And I was fine with all of that, but now I’ve fallen in love.

He is a doctor who went back for a Ph.D. in Bioengineering who is incredibly smart, fun, kind, and loving. He chased me for a year before we started dating, and my daughter says “No one will ever love you as much as M___.” We are on the marriage track, but not married. We have had all the essential pre-marriage talks, and again as my daughter eloquently put it “he already is family.”

He was given an amazing, once in a life time job in Philly because his friend from college started a new Bioengineering company and he want my boyfriend to head the biomedical division. He will be making a very good salary, and, more importantly, he will be given an amazing amount of professional freedom.

He wants me to move with him, but it is my understanding that the state of Illinois will not condone removing my daughter from her father. I don’t want to out maneuver my ex to force him to let us move. I don’t think it is in our daughter’s best interest. The court process can bring out the very worst in people.

I want to help my ex to see that having me happy is in our daughter’s best interest. I know, I might be asking for a miracle. I don’t want to ruin my daughter’s life though, just so I can be happy. And having her father resent me will certainly be something he uses to torture her. At the same time I don’t know that I can be a good mother if I have to resent my daughter for taking away the best man I have ever known.

I don’t have an answer. I guess that’s why I came looking here.

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Do you realize how many single parents (moms especially), would give anything to have the other parent involved in their children’s lives? It sounds as if the father has been an unselfish, active part of the daughter’s life and I would not compromise that for a new relationship. I agree that if the boyfriend is willing to move, then let him move. (But don’t move in with him, either!) Give the relationship time to grow, and see what happens.

She adds:

“I should clarify that her Daddy is dating, too. Also, there is NO way I would consider moving my daughter away after a four-month relationship; if I did uproot her from here, there would have to be serious commitment on the table (marriage).”

Moreover, her parents moved out to be closer to their granddaughter this year, and they’ve already said they will follow their daughter and granddaughter if they do relocate.

“All in all I have very supportive people in my life — but I feel that I can’t ask them for advice because they’ve all got too much at stake in this.”

Thanks to all of YOU!!

Yes, we all should sacrifice for the sake of the kids. But for how long? A decade perhaps? Isn’t this how everyone started reacting against all the constrained normative roles for the women of the 1950′s generation? The mom was Always expected to knuckle down and sublimate her desires (no matter what) for the sake of the children. It was the received orthodoxy of the time. To some degree it’s still the ‘normal’ expectation in many minds.

So let’s go to what we know of the case presented:

“It was obvious very early on that there we’d lost the love between us and we were destined for friendship and parenthood. After our daughter was born, I went back to work. He stayed home with her.”

So after 4 years ‘Sharon’ meets a new guy she wants to be with. Granted, I agree with the posters who recommend that Mr. New be a bit more serious about his intentions, and Sharon more realistic about his possible future role in their lives. If he’s more serious than this years flavor BF? Then she’d have a case for considering a move to Dallas to be with him. Certainly discussing the entire situation hopefully like adults with all interested parties. (That may or may not be possible).

But even if they were married once, (which they weren’t), BF No. #1 (in this scenario) is no longer ‘due’ her undying and complete devotion. Sure he’s part of the package deal with raising their daughter, and he’s generously supported her ambitions in the past. But despite the advantages of raising their daughter together, they share little else but the same air in the household. Again not uncommon a scenario, just a bit Less common now than way back when we imagine. (This may be making a vicious come back however due to the miserable economy too).

But at what point does Sharon have to give up her chances for future happiness and possible marriage simply due to her past mistakes with a now romantically distant BF who she’ll (most likely Never marry? At mid 30′s if she ever wanted another child with a man she might actually marry, now may be her last realistic chance of doing so. Now that may sound perfectly silly to many. Trading a moderately ‘stable’ & yes even fairly supportive, if legally ill defined and ‘open’ relationship, for a possible romance with a potentially more marriageable mate from across the country. Thus needing to uproot their lives to do so.

But this is what making yes, fully Adult choices are all about. If you are judged to be a fully rational and Worthy actor, you can and yes you Must act consistently in your own best interest. No one’s going to do that for you. No one really can. And BTW, we should realistically Expect this of All adults too. And if you can’t decide who you can be with as a potential future mate due to your past poor choices, well then you’re pretty much constrained in your areas of all potential choices. And yes, we’re talking about all the big ones here: who to love, how & where. When & how & if to have kids, or more children. When, when & how to work.

Now some may come out and say that Most of all these expectations simply change with the character of parenthood. And they certainly do, no one’s arguing otherwise. But the argument here is what price sacrifice? Should you completely sacrifice your career or prospects of same for the kids? And why is it that it’s typically the women that are seen to do this, still?

Now the obvious answer here may be for BF No.1 to realize and recognize that his hold over Sharon was ever fairly tenuous and could not last. Her affections for him having been wholly transferred to their mutual concerns and support of their daughter, she was bound to find another love interest one day. The obvious answer would be for them to get together and decide where they might all live comfortably, if not exactly together. And for BF #1 to be as generous and understanding as he seems in this scenario. (It can happen). Typically though this is when jealousy rears it’s ugly head and when the lawyers or threat of same come into play.

We probably need a bit more information here, but I’m saying that Sharon should certainly consider moving to be closer to a potential BF who may become a decent husband and father. We can all agree that despite BF #1 doing a credible job at parenting, even a 4 years on, it may be high time for Sharon to ‘move on’, and to start thinking more seriously about her future with another man, rather than being forever tied down to her past. I realize that this may not be a popular opinion, but it’s also may be the only way for Sharon to actually marry someone who will not only be a father to her child but a decent and loving husband to her too.

So the ‘good of the child’ is not a bad test of intentions and potential outcomes of possible scenarios here. However this should not be seen as wholly incompatible with the adult needs and desires of mother, Sharon. Even if the mutual satisfaction of both may take some time to accomplish & ‘reunite’. If not we’d have a fraction of the divorces in this country, and no mom with kids under the age of 21 would ever dare to consider divorce. And we know better otherwise, right?

So just some more thoughts here.
Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’