In my opinion…
Intimacy without sex is that deep lasting friendship where all of your barriers are pulled down for that person. Anything goes, anything can be said. You TRUST that person with EVERYTHING. If you define relationship as an interaction with another person, then it is a type of relationship, and normally one you keep for life if you think about it. It doesn’t have to be with someone of the opposite sex either. It is probable that we only have a few of these people in our lives. That level of TRUST to be so open is hard to attain, must be earned, and must be reciprocated. Women are more open about their BFF or BFL etc. Men just say best friend and forgo the “male bonding” “Relationship” “intimacy” terms. Another term that has come up is “bromance”.

Sex without that deeper intimacy and without emotion is fairly common. Sometimes it is good, sometimes not. It can be healing or not. Some people are addicted to sex, that physical closeness and physical intimacy, but are incapable of opening up any other part of themselves either due to fear or out of a perceived self-preservation. Maybe this is all some people want and are happy to be available to anyone that happens by.

For me, the best sex ever is where at least some level of that deeper intimacy is involved. Not just your bodies are laid bare and vulnerable, but there is no fear on any other level either. Nothing is closed off. You see, move, grind, respond, writhe, sweat, touch, taste, smell, tease, and hear this other person and you look into their eyes and you KNOW them. You know things about their childhood they have only told you. You know their fears, their hopes, their dreams, you know where they fail, you know when they are the strongest and they know all the same about you, and yet you cannot wait to share more. This is a person that you are closer and more open with than anyone else anywhere anytime. You TRUST them with everything and it is reciprocated. You want to be with them, and they with you…and of course you want to rip each others clothes off. It is that deeper emotional and knowledge intimacy that creates the desire to share and be close to that other person which sustains the relationship over time.

What makes it so difficult to open up in these ways is that it can be debilitating and devastating if that trust and intimacy is ever violated.

I don’t believe that sex without emotion is a gender attribute as Dad’s house infers. I’ve met women that were all physical and no emotion. Some have even commented that I wasn’t capable of separating emotion from sex. My response is why would I want to? Of course it wouldn’t be any where near the first time that I had it all wrong.

I think that sex is intimate, by its very nature, but it is not always the result of intimacy - nor is increased intimacy always its result.

Intimacy is bearing your soul in addition to your body. And the first is often much more difficult than the second.

Amy Nathan´s last blog post…No salt needed

I have been here, in fact, it’s a place in my life I am currently travelling through. I have done the no strings thing, and I have to say I have had a bucket load of fun! However, there are times when I walk away from an ‘encounter’ - recreational sex if you will - and I feel lonely. Lonelier than I did before I had sex.
One guy I originally met in this way has made the transition to being my friend, we no longer have sex, but we are intimate. He knows everything about me, all my guilty secrets. I feel safe with him and I know he accepts me for who i am. It’s a shame we would be a disaster as a couple, but I’m still dating and I’m hopeful.

I know this feeling well. I struggle with it. I don’t yet have an answer. I’ll keep you posted.

(I hope this doesn’t post twice)

Intimacy is an investment on the parts of both those involved. I suggest that there are relationships (and marriages) that are more about the every day living than they are about the investment and the intimacy that is desired. People get caught up in their own lives and, without the effort and the desire, they stop talking, stop growing, stop sharing their thoughts and lives with one another.

I read once that the most intimate thing two adults can do is… sleep together.

I think we can have sex without intimacy just as we can have intimacy without sex… it is all about what we give to ourselves and the other person.

Intimacy evolves with honesty, respect, and acceptance. I would ask if there can be intimacy without some sort of love?

The Exception´s last blog post…Witchy Woman

I also struggle with these ideas. but i think that intimacy without sex is called a really good friendship. sex is part of the relationship that puts all the pieces together. So, do you think that people really find that?? Are there blogs about people who have the “happily ever after”?? i only seem to find blogs about the single seeking, maybe I only relate to that because that is what i am doing but it would be great to hear some success stories too.

I think you can be intimate without having sex. To be able to talk with someone and feel you can tell them anything and be yourself. Knowing they get you and know exactly what to say to either make you feel better, give advice or support you. No sex involved. Even just making eye contact sends a message between the two of you with no words being spoken. There is nothing like it.

I don’t think you can have a healthy relationship without intimacy (or intimacy and sex) and I don’t know why you’d want to.

Heidi´s last blog post…The Guys Next Door

I’m wondering the exact opposite right now. Learning what it’s like to play the stereotypically woman’s role of wanting more emotionally than I’m getting, but being enough of a guy that I can’t cut off the physical part because I can’t get the relationship. Ugh!

Cyrus´s last blog post…Parenthood Magazine: Co-parenting

Wow, CCD, I really appreciate hearing your thoughts on this one.

You’re right: it’s a unique moment when two people meet without fear.

This really resonates with me: “You know things about their childhood they have only told you.

You know their fears, their hopes, their dreams, you know where they fail, you know when they are the strongest and they know all the same about you, and yet you cannot wait to share more….You TRUST them with everything and it is reciprocated.”

Thanks for that.

Steph: I hear you about eye contact. Incredibly powerful. And I think it’s very rare for two people to really look into each other’s souls these days.

Butterfly Mom: Yes, there are many blogs out there about single moms who got remarried, and continue writing their life chapters.

A couple of my favorite single mom bloggers who tied the knot again:

http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com

http://wouldashoulda.com/

I’ve had dozen’s of intimate relationships with women over the last 25 years that had nothing to do with sex. I have a pretty strong feminine side so I’ve always gravitated towards female friendship.

Vinnie Sorce´s last blog post…The Roller Coaster and the Merry-go-round

To me, intimacy is all about being as close as possible to your absolute true self with another person. I don’t think that HAS to involve sex, but I think it often does.
I also agree with Steph - eye contact is key. Prolonged direct eye contact can say so much. Try it sometime. It’s not easy. Even with someone you love, most people start to squirm and feel uncomfortable. They don’t call them the windows to the soul for nothing.
More than people realize, I think that intimacy is what they seek. Like it says in the post - sex isn’t hard to find. But to find someone who puts you completely at ease … someone who not only makes you feel like you can say anything but somehow pulls things out of you that you never intended to say in the first place - that may indicate the start of an intimate relationship. Guards down. Scary, but so worth the effort if you can take those steps.
Best to all in their search.

Jamie Lee´s last blog post…Early introduction of peanuts prevents allergy

I was going to type out this long post and Crazy Computer Dad already beat me to it!! Well said!!

It is true. I have a few male friends that know me that intimately. I can be completely me and if I’m hiding me, they see right through it. They know me through and through. And maybe its because we were lovers once… It was amazing and beautiful but for other reasons, we don’t work out. Now, we’re just friends. The intimacy is still there minus the sex.

I also think a lot of it has to do with your comfort with sex… do you feel ashamed of being completely open with your sexuality? Are you afraid of being rejected? How hurt are you? If you are hurting and afraid, I would imagine you would put up a wall that perhaps you wouldn’t even be aware of. “This is just for fun.” you tell yourself… “Because I need sex.” But I am not going to allow myself to completely open up because I could get hurt. Again.

The ex, especially towards the end of our marriage, couldn’t look me in the eyes when we would have sex. He was cheating… ashamed and hiding who he was from me. I needed that so badly. Look into my soul when you make love to me. Soldier did that to me.

Ok, I need sex too. I’ve done the “just for fun” and it felt a little empty. I do require the trust and connection with who I’m with. As I stated on my blog, something about the penetration seems to affect my heart. I feel as if the person I’m with has become a part of me. Now I can fool around and do other types of sexual things with no problem but when it comes to actual intercourse, I don’t know…. its sacred to me. Call me naive. As I said before, perhaps I could disconnect the heart and my vagina with more practice? But why would I want to do that, really?

T´s last blog post…Living in the after

Intimacy for me is the non physical part of relationships. It’s the things that defines who I am..and why my thought process is the way it is. It’s also about emotional trust. Most of those things are a different for me from physical intimacy.

Eathan´s last blog post…No Morning Sex?

We-ell - I have been to both and my vote is for the sex with intimacy - have your cake and eat it.

Sex without intimacy - honestly, learn to masturbate and you save yourself a LOT of heartache and self-esteem buffetings.

Intimacy without sex - never had a successful bout, there was always one member wanting more and accepting less.

A relationship where either sex or intimacy didn’t come up to my needs - a hard place to be, because you don’t want to hurt, don’t want to be hurt but DOGGARNIT know that you deserve what you want.

A relationship where sex and intimacy exist? True, hen’s teeth - but honesty and enough time spent on yourself to KNOW WHAT YOU DESERVE, know WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU WANT TO BE and WHAT YOU ARE WORTH beforehand means you can believe.

jeanie´s last blog post…When you next hear me say

I don’t think a lot of men/women experience true intimacy - because at its highest level - I think it requires a vulnerability that is very hard to get to.

There were those times - immediately following sex when we would both look at each other teary-eyed. In those moments of overwhelming emotion (not just satisfaction) I thought I knew what was really meant by the whole “two becoming one” thing.

I do think the only way to ever be truly intimate with someone else - is when you are first intimate with yourself - meaning that you know your own nature and your own private matters of the heart very deeply and hoenstly. I don’t know for sure - but I bet if you do that - and then you meet someone who has done the same - that true intimacy and unimaginable love is possible in that place.

Amy´s last blog post…Journal 110: October 2008 And Lastly, "Lastdays"

Intimacy without sex? Don’t know.
Marriage without intimacy? Check.

This is a great topic, as the subject has caused me no shortage of grief. In fact, disagreeing about the definition and nature of intimacy was probably the single greatest contributor to my marriage’s decline.

For me, it is all about the removal of boundaries and making a dedicated effort to hide NOTHING. I made every effort in these areas, but it still got me nowhere. Why?

Two reasons: One, her definition of intimacy did not respect these efforts or require them. Two, I never did understand her definition of intimacy. Consequently, when she complained that our relationship lacked it, I didn’t know where to look to improve the situation.

So the bottom line for me is this, intimacy can mean just sexual contact, or sharing emotions, or deep soulful connections, it doesn’t really matter as long as both people are on the same page about it at the beginning.

Because when two people aren’t on the same page about intimacy and their expectations about it, then look out, because you’ll soon hear the sound of breaking dishes.

Sex is an animal instinct and has nothing to do with intimacy.

Intimacy embraces that which cannot be seen and oft not able to be expressed.

When my DD was born the way I expressed it was “she filled a hole in me I didn;t even know I had.’

That is what I now believe about intimacy. It is unexpressionable.

I think intimacy is an important part of human emotion. Sex is an expression of intimacy. I would say it is wrong to interchangable Sex and Intimacy. One is emotion and the Other is expression of that emotion. The question is not about can you have intimacy with out Sex, it is about at what point in the relationship would you like to express this emotion through sex.

I think this topic goes hand in hand with your recent one regarding vulnerability. I think that yes, you can have a sex without intimacy, but you can’t have a relationship without it. The idea that you know things about someones past that no one else does comes from those vulnerable moments and its the reciprocity that comes with sharing that creates intimacy which does result in mind blowing sex!

I don’t know about everyone, but have you had sex with your partner after a somewhat emotional/trying (not fight) episode and found that it is extremely fulfilling? I believe it speaks to the need some of us have to be taken care of and the want of our partners to run with it and this guttural concept being communicated without words. To me that is intimacy.

Sometimes, I’m blown away by how thoughtful — and poetic — all of you are.

Wow, to wake up and read your comments over coffee… I savor them.

Wanda, it’s so true: “The idea that you know things about someones past that no one else does…”

Judy, I love what you wrote about your kid: “She filled a hole in me I didn’t even know I had.”

Jim, disappointment can bring up so many raw feelings, I know it: “When two people aren’t on the same page about intimacy… then look out, because you’ll soon hear the sound of breaking dishes.”

Thanks!

I posted a long winded comment yesterday that never showed up.. *sigh*

I like what everyone else is saying. Not sure I can add much more.

See, I can’t even think as clearly as yesterday. I’m just wasting valuable comment space here. Sheesh!

Just thought I’d send you some love anyway Rachel!!!
T´s last blog post…In their eyes

An excellent question, and very complicated for several reasons.

1) There’s different kinds of intimacy. Everyone thinks of sex, but I think the harder and more basic intimacy is letting someone know what really makes you tick.

But I think what you share to create intimacy should be about things that you like–not your insecurities. Stuff like my tendency to wake up really early, my uncool obsession with cleaning my house, and my pathological disinterest in group social activities and pro sports.

2) I don’t think you should (or can!) share everything with a lover. Like it or not, we are born alone, we live in our heads alone, and we die alone. Revealing your tendency to social anxiety or procrastination won’t make it go away. It’s not their problem anyway–you still have to deal with my issues yourself, somehow.

(Obvs, I’m not talking about something that you really do need help with–drug addiction, bankruptcy, serious illness, job loss. But it’s hard for someone who loves you to hear you say all the time, “I hate my body!” and “I’m such a social dork!”, etc. What can they do about it? It’s just a downer. And it’s negative “self-talk” for yourself.)

3) Another reason to avoid negative sharing as a path to intimacy is that depending on the guy, it can be a huge mistake. Some of my ex lovers asked questions about my deepest fears while we were dating, and I told them. These men implied that we must “share everything” if we were truly intimate, and they shared stuff from their own lives as an inducement for me to open up too. And I wanted to–I wanted to be “known completely” by them and, of course, accepted.

But once they knew everything they turned around and used their knowledge of my deepest fears (and my deepest shames in my past) to manipulate me and try to control me emotionally. Apparently, this is a very common strategy.

If they don’t get their way, they strike out at you using the exact ammunition that you’ve given them.

They start telling you you’re fat, or lazy, or that you’re wrong for hating your family etc etc.–things that you confessed earlier to them that you don’t like about yourself.

My (new) rule of thumb? If a man starts asking about your deepest fears, the worst thing you ever did, if you ever cheated on someone, got mad at your kids, or broke the law, etc, alarm bells should go off. If you think about it, why would anyone who really cared about you “have” to know this? Share it with your shrink if you must, but not your lover.

oh how I needed this topic today Rachel, thank you so much. everyone’s comments really hit home for me. I think you can have intimacy in a relationship and not have sex, but not the other way around if you want it to last. This time around I want intimacy before sex and I’m holding out for that.

Amy hit it on the head. As I wrote in my initial post on this subject, vulnerability is key to intimacy. But when two spirits come together as one (think tantric sex), it’s amazing.

dadshouse´s last blog post…Physical Intimacy

These are all great comments and I agree with Ruth. There are many levels of intimacy which may or may not include sex, and you definitely can have sex but no intimacy. Been there done that. My last relationship, actually. And that’s why it’s over! (How do you ask someone to leave when it’s over, or get asked not to leave when it’s over, when all you want to do is get out of there?)LOL. Anyone can have sex,but the intimacy is the REAL connection in a meaningful relationship.

Thanks for the shoutout, SMS! I agree with what many of the others have posted here…as far as sex and intimacy, I think there are different types of intimacy. The BF and I don’t have sex every night, but that’s not to say we aren’t intimate every night. We have great conversations on other nights, and that’s intimacy, too.

Honey´s last blog post…Help! My BF Won’t Use a Condom!

Hell if I know. Intimacy between a man and a woman without sex? It requires quite a bit of trust if there are significant others involved on either side of the equation. Can you give a non-romantic/non-sexual partner intimacy? And if you have a significant other, are you short-changing your own relationship with that person if you give yourself, emotionally, to another?

I think women have very intimate relationships. I don’t know what men do among themselves. I think it’s a difficult path to intimacy with a non-romantic partner of the sex you’re attracted to.

I think I need to sleep, tonight. Am I making any sense?

Short answer: I save my true intimacy for my closest girlfriends and my romantic potential life partner. No one else gets so much of me. It’s precious. I don’t want to lessen the whole of what I am by sharing it about.

Solomother´s last blog post…Still life with five year old, the sex version

Close to 30 y/o virgin speaking here: You can most definitely have intimacy without sex.

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In my experience, having sex is easy… being able to develop true trust with someone is not, and therein is where real intimacy lies.

My intimate friendships are far more powerful and long-lasting than my sexual ones.

Although obviously, of course, you want to someday find one that has both — but it makes more sense to me that it will be found only AFTER finding the right intimate partner, not after finding the right sexual partner.

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