This post is for the folks who are tired of hearing about The Bachelor, you know who you are!
One month after posting “The man I hope to love,” I put myself back online. I was ready to date again.
Or, so I thought — until I went on a few bad dates and wanted to hide again.
Then, I got this email from a guy who’d emailed me when I was previously on JDate, in 2007. We’d had a string of emails back and forth, and then shared an awkward email moment: both of us confessed that we’d just begun dating other people and were going off JDate.
My gut, however, told me that he was a good guy. So, I sent him my direct email. (He didn’t write back, which he explains below.)
“There you are again,” he wrote to me recently. “I found our messages from a while ago. I have to say, your last message was very sweet, and I did consider writing you offline, but we had both starting seeing others, and so I declined…. Anyway, would you be interested in a chat?”
This time, I sent my phone number to him.
He called during the day, which can be an awkward time for a first conversation. But it was spunky, fun, and smart. Some of you also know that I’m a sucker for a deep voice.
What was the problem, then?
I didn’t know what he looked like! Sure, he had a few photos online — but he was wearing sunglasses in two of the photos, and looking down in the third. What was up with that?
He emailed me the next day to ask me out for dinner and a play. That was against my “first date rule” — only short coffee dates for the first meeting — but I promptly broke that rule.
“You’re so cute!” was first thing I said when I saw him. He’s intellectual-looking, with glasses and a goatee.
I wanted to know: “Why are you wearing sunglasses in all your photos?”
“But I like those photos!” he said.
Within two minutes, we were having our first fight. But it was a sweet, affectionate fight.
Our first date was filled with fun, insightful conversation. The night ended with a brief hug on the street corner — and the quickest peck on the lips.
During the date, I’d told him that we’d just celebrated my sister’s birthday that afternoon. He’d asked why I hadn’t brought him a piece cake.
The next morning, there was an email from him:
“Rachel, You’re quite something. I had a wonderful time with you tonight.”
I was bringing him some cake that afternoon for sure! (I hear some of you now: “Slow down, Rachel!”)
I emailed him about the cake. He wrote back:
“Rachel, if you ever want to see me again, you bring the cake.”
(His sense of humor is very similar to mine, extremely dry.)
Then he gave me his home address.
I told him, “You’re giving me your address, you don’t even know my last name! What if I’m a crazy lady?”
Do you know what he said?
“You’re a mom.”
~~~
I left the cake on his doorstep (he wasn’t home), and he emailed to thank me.
But here’s the deal: he hasn’t asked me out on a second date.
Four days have passed since our first date. No more emails, no phone calls.
Now what? You know that I encourage women to ask a man out.
I want to! But unfortunately, my assertiveness has scared men away in the past. I’ve come on too strong, too fast. I’m afraid my boldness might mess this up.
Should I ask him out on a second date?
What should I do? Or, not do?
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Moms can be crazy too, in both good and bad ways.
Why not just email him and talk about what you have been up to and ask what he is doing? I wouldn’t put any expectations on anything at this point or read too much into anything. Any reason you start to think up is likely to be wrong and it is usually the worst thing you can do.
Do your day to day things, be yourself, make plans, but I wouldn’t wait for him. If things kick into gear, great, if not you haven’t sacrificed yourself or your time and therefore there shouldn’t be any hard feelings.
Crazy Computer Dad´s last blog post…It’s all about fun….Pirate and buried treasure fun!
I’d send a casual email like Crazy Computer Dad suggested. Only after hearing back from him I’d ask him on that second date.
The thing is if you don’t assert yourself then you aren’t being who you really are anyway are you?
Kari´s last blog post…Purging and eating my way to frugality
No! No, no, no, no, no.
That is all.
Ok, maybe not. If you chase him now, you’ll never stop chasing him. You already brought cake to his doorstep. You made it clear you’re interested. Now what you need to do (are you up for the challenge?) is to just let it be. If he calls, answer, but be the one who “has to go.” If he emails, reply, but not right away. I don’t like the idea of playing games but he’s stringing you along. Even if he asks you out again eventually, why did he wait? Why not make plans right now even if he doesn’t have a free second until 2 weeks from now?
Slow down, Rachel!
I’m no psychologist but it seems from your blog posts that you do the same thing over and over again. Therefore, you can’t expect to get different results!
OK, done.
Amy Sue Nathan´s last blog post…South suburban secrets for dining alone
I would have to agree that you’ve already made the move by leaving him cake. The ball is in his court. Wait for him to ask you out again.
(I say this knowing full well that, just like you, I am super assertive sometimes and probably wouldn’t be able to take my own advice!)
I don’t believe in playing hard to get (because I detest the games of dating), but in this case just sitting back and waiting for him to the asking is the right thing.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t drop him a casual ‘hey how are you’ email…
liz´s last blog post…4×4
I say give it a little more time, stay in touch via email (or make a phone call to him) and catch up on what is going on in his world (like your first commenter shared); share about your world… and then see if he’s free for such and such… it should open itself up in conversation even for your opportunity. If it doesn’t then don’t get discouraged. I started chatting with a guy online at the same time I was meeting “McDreamy” from my blog. After the “McDreamy” thing ended so quickly I was glad I had continued developing a friendship with the other guy. We are still friends but hanging out now… taking it slow is always a good thing, IMHO.
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post…spontaneity for a single mom
You already know the answer, so I’m not sure why you’re asking unless you really need us to affirm what you already know. You answered your own question with your comments about your assertiveness scaring men away, your coming on too strong, too fast, etc.
I wholeheartedly agree with everything Amy Nathan said.
If he’s interested, you will know. Let it be!
Ditto.
I know, eloquent right?
Kendall´s last blog post…Wednesday Workshop: As I See You
I’m so not the person to listen to on this one!
But for what it’s worth, I agree with the other commenters that it’s better to keep in touch but take it slow.
(BTW, I tagged you for an award…check out my latest post!
~Heather
Heather´s last blog post…Cool Butterfly Award.
I struggle with the same internal debate…if I am not my natural assertive self, am I playing games? I worry too, like you, “that my assertiveness has scared men away in the past. I’ve come on too strong, too fast. I’m afraid my boldness might mess this up.” I’m dating a guy now, for about a month, with whom I have not made a single move first. He has instigated every date, every phone call, every text. I hate that, yes, I am playing a game with him, but it’s purpose is more for me to better understand myself, and how I affect how others perceive me. Every time he asks me out again, honestly, I’m a little surprised. Every person is different, he is assertive, confident, intelligent, independent and clearly likes to instigate, and I do let him know that I enjoy and appreciate him. But, Rachel, I have to tell you, it feels really wonderful to be pursued. I’ve read a lot lately, about getting not only what we want, and need out of a relationship, but what we deserve, and I am beginning to feel like I deserve to be with someone, who likes me enough to pursue me, not someone I have to prod along. You just haven’t met your equal yet…don’t stop looking…when you find him, you won’t have to wonder if you should make the next move or not, it will all fall into place. At least that is what I have to believe!
Don’t ask him out. He sounds interested and will stay that way. Allow him to peel the layers off your personality at his pace; its okay to decide how you feel…allow him the same opportunity. There is no rush…(keep telling yourself that, its a daily struggle for me at times so I get it!)
I vote NO! Don’t ask him out on another date. Even though, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal,it is. It sets the tone of the relationship. Think of it like the tango and follow his lead.
from the desk of …me´s last blog post…2009 Dreams/Goals Collage
You have such smart commenters, Rachel, there’s really not much left to say!
All I can do is reaffirm you are worth a man stumbling all over himself to make plans with you. Believe it. Own it. Live it.
HUGS
BlueBella´s last blog post…The Part Where I Poke My Eye Out
Debra-
You summed it up perfectly and oh, how I hate that “internal debate”.
I don’t know if there is anything much worse. But yes, when it is right, including time, it will fall in place. If this man is right, perhaps, his lack of communication signals its not the right time.
Attainingme´s last blog post…I hate the words I love you.
I’m in agreement with Amy Sue Nathan; really good advice. I too have to do a self check and change my behavior to change the results if in the past it didn’t work. We are who we are but we need to learn how what we do effects our results.
MindyMom´s last blog post…What Your Home & His Can Tell You
Gee, I actually am a psychologist(and newly dubbed “sanity fairy”) so here goes . . .there are some men (and women, too),who enjoy that first date whirl, but then disappear. They give “potential relationship signals”, but there’s never any follow-up.
You’ll never know why.
Just know that for some men it is a pattern. To borrow a phrase, he’s just not that into you or, more likely, just into himself.
You already made a second date move by delivering a piece of birthday cake.
Chalk this up to a life experience and move on.
Dr.Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post…Valentine’s Day party giveaway contest!
Nope. Don’t ask him for a 2nd date. He’ll ask you if he wants one. Now go about your business like the smart, successful, sexy single mama you are!
Dang. I’m shocked.
I was sure that at least a handful of you would say, “Ask him out, what do you have to lose?”
Deep breath. Onward with my days.
You should have added ice cream. *wink*
Nope, nadda, don’t do it. We all like the chase, the hunt, the kill. Just not the overkill.
You brought the cake, his move … or not.
=)
Nancy´s last blog post…Eternally Unspoken
But, really, thanks to all of you, even if it’s hard to swallow (I don’t play games!)
Debra, thank you for this, it’s making sense:
“Rachel… it feels really wonderful to be pursued…I am beginning to feel like I deserve to be with someone, who likes me enough to pursue me, not someone I have to prod along. You just haven’t met your equal yet.”
One more thing: as you know, I’m a solo parent with no ex in the picture.
So, I don’t get a lot of time off. I’ve emailed him… I’m waiting to hear back.
You see, I know that I have some time off on Friday night. I want to gauge if he might be available?
No? Just stop?…
I know exactly what mean…you feel like you don’t want to lose a prime opportunity for uniterupted date time? But, step back and take a wider view. Don’t worry about Friday, there will be lots of Fridays, over time. Dating is a marathon, not a sprint. Make other plans with friends. It ensures you end up doing something you will enjoy on Friday, instead of ending up without plans, and sends an important message, that you are a busy woman, with a wonderful life, and dating you will mean making arrangments more than one day in advance.
Rachel,
So, you have some free time Friday night? Go on a different date with somebody else!! Or hang out with some girlfriends — and don’t even think about changing your mind if he calls tonight!
He needs to understand from the get go he cannot expect you to be available on a whim, like you said – you’re a single mom with no ex in the picture!
If he would have asked you earlier… and leave that hanging in the air and maybe he’ll remember next time to think about a date ahead of time!!
Angie´s last blog post…2009 Goals – 3 & 4 of 4 – More Fun/Less Consumption!
Wow…I was going to say something totally opposite of all that has been said here. If only I were that comfortable to do so….
won´s last blog post…Gimme Five, Five in Five, or Five for Fighting
Hmmm …
I’m in turmoil here, Rachel. You and I seem very similar in these regards. If I see something I want to do, I go for it. However, it sort of DOES sound like you’re prodding him along. And you DO deserve someone who is going to put that effort in, cuz you ARE worth it.
Damn, I’m just no help. I say wait it out, an email is a good thing. *hugs*
QTMama´s last blog post…The Scoop on the Jaguar-Man
Make plans and keep making them and be true to you. You need and deserve a man who completely adores all of your qualities. Besides as my husband and former single dad said on our morning commute, ” that Rachel is just too hot. He couldn’t handle it and the cake was a trick/power play. Total dbag move. And besides when we are into come hell or high water we don’t waste time. We call, write,email,text…whatever to let you know we want you and we want you now not in four days even if we have our kids. We are animals and cavemen at our core.” So take it from Guns and go get some love from some other guy.
Bonnie: Please elaborate!!
So the cake was a “Total dbag move.” (douche bag move? On MY part? Or HIS?)
And was the cake “a trick/power play” on HIS part… or mine?
I’m dying to know what your husband thinks!
The two men here so far — CCD and Kendall — both agree that I should just sit back and wait (ugh!). But clearly, your husband has some insight. Share please!
I’d say generally, it’s ok to ask a man out on a second date if the chemistry was really good on the first date. But since you guys havent spoken for days, then I (said in deepening voice) wouldn’t ask him out.
kevin´s last blog post…9-mile run: Fast and faster
I was JUST IN YOUR EXACT SAME SITUATION — great date, great chemistry, then nothing – so after a few days, I just emailed him directly… “I had a great time. Would you be interested in getting together again?”
Hey, you won’t know if you don’t ask, RIGHT? And good guys are very hard to find. He may just be worth the pursuit. My guy and I have had about 5 dates now, and we’re off to the races… it’s very exciting. I think some men are just very busy and get distracted with their everyday life. I SAY EMAIL HIM and ask him out!!! You know you want to!
Oops sorry, I commented and THEN read the thread of responses – seems you’ve already emailed him… hopefully you’ll hear from him soon!!!
But Single Mom in New England, you’re the FIRST person who actually gave me permission to directly ask him out… I’m tempted.