You’re going to have a word with me. Go ahead. Take my blog away.
Maybe I thought I could prove you wrong. Maybe I was acting out. Maybe I’m not ready to date. Maybe I was hormonal. (I’m going on nine months without sex!)
To those of you who pointed out that no matter what I do, there’s a lesson to be learned: thank you.
I’m re-reading all of your comments here — and Love Coach Rinatta has made soft groove in my heart:
“I read your site daily, so I figure it was time to comment,”Love Coach Rinatta began.
“Have you ever heard of a little book called He’s Just Not That Into You?
Men are the supposedly the Yang energy — the action energy — so if a guy wants someone, he will go after her. If he’s ambivalent, or not sure, or what ever, he just doesn’t want it bad enough. And you want a guy who’s going to want you bad enough.
Rachel, you are so fab, you deserve a guy who’s going to chase you, not the other way around. Bottom line — don’t call, don’t hint, don’t email. Let go and move on and trust that this is a step in the right direction and the right one is out there for you.”
If that wasn’t enough, My Single Mom Life added:
“I heard it straight from a man’s mouth…
The reason I was intrigued by her was because a few days after I’d called her, she wasn’t busting down my door to talk to me again. This meant to me that she didn’t need me and that she was a strong enough woman all on her own.
They’re now married…. It’s not about him being worth it. It’s about YOU being worth it. You deserve to be pursued.”
~~~
I should have waited, I know.
I got obsessed by the fact that I had the WHOLE night off. (My sister wanted to have an “auntie slumber party.”) I could have gone out with girlfriends. I could have taken myself to a movie. (I love to see movies alone!).
Believe me, I’m very good at being with myself. For the the past year — since my break up with The Biologist — I’ve done a good job at making the most of my alone time.
But I craved some flirtatious male energy.
So, I waved away your advice that I should go dancing with my girlfriends.
I waved away your advice about the “requisite three to four days to be in touch.”
I waved away your advice about making myself “unavailable” to drive him nuts.
And I called him. We chatted, we laughed, and I happened to mention that I have the night off.
“Are you asking me out?” he said.
“Uh, maybe–”
And that was that.
I really don’t need to go into every detail about the date, because you already know: we’re not headed down the road of romance. (I do think we’ll be friends, and I’ve nurtured so many friendships with men on JDate that I’m losing track).
Here are some of the things I discovered about him:
He doesn’t own a car. Don’t get me wrong, I have the highest regard for anyone who gets by without a car. (He bikes, walks, takes public transportation, depends on friends.)
But from a single mom’s point of view… I don’t want to be the chauffeur all the time.
He’s also seeing another woman and he was vague about where they’re at. (If you haven’t read QT Mama’s post about how Honesty When Dating, you might.)
When I asked him about his family, he said, “I don’t talk about my family.”
Uh oh. Red flag.
So, there you have it. I take full responsibility for blowing it.
Go ahead and tell me, “We told you so.”
I’m a big girl, I can take it.
Here’s to having your cake and eating it, too…. If you read the previous post, you’ll get it..
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
But now you know isn’t that sometimes better then wondering? I don’t know does all the “rules” really work? Do I need a book since I haven’t even started dating since becoming single lol
I don’t think you blew it at all! I think you took the bull by its horns, and found out his perspective of you.
Sure it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, but does it ever?
You can now exhale….
No scolding from me – aka the “Sanity Fairy”.
A night well spent!
This guy is a parade of “red flags” –money issues (no car), huge family issues, and, likely, tormenting some other woman who’s “into him” while he’s cruising on JDate.
Mysteries intrigue us all. When a guy looks promising, but stops calling the “why” is a mystery and, hence, we’re intrigued.
You gave yourself the gift of finding out that most “mysteries” are not worth knowing.
Dr.Leah http://www.singlemommyhood.com´s last blog post…Valentine’s Day party giveaway contest!
So how was this a blown date? You called, he answered. You agreed that it was a sort of date. You went out. And then you found out that you are just not into each other. No singularity there!
And if he was seeing a woman halfway seriously, he would not have accepted the date. I bet there is not woman and he was just playing head games with you.
But hey, it was not a night alone and you got out. That’s a win in some people’s books!
Ok, I will jump right into it (he he) before (like my husband loves to remind me) when I was in the game, the dating game that is, I did what I felt if I felt like calling a guy.. well I did.. If I felt like asking him out.. well I did that too.. and girl, friendship is always where its starts you know that! have fun!
Pat´s last blog post…Almost missed it!
Well, lesson learned, right? And although we were right this time, you found out why he probably hasn’t called (he’s seeing someone else) and you also found out things about him that gave you pause…so…I’d say you came out even.
I didn’t chime in with any advice on the previous post (mostly because I’d just gotten an anonymous “advice” repsonse on my blog and I was fuming mad – and a bit sensitive to giving someone else advice) – but I think it is better that you know now. And you found that out by being yourself.
And in the end – isn’t that what you want to be with a potential partner? I could pretend to be all shy and quiet because someone is annoyed with gals who talk too much. I may “win” him – but in the end, I will default back to my old chatty self and then what?
Having said that – I do whole heartedly agree with anyone that said YOU deserve to be pursued. And I think there is a guy out there who is your perfect match – you know – you’ll both be so busy pursuing each other you won’t have the time or energy to remember – nor will it matter – who made the first move!
Amy´s last blog post…Journal 119: January 2009 Oops! I Deleted a Comment
I’m not going to tell you I told you so. I’m learning from YOU!
But that whole lesson about waiting and being pursued is a tough one for me too… considering I’ve always been the kind of person to go out and get exactly what I want.
But I have to agree with your other fans… someone WILL pursue you. You deserve it.
Practical Mommy´s last blog post…How to Be an Angel
Way to go, Rachel! You did what you wanted to do. (First high five.) You uncovered a lot of useful information that led you to a conclusion. (Second high five.) You’ve now created a vacuum and now there’s some other lucky guy on his way to you. (Third high five.) Along with the vacuum, you’ve gotten clarity and cleared up some head space. I think its fantastic! I also think all of your commenters and fans are right – you’re fantastic and the right guy will make it very clear he’s into you, wants you and is downright delighted to have finally found you.
Honoree´s last blog post…The Successful Single Mom Principles
Sanity Fairy calls it again! “most mysteries are not worth knowing.” LOVE it!
In this case it proved true. You were true to yourself and got the info you needed to move on and not waste any more time with this guy.
I’d like to think I would have caught on with his lack of “pursuing” in the beginning. Now you know.
MindyMom´s last blog post…Dating & Blogging
It’s ok, Rachel. We all do it. Well, at least I have!
Live and learn and move on. At least you got it done in a short period of time, leaving room in your life — and those future precious free nights — for someone who’s worth your time.
Hugs,
Susan
Susan´s last blog post…4×4
Now at least you don’t have to waste anymore time wondering about him. He obviously has some major issues!! Good for you for recognizing it.
Janet´s last blog post…Conserving energy (and warmth)
But why did you blow it? I dont get it?
All the things that happened on this date would have happened wether you had waited or not? So rather know and then move on instead of wait for him to call and then find out down the line!
laurakim´s last blog post…Fill in the blanks
Live and learn and move on. If you had a nice time, it’s not a total loss. I am past the point of wanting to befriend nice guys from JDate. Frankly, it doesn’t interest me at all — but if that works for you then more power to you! I figure, I have enough friends. The new ones that come along? I’d prefer they be women.
oh join the club…my ‘date’ last weekend was when I called him. Even though I knew so much better.
I could name every red flag before I made that call…we had had 2 in person and 1 phone conversation before this ‘date’. He was supposed to have called me (I waited 2 weeks) and the tech alibi of I lost my phone.
He raised his daughter from 8 months to now a college freshman as a single dad…and had her when he was 17
But boy is he a player. I keep telling myself to take his name out of my cell phone…but not there yet…but I will NOT call
I don’t see how you blew it either. There are plenty of times when you go on dates and they don’t end in a romance. I agree with everyone that says, you now know more about him to make a educated decision.
I have mixed thoughts on him not having a car. Living in a major city there is public transportation.. buss, train & subway.
Seriously, I don’t think you blew it. Sounds like you had a good time. Maybe it wasn’t what you expected, but it was fun.
Eathan´s last blog post…Dating Disappointments
Wow, you’re all being so kind.
Even Amy Sue Nathan! Love what you said about making new friends: “I’d prefer they be women.”
Pat: Glad you got in there before the husband! Whew.
Well, aside from all the scolding from us, you stayed true to yourself and found out just what you needed to know. End of story. I think you did good my dear! Just NOW is the time to completely put him OFF LIMITS!
BlueBella´s last blog post…I Have A Secret!!!
I know we’d like to think we don’t have to “play the game” … but it’s nature, even animals in the wild play a mating game … have a ritual.
So dance your dance, flaunt your plumes, but wait for your prey to have vested interest before you go for the kill.
Okay, I know some will give me some flack for this, but hey, for the most part it works.
Life IS a game, we all play it … everyday.
Nancy´s last blog post…Indeed, Pilot C.B. Sullenberger is a Hero
Rachel, all the advice aside, you get to live your own life and learn from your own experience, so good for you for doing what you needed to do. And what guts to post about it too
One of the things I know is that men always have a reason for not pursuing a relationship or not being “into” the woman. If he’s not asking you out, he is not a good match and he knows it on some level.
So maybe next time you go out with a guy and there’s chemistry but he’s not asking you out, you get intentional that you want that chemistry but with the right guy and get right back out there, looking for someone like that.
Thank you for mentioning my blog. I appreciate it.
Love Coach Rinatta´s last blog post…How To Bring a Marriage Back From the Brink of Divorce ~ or a Relationship Back From the Brink of a BreakUp
Way to go for having the guts to ask him out! He was not “RIGHT” for you whether you had a 2nd date or not, but it’s so much better KNOWING now. Now you don’t have to WONDER if he was Mr. Right or not. YOU KNOW — and that’s great!!
See, I’m with you Rachel. The problem here is that single moms have limited windows of opportunity to be alone with a guy so if they aren’t making a move I think we feel pressured to try to fill that night of with something fun, starting with our first choice (male companionship). I get the desire, believe me. I also get what everyone else is saying and would like to believe that one day someone will pursue me. Sigh… In the meantime, it’s encouraging to read that I’m not the only one finding the dating thing frustrating.
PT-LawMom´s last blog post…Shit Sandwich
You live, you date, you learn.
The writers of He’s Just Not That Into You – they also co-wrote the, It’s Called a Breakup Cuz It’s Broken.
Reading both of these books did help give me a new perspective. I’ve backed off, a bit, from doing the pursuing. It is my opinion that I DO deserve a phone call (and when he says he’s going to call!) and I DO NOT want to be the pursuer.
Jag-Man and I exchanged ONE text message over 3 months ago. He went back through those phone records to find my number. And yeah, that fit exactly, and I do mean exactly into what He’s Just Not That Into You says.
Dammit.
I live, I date, I learn.
QTMama´s last blog post…Honesty When Dating
Thank you for your bravery and honesty. I share the sentiments of the other commenters that it was not a mistake but a learning experience. Now you know he’s not the guy for you, and you can move on.
There’s also a great book by a hubba hubba Jewish sex therapist Ian Kerner called: “Let’s Face It: You Weren’t That Into Him Either.” A very fun read.
I have decided that with the next man that comes along in my life, I am going to do zero pursuing. I’m going to follow those stupid Rules. It’s going to be hard as hell to go against my dating habits, but I have to see if there is actually something to it.
QTmama – love that line: “I live, I date, I learn.”
Amen, sista!
Leah´s last blog post…Ah, the dating life.
I say, good job. Just try, you have nothing to lose. You had a nice night, it didn’t work, so what. again, game playing, waiting, rules , bunch of bs.
moving on…what’s next?
YAY!
At some point, we single moms are going to have stop beating ourselves up! We do enough of that already…by feeling guilty that our children are not growing up in a two parent home, by being tired, by not feeding our children extememly healthy homecooked meals and so on! Come on single mamas, stop beating yourself up for every tiny rule you break!
Way to go for following your instincts and pursuing him. You found out sooner than later. Now you know he’s not worth it. You can move on. Good Luck and keep us posted!!
I have to agree that calling him wasn’t “blowing it”. You found out what you needed to know so you can keep moving forward.
Next time around though save the cake for a guy who really deserves it (and more importantly, who will appreciate it and you).
SDMktg´s last blog post…Playoff Tailgate Recipes PART 2 – Baltimore vs. Pittsburgh
Life’s a dance. :O) We don’t learn how to dance the first time we get on the dance floor. It takes practice and a few stepped on toes but eventually we realize what feels right and is right for us. If you have someone throwing you all over the dance floor it is uncomfortable. If you have to lead in a dance, it feels uncomfortable because the man is supposed to lead. But after enough practice we find a partner that fits us perfectly. We don’t have to try so hard and it becomes a smooth dance, when the moves of the other become so comfortable that we can anticipate which way we’ll be turned. This is the partner we deserve.
There’s no blowing it in the pursuit of truth. Each turn becomes confirmation…and we learn. :O)
P.S. Thanks for linking to me. :O)
Nikki´s last blog post…Never Walk Alone
The hardest part of dating, I think, is accepting that not everyone we go out with is going to like us, even if we like them.
And sometimes it takes a few dates to figure that out.
The worst thing women do when that happens is ask themselves, “what’s wrong with me?”
And the answer is, nothing.
Once we accept that, dating — and life — is so much more pleasant.
Hang in there, Rachel. You’re great and you know it! We do, too.
Kat Wilder´s last blog post…Girl-on-girl, hot; guy-on-guy, not?