I really do appreciate all the advice…you’ve given me a lot to think about.

For the dad’s who’ve responded, I have the utmost respect for those of you who are doing the best you can with what you have. I do think you’re very different from my ex but I’m still hoping that he’ll step up and do the right thing with the kids. We had our mediation and came to an agreement and I’m trying very hard to make a fresh start and put the past few months behind us. I’m being cautiously optimistic. I’m going to give him a chance to do the right thing…or give him enough rope to hang himself.

In my defense, this new relationship kind of took me by surprise. I went to high school with the guy but we weren’t really friends back then…then a few years ago he started working with my husband so we met again and we were all friends. He knew even then that Ex was not treating me right but he stayed on the sidelines as a friend of the family. After Ex and I split up, he called me to tell me that he cared about me and respected me and would be there for anything I needed. At first when he called, I wouldn’t even talk to him but he persisted and finally won my trust. For the past several months, he’s insisted that the only thing he wants is friendship…if anything else is meant to be then it will come in time but you have to be friends first. That’s why I finally agreed to let him spend some time with me and the kids. There really wasn’t any way for us to spend time together without the kids because I always have them and as long as we were “just friends” there was no problem with him seeing them now and then. I really didn’t anticipate things taking this turn this soon.

What I actually asked Rachel about was what the boundaries should be. I told her that I feel like he’s crossed into some dangerous territory lately, but I’m not sure where the line should be. I mean, it’s awesome for him to come over after work and help me get dinner, baths, stories, etc. and get the kids to bed. It’s even more awesome to have that kind of evening and then have grownup time afterwards. But I do feel like that’s crossing the line between friendship and daddyhood. And it is confusing to the kids. They’re so young, but they know that Daddy never gave them a bath and read them stories and then tucked them in.

For me, it’s the first time in my life that I’ve had someone who will walk in and say “oh, the trash is full, let me take that out for you!” with no judgement about the condition of my apartment or expectation of anything in return…just a genuine desire to help. That’s great. But he just fits too perfectly into our crazy little world and I think we’re all a little confused by that. I’m happy that the boys finally have a strong male role model who cares about them and respects me, but I don’t want him to replace their daddy and I don’t want them to feel like they have to choose.

My marriage was horrible and abusive and codependent. I was not allowed to have friends or any kind of a life outside of Ex. So now I’m not sure what a healthy relationship looks like. I totally agree that for my own sanity, this relationship needs to slow down and perhaps even take a step backwards or two, but what I can’t figure out is what is ok and good and healthy for the boys and what is too much. I mean, do I make a “rule” that he can come over on the weekends and take us out or visit here but he can’t take part in the bedtime routine and he can’t come over during the week? Or we can do playdates with him and his nephew but he can’t visit with the boys without his nephew? Or he can date me but never be around the kids at all? I feel like we’ve gone too far right now but I’m not sure where the line in the sand should be.

We talked about it a good bit tonight and he understands that the boys are confused. He agreed that he wants to back off a little and see what Ex is going to do and try to let the boys clear up their relationship with him a bit. He’s always been happy to respect whatever I want, it’s just putting what I want into words for him that I struggle with.

Thank you again for all the advice and encouragement…please keep it coming. Rachel, you and all your readers are amazing!

Wondermom´s last blog post…We did it!

And a “kind of involved” dad is still the dad. Yes it sucks – and yes it is wrong for a father to half ass parent. But I don’t think making a “choice” is ever appropriate. If the dad is not being a good dad – the boys will see it soon enough – but they need to come to that in their own time.If the new guy is a good guy – he’ll understand that. And he can still be close to the boys. In the end he could even end up being closer than the dad if the dad doesn’t pull it together and start acting like one even though there is a divorce in place. But this is something that we as adults have to be careful to not encourage. Kids can be pleasers and they are always watching – and if they see mom “in love” with the new guy – they may think they need to be too.

I think that the “family” (WM, her ex and the boys) through the process of the divorce should be working on what the “new family” is going to look like. That can’t done clearly with another man in the mix who even though his intentions are good is going to influence the situation. I’m not saying they’ll get back together – but they need to redefine themselves post divorce. I think that takes alittle bit of time. When that is done – this guy may be an answered prayer.

But even toying with the idea of “bad real dad” vs “good stepdad(or potential)” is a very dangerous thing to do. Boyfriend – wanna-be-stepdad could turn out to not be prince charming. Likewise, biological dad might finally “get it” and step it up.

I don’t think any of that made sense. Sorry. This hit a nerve because my ex’s girlfriend has no respect for my position as Sadie’s mother. Ironically – my ex husband is a horrible addict who only sees our daughter once a month at the most – yet – I respect the fact that he is Sadie’s dad and will maintain that respect even if I ended up with a new partner – even one who seems to love Sadie more than her dad.

Anyway – I agree with whoever said that WM sounds like she knows what she needs to do.

I get that this guy’s the “real dad”, but just going thru the motions as a father doesn’t cut it. If I had the choice of an emotionally present father figure or the biological father who “puts in his time”, the choice is pretty clear.

Wonder Mom’s ex sounds like a self involved jerk-a movie, a nap, and then back-to-mom? Quality time, much?

Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post…Embracing CHANGE

While I like men and dating and romance and the sex and all, and I’m most happy dating one guy exclusive and long-term, I simply cannot imagine ever getting married or living with someone again, at least not for 10 yrs or so when my kids are gone at college.

I still have actual nightmares about being trapped again back in my awful marriage, that feeling of helplessness, unable to stop him from destroying my life and my children’s life. I feel very strongly that I have to preserve my current stable home life with my children as something totally safe and solid, something that no one could ever have the ability to destroy ever again.

Plus I fail to see much advantage to having a live-in BF or husband. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to snuggle and share with, but cooking and cleaning for yet another person just makes me tired to think about it.

But what is it with men these days? I thought men in general were supposed to be commitment-adverse? That has not been my experience at all!

Every single man I’ve dated since my divorce has pushed for “being exclusive” around only the 4th date, then he wants to see me on every single kid-less night I have (although I try to be vague about my schedule because I need some time to myself!), and then he wants to meet my kids much sooner than I’m comfortable with (usually also around the 4th date (!) when I think 4-6 months is more appropriate).

He tries to show me his potential as super Dad (even though I discourage that behavior because my kids already have a Dad, and because he’s supposed to be dating me, not my kids, you know?), and he usually ends up driving me nuts by trying to install us as a fused at the hip couple way, way too soon.

I do think that many decent divorced men are just desperately lonely. They’re not players, and they really do want a wife and family life. The men I’ve dated are a little shy and kind of workaholics and so they never had much social life apart from their ex-wife, so after the divorce they’re at a loss. Then they start dating a reasonably nice woman and decide she’s going to save them and they lose all sense of proportion! They start building castles in the sky too soon, put too much pressure on the relationship for being responsible for their future happiness.

So, tell him to back off and slow it way down. You are not wrong to not be ready–listen to your gut.