Is your ex getting remarried?

by singlemomseeking on January 11, 2009

A single mom recently wrote to us at Singlemommyhood to let us know that her ex-husband is getting remarried.

Unfortunately, this mom got the wedding news second hand — from her daughter:

“My eight-year-old daughter came home from her dad’s this weekend and announced, ‘Daddy is getting married!’”

“I didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend!” CoastalGal99 wrote to us.

“My daughter explained that she was introduced to ‘Daddy’s new wife.’ Then she asked me if she should call her ‘Mommy, too.”

Have you ever received news like this second hand?

Has your ex gotten remarried? Have you recently gotten similar news?

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{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }

Legal Editor Mom May 26, 2010 at 10:49 am

My ex and I were officially divorced in January of 2009, and he married his gf on Sweetest Day, with no advance notice to me or our six-year-old daughter. I found out about the marriage through the grapevine, and when I asked him why he didn’t tell me, he said he didn’t know how, since he didn’t think I’d be too happy about it. (He had just told me in June of 2009 that he was nowhere near making that sort of commitment to someone again, then they get married that October??) He actually met me at our daughter’s school for conferences, and admitted that he was going to take the ring off so I wouldn’t see it! What a schmuck.

The few times we’ve talked about the new Mrs. (who doesn’t want him to have anything to do with me or our daughter!) he is embarassed and apologetic.

Since then he’s also STILL talking about us getting back together and being a family again! Unbelievable. The kicker is that our daughter still doesn’t know that he’s remarried. She’s never met her and he never brings her around the new Mrs. When I’ve questioned this, he tells me that it probably won’t last long, so our daughter doesn’t ever need to know!

I have moved on, with someone much more sane (and honest, and loyal, and moral), so while it bothered me at first that he remarried, I realize that I am so much better off. ;-)

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Jennifer Q. May 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

WOW! OMG it almost sounds like my situation. We filed for divorce in November of 09. We still had feelings and connection so you know, things happened. I find out Im pregnant in January. (After almost 10 years together and having fertility issues I get pregnant while were getting divorce, ay ay ay!) He is super excited about the baby and we put the divorce on hold. Then he wanted the divorce, turns out he met someone. So the divorce was finalized February 2010. After two months of no contact things did not work out with her and he was back on baby bandwagon and was discussing on taking baby steps for he still wants me in his life. By June 2010 he met someone else, by August they were engaged (2 weeks after my baby was born), turns out she was pregnant (Twice, she had a miscarriage and got pregnant again all within 2 months!!!) And by January 2011 they were married. He has BARELY any contact with my baby because from the beginning she does not want him to have anything to do with me, the baby even his own MOTHER! Supposedly he is unhappy and he said to someone he feels as if the girl trapped him and he realized that he lost me, the love of his life. Oh well! But he still insist on telling me hurtful things to get a reaction from me. Yes what he tells me are hurtful things but I act very stone cold; even telling me he cannot sacrifice his new family and he hates me ( I have NO IDEA why). I always tell him about important things involving the baby and he never shows up not even for my baby’s first Christmas. I am not seeing anyone for I am not ready but I am working on my Graduate degree now and am super happy to know that I am the mother of a gorgeous little girl and have a wonderful supportive family. AMEN to that!

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singlemom2 June 9, 2011 at 6:54 am

Not only did my ex not tell me personally…..he did not tell our children.
His girlfriend moved in with him from another state and that is how our children met her. They had never seen or spoken to her until they were moved into a home with her and Dad. They married over a year later without telling our children and without involving them in the process.
The bottom line is (from my ex-sister-in-law’s perspective) is this: My ex’s girlfriend felt threatened by me and was very controlling and secretive…..and he let her call the shots. Ultimately, this type of behavior is hurtful to the children more than anyone else.

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Lyn August 6, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I let my kids see their father’s dad today, on my parenting time, as a courtesy. When they got in the car, my seven year old told me that “dad got married”. Their father let me find out the news via the kids. He married the woman he cheated on me with-they now have a baby of their own. I’m stunned. That is not the kind of news you pass via children. Of course, he told me she was pregnant via email, so what more should I expect. I’m sick and he has hurt me again.

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singlemomseeking August 7, 2011 at 7:38 am

@Lyn: How hurtful. Please surround yourself with good friends and love right now.

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anothersinglemom October 29, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I am so sorry for all of you moms and hope the best for you all. I was not married to my children’ s father but, I feel that I fit in here. I met him when I was 20 years old, got pregnant and miscarried our son within the first year we were together. During that time he was mean and cheating on me.(when you have an agreement not to be with anyone else even with no marriage it still should be held and he was legally married to another girl in another state as well). The next year I got pregnant again, had my daughter in 2000! Few years later he picked up and moved with one of his dangerous girlfriends,gave me 8 hours notice and told me he was to marry her.They did. After couple years, he came back, we dated, I got pregnant with our son. Same thing not only cheated on me but moved a drug addict into his apartment while we were together, him giving me the key and wanting me to” walk in” on them. Next, after my sons birth things got worse, then he all of a sudden moved in with a chick and got married secretly.I found out by looking at the marriage records online. They divorce, he makes comments he wants to marry me for the kids, other reasons and is starting to love me again. Well, needless to say, he picked up at moved out of state. We were planning a family vacation,him, me, our kids and my father. Havent heard from him so I got an strange feeling and whala! He is married as of last week, ( via court records again in his state)no phone,no new address,no letting me know about marriage! He never told me he was serious with anyone let alone warning to mary and he is suppose to according to our legal court modified papers from his last wife- which was another dangerous marriage (just looking out for my kids).We are suppose to give names of the other “spouse” before marriage.Guess he was gonna surprise me when he didn’t show to our major trip or showed up with her there .He always has the kids around them before I found out..like usual! He also ruined my relationship in 2003 because he was of another race!Sorry so long! Why do they have no concern, emotion or respect?( not saying im perfect, but when does it end after so many chances?)

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Carmen February 7, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Sorry for all you girls. Sort of same happened to me. My ex got remarried and told my kids 2 days before christmas at his parents house. After that he took them to his house to to meet his new pregnant wife who he cheated on me with.
My children where hurt but showed o signs. I only noticed when their grades went down. He acts as if my children are stid and does not take responsibility for what has happened.
So far we have o other way as to believe he has done it to hurt me but hurt his children more in the process.
How to deal with my children now.
C.

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Maggie April 10, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I learned about my ex-husband’s engagement from my 12 year old daughter.
Last week, my ex husband picked up my daughter to have an outing with him, his girlfriend, her kids, etc. At that time, he told her that they had just gotten engaged. I found out from our daughter when she came home. She was upset; although she did not convey that to him.
I later told him that I wished he had not put the burden on her of telling me the news. I wished he had respected me enough to let me know. He just rolled his eyes and huffed.

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debby April 21, 2012 at 10:25 am

About 10 years ago, my ex called me to tell me that our time together had always been very special to him, but that he was getting re-married.

It shocked me, because he was abusive, and had gone to prison for his abuse. I said, “Well, we’re divorced, and our time together was not all that special, so really, go on ahead and do what you’re going to do, but don’t try to bring a bunch of emotion into it that neither one of us feel.”

She is a controlling person, turns out, and when she gets mad, she loses control and hits him, and did this in front of one of our (grown) children. Ironic isn’t it? I suppose it is testimony to my own growth, because all I feel is bad.

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Cyndi June 6, 2012 at 8:07 pm

My ex and I have been divorced for a year and a few months ago, when I dropped off my son for his visitation with his father, I noticed he and his new girlfriend are wearing wedding rings. I asked it they were married and they said no, just engaged. He is telling the court that he is homeless, jobless and broke. That he has to live with his parents to survive. I did some investigating and found out his “fiance” owns a 4500 sq ft house. He is driving her BMW around like he just won the lottery. He pays less than $100 per month in child support and I had to pay him spousal support for a year! I can’t afford a private investigator but really need to know how to prove he is not “down-and-out.” I’ve tried to find out if they are married but haven’t been able to. Any advise?

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KJ June 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I’m not sure why you ladies are so concerned that he remarries, and feel you should be told personally. Really? Why? you still have feelings for him? He may be the fathers of your children, but you don’t own or control him. Sounds typical. This man and you are divorced, he doesn’t have to report to you. he told his kids, that’s all that matters. maybe he doesn’t CARE what you think?
As my husband’s second wife, and they have grown adult children, I am experiencing what I can only interpret as jealousy from his ex, and his kids side with mother, as usual….nice to my face but passive aggressive. And she walked out on him after 29 years and I believe cheated on him. She never was happy and still isn’t but I think wishes she had him back now that someone YOUNGER and skinnier has him.

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Motherof 3 September 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

Its not controlling to want to know something as big as a new relationship in your ex life when you are CO-PARENTING with them. Any new relationship is a big deal to a child and both parents need to be aware of whats going on to help the child cope. Grown children are a totally different story.

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anothersinglemom December 5, 2012 at 7:14 pm

KJ, I agree with Motherof3 and Janey. (other moms here as well) And it is a big deal to the kids. I can deal with my ex being married, dating or living with someone. (I’m not jealous) But, not to make lies up and hide the situation.. it has effected our kids, his other kids and other people I know and read about. Its not about control or owning him, its about respect for our kids. So the kids learn to hide things and lie as well when the other parent plays games like this. My father gave my sister and I time to meet and spend time with my soon to be step-mother ( now ex-stepmother) after he sat us down and told us about her. He said he loved her very much, she is nice we should get to know her and we will still have our one and only mom in our lives still. They did not move in together or spend nights until marriage. He also spoke with my mom before he spoke with us. We were able to deal with it and be a part of it. If he pulled it like these fathers are, I would not have a relationship with my father. Plus, if we the women pull what they do, we would be put down, but it seems like its ok for men? Sometimes you never really know what happened in the previous relationships, she could be jealous your right. But in most cases, that’s just not the case. Sorry so long, take care :)

1mommy March 17, 2014 at 5:25 pm

KJ, although this is a reply around a year and one half after your post, I have to reply. I was reading here as my ex husband and father of our six year old is getting married and moving homes. My six year old told me. I asked my ex for the new address and wedding date. Nothing more, nothing less. I wanted to know for a few reasons; 1.) where my son is during visitations. 2.) to help answer questions my son has as he’s confused. 3.) to prepare my son for a big transition in his life as needed. 4.) to be prepared myself in regards to things like school plays, sports/activities, parent-teacher issues, medical, etc. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with making it as easy as possible for my son and all (even the new step mom). However, my ex has told me it’s all none of my business. How is this not my business? And I’m sure if the new or soon to be wife has questions he probably tells her I’m crazy or something along those lines. How is this behavior good for the child, me as the bio mom and the stepmom? Nevermind my son’s new extended family (if there is one), teachers, coaches, etc.?
I don’t think money or looks has anything to do with it. Wrong is wrong.

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Janey July 12, 2012 at 10:49 am

I have nothing but compassion for everyone here. But I have to disagree with KJ about parents not informing their ex’s about endgadgements or marriages to a new partner. Telling the other partner is not for the parents sake, but for the kids to adjust to the idea and reality of the situation. Breaking them in slow with the support of both biological parents is healthiest for the kids. I am a single mom. I have my kids 90% of the time and my ex lives out of state. He told the kids by phone he has a girlfriend but when they went for the visit they found out she is living with him. Younger kids may not get the reality of it, but teenagers know whats going on and they feel lied to if it’s just sprung on them. It also encourages the kids to dislike the new gf/bf because they found out under such sneeky circumstances. I did things differently, I slowly brought in the man I was dating and eventually married. My children where part of the process the whole way and I did tell my ex husband I was dating and when I got remarried. My kids love their stepdad and don’t feel like they didn’t have a say in the whole process. But, my oldest child is very angry about dad’s new girlfriend and the first impression is not to like her at all. It just put another nail in the coffin for him when it comes to how he feels for his dad. This just goes to confirm my opinion that not telling the kids or springing things on them only brings resintment and dislike for the new person in their parents lives. Why hide it from the kids/other parent if it is such a happy thing? Kids can move on from the divorce and develop strong relationships with step parents or live in gf/bf. But, only when the biological parent has taken the time to talk to the child and help them understand all that is going on. Grades won’t plument and behavior problems would be at a minimum. The term co parenting certainly applies to this topic. But as it seems so many still think their kid will just have to deal with mommy or daddy’s new mate. Sad only for the kids sake, and the honest parent gets stuck with the not only the label of being difficult or other names that can’t be mentioned here, but stuck with cleaning up the emotional damage it caused to the child(ren).

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Tammy December 12, 2012 at 5:45 am

I could not have said that better myself. I am currently going through the same situation, I have a 9 year o who is very affected by this. My ex from point of separation until now, has been an 18 month duration. He did not introduce the kids to his wife until two weeks before we got divorced. For almost a year the kids stayed at my inlaws house with him when they visited on the weekends, then in Sept the boys started staying at her house. Every other weekend they came home with new news, dads engaged, dad got married, dads having a baby girl, this past weekend my oldest saw the sonogram pictures, and did not do well with it. Began feeling like dad was not going to love him. I txt my ex to try to work together on this, but his new wife reads his text, and decides to tell me I am being negative and insulting about her and the baby, all I have done is ask him to be a father to his son. I am far from jealous of this woman. She is not younger, and is not at all skinnier, but that is not the point. The point is I have two emotionally damaged children that I am constantly trying to help. am disgusted by both my ex, his wife. For them they are selfish, they think its all about them.

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Karen July 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I found out on facebook that my x-remarried back in March and never told his teenage children until a week ago. I went for a college visit yesterday with my daughter and he was there and hide the ring from me the whole time. When he broke the news to the kids, he got married, my 18 year old asked him who he married. It was really funny watching him eat and try and hide it. Talk about screwed up. I feel sorry for her and I am happy for me that I donot have that to deal with anymore

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Monica March 4, 2013 at 6:39 pm

Found out today from my daughter that my ex just got engaged a few days ago. Our divorce finalized about a month ago. I am not surprised I found out this way as my ex has not had the decency to do things the right way. It is hurtful sure but I am actually surprised and glad that I am not as devastated as I thought I would. If he wants to be an idiot and marry again after only a month of being officially divorced then more power to him. The only thing I wish is we did not have children that would have to go through his plethora of bad mistakes but in the end they are HIS mistakes. I do think an ex should have the decency to let their ex know of an engagement. It is just basic human decency. Particularly if you have kids this way you can be prepared for questions that may arise. But like I said I am not surprised my ex did not tell me. He is a coward and will continue to be one. Now he is someone elses coward, thank goodness!

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Kelly Dolan March 7, 2013 at 6:37 pm

My ex got his mistress pregnant during our divorce. Hid the pregnancy until she was 6 months along. When he did tell her, he did it by showing off the belly on Skype. So 2 weeks before the baby was born they got married. I found out from an old mutual friend. I asked him if it was true and to please tell our daughter. I told him it is his responsibility to tell her. Then before the next visit I want to have a talk with the new wife about respecting me as the mother and her husband as the father. I want her to understand that she should not be a primary disciplinarian ( I will talk to the ex). I know what I am talking about because I was his other childrens step mother. I have a great relationship with the other kids and get along with their mother. He refuses to tell our daughter about being married. and it has been 3 months. She suspects something has happened and keeps asking if I would keep a secret from her and do I think her dad married the other woman. I am mad I am in the middle and wish he would tell her. Especially before she goes to visit him. I am debating on telling him to tell her by a certain date or I will. Or do I wait and see what happens. I am a single parent with sole custody and I have our daughter 315 days of the year. I will be 2 years since he actually visited her (the use Skype a lot). It will really upset her if she finds out he has bee lying and hiding something like this. HELP!!!!!

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StepMomof2 April 3, 2013 at 8:59 am

I am becoming a step mom of 2 and I can see both sides here. BUT I am experiencing the lack of maturity in my situation. I was introduced to my fiance’s children only after she had a live-in boyfriend. We were trying to keep things separate for the sake of not confusing the kids, but clearly our sense of maturity compared to their mothers was evident. She didn’t tell their father about her new bf or that he was living with his kids, but flips out when we moved in together 2 years later and engaged a year after that. She knew we were dating and that was not a secret. It’s a double standard for the biological moms sometimes because THEY have the kids and THEY need to know. I think it’s more of a jealousy and sense of entitlement feeling. Dad has moved on, is happy, has a partner that gets along with his kids and takes good care of them and their mother hates that. I guess she’d prefer that I ill-treat her children…I don’t know. I don’t get it. But it’s ok for her to move on, have several bfs after that but its not ok for him to have one solid relationship since their split (over 7 years ago) and happily settle down.

I have attempted the ‘let’s get everything out there’ but she’s not mature about it. I have repeatedly spoken to the kids about not replacing their mom but just expect respect in Dad’s household, abide by house rules, etc. Nothing crazy that kids shouldn’t know. But the bitterness and bashing continues because the word ‘wedding’ is coming up more frequently. She gets financial support, they get clothes, food, school supplies, help with homework, activities paid for all by Dad…she just a scornful gold digger at this point.

I get where some of you are coming from as being the mother and wanting to protect your children, and that is your natural instinct, but attacking Dad because he has moved on is tasteless and makes you look like you are jealous even if you aren’t. I do wish that I was dealing with a mature human being to balance and coparent and coordinate schedules but that’s never going to happen. After 10 years, my fiance has told me not to hold my breathe. We’ll see what happens when I have a child with him and what monster will come out then. All I know is that our children won’t be results of entrapment and lies.

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Ggirl April 20, 2013 at 8:46 pm

I thought I was the only one who felt like the mature responsible one. My ex was and quite possibly still is a drug addict. We had our first child and I was unaware of his drug habit. The next six years we were on and off, but his drug addiction, his inability to keep a job or show me a paycheck, continued… He faced several serious issues because of his addiction. I, on the other hand, felt that I could change him and make him realize that he needed to get help. We lost two homes in the process (both of which were under my name). In 2007, we had our 2nd child. He seemed to be there for her more than he was for my son years earlier. When he was born, he left me in my hospital room and disappeared until the next morning. Anyway, I failed to mention that we did officially divorce after only 1 year of marriage. I caught him with another woman in our bed… Needless to say, he ended up driving his one-night stand home as I called the police. Back to the present, he finally sought some serious help in 2010. He spent time trying to recover from his cocaine addiction. In that time the kids and I had to move in with my parents. He lost touch with us for a while except for some sporadic phone calls. Then all of a sudden he calls the kids one day and says he’s moved into his own apartment. (He had been in a home for recovering addicts.) Not a couple of dAys later, he calls to tell me he has a girlfriend and for me to go and get in a relationship. Go figure! So here we are just a couple of months later and today he got married to his new girlfriend. My older child was devastated by the one week in advance notice and he refused to go, but my young daughter doesn’t understand what’s going on, so with an unbelievably heavy heart, I let her go. I can’t stand the fact that he has made no attempt to repair his almost nonexistent relationship with our oldest. He was so high throughout the years, he has yet to figure out how to be a father. But with mu little one, he and his new wife manipulate her and make all of these great promises to win her over. It makes me physically ill! I have not dated or allowed anyone in my kids’ lives. I feel like I owe them every bit of attention I can give them and when they are grown I will put myself first. Someone’s gotta show these kids how a good parent puts their kids first – always! It also helps that I have very supportive parents and ex in-laws that love my kids so much! But, in the end, when my kids are asleep at night, I can’t help but wonder how he can live with himself! Totally disgusted!

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Mamap May 6, 2013 at 6:57 pm

I found out my ex is getting remarried by a workmate of his, so I checked the local county court website and sure enough, they had filed for their marriage license. It has not been quite two years since the divorce and yes, she is the woman he was having an affair with during our marriage. To make matters worse, he told our adult sons to keep it a secret from me.

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jen June 30, 2013 at 4:34 am

I had a similar thing happen to me a few months ago. Would like to hear more from you, as the support is good between women that have been through the same thing.

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chris June 6, 2013 at 10:26 am

My kids found out from their teachers, who were having a get together near X’s wedding. X’s family does not know either. I guess his new friends and her family were the only ones there. Teacher’s asked, how was the wedding? Not realizing the kids had no idea it had occurred! Dad’s weekend of “heavy project work” and “business trip” (honeymoon) kind of exposed him as a big cheat to his kids. When kids told me what they had heard I started googling and immediately found X’s wedding photos– sadly kids saw them too. Looked like quite a bash.
chris´s last blog post ..From Facebook friends to fiancés: a blended family wedding

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heather March 25, 2014 at 6:07 pm

To all women who are entering a marriage with previous children involved from the prior marriage.
NO THE EX is NOT jealous of the “New” woman in her ex’s life. If you have half a brain, you may stop and realize that she knows him a whole lot better than you do and Im certain he’s not as “perfect” as you would like to think . There are ALWAYS two sides to every story. As far as being younger or skinnier, oh don’t worry honey…. cause one day when you grew up to be a “big girl”, the tables will have turned. You should never ever cut down his ex! For any reason! Its between the two of them and you have no idea what he says to her when you are NOT around. I can promise you that what he tells you behind closed doors is not the same thing that he is telling his EX! When you become a mother, the only concern is your children and not jealousy of a new lady who now gets to enjoy his stinky farts, laziness, lies, cheating, cruelty. HAHA…trust me the ex wife is smiling and very happy to step aside and let you have him…… You really have no idea. I have also worked with men who are on their second marriage and now complaining about number two and wish they wouldn’t have kept number 1. They realize it eventually, just usually after its too late.
Good luck number twos! If you want to know if hes really genuine after a divorce? Heres how….HE will NOT talk badly about his EX to you. IF you find this guy, you have a good catch!!

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