I blew it and asked him out

by singlemomseeking on January 19, 2009

You’re going to have a word with me. Go ahead. Take my blog away.

Maybe I thought I could prove you wrong. Maybe I was acting out. Maybe I’m not ready to date. Maybe I was hormonal. (I’m going on nine months without sex!)

To those of you who pointed out that no matter what I do, there’s a lesson to be learned: thank you.

I’m re-reading all of your comments here — and Love Coach Rinatta has made soft groove in my heart:

“I read your site daily, so I figure it was time to comment,”Love Coach Rinatta began.

“Have you ever heard of a little book called He’s Just Not That Into You?

Men are the supposedly the Yang energy — the action energy — so if a guy wants someone, he will go after her. If he’s ambivalent, or not sure, or what ever, he just doesn’t want it bad enough. And you want a guy who’s going to want you bad enough.

Rachel, you are so fab, you deserve a guy who’s going to chase you, not the other way around. Bottom line — don’t call, don’t hint, don’t email. Let go and move on and trust that this is a step in the right direction and the right one is out there for you.”

If that wasn’t enough, My Single Mom Life added:

I heard it straight from a man’s mouth…

The reason I was intrigued by her was because a few days after I’d called her, she wasn’t busting down my door to talk to me again. This meant to me that she didn’t need me and that she was a strong enough woman all on her own.

They’re now married…. It’s not about him being worth it. It’s about YOU being worth it. You deserve to be pursued.”

~~~
I should have waited, I know.

I got obsessed by the fact that I had the WHOLE night off. (My sister wanted to have an “auntie slumber party.”) I could have gone out with girlfriends. I could have taken myself to a movie. (I love to see movies alone!).

Believe me, I’m very good at being with myself. For the the past year  — since my break up with The Biologist — I’ve done a good job at making the most of my alone time.

But I craved some flirtatious male energy.

So, I waved away your advice that I should go dancing with my girlfriends.

I waved away your advice about the “requisite three to four days to be in touch.”

I waved away your advice about making myself “unavailable” to drive him nuts.

And I called him. We chatted, we laughed, and I happened to mention that I have the night off.

“Are you asking me out?” he said.

“Uh, maybe–”

And that was that.

I really don’t need to go into every detail about the date, because you already know: we’re not headed down the road of romance. (I do think we’ll be friends, and I’ve nurtured so many friendships with men on JDate that I’m losing track).

Here are some of the things I discovered about him:

He doesn’t own a car. Don’t get me wrong, I have the highest regard for anyone who gets by without a car. (He bikes, walks, takes public transportation, depends on friends.)

But from a single mom’s point of view… I don’t want to be the chauffeur all the time.

He’s also seeing another woman and he was vague about where they’re at. (If you haven’t read QT Mama’s post about how Honesty When Dating, you might.)

When I asked him about his family, he said, “I don’t talk about my family.”

Uh oh. Red flag.

So, there you have it. I take full responsibility for blowing it.

Go ahead and tell me, “We told you so.”

I’m a big girl, I can take it.

Here’s to having your cake and eating it, too…. If you read the previous post, you’ll get it..

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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

Alicia January 18, 2009 at 7:17 pm

Rachel, it’s all good sweetie. You did what your heart and your head told you to do; and it steered you right. Now you know that he wasn’t right for you, no matter who did the pursuing. Next!

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wandamd January 19, 2009 at 9:05 am

I kinda take back what I said in the previous post…fact is you figured out on the second date that YOU just weren’t that into him! Instead of beating yourself up over him not having called you again for a second date it will now be much easier to let him go. Sorry for being so tough on you…should have said “Do what your gut says”…in the end you DID and it was a win-win situation.

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Attainingme January 19, 2009 at 11:02 am

Rach-
I think we all support you no matter what. And i think sometimes we know someone may not be Mr. Right, but perhaps, he offers something that is right in the moment. Even if it’s just clarity, end to not knowing or flirting!

Attainingme´s last blog post…Gift me with anything but indifference

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Mike January 19, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Rachel, you didn’t “blow it”. So it took you two dates to find out what you needed to know. Small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.

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singlemomseeking January 19, 2009 at 6:24 pm

Thank you all so much!!

Interestingly, this man in mention has read these blog posts.

QT Mama, thank you for “You live, you date, you learn.”

SDMktg: Will you please send me your favorite cake recipe? I know who’s getting the next cake! (She’s going to be 9…)

Wanda: No worries.

Yes, Alicia, “next”!

Reply

Aimee February 8, 2010 at 4:05 pm

I just asked a guy out myself. I completely went against my beliefs and did it because he had been repeatedly asking me to call him, but never made the move. I don’t like playing games. I get straight to the point. So I asked him out, he said he was busy and I said “If you’re not interested, it’s okay.” He completely avoided that statement.

My question when someone says, “It doesn’t sound like he’s interested” is always “Well, why the heck not?! Why wouldn’t he be?!” I think that’s my thing. I never want to believe he’s not interested because it makes me think something’s wrong with me. I hate that.

Note to guys: If you’re not interested, make that clear from the beginning and don’t give signals that you are interested. Have some respect for your female friends.

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