Because you, thoughtful readers, give the most right-on advice, the questions keep rolling into my Inbox. Here we go again!
This week, a 30-year-old single man named Brad, wrote:
“I have a situation which I haven’t seen in your blog. There’s this woman I really adore. She’s the same age as me, and she’s a single mom. She has two sons. I’ve never been married, and I would love the chance to be a part of her — and her sons’ — lives.”
So, what’s the problem?
“My parents are Chinese. They are also very traditional. When I told them I was dating a single mom, they were furious.”
“She is Chinese, too, but they just won’t hear it. I really see a lifetime potential with this woman, but my parents refuse to even meet her.”
My advice?
In the most loving way possible, explain to your parents that you respect them very much. But here’s the reality: you love this woman, and this is your life. You hope they will decide to be a part of your life, with everyone who comes along–
The truth is: I haven’t had any personal experience with this kind of situation. Why don’t we give this guy some advice?
Let’s hear what you have to say. Suggestions? Thanks so much. Brad is reading–
Photo by Matchstick
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
You’re kidding right? A 30 year old who won’t date a woman because his parents say he CAN’T? I realize this is a respect issue, but respect goes both ways. Seems to me this man (boy?) is needs to do himself and his girlfriend a favor and cut the apron strings.
Amy Nathan’s last blog post…Literary Jenga
Just tell your parents that this woman really makes you happy and that you plan to see where things go.
As far as trying to bring them all together, I would probably avoid it for now until you’re sure this woman is “the one”. Trying to rush it will only add pressure and distraction to the relationship.
They may be entrenched in tradition and custom but, in the end, they are parents who want the best for you. They may object now but hopefully once they see how happy this woman makes you, they will understand.
Not pursuing what your heart feels because of your parents’ objections isn’t good for anyone involved. It can only lead to resentment and bitterness about what might have been.
Good luck!
I don’t think most of us have any background to weigh in on this unless we’re Chinese or Chinese American.
The Chinese culture is very specific about how a person should relate to their parents. My impression is that, in that culture, your parents are actually much more important than who you are dating (or even marry).
I’m not going to criticize other cultures just because they’re different than mine. As long as these cultures don’t promote the oppression of women or terrorism, I say, let them do it their way.
I would just tell your parents that this woman really makes you happy and that you plan to see where things go.
I would avoid trying to bring them all together at this point. Why not wait until you are sure she is “the one”. Trying to rush it will just add pressure and distraction and probably lead to a failed relationship.
Your parents are entrenched in tradition and customs but, in the end, they are your parents. I am sure want what’s best for you. Once they see that you are committed and happy with this person, they will understand.
Avoiding pursuing the relationship because of your parents’ objections isn’t good for anyone involved. It can only lead to bitterness and resentment at what might have been.
Good luck!
Blimey, I agree with singleparentdad, just had a near deja vu moment, I think?
Will have to keep the Capitalisation so you can tell us apart.
SingleParentDad’s last blog post…Hi, I’m A Widower
I seriously doubt having a conversation, no matter how calm and rational it is, is going to change their views on thousands of years of Chinese tradition. Imagine your child sitting down with you and calmly explaining why they shouldn’t have to go to school.
There’s no easy answer here… he has to choose between this woman and his parents. He can hope that his parents will come around eventually, but we have no idea what they will think.
Don’t insult the guy because he has respect for his parents. Our ‘enlightened’ culture leads to many stupid mistakes. We are all so open-minded, unless someone disagrees with us…
This is tricky. This is a tough situation where he may have to choose between his parents or the woman he loves. I also understand that if he chooses this woman–there’s a very good chance that his parents may cut him out of the family–which would be a very painful process.
I agree with Phil—that you can’t break a tradition that has been around for years. I also agree with Singleparent dad on making sure that she’s the one—so, for now, the only suggestion I have is—wait until you know she is the one.
Because, if she’s not, then the pain has been spared. One thing at a time.
SingleParentDads…. you keep on comin’ now! We’ll keep your names straight, because one of you uses all that English slang.
MC: I’ve asked one of my closest single mom friends — who’s Asian — to weigh in here. But she just wrote back to say that my blog is getting stuck in her job’s filter. Uh oh.
Phil and Avigail: Well said. It IS a tricky place to be.
Amy: I hear you about apron strings. You always crack me up.
All of you single parent dads: Yes, that’s very smart advice about taking things slowly, esp. with his parents.
Hmmm, maybe as parents they are concerned about the kids getting hurt if it doesn’t work out? Probably not but it is a thought.
GG’s last blog post…Sign?
I had a friend with a similar situation. His girlfriend was Chinese and he is not and her parents did not approve. They were together a long time but over the years her parents very slowly warmed up to him and now they’ve been married almost 10 years. They dated for close to 9 years before getting married. It can work but it’s definitely tough.
I agree with everyone on explaining to your parents (very gently) that this is your life and not a game.You see long term potential with this woman and want their blessings but dont necessarily need their support.
I agree that we shouldn’t judge him or his culture due to the differences in their traditions and life views. I myself come from a different culture and over the years as I’ve become Americanized, I realize that a lot of American ways and values aren’t necessarily “wrong,” they’re just different than those that I was raised with. Conversely, a lot of things we do as Americans are viewed disparagingly by other cultures.
Obviously he cares for his parents a great deal since he’s torn over this, and parents are naturally going to be protective and judgmental of someone they don’t deem appropriate for us.
I definitely think he should take it slow and determine if she is indeed the one, before he decides to defy his parents. There is the possibility that they will never come to accept to this woman. No matter what he decides (her or them), he needs to be prepared to deal with the consequences either way.
I agree with LEM that we shouldn’t judge the parents (or the culture) because their views are different. Maybe they’re afraid that they won’t be grandparents since the woman already has children. Or maybe there’s something in their culture about purity, much like the views of some conservative Americans. Who knows.
But I do know that before I had kids, I would only date men who didn’t have any. Now that I have kids and I’m divorced, I actually prefer to date men who DO have kids, because I find them more understanding of what I go through. Yet that was my viewpoint at the time!
I think race shouldn’t be an issue and if this woman makes you happy then go for it. My BFF is a single mom who recently got married and all that matters is the love they have for each other.
I think you need to tell your parents exactly what Rachel suggested. If it is hard for you to face them and tell them, if it makes you feel like you are disrespecting them, write it in a letter to them. There comes a time when we all have to stand up for ourselves (BIG difference- notice I did not say standing up to our parents- we can create the situation in such a way that we are not being disrespectful!)
Christy’s last blog post…Great bonuses in addition to making extra money !
This is such a tough question!!!
Family vs Girlfriend!
I dont know much about the Chinese culture or community but what I do know is they seem to have a deep sense of family honour so I can understand WHY this is such a big deal for him.
Its not as simple as saying “do what you want to”.
Its about ultimately making a very big choice – if you stick with the girl you risk alienating your family and if you stick with the family you risk loosing your life partner!
I would take it slow. Keep talking to your parents – not defensively. Let them know why you like her, try listen to what they saying.
Somewhere there is a common ground. You just need to find it!
And take the r/ship slow. Be sure she is worth taking the risk!
laurakim’s last blog post…Conversations in colour
Yes, you have to respect cultural differences. At the same time, a grown child has a right to be his/her own person and lead the life that’s right for him/her.
I think most everyone here said it best: go slow, be certain she’s who you want, understand what it may mean — now and in the future — to take a stand against your parents (if they don’t come around) and then follow your heart.
Kat Wilder’s last blog post…Gimme some ‘skin
My advice is for the woman – steer clear. You can spend all day and night convincing yourself why it doesn’t matter what his parents think of you . . . why it shouldn’t matter . . . but at the end of the day, it matters. When you are dating someone whose family is tight-knit, you must accept that your relationship with his/her parents is absolutely important.
Wait for the man whose parents accept you. Or the one who isn’t that close to them anyway. Because I know from personal experience, that you CAN convince yourself that he will choose you over them, and that he CAN convince you that he will choose you over them. But the resentment? It will be there. And it will not be worth it.
Her two children are two children of your own you won’t have the resources for. Your parent should be furious, you are spitting on their DNA and wiping out or compromising their blood line.
Ok… I can definitely weigh in on this issue because 1) I am Chinese and 2) I am a single mom, and 3) I am at home now where Rachel’s site isn’t blocked by a filter.
For people to suggest that he just needs to “cut the apron strings” reveals their poor understanding of Chinese culture. Chinese culture teaches to respect your elders and honor them for the sacrifices they have made. And respect doesn’t necessarily “go both ways,” as Amy Nathan (a rather non-Asian sounding name) demands. There are ways younger people show respect and gratitude to elders.
I know that, relative to the rest of the population, there are not a lot of Asian single mothers to begin with. So Brad’s parents may not have had exposure to meeting single moms and may only know the stereotypes they see on TV.
Family is integral to the Chinese culture. There are definitely preconceptions as to what a traditional family looks like.
That said, I would not advise Brad to completely obey his parents’ wishes, but try to find a situation that appeases both sides. The I-don’t-care-what-you-think approach won’t work.
Brad could try using actions rather than words to explain how much she means to him. Somethings are better said when unspoken. I’d be surprised that the parents’ perspective doesn’t soften if they are ever able to meet the kids.
In my dating experiences with Asian men, I’ve had a wide range of parent reactions. Some embraced me and my daughter whole-heartedly. Another Korean guy could not mention my existence to his mother who probably would never accept me b/c 1) I’m Chinese and 2) I’m a single mother.
My situation is made easier by the fact that my daughter is all-Asian (as opposed to being half-Asian). Unfortunately, biracialism adds another complicated layer to winning over traditional Chinese parents.
Best of luck, Brad!
You know, when my brother decided to marry his non-Jewish wife my parents flipped out and started screaming, “We don’t need another holocaust because we’re doing it to ourselves!” Mom went on and on about how we were throwing away those children before they were even born. My brother told my parents to erect a tombstone and pretend he was dead. He made ghost noises when he called. Now, I don’t advocate being as disrespectful of your parents. But my brother made his point that he loved the woman and was standing by her. And now my parents have very beautiful healthy grandchildren, and the woman they fought him from marrying is family. I think if she’s the woman you love — be a man, and stand up for her.
tanasie’s last blog post…Avocado Matzo Balls
I noticed a lot of people mentioned taking it slow. What about the kid? Kids become attached quickly if they like you. I’m in a similar situation and told myself that I’d rather make an attempt to work on the relationship and fail at, then to just quit and wonder what could have been. However, the kid is now becoming very attached to me and I understand that with that comes a higher risk. I don’t want to hurt the kid if it doesn’t work out, but at the same time I do want to continue to take it slow. How do I account for the growing kids attachment in this case?
I don’t think that this has anything to do with race or culture. I think that a lot of conservative and moderate thinking people see no logical reason why a single man with no kids would become serious with a single mom. I mean she has responsibilities and priorties that he, being single without kids does not. Let someone in her situation deal with her, and put up with the daily task of parenting.
Love is more than a feeling, it is a choice. I am sure that he is a nice guy and the single mom is preying on that, because after all she did have children by a man who is probably a controling ***fill in the blanks***
I have a 25 year-old nephew who is a college graduate, good looking and has been responsible in his young adult life. Why go out and get some girl who already has some other mans kid? My advice to him would be find someone who it can be about you and her, not someone where it is about you, and her, and her kids, and her ex, and her ex in-laws, and any other children that my be involved because her ex is out there having kids with his current girl/friend.
So you see people, there is a lot more involved in this than, he loves her. He would definitely be better off with someone like himself. Childless.
I’m in the same boat. I’m Chinese and I’m serious with a single mom. Its been two years and she wants a committed relationship. I said no 6 months ago, but since then I’ve been thinking otherwise because she, her son, and I have gotten along without any problems. The only thing holding me back was fear. I am able to accept the boy into my life, but now its too late. She’s made the decision and is currently killing off her love for me. She has been the only person I’ve considered marrying.
I just met and fell in love with a man who was East Indian. We had an amazing 3 years together but I had to end it when he could not committ because mainly of his parents.He could never discuss our relationship with his parents and they never asked. They did know he was seeing a single Mother but my name was never brought up in conversation even though he lived at home. My advice is unless you are willing to risk losing your family walk away. This man was the first serious relationship I had after losing my husband ( I am a Widow) My son has to deal with losing another man in his life and I have to pick up the pieces again.I do believe this man was my soul mate but no matter how much I know he cared I always felt like the dirty little secret. If your girlfriend is so wonderful she deserves more. I disagree about waiting until you know she is the one……what if you find out that it does not matter to your parents..can you choose between them? Would she want you to?You have to decide in the begining that true love is more important than family and cross your fingers that your parents will come around.
Kay I think you are very small minded!! MY husband died so that means I should never again date a man who has no kids? So what am I scarred because of that. In 3 years my ex never had to tend to my child ..actually once when the hospital called and asked me to get there NOW because my Father was going to die in minutes.I made sure we had our time together and he never felt responsible for my son, ever! I am independant and able to run a household and raise a child. Those characteristics are rare these days as girls rarely babysit in their teens, or hold jobs. I see so many of my single friends being so much more selfish and demanding than I ever would be. To the contrary we tend to “mother” our bf’s with home cooked meals and help them with day to day things because we are used to having to do everything on our own. Don’t assume we are all the same, that is so very judgemental!
I am a single-mom, divorced with two kids. The man I love is Indonesian, his parents are traditional. Everytime they are talking on the phone they ask him first about his studies and then about his lovelife. They are waiting for him to find a nice girl to marry since his younger sisters both are married and have a child.
The problem is, they want him to find a girl that hasn’t been married before and (even more important) has no kids. So they don’t know about me.
So he’s sitting in the middle and feels bad because he don’t want to hurt either one of us.
Fact is: He won’t marry me as long as they are against it, because it would break his family. We both don’t want that.
But: We love each other deeply. I’ve never experienced a relationship like this.
And: As muslims we shouldn’t have a relationship at all without being married.
Plus: After finishing his studies in Germany he probably won’t get an extended visa. He could stay if we would marry (although we would rather marry for different reasons), but that would have to be soon.
Still we have hope it’ll work out.
Somehow he’ll find a way to tell his parents about me and convince them that I’m good for him. I hope I’ll get the chance to meet them.
And maybe we find a way to solve the visa problem, too.
For now there’s a plan B for everything.
Oh… now I wrote about my own problem instead of giving advice.
I just wanted to show you that you are not alone, and wish you good luck.