with single guys, too.


SDMktg February 7, 2009 at 1:28 pm

I think men and women both do that. Especially here in SoCal. No one wants to commit to a plan in advance in case something better comes along. “Would you like to have dinner with me next Thursday?” It’s a simple question really requiring a yes or no answer not “I’ll get back to you next Monday.” If they have to check their schedule and offer an alternative that’s fine but if they say “that won’t work because…” and leave it at that then you’re out.

SDMktg´s last blog post…Bacon Desserts in Time Magazine


judy February 7, 2009 at 11:12 am

I had free screening tickets to see the movie on Tuesday. I was there and standing in a too long line at 5:30 for a 7:00 show and the line was cut off 2 people in front of me. Snuck into the beginning which was cute and then snuck back into the end. Without seeing the middle, my GF and I guessed the ending play by play as each couple/character’s wrap-up was happening. What surprised us was the lack of enthusiasm and applause when it was over. Sounded like the theater was 1/4 filled not SRO.

I probably will see it after the hype with my DD as I am already starting to hear some of those chick alibi lines rolling off the tongues of her and her friends.

When I’m not not him I don’t answer his calls and return them when he is likely not to answer so I only have to leave a message.

I don’t think he is into me when he does not make an effort at calling or if he will not plan a date a week in advance. ..OK single dads you are allowed to be flexible with that to accommodate kids but that non-kid guy who says, “I’m not too sure what I’m doing next week, I’ll call you later when I know.” he’s history in my books


singlemomseeking February 7, 2009 at 10:19 am

Sydney and Hunter’s Dad: Hey, no name calling! Maybe you were joking….but I took out the mean-spirited lines.

This cold is kicking my butt and I’m cranky — so be warned folks.


Julie February 7, 2009 at 7:25 am

If I put off sleeping with him, I’m just not that into him. That’s not to say that I jump in the sack on the first date, but if a couple of months has gone by and I’m not feeling the itch…yeah, you’re toast.

Julie´s last blog post…Finally getting caught up.


Canadian Bald Guy February 7, 2009 at 4:11 am

Legal Editor Mom,

I guess if my interpretation of “pursue” isn’t the same as yours. There is nothing wrong with actually expressing interest.

On the flip side, why must the man make the first move? What is so wrong with the woman doing it?

I, personally, prefer a woman who shows me interest and makes the first move. At that point, I’d have NO problem “pursuing” her…especially if I knew that she was interested.

Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…The fear of doing wrong


Legal Editor Mom February 6, 2009 at 8:48 pm

Canadian Bald Guy,
I think you’re misinterpreting what we mean by “pursue.” At least from my viewpoint. I’m not talking about cat & mouse, or stringing the guy along as John F alludes to the whole elusive aspect. For me, anyway, pursuing can be as simple as striking up conversation (with intent as opposed to just being friendly), expressing interest, and ultimately doing the asking out. You don’t have to stalk me, for goodness sakes! Just make the first move!


John F February 6, 2009 at 5:45 pm

Pursuit is great. I mean you need to know there is at least the chance for a connection first, but yes, I love it.

To a point.

When a woman plays the whole elusive thing simply because she can, the pursuit becomes a drag and then I lose interest.

My what strange creatures both men and women are!

John F´s last blog post…Imagine, A Guy Asks For Directions!


SDMktg February 6, 2009 at 4:19 pm

I have to disagree with RJ’s take on multitasking. I try to give people my full attention but with 2 kids and demanding job there are times when I feel like I have to do 2 things at once and it has nothing to do with my feelings.

I was always straightforward when I wanted to get to know someone better. If I didn’t then the date ended with “it was nice meeting you” and not much more. No promises to call, no plans for later. If I could tell early on I’d make sure to mention how busy my life is, complicated my schedule, etc.

I didn’t mind pursuing as long as the person responded. I don’t like having to wait a day after I’ve left or sent a message for a response. Always getting voice mail also isn’t cool. Another thing is that I personally think responses should be at least at the same level as the original message. Voice mail deserves a call while you can respond to texts with texts. If it started feeling like a game or a test or whatever I lost interest pretty fast. My girlfriend always called me back and really seemed like she wanted to spend time with me, not like I had to convince her every time.

SDMktg´s last blog post…Bacon Desserts in Time Magazine


avigail74 February 6, 2009 at 2:36 pm

I’ve been the one to first start talking with every men that I’ve been with—at a salsa class, I grabbed the guy to be my partner (and we’re currentlyd dating); I’ve offered cheese and cracker to another guy at a party (it worked even though it was a VERY short relationship); I took photos of my ex-husband without his permission (and he noticed); told a guy who lived in SF that I used to live in SF and will be visiting soon (we had a two month affair)…hon, if you think I’m gonna sit on my tush and wait for my knight to come along, I’ll be waiting a dang long time!


Canadian Bald Guy February 6, 2009 at 1:54 pm

I’ve actually never been the biggest fan of “pursuing” women. At all. To me, you’re either interested in me or you’re not.

In the past, if I’ve had to “pursue” somebody that I was interested in who I thought was also interested in me, then I started wondering if the chemistry I felt was all in my head or not. Then it seems to be a game. “I like you…but I want you to chase after me to EARN my affection.” Yeesh.

In my 20’s, I didn’t pursue too much at all because, quite frankly, I wasn’t looking for a relationship nor was I ever really in a position where I needed to pursue.

Now as a single dad in my 30’s (one marriage, two kids, ten+ years, and thirty pounds later), I know what I’m looking for in a woman and in a relationship. And again, for me at least, “pursuing” is the same as playing a game…and I’m just too old for games at this stage in my life.

That’s not to say I’m not one for showering a woman with affection…whether it be emotional or physical or with gifts or whatever the case may be. But I don’t feel like I should have to “pursue” a woman if there is a mutual connection.

You’re either into me and we’ll explore that, or you’re not into me and we’ll both go our separate ways.

It’s just (as if you couldn’t tell) I really *REALLY* dislike the “pursuit”. My self-esteem can sometimes take a beating…why can you “pursue” me??

Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…The fear of doing wrong


singlemomseeking February 6, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Kat: Great questions, and I think it echos John’s point, that honesty is the best policy.

This is so right on:

“RJ — why the need for all the other actions — making back-to-back guy dates, only calling her for play dates, etc. Why not take your own advice and say, ‘I’m just not into you that way’?”

P.S. I took out the “TJ” and changed it to “RJ”….


singlemomseeking February 6, 2009 at 1:07 pm

John F: No one’s beating you up, hon!
We appreciate your honesty. Really.

John F. — and other men out there — do you enjoy pursuing women?

It’s clear that women love to be pursued (when they are into a guy), but do you enjoy doing the pursuing?

We’d love to know. Thanks.


T February 6, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Gosh no, John F. We’re not beating you up so much as asking you if we’re doing the right thing as women. We don’t know. You just happened to be the only guy speaking up, for now. 🙂

Please HELP!

T´s last blog post…Worse: The offense or the hiding?


John F February 6, 2009 at 10:40 am

Help, I am getting beat up! Maybe it’s an east coast-west coast thing.

John F´s last blog post…Imagine, A Guy Asks For Directions!


Kat Wilder February 6, 2009 at 10:03 am

Well, all RJ had to say from the get-go was his very last tip — he’s straight-forward and honest by saying, “hey, I want to be your friend but ..”

RJ — why the need for all the other actions — making back-to-back guy dates, only calling her for play dates, etc. Why not take your own advice and say, “I’m just not into you that way.” Because I think no matter how far along in a budding relationship/friendship, honesty is always appreciated.

How do I know when I’m not into a guy? When I feel attractions to other men that I’d like to act on, not just fantasize about. And then, I tell him “I’m just not into you …”

Kat Wilder´s last blog post…No, you can’t be my friend on Facebook


Amy Sue Nathan February 6, 2009 at 9:57 am

I think it’s obvious when a guy isn’t into you–if we allow ourselves to see it and believe it! As for the movie, I’m not sure I want to see what I’ve lived! I would rather be entertained. Would love to hear a “real girl” review though. 🙂

Amy Sue Nathan´s last blog post…Chicago area dietician suggests special meals for one


MindyMom February 6, 2009 at 8:28 am

Yep, I’m with T and Legal Mom – I have to feel like he’s the one pursuing. If he’s not I take it to mena he’s not that interested. I do think we as women have to send the signal that we are intersted in being pursued though.

RJ had a great point too about the sitter situation. That’s a big sign for me. If I don’t feel a guy is worth the trouble of getting a sitter then clearly I’m not into him.

MindyMom´s last blog post…Hockey Date (or Not)


Legal Editor Mom February 6, 2009 at 7:46 am

Ok so I didn’t answer the question. How do I know when I’m not that into him? For me, too, sparks have to fly. He has to attract and retain my interest. I need to think about him a lot and want to be around him, or forget it. He has to know how to communicate and hold conversation, be interesting, funny, charming, sensitive, smart, and a good combination of silly and serious, and know which is appropriate for what occasion! I know it sounds like a lot, but the bottom line for me is definitely chemistry!!


Legal Editor Mom February 6, 2009 at 7:35 am

I’m a lot like T…I do not and will not pursue. If a guy is interested, he has to express it or we will not connect.

And in my opinion, men do NOT seem to be more to the point as John says. I’ve noted the same thing T mentioned; you have a good time and discuss getting together again, then he never calls. And for me, that’s fine ’cause then I know that he wasn’t that into me, and I can write him off and move on. (Of course it would be nice if they were more upfront about not intending to call, but I think some people just aren’t that good about expressing how they really feel, and they probably don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings.) And I don’t buy that they’re just busy…we’re all busy. But we also make time for what’s important!

Even though I have a good handle on what I want out of a relationship and how I want to be pursued, I do plan to see the movie, even though I’ll probably end up waiting until it’s out on DVD. I think it’s a great topic, and will be an eye opener for a lot of women.


T February 6, 2009 at 7:15 am

Ok, but let’s say this.

I’ve decided not to “pursue” any more. If they’re interested, they have to make the move. But after reading John F’s comment, it makes me wonder…

I went out on two lunch dates with two different guys within two weeks.

They both seemed very interested. They both kissed my cheek or forehead after and said they most definitely want to get together again. After our lunch dates, I even received emails from both of them saying they want to meet again. I responded to both agreeing.

It did take some time for us to get together initially. Our pre-date communication was pretty lax since all of us have busy schedules.

Now I wasn’t that into them… but I thought I’d give it a chance since they were both nice guys.

But now, I haven’t heard from either of them to schedule the next dates. It really doesn’t matter to me, at this point, because I’m like R.J. If the chemistry isn’t there, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.

But still, I wonder if I missed some sort of sign that I should have looked out for. Just to add to my dating knowledge. Or if its expected that I will contact them again.

Cause if that’s what they’re waiting for, it ain’t gonna happen.

I need sparkly chemistry. I can’t help it!

Thank you Rachel for getting that cutie pie R.J. to show his handsome face around here again. Always good to get a man’s perspective!

T´s last blog post…Worse: The offense or the hiding?


John F February 6, 2009 at 6:29 am

Give the guy credit for honesty. I know a lot of women after the first “date” simply drop off the face of the planet. We end the evening saying it was great and we plan to do it again, and exchange numbers and so forth–but then nada.

Men are definitely to the point. And believe it or not, we can take rejection. All I ask is for a little honesty–is that so much?

John F´s last blog post…Imagine, A Guy Asks For Directions!


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