Come clean, please:
Do you always Google someone before a first — or second — date? (Because if you’ve met someone online, you usually don’t know his/her last name until after the first date, right?)
How long do you wait before you type in his/her name into your computer?
The last time I Googled a recent date, I was led to a long article about him and his former wife.
Did I really need to know how they’d decorated the home they once shared — and the name of their dog?
Uh, not yet.
I used to be a researcher in New York City, so my curiosity often gets the best of me. But all that information is just too much to swallow all at once. Do you know what I mean?
I’m vowing to put a stop to Googling dates. At least until we’ve gone on a few of them.
There’s something to be said for spontaneity. (Even if I’m itching to know how much money he contributed to the Obama campaign; and if we have any friends in common on Facebook.)
In a “Modern Love” column for the New York Times – “So, Tell Me Everything I Know About You” — writer Joanna Pearson put it this way:
“I realize it’s hard to resist the impulse when we live in an age of nonstop access… But in the long run it’s a little less interesting, isn’t it? Just as when you turn the corner and find yourself face to face with your cute new neighbor.”
On this note, Crazy Computer Dad also sent me Judy McGuire’s most recent piece on CNN, “Dating — what NOT to say when.”
“There are many things you should NOT talk about on the first few dates. Still, living in a post-privacy world begs the question: How much information is too much information? Negotiating the privacy line becomes especially crucial when dating someone new.”
(You can read Judy’s modern-day dating guidelines here.)
In the meantime, Do you always Google your date early on?
Or, do you refrain and try to get to know him/her in person first? If so, how long do you wait before you Google?
And if a man Googles me, oh Lordy, he’s in for some surprises, isn’t he?
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
I almost never google or otherwise research a person online. I would rather unwrap them myself over time. I did google a fellow blogger once and while it led to some interesting information, but it wasn’t really anything different from what they were writing on their blog.
There is a strange privacy line that is sometimes hard to follow in dating. I want to know more about this person, but it is sometimes hard to know what questions I should ask or avoid in the first few dates.
When people learn my name, it isn’t too hard to find my blog from there. Sometimes I mention it and of course they immediately want the juicy details. I usually don’t have a problem giving it to them. There isn’t anything juicy there anyway.
Sometimes I feel like it can save time because they can get an idea of what my daily life is like and if they don’t like it they can just move along. I do have some safety and privacy concerns about what I write, but I also know if I don’t share then I either don’t find the support I need or other parents looking for help will have to keep going through the same isolation I feel like I have been through.
I’m sure when they google you Rachel they are impressed, inspired, and illuminated.
Crazy Computer Dad´s last blog post…Um….
Two things…I won’t ever go out with someone, or meet them, unless I know their last name. I mean truly — how else will your friends track you down if you go missing, trace the car, etc.
That being said — I google as soon as I can. I’ve never found secrets, or home decor (not sure why that would bother you, you’ve also had a former life) but I have found that the men I’ve met are who they say they are. I’ve not found anything too personal, and believe it or not, many people are not google-able. Actually if someone can’t be googled, I tend to think that is odd, and I am usually disappointed.
Do I admit to Googling? (hangs head) Not until now!
Amy Sue Nathan´s last blog post…Little indulgences are a big deal
Not giving up Googling before a first date.. EVER….
I only say that because thanks to my Googling, I found out that a man I met online was a registered sex offender. I didn’t have to have his last name… his cell phone number led me to his business name, which led to his last name, which led to a great article about how he violated his probation and landed in jail… because he propositioned a minor, and arranged a meeting with a minor.
Anywho, I’m super glad that I did that prior to going out with him.
But that’s just MY experience. And it was on a paid dating site that I met him too…
i’m too nosey to stop…
I’ve googled, for the same reason that Amy Sue Nathan mentioned; to see if I can verify that they are who they say they are. Meeting people online is a little scary, no matter how careful you are, you could still meet someone who has lied on their profile. I did Google a guy once, after the first date, and found his facebook page and discovered he was married! I know what you mean about finding the ex wife though, I dated a guy who had a business with his ex, it was a little weird to be looking at a picture of the two of them.
I agree strongly with Amy Sue. Last name, of course.
I always “google” because I had an upsetting experience with someone who totally misrepresented himself. No interest, either, in married guys on the prowl. I’m very wary of anyone with “zero google”.
Of course, “googling” goes both ways. It’s always interesting to see how the subject comes up (or doesn’t) on a first date.
Here’s a “google red flag” for me: It’s okay if he knows basic information about me –I’m a psychologist who wrote a book about single moms.
I am spooked and (forever) turned off if he comments upon information that requires some digging—for example, employment history.
That information is accessible online, of course, but there’s a world of difference between a quick Internet search and some variation on a background check.
Dr.Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post…Are you going to see Inkheart?
So how is online any different than picking up that cutie hanging out at the bar? The availability of the info is what has changed. Your relative risk is the same if you meet online-ungoogled as it is in real life.
Google can be a relationship killer. What you might otherwise overlook or decide you can live with may be a deal killer in google.
Yes, I google but I take it for what it is; a little snipet about someone but not the whole story. I would like to think he would do the same. It does give you more inforamtion than you would get organically, but to me it’s just part od the equation.
MindyMom´s last blog post…Single Mom Lost
I am a little offended Dr. Leah! I am “un-googleable”…J/K! I always know their last name as well…and I tend to google them, not to find dirt, just to make sure they don’t have a record! I have too much at stake (my beautiful daughter)to go out with someone who is the least bit shady! What advice would you give M if she were about to meet someone she’s never met? As far as the difference in mtg people online or in a bar..there is a huge difference. If you actually meet them first, as opposed to online, you get a sense of their sense of humor, how comfortable they are with themselves, their appearance, etc., etc.
I have only Googled when my potential dates told me to. For one guy, it was a source of pride — he had been all over the news in the past, and on the cover of a magazine.
When I first met Sean (online) he gave me a few clues to Google and it was a bit of a game to figure out who he was. It was fun (although there wasn’t much of real substance about him on the ‘Net).
I agree; it does take the mystery and thus a bit of the romance — out of things. One can be safe meeting someone without getting TMI
Kat Wilder´s last blog post…Experienced, or just a slut?
I have never googled a date – I will look for them on FB and thats about it!
It never crossed my mind to be honest!
laurakim´s last blog post…Bride Wars – a movie review
Heather: That’s a good point about safety. And you certainly had to do some research to find that out. I hope you reported him to the site!
Amy Sue: Although many men I’ve met online DO give me their last names by email… many do not freely offer that info.
I agree with Kat that safety isn’t necessarily about knowing a man’s last name or where he works. It’s about having boundaries, meeting in a bustling public place, and listening to your gut.
My latest relationship debacle all started with, well, google. We met briefly at a business meeting, and he (unbeknownst to me until the 3rd date) googled me and found EVERYTHING. My blog. My twitter account. My entire dating history, information about how my children came to be, my divorce, my single parenthood, my lack of sleep, my lack of SEX… it’s hard to say if that had anything to do with the fact that the relationship crashed and burned – but he definitely thought he knew a lot more about me then he actually did. Reading about someone is a lot different than KNOWING someone.
Hmm…you know, thinking back to the few dates I’ve had since Google, I haven’t really searched their names. Weird.
Now, though, I’m beginning to wonder if they searched me. Probably. It would take a little effort to find me as I have a common name with some more famous eponymous people (I might be…page 3 of Google).
Still, in truth, I don’t care if someone searches me on the internet to find out about me. I’m not dishonest in life and I’m not on the web. So go nuts! (And now that I’m trying to blog…eep!)
Hi Rachel,
I am so guilty of this. Since e-mail is often an early part of the pre-dating process I have found myself doing e-mail searches on Facebook, Myspace and Classmates before the first date. Women I have met on one dating sites often have profiles on another site with very different information. I have forgone first dates because of information I have uncovered which was in direct conflict to information I have been provided. One really recent finding was someone whom I was communicating with thru Facebook portrayed themselves as a very sweet and innocent person who was “looking for a wholesome old fashioned relationship” When I did an e-mail search I found a string of ads she had posted on Craigslist as a dominatrix . I did go out with her armed with this information, It was a really fun date but I acted and behaved differently than I would have had I not had this information. So is this a good thing? I do not know but to answer your question, Yes! I do!
I have never googled a date, and I don’t plan to start.
You Googlers might enjoy the Redwood Room in San Francisco – it’s where the super attractive women go to meet the super rich men. I was there once, my head getting whiplash from so much head-turning. One man in a suit (I was dressed in slacks and a long-sleeve shirt) came by and patted me on the shoulder. “Want to meet one of these women?” he asked. “Just show her your W-2″
Dating is an exploratory process, done in person. Not a research experiment that you google.
dadshouse´s last blog post…Trading a Can of Whoop-Ass for Compassion
For me if everything is going okay I don’t google, but when things start going weird I usually do.
I never think about Googling! But then again, I haven’t actually had a first date yet. You know how I keep attracting the losers who…
…wait for it….
harsh my mellow. ROFLMAO!
Dad’s House: I wonder if women in general are Googlers… more than men.
Based on the above comments, it seems that women mostly Google for a last-minute safety check.
As most of you point out here: Google really isn’t going to show you who the real person is, right?
A high profile author emailed me last month on JDate and suggested I Google him so I could see who he was. (I was foolishly impressed!).
The day before our date, he sent me a text to cancel our dinner. (Maybe he’d Googled me? I don’t know.)
He texted you a cancellation? Hmm…that’s not right…
Matt T.´s last blog post…You’re next, Simons!
I used to Google my dates. But then I stopped dating. There are no longer any single men in my age bracket in the greater Cincinnati area. If they ever come back, I’m sure I’ll Google it up.
Erica´s last blog post…WOW!
Not that I ever worried about it, but I guess I should be glad that googling me brings up pleanty of people…..who are not me *L*. And with the exception of my address (which is “me”), if you did find the few things that are about me, you wouldn’t know it. You have to really dig for those few items and still wouldn’t know it was me……it could be one of the other guys.
I must say that I’ve never personally googled a date, preferring to trust my instincts and gut. However, I’d understand someone doing it, and have had plenty of dates who googled me. I never was offended by that. Is it different if you’re a woman?
Jorge Fitz-Gibbon´s last blog post…Is Spongebob bad for our kids?
I Google, Facebook, MySpace, I am quite the cyber sleuth. I like to know who I am dealing with and whether they are who they say they are. I am curious as to whether all of their Myspace friends are half naked women, their Facebook lists them as “in a relationship” when they say they are single, and/or whether they work where they say they work. I also have no problem if they Google me. I am highly google-able. Most of the time, before I meet a person, we have already perused each others Facebook and/or Myspace pages and added each other (both of my pages are private so I have to add people). I have nothing to hide and they should not either.
David: Oh my goodness! That “dominatrix” ad is somethin’ else.
See, I sometimes wonder if guys have randomly disappeared on me — before a first date — because of information they’d “uncovered.”
Or is it just the flakiness of online dating?
I’m curious: Did you ever tell these women what you’d found out by Googling them?
Ms. Educated: I appreciate when you say, “I have nothing to hide.”
I feel the same way! (If you didn’t know…)
Syd, this line is a jewel, thank you:
“Reading about someone is a lot different than KNOWING someone.”
guilt googler here and every time I come up with stuff I know..or it is actually someone else with the same name….and the more I google the more I try and then I get frustrated and realize what a complete and udder waste of time it was and vow never to do it again
I’m also pretty ‘un-Googleable’, and for any number of reasons. I’m not dating. If you need to reach me, I’m listed in the phone book. Most people in my small town either know me or of me, and know how to find me soon enough.
But I really hate all the ‘self disclosure’ chic, esp. for guys. Yes, find out if he’s an offender, but much beyond that on a first date? It can be dangerous & counterproductive. You can imagine more about him/her even with what little info you’ve managed to ‘dig up’.
I think the ultra high expectations that everyone has for their dates/paramours/lusts is one of the reasons why we’ve got so many lonely & very frustrated folks online & elsewhere. Everyone’s looking for their very own Prince or Princess. Most of us are just mostly normal, with everyday flaws and not so photogenic (without at least some help from photoshop or make up).
Meeting someone is special. There’s either that instant ‘connection’ or mutual feelings of interest, or else it starts sliding backwards into ‘can’t we just be friends territory’. That takes about 7 seconds or under to assess. ‘Gee he/she’s really bigger/older/thinner/shorter than I imagined or they said!’ Instantly. You can judge at least what your eyes are telling you about the reality in front of you. You really can’t do that with Google, and you often can’t even come close.
So all too often we get the ‘drive by’s: You’re Googled by your prospective date and found somehow wanting! ‘She’s a writer with a Blog! Horrors! I’ll wind up there ID’d & mocked by this (possible) harpie for all of her bloggy pals to titter over! Just some grist for her entertainment’. Hence they bail. Before even meeting for the first time. Ditto for the guys. The gals Google them and find out that ‘being in education’ means that he actually teaches 3-4th Grade. (‘EWWWW! How Creepy!’ some gals will say…). Export-import means he’s shipping in crap from China (hey Everyone’s doing it), and you’re now less enamored of his decent salary & ‘lifestyle’. Or he’s not disclosed he’s got a few more kids than you do. And that one of them has a ‘hidden’ blog where they complain about all of daddy’s ‘GFs’ or even ‘Ho’s’. Despite there being only perhaps 2 in 3 years. (Kids can still feel resentful that way).
So really other than real safety reasons No One comes out ahead when you Google ahead of time. Into a couple months relationship that may be heading deeper perhaps? That may be the juncture where you really do a Professional ‘Joe Culligan’ on them. No fooling around there!
But very few people really need to know my history. Or even substantial chunks of it. I’m here, I’m now. I’ve got accomplishments I’m proud of, some minor actions I’ve regretted at my leisure, but few people really need to know (or actually want to know, really) all this. (It really bores them mostly, and then eventually annoys them!) All anyone ever really wants to know is: Are you safe? Will you perhaps harm me in the future? And have you ever really endangered or substantially harmed anyone in the past? If so for what reasons, and what were the consequences & outcomes? Beyond that they’ll eventually want that W-2, or some reasonable facsimile thereof. But you get the picture. Eventually. And most of the time Google is as likely to confuse or mislead you about all this morass as actually ‘inform’ you reasonably well enough to avoid such mistakes.
Cheers, ‘VJ’
Almost always! The last guy I went on a ‘date’ with (should never have gone) has quite the reputation of a ladies man, and yep turned out that way as well!!
Keep googling ladies…
I was waiting for you VJ, and you sure gave it to us!
I couldn’t agree more about this when it comes to dating:
“All anyone ever really wants to know is: Are you safe? Will you perhaps harm me in the future? And have you ever really endangered or substantially harmed anyone in the past? If so for what reasons, and what were the consequences & outcomes? Beyond that they’ll eventually want that W-2, or some reasonable facsimile thereof.”
Do you all agree?
I still say that it’s about as likely to Misinform someone as to actually usefully inform them. If he’s a ‘secret player’, and you suspect this? Perhaps then that might prove useful. And strangely enough, most of my family is about the same way too about this perverse need to inform the world about yourself & the wonders of your life.
Be that as it may, it seems to be the coming trend, and many people really don’t want to consider the downsides of such folly. They almost never do. So I’m happy to be married to someone who always has.
The saftey question is always a substantial one, and one that can remain hidden for months, if not years. It’s one that concerns mothers especially naturally, but it’s also one of the great unknowns of clinical psychology too. We still can not accurately predict which Offenders will recommit crimes and be re-incarcerated as a result. No known test or instrument can accurately predict that currently. How on earth can a mere cursory search on the net meet or satisfy such requirements? Most of the real ‘criminal files’ for most states are Private and closely held data bases.
But this is something that in meeting and interacting with someone might be able to provide some valuable insights. Are they quick to anger? Seem Overly jealous? Not very self aware? Deeply resentful of most women, or just most (all?) of his ex’s? How’s his relationship with his family, parents & relations? Distant, estranged and/or confused somehow? How does he talk about his past relationships? Does he seem to understand what ‘might have gone wrong?’ Does he seem to have a pat & ready answer to all your questions? Does he Not have any real or ready answer to many of your simple & valid questions? Does he enjoy physically intimidating people? Would anyone describe him as the ‘bad boy’/bully type either now or way back when? What’s changed? can he explain in short simple sentences what he’s been up to for the last few years? Does it actually make sense? About why & how he dates?
All are clues that most women can garner within a few spare minutes of meeting Mr. Coulda Been Right. A half hour perhaps if you’re a sly diligent little ferret, perhaps by a 2nd date for those shy & retiring types who may be awed by pristine, impressively good looking physical specimens. I could go on. But by in large, the things you can do face to face, watching their real time reactions, are much more valuable than most of the stuff you’re likely to easily find on the net. That’s where anyone really ought to be investing their valuable time.
And gee, thanks for thinking about me and one of my fav ‘bugbears’! Grrr…. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’