The man I hope to love

by singlemomseeking on November 10, 2008

The beautiful, spunky, bold blogger at The Quest for T put me up to this dare. Here’s what she emailed me recently:

“I’m making a list, starting today, of traits I have loved in men I’ve been with. I’m going to list the next perfect man I choose for me. It will be an empowering exercise…What about you? Are you in too? Make a list with me!”

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a sucker for dares.

First, thanks for reading our lists. Second, although I might print this list out and put it under my pillow, I’m not on a mission to check off these qualities in every man I meet. Check! Check!

Instead, in my own life, I’m striving to embrace all of these traits. As T puts it so well, “I am going to be this list. We only get what we give away…”

This is only the tip of the iceberg on my list…but here goes:

~~~

You help me carry my heavy baggage. I’ll help you carry yours.

You look me in the eyes, really look. Neither of us turns away. Well, except to blink.

You get my dry sense of humor… and actually laugh.

You hold my hand without letting go, even when we hit rough patches. You can hold both hands if you want.

You get along with your family – or try to.

You want to stretch alongside me, physically and emotionally.

You like to have sex (in the morning, afternoon, evening…?) You also love to kiss.

You are financially responsible.

You cheer me on. I have my pom-poms ready to cheer you on!

You like to cook, and feed me. (I make a mean lasagna!)

You make every effort to communicate, genuinely and respectfully.

You want to live a committed, open, and honest life.

~~~

Now, let’s open up the floor to you: men and women, yes YOU…

What are some of the top traits on YOUR list? Name just one if you can.

Read more single parent lists!

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{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

T November 11, 2008 at 4:59 am

Beautiful!! I’m glad you’re did this. Isn’t it fun and inspiring?!?!

I linked your list to mine.

Big hugs girl. He’s out there but we have to find those traits in here first. *points to heart*

Love ya!

T´s last blog post…Burning so bright

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T November 11, 2008 at 5:00 am

“you did this?” OMG… can you tell its friggin’ before 6 a.m. here?!?

T´s last blog post…Burning so bright

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Laura November 11, 2008 at 6:17 am

This is STUNNING!

I love the looking into your eyes one!!

I am SOO going to do this! TONIGHT!

Laura´s last blog post…vent Vent FRIGGIN VENT!

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liz November 11, 2008 at 6:58 am

Total honesty. About the good, the bad and the ugly.

Complete intimacy. Which, by my definition, is not established through sex. Sex is one of many ways to express complete intimacy.

The ability to make me laugh.

A look that gives me butterflies.

A touch that sends shivers up my spine.

The ability to communicate without words.

liz´s last blog post…To The Lurker Fan

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Katherine (SOLO dot MOM) November 11, 2008 at 7:13 am

He will be on the same page with me regarding our faith and our approach to life…. but is that too much to ask?

Oh well… we can dream, right?

Love this… May have to try creating one of these for my blog…
It’s inspiring.

Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post…Flags instead of Fiascos

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Attainingme November 11, 2008 at 7:52 am

So right about exhibiting the qualities you want in someone else!! I started mine a month ago and completely lost sight of it thereafter. Thank you for reminding me to revisit this exercise.

Attainingme´s last blog post…Parte 2. Los hombres latinos de “If you want me body and you think I am sexy” . . . Don’t tell me!

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Single Mom November 11, 2008 at 8:03 am

Great list…. I would add you think I am more beautiful when I first wake up, when I think I look my worse.

Single Mom´s last blog post…Over $500 mark

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debra November 11, 2008 at 8:06 am

I love this exercise. For me, completing it did two things; 1)really thinking about what is important to me, moving forward and 2) spending a minute being thankful for the moments that I have experienced in my life, that make me look forward to having them again someday.

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PT-LawMom November 11, 2008 at 8:09 am

Ditto Katherine’s. Add honesty and heartfelt compassion for me and for others.

PT-LawMom´s last blog post…Parched

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singlemomseeking November 11, 2008 at 8:30 am

I encourage all of you to make lists of your own! (You did it already Debra!)

PT Law Mom, Laura, Katherine, others: If you make your own lists, please send me the link to your blog entries. I’ll link to you super women!

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LeAnna in MN November 11, 2008 at 8:30 am

You’re passionate about something I can relate to. I don’t have to share the passion for that topic (I have plenty of my own!) but you have to really care about it, and I have to see it as something important.

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Legal Editor Mom November 11, 2008 at 8:59 am

I have a complete list, but it’s in my head since it’s all so clear and obvious to me after my ex and the past few potential mates who just were not HIM!

If I had to list just one trait, as you asked, it would have to be ATTENTIVE. I really don’t ask for much, but I do like to feel like I’m the main course in my man’s life, not an appetizer or a side dish. Life can be so hectic and we’re all busy. Lord knows my plate is full. But my mate will never have to question his importance in my life. Simply put, we make time for what’s important.

And along with attentive goes good listening skills, concern, compassion, selflessness,and honesty. Oh and he must adore my kid!

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Mommy to the Monsters November 11, 2008 at 9:10 am

Wow, I had a list..but I had to throw it away because that man does not exist..lol

I love the heavy baggage statement…

I also love the statement from T: “I am going to be this list. We only get what we give away…”

I think I will make a list of what I want to be instead of what I want him to be….I might do that for what I want to be as a parent as well…

Mommy to the Monsters´s last blog post…TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER

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Ruth November 11, 2008 at 9:27 am

I love this blog…I think I’ll just steal your list Rachel, and tack on Legal Editor Mom’s additions LOL :)

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judy November 11, 2008 at 10:53 am

Be careful what you wish for … yo might just get it:

You help me carry my heavy baggage. I’ll help you carry yours.
I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND TIRED OF CAREGIVING TO YOU

You look me in the eyes, really look. Neither of us turns away. Well, except to blink.
DON”T STARE AT ME THAT WAY. IT REMINDS ME OF..MY MOTHER/FATHER/PRINMCIPAL

You get my dry sense of humor… and actually laugh.
OK I’LL GIVE YOU THIS ONE RACHEL

You hold my hand without letting go, even when we hit rough patches. You can hold both hands if you want.
I LIKE SOME SPACE.

You get along with your family – or try to.
YOUR FAMILY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. STOP CATERING TO THEM

You want to stretch alongside me, physically and emotionally.
DON”T PUSH ME.

You like to have sex (in the morning, afternoon, evening…?) You also love to kiss.
HOW ABOUT QUALITY???

You are financially responsible.
AND SO AM I ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF

You cheer me on. I have my pom-poms ready to cheer you on!
GROW-UP. I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DON[‘T WANT TO CAREGIVE.

You like to cook, and feed me. (I make a mean lasagna!)
I’M FAT AND NOT EATING BUT DON;T ACCUSE ME OF HAVING FOOD ISSUES

You make every effort to communicate, genuinely and respectfully.
YOU NEVER SAID THAT!

You want to live a committed, open, and honest life.
OK, I’LL GIVE THISONE TO YOU AS WELL.

THE TRAITS THAT ATTRACT US TO THEM ARE THE SAME TRAITS THAT WE LEAVE THEM.

~~~

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mc November 11, 2008 at 11:18 am

I like your approach! So positive!

Because I recently sat down and made myself a BF list and it was all pretty much red flags: “must have a job, hygeine, and minimal social skills, must not have a criminal record, addiction, current wife, apartment full of toxic waste, or major psychoses.”

…and I’m having trouble finding a guy who passes these minimum criteria!

Is it really within the realm of possibility to expect to find someone who besides being employed etc is also supremely supportive?

If not, I’d like to add, “and (oh please!) make him hot, too!”

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Heidi November 11, 2008 at 11:24 am

I married (and divorced) my list. I think it’s time to come up with a new one…My 22-year-old self had a very different idea of what important qualities in a man are.

Heidi´s last blog post…What to do with the marital bling once the marriage has ended.

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singlemomseeking November 11, 2008 at 11:37 am

Liz: Thanks so much for pointing out that intimacy is NOT defined “through sex. Sex is one of many ways to express complete intimacy.”

In my last long-term relationship, he wasn’t very interested in sex. I realize that I can be very intense — and I think intimacy terrified him. You clarified that I deserve to ask for more than just sex…. I deserve true intimacy. Thanks.

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singlemomseeking November 11, 2008 at 11:39 am

Heidi: I also looked at the list I’d made five years ago. So interesting! That’s a great idea to go back and see how you’ve changed.

MC: You crack me up.

Yes, as I wrote this list, I was assuming that the minimum requirements would be met: “a job, hygiene, social skills, no criminal record, no addictions, no current wife… no major psychoses.”

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mommypie November 11, 2008 at 1:09 pm

LOVE this. I do this a lot in my head — thinking, “if I could just take THIS from that one, and THAT from another … I’d have the perfect man!”

If I have to pick one “trait” off the top of my head … it would have to be someone I could LEARN from. And vice versa. Someone who could teach me something, anything … and to feel like they’re also growing because of me.

Wow. Did that make sense at all???

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Brooke November 11, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Someone who’s parenting values are the same as mine (or at least close.) Nothing will make me kick a man to the curb faster than someone who doesn’t treat my son with the same respect that he treats me with.

Brooke´s last blog post…The San Francisco Treat

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GregPeckFan November 11, 2008 at 2:40 pm

1. Smart. Scary smart. Intellectuals turn me on. Bonus points for political junkie-ism.
2. Funny – must be very funny. Snarky, too.
3. Likes sex – a lot, and with me.
4. Financially stable, and preferably a home owner.
5. Wants kids and has solid parenting skills, or a similar parenting philosophy.
6. Open, honest, communicative.

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dadshouse November 11, 2008 at 2:58 pm

I love that you and T are applying your lists to yourselves. That’s great for self growth. If instead you try to find a guy who meets every checkbox item in your list, you’ll drive yourself batty!

I’m just looking for a hottie, and only I know what that means to me! :-)
(It’s more than looks)

dadshouse´s last blog post…How to Ask a Teacher Out

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avigail74 November 11, 2008 at 3:09 pm

You REALLY do have to be careful of what you ask for—I learned the “interesting” way. I had envisioned a man who would be a principal at a school–who had leadership qualities–who was financially stable—handsome— so adverturous-

I got all that–and plus more:

He was 20 years older, and was finished raising children (didn’t want the committment of raising mine) and didn’t have the best taste in clothes. So, be very specific when asking for someone.

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jeanie November 11, 2008 at 4:33 pm

lol – it is true what the above commenter said – although I read a great story once about a woman who did this – did her top things list – met a man through work who was shorter than her. “Oh no” she thought, “I can’t do shorter” and went to the list where there was nothing about height on it.

It was a happily ever after story because he ticked all the important things for her.

jeanie´s last blog post…Tuesday To Do List

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SDMktg November 11, 2008 at 4:47 pm

I have something of a list going myself. I just try not to screen people out too early for stuff that isn’t a “dealbreaker”.

I always laugh at comments about wanting someone with “no baggage”. At 38 years old I find people with no baggage whatsoever have been fairly sheltered and fall apart at any bump in the road. I also never think of my beautiful kids as baggage. I like Rachel’s comment about helping each other with theirs. Everyone struggles at one point or another and fair weather friends are a dime a dozen.

SDMktg´s last blog post…SEMA Show 2008 – Cars, Trucks, Models, and Freedom Grill

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Amy November 11, 2008 at 6:16 pm

Man – you guys are so optimistic. I just feel like a wet rag. I married the man who fit most of my list – yikes! That turned out not so well. So – even though I am not a churchgoer and subscribe to no particular faith – I decided that I am letting god pick the next one. I screwed up the first time.

Amy´s last blog post…Journal 110: October 2008 And Lastly, "Lastdays"

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littlemansmom November 11, 2008 at 6:20 pm

This is too funny…I happened to make a list on my blog today about why my ‘new guy’ makes me happy….must be in the air….

littlemansmom´s last blog post…The List

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Jim Everson (Depot Dad) November 11, 2008 at 6:47 pm

That’s a nice list, SMS. I’ll take the female version of it, but substitute lamb chops for lasagna.

I might add just one more item: Likes to read out loud or being read to out loud. Hmm, maybe at this point I shouldn’t be so picky and just settle for: can read.

Jim Everson (Depot Dad)´s last blog post…Depot Bell #2: Star Talks

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Phil November 11, 2008 at 7:44 pm

I’m seconding DH… it’s a great exercise to do, but then throw the list out. You’ll never find that guy! You’ll find someone much different than you expect and it will be even better.

Also take notice of how much of the list is merely describing yourself.

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