An ex is calling, Part III

by singlemomseeking on October 14, 2008

Before meeting Adam, the ex who has been calling, I got a poem in my Inbox.

I subscribe to Writer’s Almanac (highly recommended!), so I get a poem every morning. This one, by David Allen Sullivan, had a line that seemed like an eery warning:

“A.A.’ers talk about the blinding glare of the obvious: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you…”

Yes, I would look behind me. I would be aware of the obvious. My eyes were open.

Thanks to those of you who reminded me to have no expectations. I was going to meet Adam because I was curious, even though my friend Avigail did point out, “Curiosity killed the cat…”

Still, it was Kat Wilder who added:

“The guy is struggling, and for whatever reason, he finds you a sympathetic soul. He’s not asking to sleep with you or to get back together with you, and you’re not expecting to, either … um, right?”

Right Kat!


His first words when I walked up to him outside the coffee shop: “Hi cutie.”

My first thought: “Don’t even try to hit on me–”

He stood up and opened his arms.

My shell was hard, but it cracked when he held me. It was his smell. I remembered–

“Don’t go there–” I thought.

We sat down. I thought I was nervous, but he was more anxious for sure.

“I’m really sorry,” he said. “but I forgot my wallet at home. I feel like an idiot. I never forget my wallet. I can’t even buy you a cup–”

“It’s okay!” I said, laughing.

We both knew this wasn’t really about coffee.

He thanked me for meeting him, and then he started to talk. He dove in head first, describing all the people he has lost in his life over the past few years, how painful it has been.

Then he turned away from me. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m really emotional, I’ve been crying–”

For a moment, I thought he was kidding.

He’s one of the best-looking, toughest guys I’ve ever met in my life. He works in law enforcement.

Tears were rolling down his cheeks.

I didn’t know what to say. So, I just sat there, listening, humbled.

The last time I talked to Adam, more than five years ago, I was the vulnerable one. Where were all those walls he had around him? Gone.

His tears didn’t stop.

“I’m really sorry I don’t have any  Kleenex,” I said.

We laughed.

Before I left, I told him, “I have some questions. I want to know what happened between us–”

I wanted to understand why he’d let me go as his friend, so easily, so coolly.

We went back to the past, and remembered. He apologized for being so cold to me.

Then he walked me back to my car, and we shared one more hug.

By mid-day, there was a long, open email from him, thanking me.

Now I was feeling vulnerable. But I felt the “caution” tape wrapping around me, with every line I read.

I don’t want to be anyone’s rebound.

I don’t want to rescue any more abandoned souls.

Is anyone else walking around wrapped in “caution” tape?( You should see how tightly it’s wrapped around me right now. Let me breath!)

Who else out there has an exposed heart right now?

Caution from Pro Corbis

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Attainingme October 19, 2008 at 6:13 pm

A friendship is completely possible with an ex (my best friend is one.) However, when a possibility of more still exists, a true friendship may prove difficult.

So, while you are starting just as friends, I would say demand and offer complete and utterly honesty through the entire process. Your past should allow this and I believe if you both commit to honesty, the time shared will not be wasted regardless of what it turns into.

Attainingme’s last blog post…I am what I hate in men


SDMktg October 17, 2008 at 4:54 pm

It definitely sounds a bit off but none of us were actually there. You can always take it day by day and cut it off if it starts going in the wrong direction.

And Honey, when you have two kids and a busy schedule it’s not unheard of to forget your wallet. Before my kids’ last soccer game I ran out the door late for a haircut and grabbed my checkbook but not my wallet. I was extremely embarrassed when it came time to pay for lunch at Submarina and I had nothing on me. They were nice enough to give me the sandwiches and I gave them a nice tip when I returned with cash an hour later. It happens. Never on a date though. 😉

SDMktg’s last blog post…Sweet G’s Shot of the Week – Parrothead Martini


Honey October 17, 2008 at 12:20 pm

Of course this is just me, since I don’t know the guy, but–I don’t buy any of it. I had a boyfriend who only cried when I broke up with him. This would read to me as blatant manipulation. I also don’t believe that anybody ever REALLY forgets their wallet.

That said, I did become friends again with Lance after we’d been broken up awhile. People *can* change, it’s just that most of the time they don’t.

Honey’s last blog post…Defining Poverty


singlemomseeking October 16, 2008 at 2:52 pm

Tanasie: I wrote back to him saying that I’d broken out in a cold sweat.

Apparently, he and his ex really are over. I know that these things take time, believe me.

For now, I want to try a friendship with him. Again.

I plan to blog more about him as more is revealed.

Stay tuned.


tanasie October 16, 2008 at 2:02 pm

He read the blog and the comments and he’s not mad? Well, that’s good.
I would totally be freaked out, though. Like he might want retribution.
I guess now he knows that you really like him.
Do you want to be friends with him? It doesn’t sound like you want to be just friends with him. I mean, I usually only melt for the smell of a guy I want to be with, not a guy I wouldn’t mind having an occasional lunch with. And doesn’t he still have a former fiance that he’s getting back together with?
I think it’s great that he’s been to therapy. But if he’s breaking down into tears in public with a girl he hasn’t seen in years, maybe he needs to spend a little more time with his doctor. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready. And it sounds like he gave you a vague answer as to what happened and why he walked away before.

tanasie’s last blog post…This is a crime?


NappyKitchen October 15, 2008 at 4:04 pm


It’s funny. Monday night I was contacted by an EX who I have not heard from in about 4 years. I asked him how he got my number and he said 411. Although it was VERY obvious that he had woke me up (he even commented that it was too early for me to be asleep), he seemed very determined to tell me how great he and his new wife are doing. He also seemed pecularly interested in any ‘drama’ (his word) that I may have in my life right now.

He’s one to ‘keep up appearance’ no manner what, meaning that if things are going bad, he simply paints a picture of happiness and bliss to those he come into contact with.

My thinking is that his happiness or UNhappiness is his business. I wish him luck! I was always the one he could count on and talk to no matter what. I refuse to walk in that role now. Free therapy session is OVER! I’m over him. Finally…That call made me realize that.

NappyKitchen’s last blog post…The Case Against Hair Grease


GLSD October 15, 2008 at 3:16 pm

i second phil… at least he was honest. he read all of the comments (LOL)


Phil October 15, 2008 at 12:47 pm

I’ll give him credit for being honest.


GLSD October 15, 2008 at 12:22 pm

Baby steps! and 5 yrs later you’re a lil wiser so take it slowly and you never know. Good Luck!


singlemomseeking October 15, 2008 at 12:22 pm


He found the blog. This morning.

He just emailed me. He wrote that he’d looked at my site before, and had browsed my blog a while ago.

He wrote just now to say that he got curious this a.m.–

He sat and read ALL of your comments. (Imagine!!)

He says that he’s only “slightly shocked.” But mostly flattered.


Maybe I can get him to chime in here soon. If he’s not too shy.


wandamd October 15, 2008 at 12:13 pm

I can’t believe i’m going to say this, but maybe crawl out of your head for Friday night and don’t think too much about the evening. Perhaps no expectations and keeping options fluid will result in neither of you getting hurt; what a novel concept.


justagirl October 15, 2008 at 11:59 am

man this is hard to read.” I wanted to understand why he’d let me go as his friend, so easily, so coolly.”

I am living this right now, stay strong.

justagirl’s last blog post…If- Lets do this.


Phil October 15, 2008 at 11:42 am

He hasn’t found the blog, or hasn’t told you he’s found the blog? If he hasn’t then he’s either an internet illiterate or else you don’t cross his mind when you aren’t directly in front of him. Don’t be naive, you should assume that he has read every word and is using it to his advantage.


mc October 15, 2008 at 10:44 am

Interesting! I’m all ears! I bet you find out at dinner more about what he wants.

I’m anti-“crying man” myself, unless he’s crying for a darn good reason that I agree with.

Because many crying men do so in order to 1) avoid talking about an issue with you, or answering your legitimate questions, and/or 2) because they feel so very, very sorry for themselves–because they can’t help being jerks, lying to you, cheating on you, etc, but they still “need” you and they don’t want you to dump them!

I dated a #2 myself recently.
But I digress…. 🙂

You must let us know how dinner went!


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