{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

GG October 28, 2008 at 3:35 pm

I think yes. But I worry about losing myself, making the same mistake twice and, most importantly, hurting my son. So if I do, I hope it will be with a lot of thought first.

GG´s last blog post…Head, Meet Wall


Abra October 28, 2008 at 3:23 pm

Right now I’m stuck where I am.

Down the road, would I put up with all the crap again?

I don’t know.

Great questions, and I can understand more than one side.

I think, I would definitely hold off, but if you do that, then you become accustomed to life the way you want it.

On the other hand if you jump in too soon, you could be in the same boat you just got yourself out of.

Thanks for letting me read.


singlemomseeking October 28, 2008 at 1:35 pm

Beautifully honest Greg Peck Fan.

And you struck a chord with me:
“People are annoying in cramped, small spaces with all their messy personalities.”

But still, as you point out, a whole relationship — with all its love — can transcend this.


GregPeckFan October 28, 2008 at 1:04 pm

This is a good topic. I have abandonment fear too. My story involves a sudden, intense end of my marriage – with my husband picking up an addiction after years sober, and leaving us overnight. He left a note, “I no longer desire a family.” My son was an infant still, and my daughter 5. I had been with him since college, and he left when I was 37.

When Mark and I started dating a year ago – – I felt almost chemically altered in my dealings with him. I knew at times my perception was not reliable. I could barely stop myself from acting on it because I was so fearful. He would say something, or promise something (especially intense for me if he promised something to the children) and it viscerally pained my instincts to accept his word at face value and let go of the issue. I recognized some post traumatic stress in myself. I was seeing shadows, but they sure seemed real!

Little by little, I forced myself, one hour at a time, one day at a time, to emotionally extend myself (and for women like us – – we’re extending our kids out there too, aren’t we?). Take the next step, I thought, and more will be revealed to you. I don’t have to know everything today. I can’t predict what miracle might happen tomorrow. I forced myself to swallow my fear, and practice “openness”, and “trust” as behaviors I might once again ‘live myself’ into feeling.

I am professional and college educated, and a home owner. I support us. I am strong and self sufficient. But… I accept today that I *do* want to be married again. I do not want the remainder of my precious time on this planet ruled by the fact that I was abandoned with small children. Yes, it was a trauma. Yes, it was horrible. But my husband could have stepped in front of a bus to his death, instead of deserting us. Would I refuse to remarry if that happened? Would I tell my daughter “Don’t get married or you might suffer a loss!” or my son? No. I wish for my children the full spectrum of the human experience – and that hopefully includes commitment, and tight bonds, and amazing falling-in-love experiences, true companionship, and also probably trauma, and treachery at times, and horrible grief and terrible loss. This is what it means to be human.

I love that feeling of having someone IN IT with me, day in and day out. Down to my bones, I want someone there with me at night, and again when I wake up. I crave that daily companionship. Sure, there is a downside to living with anyone – negotiations on schedule, chores, finances, house work, kids. People are annoying in cramped, small spaces with all their messy personalities.

I want all of that again. I am giving myself permission to NOT make rules for myself.

And yes, I think it gets harder as your kids get older.


Rhiannon October 28, 2008 at 11:56 am

Not even a little. Never been married, not likely to ever be married. 1. I’m an atheist – so religious stuff doesn’t matter to me and 2. The whole history of marriage just leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. 3. My ability to trust has been so damaged beyond repair that for me to even consider entangling myself with someone else legally would require such an enormous leap of faith, I’d have to be insane.


Sonya October 28, 2008 at 11:54 am

LOL I feel the same way as Julie! Loved being a wife, didn’t so much love the girlfriends. Next time I think I will find someone with the same values as me. Maybe date them for longer than 6 months. Ex was born in Atlantic City, raised in Vegas. Maybe that should have been my red flag that his moral compass was a bit off??

So yeah, I’ll definitely marry again. I’ll date for a long time, make sure he’s the right person, and choose a bit more carefully, but I want that, and I know someday I’ll find it. =)


Penny October 28, 2008 at 11:45 am

The ONLY way I would consider getting married again is if I was in a committed relationship with the “PERFECT” man (who doesn’t exist) and it was important to him that we get married. I’m perfectly happy having a committed relationship without marriage.

I’d be ok with living together until we turn 99, but getting married? What’s the point.

I’d love to have a long-term relationship some day – but even that? Is in the future some-day like ten years from now. I just don’t have the time or ability to devote to building a good relationship right now.

Penny´s last blog post…I know – more giveaways


Abandoned Broken Man October 28, 2008 at 11:32 am

I was so unfortunate to be abandoned. My heart has been broken eternaly. i will die broken-hearted, there is no climbing out of the deep hole full of fear- No matter how hard I try to overcome,
the sadness in my soul never goes away. I loved this beautiful woman with all my heart, but I was not smart enough for her I guess.I’ve never found anyone whom I loved qui´te as much, and never will.


Rebs October 28, 2008 at 11:24 am

No way. No how. Committed relationship – yes. One in which he lives elsewhere, but close by (I’m thinking down the hall) would be my ideal. I took the vows once and I think I would be a hypocrite to repeat them with another person.

I used to think that I wanted another kid, more so because I want The Mook to have a sibling, but I like our dynamic and the PPD I struggled with after her birth was just so hard that it’s maybe not a good idea to try that again.

I get nauseous when I think of the damage the Former Mister did to our joint account. Namely because they continue to call me looking for money I don’t have because I’m not the one who took advantage of the $2500 overdraft.

Right…so marriage to me was about lying, stealing and being stepped on emotionally and physically.

It’s been over a year, but I’m carving out a life for me and The Mook. We have our routines and rituals and I’m building up confidence in myself as a slightly dysfunctional parent and person who still has it together. Unless I can be convinced that marriage would never, ever change that, it’s not part of the life plan.


singlemomseeking October 28, 2008 at 10:59 am

Wow, Andrea, I’m always inspired when I hear a story like yours: you two broke up, grew up… and now look at you!

Kelly: Your comment has me all teary. (What’s wrong with me today??). Last night, in a pang of sadness, I curled up with my kid, close.

I really get this: “I love my little family of two.”


Andrea October 28, 2008 at 10:43 am

Sometimes it takes meeting “THE ONE” for you to want those things. I did not want any of those things when I first dated my now husband. After we broke up for three years, saw other people, and grew up some, and got back together, then I knew he was for sure the one and I NEEDED all those things. Minus the joint accounts, but that’s a whole other topic. I’m not trying to make light of how you feel, but as you know, feelings and wants are subject to change throughout life.

Andrea´s last blog post…Make Something Monday


Kelly October 28, 2008 at 10:34 am

I’d love to get married (for the first time, because I never have), but at the same time it’s not a huge priority. If the right guy comes along I’m all for it, but I love my life right now. I love my little family of two, and I honestly think my daughter, though she claims to want a step-father (I honestly think that’s just because she’s tired of us being broke from living on one income), would be jealous after having me to herself all these years.

And I’m so set in my ways! I’ve had guys I dated get offended because I didn’t jump at the chance to spend hours chatting on the phone with them. But I’m more content to hang out with my kid, to sit and read a book, to watch The Daily Show before going to sleep. And maybe that’s because I haven’t met anyone yet that makes me want to break out of my routine and make a change.

So it’s going to have to be someone really special, and I’m going to have to be very sure because my daughter has had enough men walk out on her (her father and then a man we lived with for 2 years) to last a lifetime.

But the whole fairytale wedding, with me wearing white and Casey as my maid of honor and my dad walking me down the aisle? I do dream that it will happen one day.


dadshouse October 28, 2008 at 10:32 am

I would love to have a woman in my life, my house, my bed full time again. I can’t imagine dating when I’m 60. So, yeah, I’d like to get married again!

dadshouse´s last blog post…Love vs Fear


Eathan October 28, 2008 at 10:27 am

I have one thing to say… It’s not looking promising. hehe

Eathan´s last blog post…How Things Change


Big Papa October 28, 2008 at 10:19 am

I would love to get married again, but for the first time.

My first marriage didn’t count. I got my two beauties out of it but I never truly got to experience the marriage factor and I think I deserve to do so. The beauty of it all is that I would never have been emotionally ready for marriage until I was emotionally mature enough, which I am just now realizing, although still not quite ready.

Marriage, in the healthiest of terms, is the absolute of trust, loyalty, dependence, responsibility, friendship, vulnerability, passion and romance. I want this! But I will wait until I have arrived at that intersection of right time/right person.

I am learning to overcome all of this abandonment crap. The only person that I should feel abandoned by at this point is ME.


mc October 28, 2008 at 10:19 am

OMG so sorry….that got kind of long…apologies!


mc October 28, 2008 at 10:14 am

I always viewed marriage as the ideal…going through life with a best friend and lover, facing things together, supporting each other, etc. I was eager to get married, to dive in, to take on the challenges.

But after 2 divorces myself, and from knowing lots of women (married and not anymore) for whom marriage is far less than ideal, it’s become extremely clear to me that marriage is an ENORMOUS risk.

And that when people say marriage is “hard work”, they aren’t exaggerating.

Sure, when it’s good, it’s very very good. But most marriages are not good, and all of them suck at least part of the time.

So, there’s a significant downside to marriage. And no matter how I search, I can’t see much of an upside to marriage at my stage of life. But I’m open to hearing arguments!

I can have everything I want without marriage, so why risk it? I’m 47 and don’t want any more children. I’m financially stable with a solid career, so I don’t need someone to “take care” of me. I like keeping my kids, my bank account, my kids’ college account (that I’ve worked so hard to build), and my core life independent from the vagaries of some guy who I might not be able to depend on, you never know.

I keep thinking, he’s great now, but what if he devolves in 10 years into someone I don’t like much? Over time so many people I’ve known (men & women) have descended into addiction, cheating, gambling, cults, you name it–ruining their lives. Why should I risk getting into that?

And I think, what if he’s lying to me after all, and I can’t see it? I’ve been fooled before so probably it’s not something I’m good at spotting. So why take the risk?

Also, I’ve gotten to like having my own space, time to myself, and I like making my space reflect me.

It’s so nice not to have to figure out how to decorate around “his” collection of ugly (fill in the blank!) sports memorabilia, giant stereo speakers, barbells, midcentury furniture, video game consoles, and vintage cheesecake posters. Men these days travel with a boatload of material crap, it seems, that I really would not want to live with!

I like being free to indulge in lace edged sheets and flowers on the nightstand in my bedroom that would be way too girly for any straight guy. Also…I get a whole closet to myself (yay!).

So…what are the advantages of getting married? I can have a stable relationship without that and without moving in with a man. So, why?


Robynbeth October 28, 2008 at 10:06 am

Funny how this is the question of the day considering this is the anniversary of my marriage breaking up. I am no closer getting married today as I was six years ago, and that isn’t a bad thing. Like you, I still want to have the companionship, but I don’t know if I really want to share my life completely. It will have to be a very special man to make me feel differently. I like my life where just like it is, but I guess somebody taking to me dinner now and then would not be a bad thing.


Allison October 28, 2008 at 10:05 am

I’d like to get married, but it’s getting harder and harder to imagine it.


laurakim October 28, 2008 at 10:02 am

Right now – nope! I dont see marriage in my future!

I would like someone in my life yes but right now I dont see anyone actually fitting into my life!

Like you there are alot of things I dont want to do again!

I do realise though that these things may just be me being scared of things going wrong and making the same mistakes twice!

laurakim´s last blog post…First Kiss


singlemomseeking October 28, 2008 at 9:53 am

Just A Girl:

Timing certainly is a factor, isn’t it? When your children are really young, it seems like it’s easier to bring a partner into the mix, smoothly. (Does everyone agree?)

I hear you about waiting until your son goes to college… until you think about getting married again.


singlemomseeking October 28, 2008 at 9:50 am

Julie, “T” is right, you’re hilarious: “Which means, he’s going to have to stop dating other women after we get married.”

Here’s to seeing the humor through it all.

Susan: Wow, you are smitten for sure.


justagirl October 28, 2008 at 9:35 am

for me no. I have been a single mom for 13 years. that entire time i WANTED to get married, wanted a family. in 13 years I have had one relationship and he lived with us for 2 years, that was plenty. I now look forward to selling my house when my son goes to college and traveling. Then i will be ready for my soul mate and marriage, i think.

justagirl´s last blog post…Weekend Report


Susan October 28, 2008 at 9:34 am

I would like to get married again, but I’ve learned that I’ll survive if I don’t and it’s okay to define relationships a little differently than others might. (That said, I think it would be easier for my kids at their age to understand and for me to explain “Mom’s married” than “Mom’s in a long-term, committed but not married relationship”. But that’s just me.)

I guess I learned the hard way that it’s more important to focus more on being with the *right* person who truly understands, accepts and complements me than in the institution. And, who knows, if my current relationship keeps going the way it is, I may get both. I might even consider another baby 🙂

(ha, insanity! but, yes, seriously, I’ve thought of it)

Susan´s last blog post…Multi-tasking Mishaps and Miracles


Phil October 28, 2008 at 9:21 am

Trying to plan what your life will be like years away is a fool’s game…. it can’t be done. I know because I’ve tried!


Kelly October 28, 2008 at 9:10 am

I honestly don’t know.


T October 28, 2008 at 9:06 am

Ha! Julie’s comment is hilarious!!

I had decided I would never marry again. A month later, Soldier reentered my life and asked me if I would marry again! I remember thinking, “Well… maybe?”

Since then, I say “I don’t know.”

The thing is, I wasn’t expecting I would feel those intense feelings again. I didn’t know I would crave it like I craved it when the ex and I were together.

No, I’m not looking forward to the scary parts of living together and disagreements. I’m sure I’ll have moments of worry about abandonment again. But I also know now, that many of those thoughts are the drama that I create in my own head. If I am truly present to the love in the moments we are together, the worry subsides.

My oldest daughter is going through fears of growing up and being taller than me. (She’s 7 and up to my shoulder already.) She worries so much about it. I told her last night, “Do you know how to stop growing up so fast? You stop worrying about it and enjoy how young you are right now.”

True dat. Worry ages us. So instead of worrying if I will get married again, I try to live for now. And I know now to not say “I will never…” or “I will always…”

Instead I say, “Never say never because you never know!”

T´s last blog post…Stages


jenn3 October 28, 2008 at 8:57 am

At this point, I don’t know if I’ll remarry or not. I guess if the right guy came along… But I worry about being abandoned again also. I just don’t know. I miss marriage sometimes, but then I remember and I don’t miss it.

jenn3´s last blog post…I’m Asking For A Favor


Sharon October 28, 2008 at 8:56 am

For 3 years, I took care of the domestics, shopping, and was fortunate (and grateful) to have gotten to stay at home with the baby. My ex would come home at night; we’d have dinner, run through our various bed-time routines then settle into some television or talk. The one thing that was different is that we had separate rooms and never shared nary a peck on the cheek; it just wasn’t there for us. I was raising my daughter with a best friend and didn’t realize until a trip out to visit relatives that things needed to change. While visiting my sister, my daughter found the affection between her and her husband to be the funniest thing she’d ever seen! She kept asking them to kiss and would jump and clap and ask them to do it again. It made me VERY sad in realization that she’d never seen her Mommy or Daddy engage in this type of affection and/or closeness with someone.
From there I began to ask myself questions (many that I don’t have solid answers to yet) about the choices we’d made as parents and how they were affecting our child. She is a very happy child who is close to both parents (thankfully) but I began to realize that while yes, primarily finding a husband/partner was going to fulfill me the most, I also believed the main place she would learn to relate to the opposite sex is going to be by watching the example I put forth! What a scary thought and a lot of pressure as a single parent!
So I did begin the painful process of putting plans into place that would put me in a better position to A. venture out on my own and further pave a path towards being able to date. I am VERY protective of my family life when I date, thus thankfully she didn’t see the pitfalls I encountered while first venturing out as a single parent. I am now dating someone wonderful and it is getting serious. While she has not seen any displays of affection, she has met him and is clever enough to understand this “friend” is different. So yes, I am hopeful that I will be able to provide for her at some point a family setting so that she can have an example of a loving relationship thus shaping her views on marriage and men for the future in a positive light. (I like Rachel do not know if I need the marriage certificate in order to be in a committed relationship and be considered a family)


JulieR October 28, 2008 at 8:50 am

I sure hope so. I loved being married, and I was a great wife! Next time though, I will marry someone with the same commitment to marriage that I have. Which means, he’s going to have to stop dating other women after we get married. LOL


Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: