Some nights, I sit and remember the month I moved back to California with my sweet pea of a toddler. It was time for us to come home, to be closer to family. As much as I loved New York City, my baby needed more than the city could offer. So did I.
We’d just settled into the home of a single mom, upstairs, and we got to share her incredible garden where I took this photo. I was on a roll as a freelance writer and editor. I’d found a sweet, loving preschool near our home.
I was ready to date again.
First, I met a cute guy at the grocery store. We had a hot fling that quickly fizzled. But I was feeling confident. There was a man out there for me. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that I was really looking for a man to fill that hole inside me.
When I put myself on online, I was still heartbroken. But I dated and dated. I had a few short relationships, if you could call them that.
I dated some more. When I fell in love with the Israeli and thought, “This is it.” We were talking marriage and a baby.
But we couldn’t make it work. It was time for me to face my loneliness head on.
Jump ahead two more years — with lots of introspection and tears in between — and I’m back out there. Initially, I decided I wasn’t going to blog about any of my dates. It’s time for me to have some privacy, to keep the details behind closed doors.
Still, I wish I could tell you I’ve felt a spark, a glint, a flicker… anything.
Give me a little hope.
Is there a confident, intelligent, sweet single guy out there who can appreciate me as a woman, mother — and blogger?
I’ll do the same for him. I will.
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Yes! There is someone out there! In time…
I was divorced 8 years…and went on the same path that you did…
and then one day, when i wasn’t looking… and didn’t want to date.. i met him…
and we’re getting married this july, or so we’ve talked about…
hang in there!!!
Heather {Desperately Seeking Sanity}´s last blog post…You Wanted To Know…So I’ll Tell You…
Hope is one of my favorite words…
Such a powerful thing, to have hope.
I hope yours not only grows, but flourishes.
won´s last blog post…Hollywood, here we come (until the drug addict showed up)
You’ll appreciate them as a woman? That might be the problem
I’d be amazed if there wasn’t a queue of ‘right’ men for you. Mind, that said, there isn’t many of my male friends that I could see myself with if I was a girl. But that isn’t because they don’t appreciate their other halves I suppose.
The trick, as always is finding them, but being open to that is the start of that surely?
May the force be with you. And that you soon will be keeping that Coutts (sic) woman happy.
SingleParentDad´s last blog post…Dating A Widower
Sweet Rachel…
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Surely, he’s out there. I mean, surely… when we least expect it? Right?
Yes, I’m hoping right there with you.
You definitely have a confident, intelligent, sweet single girl out here who appreciates you as a woman, mother — and blogger!
T´s last blog post…A reader asks…
We all have insecurities…and they take us as slaves for a moment in time…We are freed by our hope and faith, encouragement and love, strength and agility…keep your head up–beautiful, intelligent, strong, and funny…what more could any man ask for??
AK´s last blog post…The Sweetest Moments…
Ahh, you are just on a bad patch. The Big Guy Upstairs has a man just for you, but he hasn’t sent him to you yet. So keep doing what you are doing: Writing books; Blogging; Being a great mom to that cute little M; And being eye-candy. (And if the Big Guy doesnt do something soon, I’ll write him myself and ask what’s taking him so long!)
Kevin´s last blog post…Facebook can be so cruel
Hey Rachel, first thanks for the link and congrats on the LA times picking up you piece! It is so great that you can speak for us single moms – and that you do it so well!
I find holding off on telling a date about my blog is best. (if they don’t already know) It can be very revealing at times and can even “coach” some men how to say the right things to win me over. I would rather know his thoughts and comments are authentically his, instead of trying to suit what he thinks I want. Additionally I once had a guy who thought everything I wrote about men referred to him – what an ego! But, I am SURE you will find a guy that can accept all that is you, blogger, mom, and all.
MindyMom´s last blog post…Baggage or Blessing?
Everyone says the answer is yes and possible it is!
Right now I am not so sure – well for me that is! I am also convinced he isnt on any online dating sites!!!
It will happen Rachel – when the universe decides we are ready
Thats a VERY cute pic of M!!
laurakim´s last blog post…Interview with ME
Rachel;
This will sound naive, but I really do believe that relationships fall your way when they’re supposed to. The brief ones you stumble through on your way to the significant ones — or one, in the end — all build the person you become. Just look at how far you and M have come in these few years, and how you’ve evolved as a result of your experiences.
Jorge Fitz-Gibbon´s last blog post…Men in the Mix
Heather (above) is a friend of mine and she has become my last sense of hope and inspiration because of her story that I have personally been able to see unfold… I too think it CAN HAPPEN and WILL HAPPEN someday for me as well…. and you too RACHEL!
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post…Single Moms and Their Son’s Firsts
Since I do have a lot of experience with dry spells (and breaking them), I will add that the idea of fate bringing a man your way is a nice sentiment, but maybe you need to be more proactive. (definitely for men, maybe not as much for women) I would suggest adjusting your initial expectations and maybe reevaluating your ‘rules’. I still get the impression that perhaps some of the men you initially rejected are just different than what you expect, but not as bad as you think.
I always try to keep two things in mind – the rough periods in life really do make you grow and become a better person, and also the next date has no relation to any of the previous bad dates.
This is beautifully written and very touching. This question worries me a bit: Is there a confident, intelligent, sweet single guy out there who can appreciate me as a woman, mother — and blogger?
The answer is yes. Believe that it is yes. Instead of wondering if there’s an answer, which causes anxious energy within you – let yourself feel the joy you’ll have when that man is in your life.
Associate that joyful feeling with your goal/wish/dream, rather than associating the anxiety.
This is basically “The Secret”. It really does work – teach yourself to associate the positive emotion you want to have, with the thing you want to attract. You don’t want anxiety and longing, you want vibrancy and joy!
dadshouse´s last blog post…Hey Ann Coulter – It’s Evolution, Baby!
First, I apologize for my absence; my dad passed in December and I am still mourning my loss.
Anyhow, I agree with Dad’s House in that it’s all in how you look at it. Kind of like the glass 1/2 empty-1/2 full adage. Many of my friends are on their 2nd marriages and although my daughter is still little, I used to wonder if it will happen to me. But then I remind myself that I used to feel sorry for myself during my “dry spells” as Phil callst them, when there was no man in my life, and guess what. Someone would ALWAYS come along. I even had a guy I’d known for years tell me once that he never approached me for a date because I always had someone in my life!
So I don’t worry about it anymore. A mate is not something that I’m pining for, but I do believe that when the time is right, it will happen. I can totally relate to Heather on her experience. So try not to be so anxious about it!
LEM: I’ve been wondering about your absence, wanting to reach out… now I know. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Sending you a warm, loving hug.
Heather: Happy Birthday! And I’m SO thrilled for you! Yes, Katherine, Heather is an inspiration, and I’m honored I got to meet her in person at BlogHer this summer!
Dad’s House: Someone actually sent me “The Secret’s” daily teachings… and I have yet to open them. It’s time. Interesting that you notice anxiety.
Maybe you just aren’t noticing all of the guys who are craning their necks every time you walk down the street. You are gorgeous, woman! And believe me, guys are noticing.
Maybe Phil is right and you just need to cast your net wider when it comes to expectations or rules. There is nothing wrong with dating a guy who is unlike others you’ve dated before.
Best of luck to you. And be careful not to trip over all the guys who are noticing what an intelligent, beautiful woman you are.
Jim Everson (Depot Dad)´s last blog post…The Big Questions
Phil: Over the past month, I’ve been on many first dates, a couple of multiple dates… I’ve gone on all of these dates feeling open-minded and optimistic. As “T” wrote in a recent post, it’s not that any of these men are “bad.” I’m hopeful for the “click.” I’m open.
T: Thanks for the copy edit…. and blush, blush. (By the way, M asked me today if I can buy a mega-carton of almond milk for her. You got her hooked!)
I think there are many reasons we do and many reasons we don’t meet someone quickly – or ever. For me right now, it’s about being available AND geographically undesirable (http://www.examiner.com/x-2443-Chicago-Single-Mom-Examiner)
I know that your blogs and your book focus on dating…and it’s understandable to want it so badly. But (you knew there was a but, didn’t you) if you stopped worrying about it so much – it would probably happen!!!
Amy Nathan´s last blog post…How a book is like a theme party
Rachel, yes there is someone for all of us. In addition to hope I do think that vulnerability, openness, and faith are key. The fact is: you have the last 3 down pat so just keep doing what you’re doing!
Amy: I agree with Dad’s House here, when he calls me out on my anxiety. Every so often, I get this pang of anxiety. (Hormones? Ha!)
But I’m not worried.
I’ve been a single mom for eight years now. I feel really good about where I’m am right now. You followed me through the one long-term relationship I’ve had during this time (thank you, Amy!!). Sometimes, I just get this little pang. Know what I mean?
Yes, there’s a confident, intelligent, sweet single guy out there who can appreciate me as a woman, mother — and blogger? What you must realize is that you are asking for a quality man who appreciates your strength (not resent it)—so you mustn’t settle–and those kinds of men take a little longer to come by. I have lots of writers in my family whose husbands deeply appreciate their honesty (even when they write about them). It may mean that you have to try something new and out of the ordinary–instead of online dating (which, personally, I find depressing)–try something that involves co-ed like Salsa, kickball (we all suck–it’s about fun, not competition), speed dating or even start a co-ed book club for single parents! You’ve got to think outside the box.
Oh geez, Rachel, I know exactly what you mean. I get the pang too — but I have to tell you that I push it aside and move onto something else. The pang usually leads to a stint on JDate, where I am readily reminded how handsome all the men are and how they all look good in jeans AND a tux. The problem is, they are the ones reminding me!
Amy Nathan´s last blog post…How a book is like a theme party
What a cute baby!!!!
Janna´s last blog post…Three different kinds of strange men…
Hmmmm, I guess if I had any good answers I wouldn’t be single right?
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just doomed to have nothing but a series of short relationships from now on or if I am just too cynical to really be available? Like WALL-E I see people embracing, holding hands, etc, and I want that but I don’t really know how to find it or fit it in with the rest of my life. Why can’t it be as easy as most movies or sitcoms make it seem to be?
In the mean time, Avigail had a great suggestion! Also sites like meetin.org or meetup.com offer great opportunities to do new things with like minded people…lets say…geocaching….or any number of cool new activities. At the very least you get to get out, meet some new fun people, and do some activities that you enjoy without being alone.
Crazy Computer Dad´s last blog post…Must be cattle nearby….
Ok, I know this sounds so completely jaded, but I’ve given up on finding that one special guy. I’m thinking that there couldn’t possibly be someone out there who would WANT to put up with me. And who could blame them?
I hope there are better men in the Bay than there are in Cincy. Oy vey. Cheers to you finding a goodin’.
Erica´s last blog post…Maalox, Anyone?
There should be someone out there, really, there should. You are in a good age group (still ripe enough to appeal to a good range of ages) and just lovely. It will happen. Just have lovingkindness to yourself, keep that going. I’ve pretty much given up, but I’m a bit older than you… and lots of complicated things have happened since we learned we would have to do it on our own. Lately I feel boxed in and my shelf life expired. Your wistfulness touches me and I want to send you hope… and deep breaths.
Great post! Hang in there and don’t lose hope…sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps us going.
LB´s last blog post…Like a Shot
Of course there’s a great guy out there for you but I live in DC. Seriously, it was raining great women for me just after I got separated. What I didn’t know was I was a mess. Three years later, and now divorced, things have gone cold as I have regained my sanity and become much healthier. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? No. I see things much clearer now and can recognize how healthy a prospective partner is which I couldn’t do three years ago. My advice is do healthy, life affirming things, raise your lovely child and be patient. Easier said than done and full of cliches but true.
don’t give up…there is definitely a man out there just waiting to show you so much love and happiness that you won’t be able to stand it.
i know it sounds cliche but really when you are truly content somehow they know and they do come knockin’. i have recently met a wonderful man who is perfect for me in this season in my life. i have no idea what will happen or if he is “the one”. all i know is his presence in my life has renewed my HOPE in finding love as a single mama. hang in there, girl!!!
from the desk of …me´s last blog post…Don’t Force It
Thanks for this Jack: “My advice is do healthy, life affirming things, raise your lovely child and be patient.”
Sooz: These readers are speaking to you, too! Please don’t give up.
Erica and The Desk of Me: I used to believe there was just “one.”
But I know that a man will never meet all of my needs, and nor is it fair to expect that from him (or vice versa!) I’m grateful to have such an incredible core of girlfriends who nurture me, make me laugh, listen… I’m ready for you, Mister.
Is there a confident, intelligent, sweet single guy out there who can appreciate me as a woman, mother — and blogger?
I think the question should read:
Am I a confident, intelligent, sweet single woman who can appreciate myself as a woman, mother — and blogger?
When you can answer, REALLY answer yes to that then you will be open to a long-lasting real relationship. In the mean time we sound awfully needy (yuck) looking for that reassurance in a relationship.
And here I paraphrase: Jane Fonda, in the last few years, admitted she has been a disgrace and failure for all women. She was never herself but morphed for each man in her life. We do not want to go there.
The lesson Dorothy learned in Oz was, “If I ever have to go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t go any further than my own back yard. If it’s not there then I didn’t really lose it to begin with.”