My parents tried their best. They really did. But let’s just say that I try my best not to follow their example all the time.
Can anyone say drama? And using your kids as pawns? You get the picture.
As much as I love being a mother, parenting doesn’t come easy for me. Does it for you?
I’m like one of those folks who hunts down gallery openings — for the free booze and food. Except that I’m on a mission to find free or low-cost parenting classes. I’ve been like this since I was pregnant.
I just can’t get enough parenting tips. I grew up with few boundaries (can you tell?) — so I’m always trying to hone my skills.
I’m amazed at how many parenting resources there are in our country, if you just look around. Recently, one of my single mom friends invited me to a parenting class — “How to raise a resilient child” — at her school. Score!
When a local father recognized me in the meeting room — and wondered why I was at his kid’s school — I said, “Yeah, I really need the help. Thanks for having me as the ‘outsider.’ ”
He wasn’t sure if I was serious. I was.
In short, this insightful parenting expert told us: “Kids today don’t know how to use their disappointment muscle.”
Have you noticed this trend, too? Parents (myself included) sometimes have a hard time setting limits, i.e., just saying “No.”
As a result, their kids feel like they’re entitled to everything.
She gave an example that really cracked me up:
The 17-year-old daughter of a single mom had come to her mother to talk about sex. They had a very open, honest relationship, so the mother wasn’t surprised when her daughter said, “I’m ready to have sex with my boyfriend.”
They’d already talked about birth control and being safe. Their dialogue continued.
The mother thought it was going so well. Until her daughter said, “So, Mom, I’m inviting him over on Friday. And we’re going to use your bed.”
Say what?
Does setting boundaries come easy for you? Are you a pro?
Do your kids get to flex their “disappointment muscles”?
P.S. Dr. Leah and I have just come up with Survival Tips for the Holidays for Single Parents – check ‘em out!
 |
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG, are you kidding me, my 12 year old has an i-phone…and I have a stinking phone that keeps breaking down. For some reason when I take her computer & or tv away from her (usually for failing something in school, that she supposedly studied for all weekend) I end up giving it back because I feel bad…or feel like I’m being a mean mother, she is an only child, so I’m too focused on her! But am I setting her and myself up for trouble?
My friends and I actually had the “does parenting come easy” discussion last weekend. It doesnt – for any of the 3 of us!!
Every day its struggle to figure it out!!!
I think I am ok with setting boundaries – my kids dont get what they want when they want it but they dont want for anything – if that makes sense!!
But I still battle with the daily challenges of parenting!
laurakim´s last blog post…Whats up with me
Wow! Setting boundaries come at a very early age, and although it might hurt you as a parent to say NO, in the end you are helping yourself and your kid for the future. The advice came from my mother (rip) when my 2 were little. She always told me even if I CAN afford to buy it for them, don’t give it so easily, let them wait, because instant gratification is no fun! And so I followed that advice. They had to earn things with good behavior, respect and good grades in school, then it was a privilege to receive it! Gotta set the boundaries early otherwise it can get out of hand when they become teenagers.
There’s a lot of money here in Silicon Valley, many kids feel entitled. My daughter was shocked when she got a used truck to drive, handed down from a relative – some of her friends got brand new BMW’s. But my daughter learned that sometimes you make do. And when her gas tank is empty, she makes do on a bike.
As for parenting – everyone is different. I find parenting comes very easily and naturally to me, but I have friends who really work at it. But there’s plenty I have to really work at, like getting my butt out there to flirt!
I TOTALLY had the baby/toddler thing down. Awesome. This big kid thing? HA! Not so much. I don’t want to be a ranting lunatic, but the eye rolling and being completely demanding, UGH! I hope to figure it out soon!
Angela´s last blog post…Wordless Wednesday (2006)
I don’t worry about the boundaries I set.
And apparently, compared to other parents, I set a lot of boundaries. But my kids are happy, well-adjusted, and (fairly!) well-behaved. I think they probably are tempermentally “easy” children, but perhaps the boundaries have something to do with it, too.
I learned a huge amount in the first couple years of parenting from my kids’ daycare mom and also from the workers at a daycare center where my kids were.
They modelled how to take care of children with firmness combined with love and caring, sometimes in ways that wouldn’t have occurred to me. Yet it was so clear how a little structure gave the kids in those daycares (mine included) a feeling of security and profound happiness. (The structure also allowed one person to look after 10 children of different ages without things going out of control–something I took note of!)
I had to set boundaries early in order to survive. I had twins and a full-time job (that I absolutely had to have) and a husband (now ex) who didn’t help out at all with the kids (he was worse than useless–passed out on the couch most of the time). So my babies had to exercise their “disappointment muscle” early, waiting to be held/fed etc while I was finishing feeding the other one, and I had to train them to toe the line immediately when I said so. Trips on planes, or to the grocery store for example, would otherwise have been impossible (who can carry bags/push a grocery care & also carry/hold onto two babies at the same time? They had to walk, and stay close to me–so they learned to do that very early and not run off).
Again, I’m so humbled by all of you! Wow.
I should add — as Angela points out, too — that mothering a baby and toddler came naturally for me. I’m a nurturer at heart.
But that “big kid” in my midst? Oh my.
My kid is incredibly polite, kind, and empathetic in the world. But this mother-daughter tango behind closed doors is really intense. She can be “Ms. Sassy” — pushing my every button — when it’s the two of us.
I’m kind of relieved I’m not alone?
My three adult kids will tell you I had no problem with setting boundaries. And they’re right. I tended to set well-established limits and then relaxed them as necessary due to changing circumstances or as maturing teens developed.
With pre-teen Little Elvis, being the last of 4, he’s learned to respect his limits much sooner than did his siblings. I try to explain why the limits exist so he can understand the reasons for their existence.
If you know the stove is hot and you’ve seen how your siblings were burned while testing the theory, you’re less likely to touch it.
I hope.
Solo-Dad´s last blog post…10 Tips for Solo-Dads at Christmas
My boundaries with my son have gotten better as mine get better. He benefits from my growth. I had the help of a psychologist when my son was young to give me some direction. However I usually see the line split between men and women. Men seem to have a better boundary setting ability with kids. So the stereotype is true however where this comes from is beyond me though.
As a child, my mother had no boundaries set before me–I NEVER had chores (can you believe it?)–she rarely said, “No!” So, what happened? I learned to not set boundaries–I had sex at a very young age and even married a man who completely took advantage of that.
Post-divorce, I asked myself, what I would need to do to make sure that my own daughter doesn’t end up like that? Well, I learned that having firm and clear boundaries is the answer. So, I set very firm boundaries with her (and, goodness, saying no is hard–and even harder to keep it–but I do, and she knows that when I say No, that’s the end of the conversation). It wasn’t easy for me—but I had to do it–and I’ve learned that kids want and crave limits and yet, they still love me! And, I even have one of those sassy kid who will try to test me daily–and daily, I have to plant my foot down firmly and not budge. Whew!
uhhh.. WOW. That’s all I can say. Can I use your bed? I’m not sure if I should laugh or what.
hmm.. My kids have plenty of boundaries. I have no problem saying no. Interesting you wrote this. I had Dirt Bike Boy with me at the bank and said no to the normal bank candy. The bank teller (20ish guy) said, he’s got a long life ahead of him if dad won’t let you have candy. My response was, he has plenty of yes in his life.
Just because it’s available doesn’t mean it’s good or healthy for my kids. I exercise the yes and no muscle all the time. There is no entitlement with out employment in my house.
Eathan´s last blog post…Mormon Girl – The Final Chapter
Ahh we have boundries pretty well set with the exception of one that is both good and bad.
She has to know exactly why all the time. Once you explain it typically she is fine with the answer (as long as it isn’t something like “because I said so”). No amount of discipline or parenting techniques have stopped this in my child. She questions everyone about everything not just when a boundary is set though.
Kari´s last blog post…I really do have the best daughter ever!
I took the resilient kid class right after my divorce. It was offered through First 5 of California. I also pushed the kids’ mom into taking a coparenting class with me and then I took a couple more classes. I learned a little but mostly I gained confidence that I have a pretty good grasp of my job as a parent. It is a job and setting boundaries is part of it. My kids are great. I really only have one issue with them and that is cleaning their rooms and picking up after themselves. They do everything else I ask. I think MC is right about twins. (In my case I did most of the work but that’s another story) Mine had to learn early on that sometimes they have to wait. I do work at being a good dad but a lot of it does come naturally. That “it’s all about me” attitude that comes with spoiled kids will make life harder down the road.
Great post Rachel…definitely something I struggle with parenting my two kids. I am pretty firm with them and they definitely have alot more rules at home then when they are with their dad. I don’t want them to be the spoiled poster children of divorce where guilty parents give in to their every demand. As I tell them all the time…yes is always easier to say no but someday you’ll thank me for all the no’s. It’s interesting to note though, how much better behaved they are for me than for their father..I do thinks kids really crave structure and boundaries.
Wow, that is a pretty racy example! I have never heard of disappointment as a muscle, but I think that is a great way of thinking of it…. and to that end, kids need to have opportunities to use it on the small stuff (so no overparenting please) so that they will know where to find it for the big things.
I have a chapter devoted to overcoming disappointment (and failure and losing) in my new book: Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility and Happiness– if you want to see an excerpt, you can go to http://www.freeingyourchild.com
Oh god. I am a mess when it comes to boundaries. I took a Positive Discipline parenting class and it was awesome but I have such a hard time putting it into practice.
Mainly because I am too exhausted to deal with the fallout of “no” with my 3 year old when I discipline him. I know I need to work harder at it. I do not let him hurt others or me or make scenes in public. We go take a time out together when he does that.
I do indulge him with treats when we are at Target or the supermarket, just so I can get through the damn store. But short term convenience does not mean long term gain. So I am really committing during his 3rd year to be more consistent and firm with boundaries. The lovey, mushy-gooshy, snuggly stuff I have down pat.
Leah´s last blog post…Shout out to Sami G on Birthday #3
I am all about boundaries…just ask my DD.
Take a Love and Logic class or buy the book or CD. I am a facilitator for them only because they are so ‘right on’ and the best part is there 800 number where there is always 24/7 a person to talk to to problem solve……
Ugh. My mother and I were JUST discussing this today. I am horrible about giving in. Probably part of my guilt at working full-time, going to law school, being sick and being divorced all at the same time. Not much left for the kid so he asks, he gets. Not cool. I’m trying to work on it. Lately he’s started with the backtalk (he’s 5) and I’ve realized we have a problem. So I need to nip it in the bud. I’m starting with taking a semester off of law school to focus on him and we’ll see what happens.
Interesting way to put it about the disappointment muscle. What my mother said is that I need to stop over-praising him for good listening and other good behavior because he’ll expect that in the real world. I’m not sure about that, but I guess I can dial it down a bit.
PT-LawMom´s last blog post…Bad Boys
“So, Mom, I’m inviting him over on Friday. And we’re going to use your bed.”
Some likely answers for this scenario:
1.) Sure hon, but I’ll be there too, so work around me, will ya?
2.) Of course hon, but it’s too short of a time to get some BC pills, so in any case I’ll have to show him how to use a condom properly. ‘No love w/o the glove!’
3.) Sure kid, do I call the guys from Vivid productions now, or do you want to see how the lighting works out in there first?
4.) That sounds swell! Wait, can I invite some friends to play too!
5.) There’s no way in hell I’m letting you use my ‘love swing’ without proper supervision. I’ll have to be there as a spotter. Mr. Thain from next door is a paramedic, and he’ll be nearby & on call too…
6.) Swell! Where do you want the invites sent to? Aunt Do-Do in Phoenix would love to come!
7.) Great I’ll hang that sickle from the ceiling fan like I’ve always wanted!
8.) Sure, just watch out for that bear trap in there.
9.) I’m sorry, but my bluegrass/banjo pickers/opera group will be in there practicing this week.
10.) I’m sorry hon, but grandma will be visiting then, and you know how she is!
Just some thoughts… Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
I always get upset whenever I read some celebrity saying how easy parenting is. That usually means that there is a nanny somewhere in the mix. I don’t think parenting should be easy, I mean, it’s the most important job most of us will probably do in our lives. If it’s easy, you are doing it wrong! I take it very seriously, and, although I love it, it most certainly is not easy. If you get into it simply for the adoration, you will be disappointed. You are shaping a PERSON, enabling and guiding them to be the person they will be. I thoroughly enjoy it, but I take it very seriously.
Paige´s last blog post…Bitter, table for one
Paige: I have a nanny and I’m not a celebrity–she babysits the children while I’m working. And I do take parenting my children seriously.
Parenting was hard when my kids were babies, but I can’t say it’s agony now—it’s really fun. However, I’m bracing for the teen years….!
Oh the entitlement! I’m definitely feeling that these days. Mine is months away from becoming a teenagers and already acting like one.
The laziness is amazing. She will sleep until 4 PM if I let her, and getting her off her butt to do anything is nearly impossible. She will do anything she can to get out of work (pretend she didn’t hear me, take an extra long time on homework since she knows that’s a priority, etc.) I could really use some help around the house, but she’s so busy cleaning up after herself (eventually, after I’ve told her 40 times) that she never gets around to helping me out.
And nothing is good enough. Our house is too small, her phone isn’t nice enough, her flute is crappy, we never do anything fun (we always do fun things… hello, we live in Orlando and are at one theme park or another every other month! not to mention other things we do like the movies, skating, etc, and the sleepovers she goes to almost every weekend), etc etc. I think it’s just the age she’s at right now, and it doesn’t help that most of her friends are better off financially than we are, but the child wants for nothing, and it drives me nuts that I work so hard for her to have a good life, and she just constantly complains that it’s not good enough.
But I suck at setting boundaries and saying no. I have to work on that. For me it just seems like too much trouble to argue with her. But I know we as parents just have to suck it up and do what’s necessary.
She’s a good kid though… gets good grades, altar serves at our church, is a girl scout, is kind, etc. But OH laziness and lack of gratitude! That goes away eventually, right? In about 10 years?
Okay, rant over. LOL
Kelly´s last blog post…Buffyfan30′s Tweets
I agree that kids today are conditioned and “taught” to have a sense of entitlement… mine included! Sometimes I wonder as single parents if we don’t “over-indulge” giving our kids things to make up for the single parent complex we have. I do set some boundaries… my budget requires it… but as they get older it gets harder. We did discuss the other night that at age 15 they will be allowed to have a cell phone and we decided when each of them start high school I plan to invest in a laptop for them to use… but we currently have two nice desktop computers at the house and numerous game systems… well you get the picture… so where does it end!? And with all this “stuff” they also seem to think they “never” have anything to do fun… or it’s boring at home… um yeah they have so much more than I ever did growing up…and we have their friends over ALL-THE-TIME so I want to work on this as well.
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post…Holding on to Hope and Faith in Uncertain Times
Oh VJ! I love your comments! How funny!!
Yeah, I’m pretty tough on my kids. I didn’t have boundaries but I did have discipline. My lack of boundaries were in other areas… I’m learning them now.
My dad was a hard ass on me especially. I’m probably as tough as he was. I’m the disciplinarian between me and the ex too. He lets them get away with murder and then giggles about it with them!
Ya know, I’m harder on my kids than my sister is on her kids. I really think its because I am the oldest and Dad was different with me than her or my brother. Interesting…
My kids aren’t perfect but they definitely know better than to feel entitled. (Well, ok… at least most of the time.)
T´s last blog post…Velvet AND Steel
Again, thanks to all of you! I really appreciate your honesty here.
I also noted what this parenting expert — who has worked with kids for three decades — said:
That adolescence has sped up two+ years this generation.
This means that your 10-year-old is behaving like a 12-year-old, etc. True for you?
I asked the Judge to send both me and my ex to a Love & Logic class. He didn’t show but I went to the entire 5-week session and learned a lot. ITS HARD! Its WAY more painful for the parents than for the kids. I really respect their whole “let them make mistakes when they are young and consquences aren’t as bad.” They also tell you that enforcing rules will seem like the COMPLETE WRONG thing to do, because the reaction is so awful, but it will get better.
Yeah, definitely taught me alot, even if I don’t agree with all of it.
pisceshanna´s last blog post…Christmas Tree Euphoria
Even though my daughter is close (emotionally and physically) to her Daddy, it was clear to me very early on that he had no will power to set boundary’s with our daughter. Now that we have separate homes and there is no one to “run to” when I say no or have to enlist dicipline her and I do have a very close relationship that is loving and sometimes respectful. When she’s with her Daddy it totally chaotic and he is exhausted when the visits end. He complains that she is always whining and very demanding with him. It made it very clear to me that while it is painful sometimes to set boundary’s when you want to give in to all their demands…in the long run you are teaching them how to cope with the real world…and they will love you for it.
It’s very difficult to balance praise and entitlement. I think this generation of parents and teachers (especially elementary school) have been trained to constantly encourage their children and tell them how wonderful and special they are. It’s a good thing, but the consequence is that they grow up believing it and expecting everyone to think they are special and wonderful no matter what they do. The old-fashion traditional home where the mom praises and the dad punishes probably helped raise a more balanced child, but that model seems to be going away.
I don’t know what the answer is. Also, I was raised without having to do chores and was constantly praised, yet I’ve always been extremely responsible. So you’ve also got genetics playing a big factor too.
My first job out of college was at Boys Town in NE working for the Common Sense Parenting Program.
Even though I didn’t have kids then, it really taught me a lot about raising them, along with my parents of course, and gave me some options I use with my kids today. You may want to check out any resources/books they have online. I used to have all my materials but they vanished with the last move.
Anywho – I’m in agreement with the other parents of twins . . .parenting twins as a single Mom is straight up disappointment from the beginning. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. Someone nearly always has to wait, or cry, or get used to whatever circumstance that cannot be handled immediately. Sometimes it’s a guilt ridden lifestyle from a Mommy’s perspective, but the kids survive, adapt and thrive. I believe boundries are the single most important gift you can give your children, along with lots of love, devotion and kindness.
And if you read my post today, it’s definitely addressing the disappointment issue – on both sides:)
BlueBella´s last blog post…Breaking An Ornament & Slashing My Wrists Seemed Like a Better Option
This is a great post. There are sooo many issues single parents face, and it’s so helpful to read posts this like. Thanks!
BlapherMJ´s last blog post…Fabulous Fridays