Money is such a loaded topic, and too often in my life, money has been attached to emotional strings.
So, on a first date, I always want to divide the bill, fair and square. That’s my way of avoiding any conflict about money, so I hope.
Yet, I’ve talked to some women who say, “Well, if we hit it off, I let him pay.”
And I’ve been with men who insist on paying — and, no, it’s not worth a first date argument to duke it out.
I was recently interviewed in article for MSNBC.com — “Amid slump, singles cut dating costs” — about the fact that the slump in the economy is sparking creative ideas for dates.
One 35-year-old man plans museum visits with a first date around “free” days at the museum. (I don’t blame him. Do you?)
More and more singles are “are turning down swanky restaurants for casual rendezvous or even homemade dinners.” Are you among them?
I am.
I told the reporter that instead of going out for fancy dinners, you might go bowling or rolling skating, or head to a free outdoor concert. (If you live in California!)
Until recently, I loved hiking on a date. (Not a first date for safety reasons, although a second date is fine.)
“Besides the chocolate, fruit and water she and her date split on their three-hour hike, the only other price she paid was getting poison oak.”
Your turn:
On a first date, who pays?
Do you discuss who’ll pay beforehand?
Do you find yourself suggesting “free” dates instead of fancy dinners and drinks?
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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
he pays..we don’t discuss it first and if there is an awkward moment when the bill arrives that’s a “note to self”
a free something as part of the date is fine but not the whole date
I have never been on a first date that I have paid. I always offer but its always turned down! So I dont argue!!!
I dont mind doing “free” stuff as long as its fun free stuff!
Laura´s last blog post…Intimacy
On a first date, who pays? I take the splitting approach unless he insists because it isn’t worth the argument. I’m a very independent woman so I’m secure in the fact that a man pays for my meal.
Do you discuss who’ll pay beforehand? I haven’t ever discussed it beforehand. This is never something easy to bring up. I have turned down dates on weeks that it is tight. Being a single mom living paycheck to paycheck that happens more often than one might think.
Do you find yourself suggesting “free” dates instead of fancy dinners and drinks? All the time, I’ve met guys at the park for a walk around the track and sitting down at a picnic table among many other free dates. Some dates more fun than others although thinking back that had more to do with who I was with like the park thing was really fun because the person I was with was really fun. I don’t mind coupons either actually I’m impressed by them. My current boyfriend the first time we went to the movies we got in for free, it was fairly close to our first date. We didn’t go to the movies because it was free but he used his coupons he earned at work (he’s in sales and it was an incentive on a smaller campaign) because we went to the movies. Either way it was fine by me. He’s not a cheapskate but he’s conscientious of money I can see that and its a good quality to have.
Kari´s last blog post…I really do have the best daughter ever!
I did go on a date last month, and when the bill came I offered half.
I felt like it was the right thing to do.
I was a bit surprised when he took it…I will admit.
won´s last blog post…Happy 16th Birthday in Heaven My Sweet Girl
I always split the bill on a first date… but I guess I wouldn’t really do battle over it if he really insisted.
Cheap dates: I have played pool at a local bar. We each bought one round of drinks and we each payed for one game at the table. That was fun, and took forever with those two games because we were so busy flirting.
Carolyn´s last blog post…No More Dates With Single Dad
I don’t ever discuss it beforehand.
When the bill comes, I always offer to split it. But I don’t argue over it if he turns me down.
I do, however, always say thank you. I went out with a guy once who, in response to my thank you after he paid, said “You’re one of the few women who has thanked me. It’s as if girls expect the guy to pick up the tab. I don’t mind doing it but would appreciate a thank you.”
Clearly he’s dating the wrong kind of women.
If we go out again (or maybe head out for drinks after dinner or something…), I insist on picking up that tab.
liz´s last blog post…New days, new plays
When I dated in the northeast, we always split. Down here (deep south), men almost get offended if you offer. That said, I still do “the reach”. And I always say thank you. Just good manners.
As for savings, I think meeting for coffee (or a cheaper lunch) is a better first date activity than dinner. Especially when I have to pay for a sitter so we are BOTH out money!
PT-LawMom´s last blog post…Bad Boys
I always offer to pay half, regardless of where we go on a first date (although I’ve learned not to go on big fancy first dates with men I’ve met online, but not for monetary reasons). Often, I’ve paid for the whole thing.
I think women need to get over expectations that a man should always pay; it’s an old way of thinking. Still, it is always nice when a man insists on paying. But then I make sure I pay the next time or make him a dinner or prepare the picnic for the hike or whatever.
Ad although it’s nice to be wined and dined, I actually prefer it when a man is creative about how we spend our time together. And if it’s free or “budget,” why should that lessen the experience?
Kat Wilder´s last blog post…Time’s not on beauty’s side
I always pay, even she tries to pay. I won’t even let her take her money out of her purse. I just wouldnt ask a woman out to a place I couldn’t afford to be at.
Kevin´s last blog post…My first marathon: 2005 White Rock Marathon
I just added that that line about a coffee on the first date — because that has been run of the mill for me… and he can pay for my cup of Joe. Sure.(Thanks for that PT Mom!)
Kat and others: I wonder if it’s also a regional mindset? Do women in California or NYC insist on paying… but the rules are different in the midwest?
Kevin is correct – if the guy asks the girl out, he should pay. If he can’t afford it, they should have done something else. I don’t want to be thought of as a George Costanza type, but as Seinfeld said – I always appreciate the reach for the check.
no pre-date discussion necessary; that’s just akward and sends somewhat of a control freak message. I do always offer to pay half, and when that is refused if there is a second date or a post-meal event (like ice cream or something) then I don’t wait for the “whose going to pay” moment, my wallet is out and the treat is paid for before he even knows its time to hand over the money!
I used to try and pay my way, but these days I never offer to pay on dates. The men I like to date are gentlemen, and would be offended if I pulled out my purse. It makes them feel like a man to be able to pay, and I don’t feel bad about that at all. It’s not discussed, and if he brought it up, I’d consider that a very bad sign. For the first few dates I always let the man choose. It quickly shows what kind of man he is – cheapskate, creative, dull, or distinguished.
badmuthablogger´s last blog post…My first internet dating fiasco
Wanda: You’re right up my alley. When a man does pay — like I said, it’s not worth the battle if he insists — I make a mental note and pay the next time.
I’m amazed at the differences here, between all of us. We clearly have strong ideas about money, don’t we?
I want to pay for the first date. Lately, I have been getting women that want to split and dare I say pay in full. I never let them pay in full. If they insist on paying for some, I make a deal and have them pay for the tip and I’ll pay for the meal. That way, it’ll allow her to determine if the waiter (waitress) did a good job and make a decision and we can discuss it.
If it ever gets awkward then we split. But I’ve always had second and third dates after this.
I personally, don’t go to dinner on first dates anyway. I have tons of activities that I’d like do with women, like checking out the Commons (I’m from Boston), or going window shopping and playing silly role-play games. Or we’ll go into a store and try on ridiculous outfits for fun. I don’t know, I never think about the money.
For me, it’s about how fun the date is going to be. Dinner or movies aren’t really as fun.
Infinity´s last blog post…Huge Announcement [Video]
Yep, I will always offer to pay half and if he insists, I will pick up dessert somewhere else or pay for something else the next time. Although… it has been a LONG time since I went on a first date. *sigh*
I too love creative dates! I do enjoy a good meal but I completely understand about watching a budget! Use your imagination. The experience can still be wonderful… even if its free!
T´s last blog post…Pain revisited
I always pay. First date, second date, last date… Even if she offers, I won’t let her. Unless the date sucked! Haha, just kidding.
dadshouse´s last blog post…Flirt-a-Day Update
I usually pay on a 1st date. Even if she insists.. I won’t allow it.
Usually on first dates I won’t do dinner. I’d rather not set aside a hour or two. I reserve dinner dates for those that I truly enjoy their company.
I do find myself calculating everything we do to keep it under budget. On the first date I always pay since I asked out. I do like a woman that offers and if I want to see her again I’ll suggest she get next time. Perfect way to say I want to go out again. The ratio I’ve heard is 3:1 with paying for guys. If there is a talk about it then it’s at ground zero.
I agree with Judy and the others: he pays for the first date. If he balks at that, I take note.
If you don’t think I’m worth it, dude, don’t bother asking me out.
But I always insist on paying for at least half of our dates after around date 4 with a guy I like.
Before that, I’ve found that men usually want to show off with their wallets, and they can get insulted or start thinking you don’t like them if the women insists on paying.
You want my advice? Okay, here it is right twixt the eyes. Dating is for kids. Your not a kid. Stop dating (aren’t syllogisms fun?)! The good ones are all taken; only we schmucks are left over. By the way, I grew up quickly – I stopped dating in college and have never resumed that waste of time and effort; I’m now 55 yrs old. I think ‘arrangements’ are ludicrous, and combing the streets in search of a reliable companion is nuts. Retire!
Schvach´s last blog post…
This is a touchy subject, but I’ve finally learned not to date men who can’t afford to do the things I like to do.
My own income is high enough that I can comfortably pay for 4-5 relatively expensive events per month–whether dinners out at nice places, concerts, clubs, weekend trips or whatever.
Even when I’m not dating anyone special, I go out and do these things with friends or on my own. Of course I do lots of “cheap” things too.
I’ve found that if a man balks at paying for the 1st date (or the 2nd), or “forgets” his wallet at home during our first few dates, or schedules what is obviously a budget date sometime in our first few dates, it *always* means that he has a much lower income than me, or alternatively he is controlling about money.
Every single time.
And through much trial and error I’ve found that a man whose salary is much lower than mine is just not going to be comfortable dating me. The money/male sexuality link always seems to get in the way.
Also I get resentful if I can’t go out and doing the things that I normally like to do, just because he’ll feel bad if I pay all the time. I like to do cheaper things too, but I don’t want to change my whole lifestyle just because of a guy I’m dating.
Oh, and if a guy asked me out for the first time…for coffee (!), I’d turn him down. It’s insulting! It’s obvious that you aren’t that interested in me and/or you are a cheapskate.
I don’t like letting the guy pay for the whole first date – I think that’s old fashioned. Why would I let a total stranger for my good time out? I always at least attempt to pay for half. The last date (but not a first date) I was on, I paid for play tickets, and he took me to a really nice dinner before and then drinks afterward. I do live in the Northeast, so maybe it’s more of a norm for the woman to pay half here. I’m independent and don’t feel like I have to be “taken care of” by a guy. I’m out having a great time too, so I feel like why shouldn’t I pay my share?!
Sidenote: If a babysitter is involved though, I know I’ll be shelling out like $50 even before I step out the door – in that instance I’m more willing to let the man pay…!
First date? I don’t pay unless I asked the guy out…and I don’t remember any man ever allowing me to foot the bill.
But if someone asked me out — If the guy wants to see me again, he doesn’t want me to pay. If he doesn’t want to go out again, and I’m feeling that, I’m surely not spending my money…and if I think he’s a dud, no I don’t pay then either. After the first date, rules change, but I’m old fashioned with this, nor do I have the funds to finance a relationship. I always suggest great but cheap venues if a guy asks for suggestions, where dinner might cost $20. If he chooses and it’s more, it was his call.
I’ve only run into one date who just sat and waited when the check came. He waited, but never asked me to chip in, and picked up the check. I had driven to meet him, parked in the city, etc.
My suggestion? Say “Thank you, it was delicious” when the check comes. A gentleman will pay and not want it any other way.
Amy Nathana´s last blog post…Waiting
Call me old fashioned, but if he asks me out, he should pay. I don’t care if I make more than he does. If he isn’t willing to, that sends a clear signal of miserliness – something I will absolutely NOT abide in a relationship. I HATE stingy guys. Also if they are really into you they will want to pay, I think.
It’s not a gold-digger thing: it is about a man displaying a spirit of generosity. If it is an issue of money, then we can go somewhere cheap like a diner and I won’t order alcohol.
Eventually if he has proven himself worthy, I will reciprocate with an awesome home-cooked meal.
If a 3rd or 4th or later date is super long and involved (not that I have time for a long and involved date), I will offer to pay for something small: pick up a tip or pay for parking along the way.
Mama Dharma´s last blog post…One year of single parenthood…
I would always do “the reach” but, as others have said, taken note when the guy hesitated or wanted me to chip in. For me, I did the online dating thing in grad school, so it depended: if he was a grad student as well, then I would be more assertive about splitting because I could sympathize with his financial situation. If a guy with a great career wanted me to split (and I remember one of these guys vividly) then that is a HUGE warning sign.
In my current relationship, the BF still pays for almost everything. He has more debt than me, but he also makes a lot more, and I think because of his income he worries a lot less than I do. Possibly there’s some “I pay because I’m the man” going on in there, though I’m not sure.
Honey´s last blog post…In Sickness…
I recently dated a woman who makes a lot more money than I do, and I was amused to watch her avoid offering to pay for anything for quite a number of dates. We both knew what the other’s income range was, so it was not a case of uncertainty tipping the balance toward the man footing the bill. When we finally discussed it, she noted that her perspective is that the man should pay, no matter the ability to do so. I guess some of the themes noted from some of the women here about how it shows how much a man values them played through her mind. I, on the other hand, was a bit peeved that she didn’t even offer – if she had, I would have certainly accepted fairly regularly. It didn’t last long enough for it to balance out, though.
I’ve been seriously dating someone who lives 400 miles away for almost 4 months now. We try and schedule visits every 3 weeks. The flight costs about $100-$120. In that both of us are working young professionals (who are comfortable but by no means loaded, and in fact I make more), we came up with a system that when he comes here I pay for the entertainment (grocerys for dinner, movie/rental, museum) and when I go there vice-versa. Keep in mind, we attempt to have “normal” weekends not vacation-like adventures the whole time! This way the expense of our relationship is even and isn’t too much of a hurdle.
If he asked you out he pays, if you asked him out, he pays….So I guess my answer would be he pays. If you just friends, pay for yourself.
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home to Momma´s last blog post…My Favorite Toy