Something unexpected happened the night before Obama’s inauguration. (And no, it is not about dating!)
After my kickboxing class, I was driving home from the gym, talking to M, reminding her how historical January 20 was going to be. We were pumped.
I said, “You remember that Obama was raised by his mother and his grandparents, right?”
“Just like me!” she chimed in from the backseat.
Silence, and then she said:
“Mommy, you know how I was playing at my friend V.’s house and her Mommy has that special camera where you can talk to people?”
“Yes,” I said.
She was referring to one of my dear single mom friends, who “video Skypes” with her friends in Venezuela.
“Do you think that Eric has one of those?” M said.
Honestly, when she said “Eric,” I didn’t know who she was talking about. I have a friend named Eric, who designed my website. But then I got it.
“Eric?” I said. “Do you mean, your father?”
M: “Yeah, if he has a camera like that, I can talk to him, right?”
Me: “You want to talk to Eric on the camera?”
M: “Yes, because at V.’s house, her mom’s friend sent this High School Musical video over the Internet and we watched it. I want to do that.”
Me: Taking a deep breath.
She has never mentioned him.
I’ve brought him up many times, off and on, since she was a baby. I’ve showed her photos. I’ve told her funny stories. I’ve always talked about him positively. But she has changed the subject, or seemed disinterested.
Until now.
First, I’m fascinated by the fact that she called him “Eric,” and not “my father.”
In her book, The Complete Single Mother, Dr. Leah explains:
”It does not matter what your child calls an absentee dad, but do not be surprised if your kid(s) stops referring to him as ‘Dad’ and start calling him by his first name.”
Dr. Leah explains that this is “about the emotional distance your kids might be expressing.”
And what does The Sanity Fairy suggest?
“If your ex has any kind of permanent address, encourage your child to write or e-mail him, if you are reasonably sure he’ll respond. It would be heart breaking to watch your kids expecting an instant reply or snail mail which never arrives.”
So, now what?
I don’t have an address. I don’t have a phone number, either. But I do have an email address.
Almost a week has passed since she brought him up. She hasn’t mentioned him again.
I have to do the right thing and contact him. Right?
There’s only one reason I dread this: I’m afraid he’ll disappoint her.
Of course, that’s ridiculous. That’s my baggage — not my kid’s.
Help. Any advice?
~~~
This week at Singlemommyhood.com, Dr. Leah gives another mom advice about bringing up “Daddy” with her preschooler.
“He will ask about his father,” says Dr. Leah. “This will probably happen at the most unlikely moment….”
(Yes, that’s really a photo of him, which I “photo-shopped.”)
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Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
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Again, going through something kind of similar. I was terrified to let Sami’s dad back into his life after a 10 months disappearing act for that very reason. I’d afraid he’d get hurt. And Sami is hurting in a way – now he wants to see him and does not have the kind of access to him that he would want. (He does call him by his name and not “daddy” by the way, so I was so grateful for Dr. Leah’s interpretation of that behavior).
The way I look at it, the best we can do as parents is to authentically respond to our children’s desires to know their dads. You are doing the right thing to reach out to him and you can let M know that you’re trying. If he doesn’t respond, then you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it. Children are so resilient, and while it’s impossible to go through life without getting hurt, at least she knows how much you and your family love her and how safe and secure she is with you. My heart aches for you mama, this is so tough!!
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Wow. Big hug. You never fail to be amazing
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Well, in true Eric form, he has replied here, on the blog.
Talk about a reality show.
That’s him: “Big Guy” (the nickname I used to call him).
I’ve told M that she can send him an email, and she just did.
Something must be in the air because my daughter (who hasn’t seen her dad in a year, and even then it was for a day) asked to go see her “daddy” the other day. Even though shes oh-so young there are things that remind her of him from time to time. I ask her if she wants to call him but she says no. She wants to see him. I will be buying the tickets (we live far from each other) and hoping like crazy things turn out right. But there is that fear… It’s so hard to see our babies hurt. And of course I will cover for him. Shes not old enough to understand anyhow.
Well my comment is not important at this point so … at least not on this subject but I was wondering How is this making you feel?
ps so he reads your blog
Good that you have responded, “ZenCupid,” “Rick” or whatever name suits your day. Be good to M, don’t let her down again.
And make sure you send the well overdue child support, buster.
Yes, you should contact him. Your daughter brought him up because she feels it’s time. Just because she hasn’t mentioned him before this, doesn’t mean she doesn’t think about him, wonder about him. He’s her dad.
I do think you’re doing well to approach this all with caution. Just don’t put the brakes on completely.
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Whoa! He responded here?! Wow!
Well, I’m excited that he is reaching out to talk to her. Please let M M lead the way, Rachel. Allow her to feel whatever she needs to feel about him and contact with him. Please be aware of projecting your own disappointment with him on her. Her thoughts, feelings and perception of him will be different from yours because she is not you. Let her be. And listen. Love. Accept.
Hugs! I hope she enjoys hearing from him!
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Hope this doesn’t sound strange–I don’t want to scapegoat Eric–this is not the time.
Eric–I personally know Rachel and M M—there’s one thing I can say–you will be VERY proud of M M and all her accomplishments. She’s really a wonderful, strong little girl. I hope that you’ll find her as fascinating as I do!
Best,
Avigail
As a been there done that with an 8 (almost 9) year old myself…I have to say that if she’s verbalized it, you should follow through. For a number of reasons. (1) if she’s verbalized it, she’s probably been thinking about it for a while and has finally chalked up the nerve, (2) by not contacting him, one day it just may turn on you and YOU could be seen as the bad guy, (3) as scary as the possibility of her being disappointed by him is, if it’s goiong to happen, it’s going to happen. I say better at 8 instead of in the middle of puberty and teenage angst., finally (4)….just maybe, it could lead to a good thing, help her feel good about her choices and help her further discover just who she is by talking to the person who initially helped create her.
It breaks my heart everytime my X disappoints my littleman, but you know, I truly believe that by withholding communication completely, even when he’s requested it, would do more harm than good to MY relationship with littleman. He knows that he can trust me, he can count on me and that I will always follow through….I thaink M knows that of you too….and that’s why she felt safe enough to ask.
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Obviously, if you don’t let M talk to Eric, she’ll one day do it without your help. But I think you’ve been smart not to speak negatively of him, no matter how bad yall’s (uh, oh, Texan-word alert) relationship was.
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Wow… strange that he still keeps the same email address you had…but he NEVER tried to contact you to contact MAE?! But obviously he reads your blog! WOW!! I just hope there’s a good outcome out of all of this, and for M’s sake, she’s NOT disappointed! Good Luck Rachel! As a mother I know this is a difficult situation!
In a bit of a “PostSecret” moment, I’ve got a 12 year old daughter that I’ve never met and only a select few people in my life even know about.
I was young and stupid and didn’t fight when her mom wanted to go away and never see me again.
At the time, I saw it as an “out”…not having to worry about raising a child when I could still go around being selfish and crazy.
But as time has passed and I have become father to two more absolutely beautiful children, I simply cannot fathom just how dumb I must have been at the time to not have fought harder to keep her in my life.
I can’t tell you whether or not to contact the father in this case, but I know for a FACT that if my ex contacted me and told me that our daughter was asking about me (and she has my email address so it’s always a possibility), I would go out of my way to ensure that I did whatever it took to repair the damage I caused by not being around for so, so long.
I think your daughter at least deserves you contacting him and seeing if he’s interested in being a part of her life. If he’s not, at least you tried.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog post…Daddy issues
Canadian Bald Guy: Thanks for sharing your “post secret.” Wow. And good for you for being in your daughter’s life.
Thanks to ALL of you for your advice. This is helping SO much — and there’s more to tell, soon!
GLSD: For the record, Eric has sent an occasional email over the past seven years, usually around a birthday, one or two lines.
I’ve always shared the emails with M — and asked if she wanted to write.
She always said “no.” Until now — when she took the initiative.
Rachel, that’s nice to know. M is definitely growing up. That’s great. At least now the relationship will be because M wanted it and took the initiative, not something that she felt forced to do. It’s on her terms. Amazing young lady you have! Good luck to you and M!
Well as someone who has been on both sides of this story, as the daughter and the mother, I’ll say that I think that whatever you decide will be the right thing to do.
I never met my dad or talked to him until I was in my 30’s. I knew about him, but never had a way to contact him. When I was 16 my mother was working for the police department and got his address for me to give to me on my birthday. I held onto that wondering if I was ready for the worst case scenario. It wasn’t until I was 32 that I finally felt capable of dealing with rejection or acceptance. I ended up rejecting him, because he wasn’t the kind of person I wanted in my life.
As for my sons father, my youngest never really knew him as his father. Scott, my ex, never really even treated my youngest like he was his son… just in name only. Jack even told Scott one day “You’re not my dad, you’re Roger’s dad”, Roger being my oldest son. Neither of them have asked about their dad since Scott stopped calling them. We’ve talked about it, and they feel like since he’s not trying to contact them anymore, that they don’t feel the need to talk to him. My youngest feels closer to my boyfriend now anyway, and calls him his “Father Figure”. They are now 15 & 13, and I left their dad when they were 2 & 4.
Don’t know if that helps or not, just another perspective on the issue!
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I really hope that my child was told about me and I hope they are searching for me too. Maybe someday we’ll meet.
Rachel, why does it always feel like you’re protecting this asshole? For example, why tell M amusing stories (about her dad), etc. at a time when she didn’t ask for them? I’m very surprised at all the comments “hoping for the best”. Any man who walks away from his kid, and knows full well how to contact his child, and chooses not to doesn’t deserve any good wishes. I do feel your pain and concern. And I truly do hope M’s heart isn’t too badly broken.
I have to agree here. My X and I split up when my daughter was 4 months old. He never treated her or me with love so I ended our marriage within a year. He never really visited her and I never asked for support. He is from the next state over and refused to visit because I would not pay for him to come and see his only child. He has never called her or sent her any kind of gift on her birthday. She has not asked about him because I just make no mention of him, but she did once ask if she has a father and I told her “no” (I was caught completely off guard). She repeated herself and I said no, you have me and I am your mom and your dad in one. I continued by telling her that she has something a lot of other kids don’t have like lots of grandmothers and grandfathers (mine are still alive) and that every family is different. I don’t think we should make excuses for dead beats. I purposely did not ask for support and allowed him visitation so that when she does grow up nothing can be put on me that I did not allow for communication between the two of them.
He does know how to get a hold of me and her but choses not to. And the topping to all this is that his mother is the same as he, does not contact her only grandchild. I look at it as it being better for my daughter, she does not have to deal with disappointment or rejection, or know that there are heartless people out there. I harbor no hard feelings to him, I just don’t tell my daughter anything about him.
That breaks my heart.
Of course, I just finished an e-mail exchange with my father that was very disappointing. . .. Sometimes dad’s are.
E-mail me, I am a ridiculously good stalker. I bet I can find his phone number and address for you pretty quickly. I’m the hunter. He’s the fox.
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Canadian Bald Guy: If you’re pining to do the right thing and become involved in the life of the child you abandoned, being young and stupid is no longer a valid excuse… you should just do it and not wait for the invite which may never come.
Big Guy: ditto above.
Rachel: Although it would be unconscionable to deny M the opportunity to attempt to forge a relationship with her deadbeat dad, here is my take based on what I witnessed between my ex wife and her miserable deadbeat dad. The dysfunctional and toxic relationship she had and continues to have with her dad, has had a catastrophic impact on her emotional well being and her self esteem. In the nearly eight years I spend with her I only met him a handful of times (too many). I can’t remember a time when she did not break down in tears after seeing or talking with him. I could never talk to her about her relationship with her father without her going nuts. I can say with absolute certainty that she would have been far better off if her dad had permanently disappeared from her life, never to return, when she was just a wee little girl!
@Sydney&Hunter’sDad: Thank you! What you described is exactly what I fear for my son. Some things are just better off left alone.
Alicia: surely what I said smacks of the truth in far too many cases, and these deadbeat parents should be hung out to dry, and while we want to do everything in our power to keep our children out of harms way, especially from the devil we know, it would still be unconscionable to either deny our children the opportunity to meet the parent who abandoned them, should they have the desire; or deny the deadbeat parent the opportunity to meet their child should they come around, after all, there is a chance (no matter how small), that they may have changed and are now capable of being a positive and productive part of that child’s life. In a perfect world, children need and deserve a loving, caring, and involved mother and father. It’s a tough situation regardless, with a potentially dysfunctional parent who abandons a child… best of luck! Your son is lucky to have you!
Alicia: Your comment has been weighing on me, re: “Rachel, why does it always feel like you’re protecting this asshole? For example, why tell M amusing stories (about her dad), etc. at a time when she didn’t ask for them?”
In my defense, it’s not like I’ve sat around telling heroic stories about him. There were told in the context of dialogue about family.
Are you suggesting that I speak negatively about him in front of my child?
Imagine the damage a mother could do by drilling into her child anything negative about her father, who’s her biological half?
No thank you.
Rachel, I would NEVER suggest you speak negatively to M about her father, as I have never done that, and am firmly against speaking in a negative way about the absent parent. Of course it only hurts the child further. Last year my son’s father decided that he would not have anything more to do with our son after I refused to “return” $500 in child support that was “overpaid”. Nevermind that he only saw him about 3 times a year anyway (he lives 45min. away). Rachel, I am hurt and angry, and I guess I projected these feelings onto you unfairly. We’re all on the same side. I do apologize.
Ladies – this is such an epidemic! And I need some assistance myself. What do you do when your daughter is repeatedly rejected by her father and the relationship is all on his terms. He neglects her financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Where your daughter begs for him to come and visit and the answers go unanswered, then when father and daughter to have contact, he provides nonsensical excuses which hurt even more. He can go for weeks and months on end of not calling, and rejects and abandons your daughter time and time again.
This is the case of my daughter and this coming ‘in-and-out’ of her life is exceptionally painful for her, to the point where she’ll refuse having a relationship with him “to teach him a lesson” to suddenly (but very rarely) desiring his love and attention so wants to re-kindle and renew the relationship (only to have her dreams shattered each and every time).
You know he’ll disappoint her, you know he’ll mislead and lie to her which causes extreme emotional pain – and it’s a complete roller coaster. Completely unhealthy and damaging.
So what are we to do in a case like this? When I try to encourage a relationship, she rejects the idea – then when she does reach out, it’s a constant emotional slap in the face.
This cannot be happy for her.
I am seeking advice on what we as Mom’s can do to replace the negative with positive – for our daughters to see they are wonderful gifts to this world and they need to learn what honorable relationships means, and if someone is less than honorable they know how to put up healthy boundaries and limits.
What resource materials exist out there for mothers to help their daugther’s deal with “The Father Wound”.
Thank You!
Your story really touches me. Your fears are very valid and you are correct in what you are thinking. i have just been through it all. i am a single parent with a 7 year old boy. My son hadnt seen his father for over 3years ( fathers decision) i never spoke of him either but last fathers day my son broke down “wheres my dad i remember i had a dad” this broke my heart, so I contacted his dad and said enoughs enough. The last 8 months have proven to be the worst decision I have ever made. In that 8 months they talked and skyped frequently my son was so happy. i put my son on a plane by himself for the first time to have holidays when my son arrived his dad did not turn up he was away working and the new wife picked him up what a let down and rejection after all that time he gets on a plane by himself to see dad and he was not there when he arrived the poor boy. Then he goes back for christmas where dad has not bonded with the child and is unable to cope he becomes angry at the boy and pays all the attention to his new daughter another slap in the face and more rejection. Then recently over child supprot matters the father rings my son and tells him he wants nothing more to do with him. Thats the final rejection my son is totally devestated, he is talking about wanting to die, he hates himself and it alls his fault. As a parent you are so helpless to there pain. Your child new to knows the truth of what happened because without the truth he could secretly be blaming you. I think making the statement I will be there if he does dissapoint her , do not take comfort in that because you cannot ease there pain. You can hold them tell them you love them etc but they are the ones that have feel and deal with there own pain. Your also left feeling that you are to bleme if I only aloow contact things would have been better. The chances are he will dissapoint your daughter and you are left to deal with and watch their pain. its not worth it. We always pray we hope things could be diffrent and when we see a glimpse of hope or opportunity that maybe it could work we as single are despearate to restore the relationship but it just does not work. The person that will suffer is your daughter.
We need to accept the fact of what is and let the father go. The child can make their own decision when they get older and are able to process in their minds what is really happening.
Hey I am in this same situation. Since my daughter’s father is in Mexico over some stupid crap from the past I have recently took her to meet his parents and am going from there. She is 9yrs old and has been asking about him alot so this is the best step I know to take. I would eventually like to take her to meet him since she insists on knowing who he is. With him being in Mexico I think taking her there may be an only option however that is future move…(anyone know any help to afford this)
whew! it’s really tough when they ask. but i would let her and then just be there for her if things aren’t good. i have boys and they are kinda numb. my 3yr old spoke with his dad last night who we hadn’t heard from in months and he wanted to get off the phone and continue what he was doing when “the father part” called but the father part wanted to stay on the phone and talke to him. my 3yr old’s response “what do you want to talk to me for?” hilarious.
23-AUGUST-2009
This is going to be unusual in that this submission is from a dad who has been constantly aching because he may have a son or daughter somewhere out there who he has never met. The child would probably be about 23 years old by now. Mary Edwards and I met while she was visiting California from somewhere in Kentucky. We met at the Seal Beach Pier and it grew into a summer romance that lasted maybe 2 -3 weeks. She went back home to Kentucky (she told me the city or town in which she lived but I never could remember it. It was a funny sounding name I think). Some time passed and she called me in tears, and told me she was pregnant. I’ll say I panicked trying to figure out what we were going to do next. I was an uneducated, minimum wage employee who couldn’t support myself. I was previously homeless and living under the Huntington Beach Pier (while dodging the Beach Patrol Officers who would run transients away). So, in my panicking state of mind I suggested abortion (which I was raised better than that and don’t encourage it at all. I am sorry I ever brought it up). She said she could not do that because her family would disown her. I told her to let me think about it and try to figure out what we’re gonna do and to call me back in a day or so (can’t remember exactly). She gave me a number and told me I could also call her collect anytime. I wrote it down on an art pad. I had a roommate at the time, some things transpired and the roommate and I had a falling out. While I was at work my roommate thought to get rid of my sketches and painting that I had worked so hard on as “payback” I guess. (It may have been an accident) Mary’s number was on that sketch pad. I never called Mary and she never called me back. I am guessing she did not call me back because I mentioned the abortion and she thought I was not interested. But actually, I had been discussing with my mother about our situation and I was ready to relocate and do the right thing but now I couldn’t call Mary. This has haunted me for over 20 years. It’s my fault for not making the right decision when Mary first told me. I make myself sick in the stomach and at heart thinking about my baby boy or baby girl who I have never met.
I have searched and searched but cannot find Mary. “Edwards” is such a common name. I have done many, many, many, email searches and emailed several people by the name “Mary Edwards” and all say they are not the Mary I am looking for. I don’t know what she named the child or where they live. I don’t know who Mary married. If Mary has never told the child about me and the child grew up believing someone else was their biological father, I would not want to cause any problems with their family, and would not do anything which Mary does not approve. If she has told the child about me and the child wants to know me and wants questions answered, I would do my best to be very transparent with my answers. If Mary reads this I want her to know how sorry I am. I remember her as a loving young lady with a big heart. Our child is lucky to have her as a mother. I never meant to disappear and be out of the babies life. I wrote a song called, “Somewhere Down On Seal Beach” that is about my meeting & memories with Mary. It’s on the jamwave website. My family has always known I have been looking for Mary and our child. My wife of the last 16 years, and all three of my children know of the possibility that I may have a son or daughter we have never met. I mother knew about it but passed away in 2001 of cancer. When I look at my children now, I wonder what their big brother or sister looks like and what they are doing now. I wish I could tell them that I never meant not to be in their life. I left California and lived in Arizona for awhile. I now live in Tennessee and I am still searching. It is hard because I don’t know what city she lives in, the child’s name, or Mary’s married name.
E. Stewart
Believe it or not, your daughter’s request is a good thing. It proves you haven’t talked poorly about her father in front of her, it shows she values family, and it demonstrates real love. Have you ever asked your daughter why she wants to talk to him? Is it because her other friends have fathers that are involved in their lives? Regardless, I’d recommend you give it a shot. If Eric disappoints his daughter, that’s his choice. No matter what happens, you’ll be there to support her, right?
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This posting and follow-up comments have been very informative for me … if not a sometimes a bit hard to handle, considering my own situation as someone who has not been in the life of his daughter nearly since her birth. After it was clear we could not be a couple, the mother asked me not to be in their lives … and to my regret, I agreed. I’m lucky that my daughter, now nearly 22, has found me and I’m doing everything I can to try and connect with her, but as part of that process I’m reading as many experiences like those above as I can. Each serves to make me feel worse about my past actions, but also more determined in my future ones.
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